toemilyjune

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About toemilyjune

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  • Birthday 01/09/1983

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  1. toemilyjune

    Day 260 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? My big triggers: Fat, lazy, slob, unreliable, weak, trashy, deprived, controlling. The majority of my decisions are based off avoiding these triggers. I can only imagine how different a person I would be if these weren't in my mind as a background track. For example for fear of being deprived I'll spend a lot of money on food, but don't plan meals, so I end up feeling like I have nothing to eat, not to mention my bank account is left empty. I strive to be out of credit card debt, but it turns into a roller coaster because every few months I'll "need" something to not feel deprived. That expensive juicer will make my life better. A couple more pairs of jeans and a sweater is essential. I need boots for the snow. I'm budgeted in such a way that it's either eat and inch my way out of debt or let my hair down every six months and tack on a few hundred dollars. I resent the weight I gain and now my new normal is ten pounds more. I don't work but I'm ashamed of being called lazy. I can't stand it when people don't do what they say yet when I had friends I'd flake out on them. A poor work ethic is despicable and then I got one too calling out sick. Dressing in sweats makes you look like a poor slob who's irresponsible and unreliable. For the last couple years I've dressed from Costco and looked awful. I hate being controlled and I attempt to control. I've truly manifested my energetic doppleganger in this process of WWSWLTD? For every quality I despise in myself my partner holds too. My instinct is to judge and write him off further ignoring the things I don't want to see. It's because of love I fight my cut and dry side and put myself sympathetically in his shoes. For every move he makes, I've made the same in my circumstances. His defenses and aversions are mine. I may never have looked at him with forgiving eyes if I wasn't striving for self love and I didn't realize how similar we are to each other. Compassion makes anger fade. Communication can lead to compromise to meet both our needs. Every time I lectured him, I remember how I was lectured. How my previous partners nagged me, lost respect for me and stressed me out to the point to where I didn't tell them, or do anything productive for myself. I burned out. Riding ass makes a person resentful, especially one with control issues. It doesn't whip them into shape teaching them a lesson. Luckily I learned from Teal and Byron Katie that the harder I point the finger at someone else, I'm being triggered by my own issues. In order to enjoy his many cherrishable qualities, it requires some positive focus and compassion, both for him and myself in processing my strong emotion. It's been an emotionally challenging eclipse with five planets in retrograde. Cheers to coming out the other side!
  2. Day 260 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

    My big triggers: Fat, lazy, slob, unreliable, weak, trashy, deprived, controlling. The majority of my decisions are based off avoiding these triggers. I can only imagine how different a person I would be if these weren't in my mind as a background track. For example for fear of being deprived I'll spend a lot of money on food, but don't plan meals, so I end up feeling like I have nothing to eat, not to mention my bank account is left empty. I strive to be out of credit card debt, but it turns into a roller coaster because every few months I'll "need" something to not feel deprived. That expensive juicer will make my life better. A couple more pairs of jeans and a sweater is essential. I need boots for the snow. I'm budgeted in such a way that it's either eat and inch my way out of debt or let my hair down every six months and tack on a few hundred dollars. I resent the weight I gain and now my new normal is ten pounds more. I don't work but I'm ashamed of being called lazy. I can't stand it when people don't do what they say yet when I had friends I'd flake out on them. A poor work ethic is despicable and then I got one too calling out sick. Dressing in sweats makes you look like a poor slob who's irresponsible and unreliable. For the last couple years I've dressed from Costco and looked awful. I hate being controlled and I attempt to control.

