toemilyjune

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About toemilyjune

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  • Birthday 01/09/1983

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  1. Day 111 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Learn a major life lesson. A couple days ago emotionally let go of some people that no longer wanted to be in my life. I realized that wasn't complete because I was still holding onto some hurt feelings. I decided to do Byron Katies 'The Work' on the process and what I found was incredibly eye opening to my behavior. I saw that I was reenacting programming from both of my parents and it wasn't pretty. In fact, I am really appalled by this. I used it to push my oldest best friend away, and it's the biggest mistake of my life. I knew there was a lesson in why two great women left my life at the same time, but I had no idea it was this significant. It has become my soul mission to convey how incredibly sorry I am and calling myself on my shit and stating what I'm dong to shift it. Even if she doesn't respond and we never speak again, I can not rest until this is done. I have spent two days trying to organize my thoughts, but the list of how things went wrong is overwhelming. I'm still actively trying to narrow it down. I don't want to throw my crap on her so I'm trying to write just enough let her know I see what happened. Finger pointing, manipulative, controlling, and intensely pessimistic; I just keep shaking my head in the disbelief I'd never understood it before. It was all just words until I discovered it myself. I was too defensive to take any feedback. I'm so so grateful for this awareness, and man did it come at a high cost, but I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. I have to say it to the universe and to myself; thank you.
  2. Day 111 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Learn a major life lesson.

    A couple days ago emotionally let go of some people that no longer wanted to be in my life. I realized that wasn't complete because I was still holding onto some hurt feelings. I decided to do Byron Katies 'The Work' on the process and what I found was incredibly eye opening to my behavior. I saw that I was reenacting programming from both of my parents and it wasn't pretty. In fact, I am really appalled by this. I used it to push my oldest best friend away, and it's the biggest mistake of my life. I knew there was a lesson in why two great women left my life at the same time, but I had no idea it was this significant. It has become my soul mission to convey how incredibly sorry I am and calling myself on my shit and stating what I'm dong to shift it. Even if she doesn't respond and we never speak again, I can not rest until this is done. I have spent two days trying to organize my thoughts, but the list of how things went wrong is overwhelming. I'm still actively trying to narrow it down. I don't want to throw my crap on her so I'm trying to write just enough let her know I see what happened. Finger pointing, manipulative, controlling, and intensely pessimistic;  I just keep shaking my head in the disbelief I'd never understood it before. It was all just words until I discovered it myself. I was too defensive to take any feedback. I'm so so grateful for this awareness, and man did it come at a high cost, but I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. I have to say it to the universe and to myself; thank you. 

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    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      It's Sunday morning and I just finished reading my morning devotional. In a few hours I will be going to church. Friday I was at Celebrate Recovery, a christian 12 step program and it's all started sounding trite and formulaic. There was a time when I needed it but now listening to Teal it's hard to accept it without seeing the self-serving hypocrisy that has been institutionalized within it. I still believe in God though my understanding of God continues to grow and expand to include concepts of Source, Universal Mind  etc. I am still a follower of Christ and serving God by serving others. I strive to stay in the church so as to point out those contradictions  that keep us coming back to being the Pharisees for the next generation's innovations. I explore outside the church so as to understand what is going on in the outside world. I  explore within myself so as to understand who I am and why I feel the way I do. I feel torn, as though i am being unfaithful, but that's only because the institutionalized true believers demand unquestioning obedience. Sorry, that's not me! I have to go through the tough stuff in order to find the peace the lies on the other side.

      Be blessed @toemilyjune you are a blessing to me.

