toemilyjune

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About toemilyjune

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  • Birthday 01/09/1983

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  1. toemilyjune

    Day 305 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' Don't compare yourself to other people. It just makes you feel like shit.
  2. Day 305 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'

    Don't compare yourself to other people. It just makes you feel like shit. 

     

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Why be normal? Everybody's being normal. Be you.

  3. toemilyjune

    I write about whatever I am dealing with. Nothing is off the table. Looking at it from a more accepting position often brings revelations in the moments I'm typing about it. The writing process has been very therapeutic for me. It usually goes three to four days of not knowing what to write followed by a couple days of processing a bigger challenge.
  4. toemilyjune

    I'm not offended at all. No worries. Although I can say my self esteem is much better than it was, I have a ways to go before I feel self assured and confident. I've also committed to doing this process for a year. Two more months. Sigh. As far as resistance, I would find myself comparing to other people and seeing their results as my projected results. This doesn't work. That doesn't work. I painted myself into a corner so subconsciously I wouldn't have to try things. I had a big victim mentality. I understand resistance. If you are drawn to the process, even in a cynical way, I think it's a sign. 😉 I hope you find resolution. Please don't be shy to drop by again.
  5. toemilyjune

    Day 304 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' I just want to take a minute to say how grateful I am for so many things. I have a man who loves me. A mother who has my back. Corgis to hug anytime I want to walk across the parking lot. I have friends across the world now that understand me authentically because I had the courage to put myself out there. I have an awesome opportunity to make money which will allow me to live in any part of the world I choose, not to mention pay for expert health coaching. I have my health and all my limbs. I'm grateful for my spirit continues to bounce back again and again. A wealth of information is at my fingertips along with the awareness I create my own reality. Opening a door in my mind opens a door in my life. I have a place to funnel my creative energy. My opinion matters and my experience holds value. I feel so much stronger than I did 304 days ago. I am very confident things will continue to improve. I'm looking forward to giving back where I have received so much. I know what someone who loves themselves would do.
  6. Day 304 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'

    I just want to take a minute to say how grateful I am for so many things. I have a man who loves me. A mother who has my back. Corgis to hug anytime I want to walk across the parking lot. I have friends across the world now that understand me authentically because I had the courage to put myself out there. I have an awesome opportunity to make money which will allow me to live in any part of the world I choose, not to mention pay for expert health coaching. I have my health and all my limbs. I'm grateful for my spirit continues to bounce back again and again. A wealth of information is at my fingertips along with the awareness I create my own reality. Opening a door in my mind opens a door in my life. I have a place to funnel my creative energy. My opinion matters and my experience holds value. I feel so much stronger than I did 304 days ago. I am very confident things will continue to improve. I'm looking forward to giving back where I have received so much. I know what someone who loves themselves would do. 

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Having an attitude of gratitude and a willingness to give back by sharing what you've learned is huge!

  7. toemilyjune

    Day 303 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' I'm thinking about Teal's choice of rebranding leaving off the label spiritual. I'm reading a book called The Upside of Stress which basically states scientific evidence that if you believe stress is harmful for your body than it is, and shortens your life as a consequence. If you believe that stress helps you think more clearly and sharpen your senses, even enhance your performance then it's healthy and can be seen as positive. Control groups were created and people were tracked. The group that believed stress was acceptable and normal actually lived longer and had a more positive outlook on life in general. They tracked the results via seeing how many in either group had died after eight years. This is basic information. Anyone who understands the concept of the Law of Attraction knows you create your own reality, yet reading it pitched as some kind of revelation with a scientific backing made it concrete. Also hearing it from a source that wasn't spiritual helped me to identify some biases. If these idiot scientists can figure it out then clearly it's not that complicated. Perhaps it won't be that difficult to reshape some shadows after all. I had a stigma that spiritual means hard. It's hard to heal, and it's a hard lonely path to enlightenment; too difficult for me. I'll watch people like Teal in awe and wish for some breaks in my own life. My point is I'm reading about concepts I've been exposed to for years, but when taken out of 'spiritual' context, it's less serious and less intimidating. She's right spiritual teachers are seen in a certain way. I see them as serious, wiser, higher on a pedestal, more disciplined and lonely. They have dedicated life to enlightenment and are on a path that those of us with jobs, families, relationships and passions are left behind to follow and learn from them as if we've got distracted by life and are looking to them to catch up. I think I'm absorbing these universal laws from psychologists and scientists via books and TED talks now because the pressure to be someone i'm not isn't there. The information is pitched to everyone from the working dad to the triathlete runner looking to improve her game. I understand my aversion to true effort at shadow work is influenced by my self esteem, but maybe I'm not thinking that far off from other people. I'll never be Teal Swan, nor a channel like Esther Hicks, deep in the 'spiritual' game. Maybe that's why I could apply information from people I admire less. So kudos to Teal for realizing there were whole groups of people that weren't hearing her for one biased reason or another due to the label spiritual. Way to separate herself from the Hay House mold. She is different. Be different and let it show!
  8. Day 303 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'