    I've truly manifested my energetic doppleganger in this process of WWSWLTD? For every quality I despise in myself my partner holds too. My instinct is to judge and write him off further ignoring the things I don't want to see. It's because of love I fight my cut and dry side and put myself sympathetically in his shoes. For every move he makes, I've made the same in my circumstances. His defenses and aversions are mine. I may never have looked at him with forgiving eyes if I wasn't striving for self love and I didn't realize how similar we are to each other. Compassion makes anger fade. Communication can lead to compromise to meet both our needs. Every time I lectured him, I remember how I was lectured. How my previous partners nagged me, lost respect for me and stressed me out to the point to where I didn't tell them, or do anything productive for myself. I burned out. Riding ass makes a person resentful, especially one with control issues. It doesn't whip them into shape teaching them a lesson. Luckily I learned from Teal and Byron Katie that the harder I point the finger at someone else, I'm being triggered by my own issues. In order to enjoy his many cherrishable qualities, it requires some positive focus and compassion, both for him and myself in processing my strong emotion. It's been an emotionally challenging eclipse with five planets in retrograde. Cheers to coming out the other side! 

     

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Fat or generously endowed? curvaceous? Lazy or relaxed, sensuous? Slob or forgiving? unpretentious? it's all a matter of perspective. If you were perfect no one would be able to help you or share your needs and wants. Or be able to help you achieve them. Love everybody, including your inner child.

  3. toemilyjune

    Day 259 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? "You have about a five second window when you can move from an idea into action before your brain kicks in a sabotages any change in behavior; because remember, it's your brains job to stop you from doing things that are dangerous, uncertain or scary." "If you're stuck it's because you are in your head; you're thinking. That's the universal problem, and it all starts with this knowledge of what to do and then you hesitate and think about whether or not you feel like it." "Motivation is garbage; it's never there when you need it." 'When you count backward 5,4,2,1, what you are doing is interrupting what researchers call habit loops in your basal ganglia and you're moving thought to your prefrontal cortex where learning takes place. So when you hit 1, you're habit has been interrupted, including self doubt and procrastination. -Mel Robbins It helps me to be less hard on myself when I see my choices more as habits and being stuck too much thinking and not enough spontaneous action. I think feeling guilty about not being where I think I should be is part of a habit too. Teal pegged so perfectly the energetic causes for Chronic Fatigue I couldn't begin to be in denial about my particular case being unique. What irritates me is nearly a year later I am still struggling so much and even making small trips out of the house are something to be proud of. Breaking a self defeatist mind is difficult and it takes more than just writing as an afterthought daily. I'm scared to heal, I'm scared to stay the same. My mind is trying to protect me by not allowing anything new to stick, or maybe it's just playing the recordings I learned from parents. I go back to my same thinking and passively asking the question only in moments of stagnation when I think I should or could be doing something differently. I'm hungry for change but cursed with instant gratification. Any long term achievement seems far out of my reach and I either don't start, or stop trying.
  4. Day 259 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

    "You have about a five second window when you can move from an idea into action before your brain kicks in a sabotages any change in behavior; because remember, it's your brains job to stop you from doing things that are dangerous, uncertain or scary." "If you're stuck it's because you are in your head; you're thinking. That's the universal problem, and it all starts with this knowledge of what to do and then you hesitate and think about whether or not you feel like it." "Motivation is garbage; it's never there when you need it." 'When you count backward 5,4,2,1, what you are doing is interrupting what researchers call habit loops in your basal ganglia and you're moving thought to your prefrontal cortex where learning takes place. So when you hit 1, you're habit has been interrupted, including self doubt and procrastination. -Mel Robbins

    It helps me to be less hard on myself when I see my choices more as habits and being stuck too much thinking and not enough spontaneous action. I think feeling guilty about not being where I think I should be is part of a habit too. Teal pegged so perfectly the energetic causes for Chronic Fatigue I couldn't begin to be in denial about my particular case being unique. What irritates me is nearly a year later I am still struggling so much and even making small trips out of the house are something to be proud of. Breaking a self defeatist mind is difficult and it takes more than just writing as an afterthought daily. I'm scared to heal, I'm scared to stay the same. My mind is trying to protect me by not allowing anything new to stick, or maybe it's just playing the recordings I learned from parents. I go back to my same thinking and passively asking the question only in moments of stagnation when I think I should or could be doing something differently. I'm hungry for change but cursed with instant gratification. Any long term achievement seems far out of my reach and I either don't start, or stop trying. 