  3. Day 110 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Me: I’ve been fighting sending you this text for days. I’m on a big personal growth journey with my self esteem and recognizing toxic relationships. Lately I realized there are more than a couple people I was once close to that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’m guessing this is because I was pretty pessimistic, but if there are more reasons, you would be doing me the greatest service in telling me your side of the story. I remember we had a disagreement about my lifestyle but I don’t remember any of the details. I’ve deleted Facebook friends and phone numbers of longtime friends but I feel like I’m missing the bigger picture of what’s going on. I’m not asking anyone else this. If you don’t feel comfortable answering I totally get it, but it is an opportunity to totally vent knowing I will hang onto those words and take action even if you don’t want to be in my life now or after. Whatever you decide no hard feelings from my end and I wish you well. Longtime Friend: I don't think we really had that much of a disagreement. We're different people with different ideals and that's OK, I don't need you to always agree with me, in fact you shouldn't and vice versa. I don't think pessimism was really your problem, I think it was a by product, you've always kind of been latent competitive, you always wanted a guy if he didn't want you, and if he was bad for you all the better. And your kind of competitive with other females if a male is present, and compliments were kind of back handed. You were always measuring people and I think at the same time measuring yourself, and maybe not actually settling anywhere or on anything for that reason. Fear someone was measuring you the same way you were measuring them. But even with that I excepted it for what it was, your perceptions aren't my perceptions. At the same time you're very loyal, and there when the chips are really down. I'm glad you're trying to this for you, but maybe you should venture outside of your head, and experience things outside of yourself. Maybe volunteer somewhere with a demographic of people you're not familiar with, do an activity, that involves interaction with others, you've never experienced or even thought you'd want to...not because you have something to gain or an impression to make, but just to see things differently. It changes your focus, and it changes how you think. Me: Wow. This is gold to me. My mom is really competitive and a professional at backhanded complements, even slipping in subtle jabs in conversations to where you just feel like crap when you walk away and you don’t know why. I never saw she did this until this month. Thanks you a thousand times for telling me I do this myself. After so long this still stands out to you so I know it’s a big thing. Luckily I’ve been curing my toxic guy addiction. I needed anyone to distract me and give me a false sense of self worth in sex and crap companionship. It’s been so long since I’ve dated I don’t think I would have realized that. I know I threw many women under the bus out of jealousy. Shit self esteem byproducts. I’m still measuring people and things and not settling. Man you called that. I wasn’t aware. So judgmental is a big turn off issue of mine. Got it. I agree with you about being around a different demographic I don’t relate to. I think I get so wrapped up in myself it’s easy to forget we are all human with feelings. Shit. I was a snob. This means a lot to me thank you so very much. 🙏 Longtime Friend: Your welcome, Good luck. :-)
  4. Day 110 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

    Me: I’ve been fighting sending you this text for days. I’m on a big personal growth journey with my self esteem and recognizing toxic relationships. Lately I realized there are more than a couple people I was once close to that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’m guessing this is because I was pretty pessimistic, but if there are more reasons, you would be doing me the greatest service in telling me your side of the story. I remember we had a disagreement about my lifestyle but I don’t remember any of the details. I’ve deleted Facebook friends and phone numbers of longtime friends but I feel like I’m missing the bigger picture of what’s going on. I’m not asking anyone else this. If you don’t feel comfortable answering I totally get it, but it is an opportunity to totally vent knowing I will hang onto those words and take action even if you don’t want to be in my life now or after. Whatever you decide no hard feelings from my end and I wish you well. :)  

    Longtime Friend: I don't think we really had that much of a disagreement. We're different people with different ideals and that's OK, I don't need you to always agree with me, in fact you shouldn't and vice versa. I don't think pessimism was really your problem, I think it was a by product, you've always kind of been latent competitive, you always wanted a guy if he didn't want you, and if he was bad for you all the better. And your kind of competitive with other females if a male is present, and compliments were kind of back handed. You were always measuring people and I think at the same time measuring yourself, and maybe not actually settling anywhere or on anything for that reason. Fear someone was measuring you the same way you were measuring them. But even with that I excepted it for what it was, your perceptions aren't my perceptions. At the same time you're very loyal, and there when the chips are really down. I'm glad you're trying to this for you, but maybe you should venture outside of your head, and experience things outside of yourself. Maybe volunteer somewhere with a demographic of people you're not familiar with, do an activity, that involves interaction with others, you've never experienced or even thought you'd want to...not because you have something to gain or an impression to make, but just to see things differently. It changes your focus, and it changes how you think.