    I'm thinking about Teal's choice of rebranding leaving off the label spiritual. I'm reading a book called The Upside of Stress which basically states scientific evidence that if you believe stress is harmful for your body than it is, and shortens your life as a consequence. If you believe that stress helps you think more clearly and sharpen your senses, even enhance your performance then it's healthy and can be seen as positive. Control groups were created and people were tracked. The group that believed stress was acceptable and normal actually lived longer and had a more positive outlook on life in general. They tracked the results via seeing how many in either group had died after eight years.

    This is basic information. Anyone who understands the concept of the Law of Attraction knows you create your own reality, yet reading it pitched as some kind of revelation with a scientific backing made it concrete. Also hearing it from a source that wasn't spiritual helped me to identify some biases. If these idiot scientists can figure it out then clearly it's not that complicated. Perhaps it won't be that difficult to reshape some shadows after all.

    I had a stigma that spiritual means hard. It's hard to heal, and it's a hard lonely path to enlightenment; too difficult for me. I'll watch people like Teal in awe and wish for some breaks in my own life. My point is I'm reading about concepts I've been exposed to for years, but when taken out of 'spiritual' context, it's less serious and less intimidating. She's right spiritual teachers are seen in a certain way. I see them as serious, wiser, higher on a pedestal, more disciplined and lonely. They have dedicated life to enlightenment and are on a path that those of us with jobs, families, relationships and passions are left behind to follow and learn from them as if we've got distracted by life and are looking to them to catch up.

    I think I'm absorbing these universal laws from psychologists and scientists via books and TED talks now because the pressure to be someone i'm not isn't there. The information is pitched to everyone from the working dad to the triathlete runner looking to improve her game. I understand my aversion to true effort at shadow work is influenced by my self esteem, but maybe I'm not thinking that far off from other people. I'll never be Teal Swan, nor a channel like Esther Hicks, deep in the 'spiritual' game. Maybe that's why I could apply information from people I admire less. So kudos to Teal for realizing there were whole groups of people that weren't hearing her for one biased reason or another due to the label spiritual. Way to separate herself from the Hay House mold. She is different. Be different and let it show! 

  9. toemilyjune

    Day 302 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' I am enough. I am taken care of. I realize that I've been living deep in a pattern of lack mentality. It's to the point to when I leave the house I imagine a bad situation and prepare for it. The mind is a powerful tool and instead of using it to manifest more energy in it's many forms, I'm creating more of a lack through regular visualization and constant verbal reaffirmations of how tired I am. This is only the obvious. What about running out of account balance before then end of the month, or running out of food. Ironically I spend hundreds of dollars on food every month and never feel satisfied with what I eat or have. I don't know what to cook, prepare, buy at the store etc. I consistently feel the urge to buy two pieces of the same clothing because, what if I don't find something else that fits me well. I've been trained to wear all my clothing at least two times before washing it, because laundering ruins clothing. What if my blood sugar crashes? What if I run out of energy? If money is a direct equation to energy, no wonder I've had a rough go of it. I rarely put my foot forward, and when I do, I don't think it's enough. My work isn't good enough. I won't get enough. I'm not enough. There is shadow work which I whole heartedly believe in, and there are language changes I can make in the meantime. Surely an affirmation isn't useless if a person has shadows. It can take me somewhere to start with.
  10. Day 302 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'

    I am enough. I am taken care of. I realize that I've been living deep in a pattern of lack mentality. It's to the point to when I leave the house I imagine a bad situation and prepare for it. The mind is a powerful tool and instead of using it to manifest more energy in it's many forms, I'm creating more of a lack through regular visualization and constant verbal reaffirmations of how tired I am. 