     

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Go back and read day one and se how far you've come. The only way to extinguish an unwanted behavior is to replace it with intentional repetition of a new healthier behavior. So you backslide a little. We live in a cyclical world not a square one. Use the lapse to renew your commitment to progress. We had to learn to crawl before we learned to walk and walking includes lots of falling before we learned to run. Love yourself, forgive yourself, enjoy the ride, even the bumps!

  5. toemilyjune

    Day 258 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Laying awake I asked myself what the famous TannyRaw would do if she was in my shoes feeling like I feel. I pictured her waking in my body feeling bloated and sluggish wish a foul mood a dwindling bank account and dwindling motivation. It occurred to me that she would heal one step at a time much faster because her spirit wasn't broken. She truly believes she can accomplish what she puts her mind to and she has a positive attitude. So even though she would feel awful her mentality is not an energetic match to staying in that state. I pictured her starting her day with a big glass of water then a hydrating green smoothie. As she looked at my bank account and realized I could barely afford food let alone a rebounding trampoline she loves so much for it's detoxifying properties she decided go walk around the block even if it is just once and do enemas instead. She'd go raw and plan her evening meals even if she rotated through the same ones. She'd plan ahead because she knows how tired and defeated her body feels and sometimes she just cant make herself move and in those times it's a banana and a celery stick, but at least she's on a healing path. Her unbalanced gut with parasites would be adversely effecting her mood and she would see how isolated she is in my shoes. I could see her shifting her darkest thoughts to rephrase them more positively and spend time listing things she is grateful for. She might journal how she feels, keep in touch with people online that support her and read instead of turn on the tv. All in all I think she might realize how hard a time she is having, take compassion on herself and antiquate a support system, because that's what someone who loves themselves do. This exercise was very humbling to me. Yes, I am suffering, but a person who feels awful can still enjoy the moments of light they have. The trick is shifting your focus and not being resentful for the life you had and feel you should have. It's one day and decision at a time. I have to wonder if it's my confidence in her that sees her beating it. Attitude is everything.
  6. Day 258 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

    Laying awake I asked myself what the famous TannyRaw would do if she was in my shoes feeling like I feel. I pictured her waking in my body feeling bloated and sluggish wish a foul mood a dwindling bank account and dwindling motivation. It occurred to me that she would heal one step at a time much faster because her spirit wasn't broken. She truly believes she can accomplish what she puts her mind to and she has a positive attitude. So even though she would feel awful her mentality is not an energetic match to staying in that state.

    I pictured her starting her day with a big glass of water then a hydrating green smoothie. As she looked at my bank account and realized I could barely afford food let alone a rebounding trampoline she loves so much for it's detoxifying properties she decided go walk around the block even if it is just once and do enemas instead. She'd go raw and plan her evening meals even if she rotated through the same ones. She'd plan ahead because she knows how tired and defeated her body feels and sometimes she just cant make herself move and in those times it's a banana and a celery stick, but at least she's on a healing path. Her unbalanced gut with parasites would be adversely effecting her mood and she would see how isolated she is in my shoes. I could see her shifting her darkest thoughts to rephrase them more positively and spend time listing things she is grateful for. She might journal how she feels, keep in touch with people online that support her and read instead of turn on the tv.

    All in all I think she might realize how hard a time she is having, take compassion on herself and antiquate a support system, because that's what someone who loves themselves do. This exercise was very humbling to me. Yes, I am suffering, but a person who feels awful can still enjoy the moments of light they have. The trick is shifting your focus and not being resentful for the life you had and feel you should have. It's one day and decision at a time. I have to wonder if it's my confidence in her that sees her beating it. Attitude is everything. 

     

     

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Attitude is everything!