    Me: Wow. This is gold to me. My mom is really competitive and a professional at backhanded complements, even slipping in subtle jabs in conversations to where you just feel like crap when you walk away and you don’t know why. I never saw she did this until this month. Thanks you a thousand times for telling me I do this myself. After so long this still stands out to you so I know it’s a big thing. Luckily I’ve been curing my toxic guy addiction. I needed anyone to distract me and give me a false sense of self worth in sex and crap companionship. It’s been so long since I’ve dated I don’t think I would have realized that. I know I threw many women under the bus out of jealousy. Shit self esteem byproducts. I’m still measuring people and things and not settling. Man you called that. I wasn’t aware. So judgmental is a big turn off issue of mine. Got it. I agree with you about being around a different demographic I don’t relate to. I think I get so wrapped up in myself it’s easy to forget we are all human with feelings. Shit. I was a snob. This means a lot to me thank you so very much. 🙏

    Longtime Friend: Your welcome, Good luck. :-)

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    1. Oscar

      Oscar

      Growing up I didnt get any love if I didn' get straight A or was perfect so I became very judgmental on myself trying to find love. It has taken me getting sick to have a little compassion on myself, and I hope you are finding kindess and compassion on yourself too. You deserve it.

    2. toemilyjune

      toemilyjune

      Thank you for what you said. I agree and relate to every word. 

  5. Day 109 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Before falling asleep it occurred to me I was actively hanging onto people that didn't want to be in my life anymore. One I hadn't spoke to in over a year and other's I'd drop a line to after a long stretch and get nothing back. Some were once my very best friends and it didn't occur I was the only one reaching out for a reason. I decided to stop torturing myself and let go. In a place of self love, I delete their reminders including phone numbers and facebook ties and I now feel I'm respecting myself and their wishes. A book I'm reading on recovery from narcissistic abuse notes that true healing can only happen when abusers are removed from your environment, even if it is your parent(s) and you love them. I decided to create a safe space on facebook where I could share with people who I feel actually care for my emotional and physical success. I constructed a group isolating those I felt might criticize me for by being myself. It turns out all of those people are family and their spouses, and even though they don't make me feel good, they were all on the 'close' and 'see first' settings. Clearly I've changed by embracing my intuition, instead of seeking their approval or wishing they will change. Consequently, in this process I let go of thirty people from my friends list that I either, didn't like, or was striving at one point or another to get them to like me. It's a big relief consciously shifting my energy from the insecurity that comes with trying to control the opinions of others. I'm so much more able to see all the good things and people I do have in my life. Letting go can feel really good and is a big step in my journey toward positive focus.
  6. Day 109 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

    Before falling asleep it occurred to me I was actively hanging onto people that didn't want to be in my life anymore. One I hadn't spoke to in over a year and other's I'd drop a line to after a long stretch and get nothing back. Some were once my very best friends and it didn't occur I was the only one reaching out for a reason. I decided to stop torturing myself and let go. In a place of self love, I delete their reminders including phone numbers and facebook ties and I now feel I'm respecting myself and their wishes.

    A book I'm reading on recovery from narcissistic abuse notes that true healing can only happen when abusers are removed from your environment, even if it is your parent(s) and you love them. I decided to create a safe space on facebook where I could share with people who I feel actually care for my emotional and physical success. I constructed a group isolating those I felt might criticize me for by being myself. It turns out all of those people are family and their spouses, and even though they don't make me feel good, they were all on the 'close' and 'see first' settings. Clearly I've changed by embracing my intuition, instead of seeking their approval or wishing they will change. 

    Consequently, in this process I let go of thirty people from my friends list that I either, didn't like, or was striving at one point or another to get them to like me. It's a big relief consciously shifting my energy from the insecurity that comes with trying to control the opinions of others. I'm so much more able to see all the good things and people I do have in my life. Letting go can feel really good and is a big step in my journey toward positive focus. 