    This is only the obvious. What about running out of account balance before then end of the month, or running out of food. Ironically I spend hundreds of dollars on food every month and never feel satisfied with what I eat or have. I don't know what to cook, prepare, buy at the store etc. I consistently feel the urge to buy two pieces of the same clothing because, what if I don't find something else that fits me well. I've been trained to wear all my clothing at least two times before washing it, because laundering ruins clothing. What if my blood sugar crashes? What if I run out of energy? 

    If money is a direct equation to energy, no wonder I've had a rough go of it. I rarely put my foot forward, and when I do, I don't think it's enough. My work isn't good enough. I won't get enough. I'm not enough. There is shadow work which I whole heartedly believe in, and there are language changes I can make in the meantime. Surely an affirmation isn't useless if a person has shadows. It can take me somewhere to start with. 

     

  11. toemilyjune

    Day 301 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' I've taken a break, like a weekend. I walked around REI with my guy, we ate and enjoyed the afternoon sun. Two days without blog planning and structure. It was nice, and now I'm ready to get back to it.
  12. Day 301 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'

    I've taken a break, like a weekend. I walked around REI with my guy, we ate and enjoyed the afternoon sun. Two days without blog planning and structure. It was nice, and now I'm ready to get back to it. 

     

  13. toemilyjune

    Day 300 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' I told my partner I'm triggered and it trumps all of my warm feelings. We talked about how I've been conditioned to think when someone doesn't communicate their needs, they are being sneaky and trying to take advantage. I've also been conditioned to be on my game around my parents showing that I am responsible, and busy, definitely not lazy. My partner is so much like myself that, I feel I understand even his unspoken words. I see him as softer than me, an unacceptable trait in my family. To toughen him up I started scrutinizing him with a miserable perfectionistic eye. I'm often taken back to my childhood with myself now in the position of my father. Don't be lazy. Don't make excuses; I don't want to hear it. Just, get it done. Get your shit together. Mantzoros' are tough. Be tough, stop whining. I felt like I couldn't please my parents, and when they were satisfied with my chores or homework I was only allowed to be off the radar briefly. My home felt like a job interview. No wonder I am so good at interviewing! I'm seeing another circle. Yesterday I made this correlation with myself and now I am seeing it with my mother. She left ultra controlling men to marry a man that loved her, and doted on her. She saw that as weakness, pushed him away, broke him down and now he's a shell of who he was just living to serve her. Constant criticism doesn't make a person stronger. It makes them walk on egg shells to please another and ruins or inhibits self esteem. The less he appears to be a confident man with firm boundaries, the meaner she is to him, and ironically his gentleness is probably what probably attracted her in the first place. It's a breath of fresh air when you're not on guard and someone allows you to be yourself. In my mother's case as well as my own, without our issues resolved, even away from control, we don't know how to relax, and so the transition is made to dominance in survival of the fittest. After decades without getting needs met due a repetitious cycle, it's easy to see how a person can shut down to intimacy, and with the right partner can go from the controlled to the narcissist. I guess that concept isn't so ugly, now that I understand how it plays out in my family dynamic. My partner now is the very first one I haven't hid who I am around. He manifested me back into his life after a long search, and despite hearing aspects of this, he says he loves me and wants to be together. When I push aside the heavy metal wall of conditioning, that is the duty to beat him into shape, I want to be with him too. He's a beautiful person and I appreciate having him in my life. I am devoted to finding a healthy resolve on these thought patters of weakness and laziness, responsibility and respect. In the meantime, when I'm feeling triggered, I'll first strive to find compassion. I know what it feels like to be in his shoes, and I know the reason I feel this way is from a reaction of conditional love and not getting my needs met. Live and let live. Control is insecurity. Just because he's living his life in a more comfortable way, or doing something to a different standard, it doesn't invalidate my prior suffering, or my feelings. I'll do more of Byron Katie's The Work, even if I don't write it down like I have prior, professionally in hours of detail. Finally, I'll take the advice from a friend and filter the voice in my head through my heart as best I can before speaking. Hopefully this will be the start that allows us to experience some joy together.
  14. Day 300 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'