  7. toemilyjune

    Day 257 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I realized I've been very go with the flow in my life because having a say was not an option as a child and it consequently carried into adulthood. What would happen when I needed to set a boundary is I would end up compensating in another way like shopping, eating or putting my entire focus on my relationship. Meanwhile I'd be getting more annoyed with the other person or situation relying more heavily on my coping mechanisms until it became a detriment to me. Recently I couldn't figure out why I was spending money like water. Suddenly my wardrobe was unacceptable and I wanted an $800 rebounding trampoline for the incredible health benefits, and because hey, it could change my situation that I'm clearly not happy in. The credit card debt I worked hard to pay down piled. My diet became a binge after my partner went home for the evening. Fill me and give me a sense of relief. I didn't understand why I was feeling this way. I just was. My whole life has been off kilter lately. What is he doing? When will he come over? What is he wearing, because he's hot and well, I want to flirt and imagine him not wearing it. Less pleasantly it's, 'Why isn't he here yet? Why doesn't he just do this? It's easy and more effective. I find myself frustrated and dwelling on unpleasant scenarios carried out if things continue as they are and I'm the once compromising in an unideal situation. I'm stressed about an outcome I've projected to happen and I'm not able to enjoy his company without resentment. I'm in my ex boyfriends shoes when he's telling me the best way to do something for the most profit, or ease, and I just don't want to to do it because I'm tired and I resent being told constantly what to do. Get off my ass already! I end up procrastinating and going another route that negates any opportunities I once had while my boyfriend at the time is pissed at me, trying to stay out of my business, but he just can't because he has secretly planned a longterm life with me and what I do directly effects him. He then gets offended I don't take his advice, resents me and looses respect for me and the choices, or lack there of that I made. He's being controlling because he doesn't think I am incapable. I'm stressed because, well, again I'm fucking tired and not sure why simple things are becoming more overwhelming for me. I come home from a day of work and crash. I'm gaining weight from our comfort food at night so I pick up an exercise routine and restrict carbs, which just makes me crash harder and cost me my appendix. I grew more tired and overwhelmed. Fighting turned into screaming rage matches ending in violence and anger that turned my insides into liquid diarrhea. Eventually we broke up and I packed everything I owned in my car including my cat and drove from Washington to Texas to start my life away from him in warmer climate. Bam. Alone in a foreign place, I had my first adrenal crash and it was life altering awful. I never recovered and have been hypoglycemic, tired and struggling ever since. Fast forward to the present I'm my ex stressing out my already stressed partner for hypothetical fears I'm sure will manifest if I continue to not state what I need in our relationship. I'm riding his ass as he signs separation papers and attempts to sell the majority of his possessions and his home by himself in his off time. After a commute to and from work and sleep deprived it's time to please your ex and your girlfriend by selling all your things so we can all move on with our lives. Oh goodie he thinks, 'thats just what I wanted to do.' Not. Somewhere in there he has to feed himself his children and his animals too. He procrastinates, doesn't get anything done, falls asleep with the light on, and his stress level is the same, if not higher the following day. WWSWLTD? Recognize the expectations you've put on him that you haven't even told him of. Realize that you can state what you need in a relationship. It's a partnership. Tune into yourself when you find yourself leaning on a coping mechanism. Take time to plan your dreams and daily life outside of him. You don't have to throw your life away to get a partner. You don't have to be a powerless follower. If you're feeling out of control focus on your life and what you need to be doing. Take space instead of micro managing another person from your fear and insecurity. If you can't enjoy his company don't see him. Everything doesn't have so be so serious.
  8.  

    Day 257 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

    I realized I've been very go with the flow in my life because having a say was not an option as a child and it consequently carried into adulthood. What would happen when I needed to set a boundary is I would end up compensating in another way like shopping, eating or putting my entire focus on my relationship. Meanwhile I'd be getting more annoyed with the other person or situation relying more heavily on my coping mechanisms until it became a detriment to me. 