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    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      When i graduated High School I left home and got a job on a tanker, traveled around the country and didn't call home for years. It gave me the room to be me, to discover who i am! They are all dead now.

    2. toemilyjune

      toemilyjune

      That sounds like a fun job. I've considered it for myself in the past. I guess you dodged a long term emotional bullet with them. :)

    3. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Yes, I hate to think who I would have become if I'd stayed at home.:O

  7. Day 108 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' So this is awkward, but I'm proud, so here goes. When times get tough physically I'll do an enema. It releases mucus and gunk from the colon easing symptoms of detox. It's an ancient practice used by many cultures throughout the world, as it cures many common ailments. I don't know what this is like for people who do it regularly, but for me, it's very uncomfortable. It takes me roughly four eliminations from a one liter bag. I've probably done 15 in my lifetime but tonight the stars aligned and I did a bag with two eliminations. This usually leaves me feeling really tired, a little dizzy and so over it, but I decided to push through and lay in front of the tv for a second liter. To my amazement I got all but about 4oz in there and nearly made it to the bathroom. Let me just say wow! The only thing I can equate this to is when you start running or doing yoga and you're hurting without pleasure, then after a few months it starts to be enjoyable. I won't go that far about enjoyment, but it was eye opening amazement. This health coach I'm following walks around with a liter of water in her holding it for at least twenty minutes even doing handstands. I try not to think she is nuts. Perhaps I will get there someday, although I'd much rather be good at yoga than holding an enema. Perhaps both.
  8. Day 108 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

    So this is awkward, but I'm proud, so here goes. When times get tough physically I'll do an enema. It releases mucus and gunk from the colon easing symptoms of detox. It's an ancient practice used by many cultures throughout the world, as it cures many common ailments. I don't know what this is like for people who do it regularly, but for me, it's very uncomfortable. It takes me roughly four eliminations from a one liter bag. I've probably done 15 in my lifetime but tonight the stars aligned and I did a bag with two eliminations. This usually leaves me feeling really tired, a little dizzy and so over it, but I decided to push through and lay in front of the tv for a second liter. To my amazement I got all but about 4oz in there and nearly made it to the bathroom. Let me just say wow! The only thing I can equate this to is when you start running or doing yoga and you're hurting without pleasure, then after a few months it starts to be enjoyable. I won't go that far about enjoyment, but it was eye opening amazement. This health coach I'm following walks around with a liter of water in her holding it for at least twenty minutes even doing handstands. I try not to think she is nuts. Perhaps I will get there someday, although I'd much rather be good at yoga than holding an enema. Perhaps both. 

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  9. Day 107 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' It was my first day stalking my thoughts like a ninja. I didn't even have to be a stalker. I was in a metaphorical office chair in the middle of an empty room in my mind with a buzzer. That wasn't nice. How did that make you feel? How can we rephrase that? Thought ninja! Thought ninja over and over again became my new phrase, because at some points negativity was so fast I was onto the next before I'd corrected the prior. What a lesson! I'm really glad I am seeing this. I know it's going to take a lot of work, but I think it's one of the most worthy tasks of this lifetime. Teal mentions in her energy vampire video that another person isn't taking your energy their influence is slowing down your connection to source and that's what leads you to feel drained afterward. It makes a lot of sense that I have slowed my connection through my own thinking making me a match to a virus that leaves me so tired. On another note, the sun was shining, it was unusually warm, I got a lovely gift in the mail and had a bit more spunk than normal. I felt so so deeply validated watching the video When The Only Way to Be OK is to Not Be OK. If I didn't know better I'd say she made that video just for me. I watched it twice. It is now motivating when I understand the ways in which I have been conditioned; and through awareness I'm attempting to write a new story, when before I just felt powerless.
  10. Day 107 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'