    I told my partner I'm triggered and it trumps all of my warm feelings. We talked about how I've been conditioned to think when someone doesn't communicate their needs, they are being sneaky and trying to take advantage. I've also been conditioned to be on my game around my parents showing that I am responsible, and busy, definitely not lazy. My partner is so much like myself that, I feel I understand even his unspoken words. I see him as softer than me, an unacceptable trait in my family. To toughen him up I started scrutinizing him with a miserable perfectionistic eye. I'm often taken back to my childhood with myself now in the position of my father. Don't be lazy. Don't make excuses; I don't want to hear it. Just, get it done. Get your shit together. Mantzoros' are tough. Be tough, stop whining. I felt like I couldn't please my parents, and when they were satisfied with my chores or homework I was only allowed to be off the radar briefly. My home felt like a job interview. No wonder I am so good at interviewing! 

    I'm seeing another circle. Yesterday I made this correlation with myself and now I am seeing it with my mother. She left ultra controlling men to marry a man that loved her, and doted on her. She saw that as weakness, pushed him away, broke him down and now he's a shell of who he was just living to serve her. Constant criticism doesn't make a person stronger. It makes them walk on egg shells to please another and ruins or inhibits self esteem. The less he appears to be a confident man with firm boundaries, the meaner she is to him, and ironically his gentleness is probably what probably attracted her in the first place. It's a breath of fresh air when you're not on guard and someone allows you to be yourself. In my mother's case as well as my own, without our issues resolved, even away from control, we don't know how to relax, and so the transition is made to dominance in survival of the fittest. After decades without getting needs met due a repetitious cycle, it's easy to see how a person can shut down to intimacy, and with the right partner can go from the controlled to the narcissist. I guess that concept isn't so ugly, now that I understand how it plays out in my family dynamic. 

    My partner now is the very first one I haven't hid who I am around. He manifested me back into his life after a long search, and despite hearing aspects of this, he says he loves me and wants to be together. When I push aside the heavy metal wall of conditioning, that is the duty to beat him into shape, I want to be with him too.  He's a beautiful person and I appreciate having him in my life. I am devoted to finding a healthy resolve on these thought patters of weakness and laziness, responsibility and respect. In the meantime, when I'm feeling triggered, I'll first strive to find compassion. I know what it feels like to be in his shoes, and I know the reason I feel this way is from a reaction of conditional love and not getting my needs met. Live and let live. Control is insecurity. Just because he's living his life in a more comfortable way, or doing something to a different standard, it doesn't invalidate my prior suffering, or my feelings. I'll do more of Byron Katie's The Work, even if I don't write it down like I have prior, professionally in hours of detail. Finally, I'll take the advice from a friend and filter the voice in my head through my heart as best I can before speaking. Hopefully this will be the start that allows us to experience some joy together. 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Deep insight into how we repeat our parents mistakes. I'm impressed! Keep it up. See the patterns the cycles and break them. You choose, who you are, how to be, what example to follow and what to reject. Be the hero of your own story, be the person you want to be. You've come so far from day one, don't become what you've fought to overcome. Let go and thank God, the universe, for a man who loves you at your best and worst and do the same.

      Sorry for the delay our power just came back on after the hurricane.

    2. toemilyjune

      toemilyjune

      I hope all your assets are intact! I'm glad you have power again. Thanks for the positive outlook. :)

    3. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      We lost a few shingles off the front house, throwing out some food from fridge that is suspect and lots of limbs and leaves to dispose of, but my greatest asset, my network of friends and family is still intact. Thanks for asking!