    Recently I couldn't figure out why I was spending money like water. Suddenly my wardrobe was unacceptable and I wanted an $800 rebounding trampoline for the incredible health benefits, and because hey, it could change my situation that I'm clearly not happy in. The credit card debt I worked hard to pay down piled. My diet became a binge after my partner went home for the evening. Fill me and give me a sense of relief. I didn't understand why I was feeling this way. I just was.

    My whole life has been off kilter lately. What is he doing? When will he come over? What is he wearing, because he's hot and well, I want to flirt and imagine him not wearing it. Less pleasantly it's, 'Why isn't he here yet? Why doesn't he just do this? It's easy and more effective. I find myself frustrated and dwelling on unpleasant scenarios carried out if things continue as they are and I'm the once compromising in an unideal situation. I'm stressed about an outcome I've projected to happen and I'm not able to enjoy his company without resentment. 

    I'm in my ex boyfriends shoes when he's telling me the best way to do something for the most profit, or ease, and I just don't want to to do it because I'm tired and I resent being told constantly what to do. Get off my ass already! I end up procrastinating and going another route that negates any opportunities I once had while my boyfriend at the time is pissed at me, trying to stay out of my business, but he just can't because he has secretly planned a longterm life with me and what I do directly effects him. He then gets offended I don't take his advice, resents me and looses respect for me and the choices, or lack there of that I made. 

    He's being controlling because he doesn't think I am incapable. I'm stressed because, well, again I'm fucking tired and not sure why simple things are becoming more overwhelming for me. I come home from a day of work and crash. I'm gaining weight from our comfort food at night so I pick up an exercise routine and restrict carbs, which just makes me crash harder and cost me my appendix. I grew more tired and overwhelmed. Fighting turned into screaming rage matches ending in violence and anger that turned my insides into liquid diarrhea. Eventually we broke up and I packed everything I owned in my car including my cat and drove from Washington to Texas to start my life away from him in warmer climate. Bam. Alone in a foreign place, I had my first adrenal crash and it was life altering awful. I never recovered and have been hypoglycemic, tired and struggling ever since.

    Fast forward to the present I'm my ex stressing out my already stressed partner for hypothetical fears I'm sure will manifest if I continue to not state what I need in our relationship. I'm riding his ass as he signs separation papers and attempts to sell the majority of his possessions and his home by himself in his off time.  After a commute to and from work and sleep deprived it's time to please your ex and your girlfriend by selling all your things so we can all move on with our lives. Oh goodie he thinks, 'thats just what I wanted to do.' Not. Somewhere in there he has to feed himself his children and his animals too. He procrastinates, doesn't get anything done, falls asleep with the light on, and his stress level is the same, if not higher the following day. 

    WWSWLTD? Recognize the expectations you've put on him that you haven't even told him of. Realize that you can state what you need in a relationship. It's a partnership. Tune into yourself when you find yourself leaning on a coping mechanism. Take time to plan your dreams and daily life outside of him. You don't have to throw your life away to get a partner. You don't have to be a powerless follower. If you're feeling out of control focus on your life and what you need to be doing. Take space instead of micro managing another person from your fear and insecurity. If you can't enjoy his company don't see him. Everything doesn't have so be so serious. 

     

  9. toemilyjune

    Day 256 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' I'm swimming in this limbo of enjoying the moment even if it's watching tv. I'm daring to plan for the future and imagine a new life and I'm struggling to relax my anxiety and not worry about things. I fear the winter since I tend to go down hill big time with my health. I want all my ducks in a row, including my partner moved into the same city, an exercise routine however gentle to begin with, and a fully raw diet. Mid worry I asked myself what if these things don't happen? I'll suffer like I did the last two winters prior, but I'll survive, and this time I won't be alone. I straddle the fence between resistance and acceptance falling toward the stressed side. The question says to stay present and focus on what I can do from a place of proactivity rather than fear.
  10. Day 256 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