    It was my first day stalking my thoughts like a ninja. I didn't even have to be a stalker. I was in a metaphorical office chair in the middle of an empty room in my mind with a buzzer. That wasn't nice. How did that make you feel? How can we rephrase that? Thought ninja! Thought ninja over and over again became my new phrase, because at some points negativity was so fast I was onto the next before I'd corrected the prior. What a lesson! I'm really glad I am seeing this. I know it's going to take a lot of work, but I think it's one of the most worthy tasks of this lifetime. Teal mentions in her energy vampire video that another person isn't taking your energy their influence is slowing down your connection to source and that's what leads you to feel drained afterward. It makes a lot of sense that I have slowed my connection through my own thinking making me a match to a virus that leaves me so tired. On another note, the sun was shining, it was unusually warm, I got a lovely gift in the mail and had a bit more spunk than normal. I felt so so deeply validated watching the video When The Only Way to Be OK is to Not Be OK.  If I didn't know better I'd say she made that video just for me. I watched it twice. It is now motivating when I understand the ways in which I have been conditioned; and through awareness I'm attempting to write a new story, when before I just felt powerless. 

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    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Love the picture what's it from?

    2. toemilyjune

      toemilyjune

      I'm not sure. I just picks what resonates with me in a google search. 

       

  11. Day 106 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Shift your attitude to gratitude. Notable things I learned from The Journey: A Roadmap to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse "Self-control is the only real control there is in this life. You can control how you show up in every moment. You cannot control anything outside yourself." "Something magical happens when you change yourself. The universe changes how it responds to you." "If you grew up in a narcissistic household, you were programmed into a negative paradigm of fear and doubt. In order to liberate yourself to create the life you actually want to live, you need to rewrite those scripts in your self talk." Become like a ninja stalking your thoughts shifting them to the positive. "The reprogramming process is essentially training your "inner critic" to become a helpful ally instead of a master saboteur." "Your perspective, how you look at yourself and the world, is what determines your reality." With gentle nudges from friends, while reflecting on how much better I felt in a state of gratitude and reaffirming it through reading today, I feel the message is clear. It is time to retrain my thinking to shift to the positive. Reading about how I was 'programmed' into focussing negatively on lack and fear is the straw that's forcing my foot down. I want to think with a healthy positive perspective and then if I spend some time in the negative that's MY choice, not all I know because that's how I was raised. Also, the exercise I did imagining my life 20 years from now, the most notable part about that was that I was alone and very unhappy because of my complaining and negative outlook. I can feel awful and still have healthy relationships where I give to other people. So now it's operation thought ninja! I imagine I'll have to put some thought into how to implement it and stay on task. I'm so far to one side of the scale, it's overwhelming. I feel I'm pessimistic without even realizing it. I'm totally open to feedback, now and in the future.
  12. Day 106 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Shift your attitude to gratitude.

    Notable things I learned from The Journey: A Roadmap to Healing After Narcissistic Abuse "Self-control is the only real control there is in this life. You can control how you show up in every moment. You cannot control anything outside yourself." "Something magical happens when you change yourself. The universe changes how it responds to you." "If you grew up in a narcissistic household, you were programmed into a negative paradigm of fear and doubt. In order to liberate yourself to create the life you actually want to live, you need to rewrite those scripts in your self talk." Become like a ninja stalking your thoughts shifting them to the positive. "The reprogramming process is essentially training your "inner critic" to become a helpful ally instead of a master saboteur." "Your perspective, how you look at yourself and the world, is what determines your reality."

    With gentle nudges from friends, while reflecting on how much better I felt in a state of gratitude and reaffirming it through reading today, I feel the message is clear. It is time to retrain my thinking to shift to the positive. Reading about how I was 'programmed' into focussing negatively on lack and fear is the straw that's forcing my foot down. I want to think with a healthy positive perspective and then if I spend some time in the negative that's MY choice, not all I know because that's how I was raised. Also, the exercise I did imagining my life 20 years from now, the most notable part about that was that I was alone and very unhappy because of my complaining and negative outlook. I can feel awful and still have healthy relationships where I give to other people. So now it's operation thought ninja! I imagine I'll have to put some thought into how to implement it and stay on task. I'm so far to one side of the scale, it's overwhelming. I feel I'm pessimistic without even realizing it. I'm totally open to feedback, now and in the future. 