    I'm swimming in this limbo of enjoying the moment even if it's watching tv. I'm daring to plan for the future and imagine a new life and I'm struggling to relax my anxiety and not worry about things. I fear the winter since I tend to go down hill big time with my health. I want all my ducks in a row, including my partner moved into the same city, an exercise routine however gentle to begin with, and a fully raw diet. Mid worry I asked myself what if these things don't happen? I'll suffer like I did the last two winters prior, but I'll survive, and this time I won't be alone. I straddle the fence between resistance and acceptance falling toward the stressed side. The question says to stay present and focus on what I can do from a place of proactivity rather than fear. IMG_0094.thumb.jpg.2f50632f1344cb15fb2341d05a968d73.jpg

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Poor bear, this winter will be better next winter better still. Keep up the good work! Be Blessed. Peace

  11. toemilyjune

    Day 255 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Wake at 9am take supplements, meditate, rebound, yoga or walk, eat something hydrating. 11am rest, write, research nomadic life and ways to make money. 1pm clean something, snack, plan dinner, pottery or jewelry. 3pm rest, juice something, see someone. This much would be great. The rest of the day would be a bonus. I woke from a dream with the message to proactively plan my life. Admittedly sticking to any routine is a huge weakness of mine, but would be a super self loving thing for me to dedicate some energy to.
  12. Day 255 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

    Wake at 9am take supplements, meditate, rebound, yoga or walk, eat something hydrating. 11am rest, write, research nomadic life and ways to make money. 1pm clean something, snack, plan dinner, pottery or jewelry. 3pm rest, juice something, see someone. This much would be great. The rest of the day would be a bonus. I woke from a dream with the message to proactively plan my life. Admittedly sticking to any routine is a huge weakness of mine, but would be a super self loving thing for me to dedicate some energy to. 

  13. toemilyjune

    Day 254 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' It's amazing to have moments of happiness throughout my day. They seem to spread into the next and lead to dreams about potential futures. A little laughter helps me take myself less seriously and it's easier to squash those self defeating comments too. I'm spending a lot of time watching videos of people living in vans, buses, and tiny homes. I've always been a wonderer and now I have someone to wander with. We want to take our love of rocks and gems and travel to places where we can scavenge them ourselves and then transform them into jewelry. He wants to cut the stones and I'm into the metal work. For the first time ever, I am in sync with my partner. As for the question, It's helped me eat better, which makes me feel better and think more clearly. I even turned on the pottery wheel for the first time since I bought it on 11/11 of last year. I'm still plenty tired and slow, but for now I'm in a state of less resistance and it feels good.
  14. Day 254 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' 

    It's amazing to have moments of happiness throughout my day. They seem to spread into the next and lead to dreams about potential futures. A little laughter helps me take myself less seriously and it's easier to squash those self defeating comments too. I'm spending a lot of time watching videos of people living in vans, buses, and tiny homes. I've always been a wonderer and now I have someone to wander with. We want to take our love of rocks and gems and travel to places where we can scavenge them ourselves and then transform them into jewelry. He wants to cut the stones and I'm into the metal work. For the first time ever, I am in sync with my partner. As for the question, It's helped me eat better, which makes me feel better and think more clearly. I even turned on the pottery wheel for the first time since I bought it on 11/11 of last year. I'm still plenty tired and slow, but for now I'm in a state of less resistance and it feels good. 

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      How wonderful, be gentle with yourself, no hurry, we have all eternity. Be Blessed, enjoy the ride!

  15. toemilyjune

    Day 253 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' I am grateful for my partner; his affection, time and understanding. I'm grateful for my small apartment, privately my own. It's warm enough not to wear a coat constantly. There is plenty of daylight in Alaska. I have Corgi's to pet and a mother who supports me. I am grateful for my awareness of my thought patterns and also the moments of compassion that follow my judgements. Transitioning back to raw has brought me a few more smiles, and baby steps toward progress keeps me hopeful.