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    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Thanks guys all I can say is "me too" Love you both!!!

    3. Ramses Rodriguez

      Ramses Rodriguez

      Oh my! I don't think I noticed this before. I'm glad you told me. I agree with you. I love my parents, but her and I have always had a tough time getting along. I will have to look into the covert narc type. I'm sure I will uncover something.

      My parents divorce is fresh. They officially separated last November. I feel caught between the two of them in a sense and they occasionally take stabs at each other when they talk to me. It's kind of uncomfortable. As for this comment my dad said, I have been probing him a lot, unfortunately, because I wanted to know if the memories of my abuse were true. I think now that I trust myself some more, I won't be doing that.

      Emily, you don't have to apologize for bringing this to my attention! I actually appreciate it. Now that I am moving along a path of authenticity (not always successful but I am trying, LOL) I really do like knowing others take on what I share. Frankly, I never considered that dynamic and I will look into it!

      Thank you Emily!

      Best,

      Ramses Rodriguez 

    4. toemilyjune

      toemilyjune

      Ramses, 

      You are an adult. If you feel like you were abused, you were. Just because you don't remember, doesn't make it not so. The brain blocks things out that are traumatic even if you don't consciously see it as trauma. If the brain doesn't know how to deal with something so it compartmentalizes it to protect you. Just reading what you wrote, I'd like to give you the validation that you have emotionally suffered. I'm not sure about the labels in your case, but finding them has given me immense strength to change my programming. If healing is what you want you will get it and ultimately be happier for it. I believe in you. 

      Sincerely,

      Emily June

      P.S. I'm so very very relieved you found what I said helpful and not a buzz kill on how you were feeling. 

  13. Day 105 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? In the spirit of letting go. Sigh. Deep breath. I release the need to prove to my family, remaining friends and the world I'm not lazy and I really am going through something I'm sure they too would find very difficult to handle. I let go of the desire to appear that I am on top of everything executing it as efficiently as a top executive. I let go of trying to control your opinion of me. My debt is not the plague. I'm done swimming up stream attempting to pay it off with manifested money. I'm done focusing on the perfectly executed swan dive I'm doing just to pay my bills and get a few supplements. Let's just say I'd like to be done with that. I can honestly release trying to control when I will feel good again. I'm doing the best I can with my physical and emotional blockages to take care of myself and heal in a loving safe way and that is enough. I let go of the possibility of giving birth to my daughter Eliana in this lifetime. Perhaps I'll meet your spirit in another form. I love you. Grecian water I have touched you in my mind and am grateful for your landscape in my imagination. You're next to my home with a sunroom my kitties bath in while I make pottery and jewelry surrounded by beautiful crystals and few plants. Surely this dream doesn't make me suffer? I can release the timeline of when, but it goes against every fiber of my being to give up hope. In Teal's Chronic Fatigue video she asks that the girl imagine herself twenty years from now as if she was still sick. Both her and I have incredible resistance to this so I'm going to attempt to sink into that here and now. I believe the goal is to stop fighting yourself where you are currently and realize that you are worthy of love just the way you are. It's in the fighting that further wears you out making you a match suffering because in a sense you are constantly rejecting yourself and your body as not good enough. Here goes. I'm 55. My mother's husband has died. Her and have sold her inheritance and now live in a small town in Nevada. I have glasses and intense body aches. Sometimes my hands go numb and others I feel like my skin is burning. I'm overweight ashamed of it, and complain a lot. No one wants to be around me because of my attitude. I also stink from time to time from sporadically showering, irregularly washing my bedding and not brushing my teeth. I gave up hope on romance and in person friendships long ago, but I still manage to have a couple of online friends I've met in chat groups. Otherwise I spend my days mentally attempting to care for my mother while someone else does our shopping and the cooking. I take deep comfort in the company of my cat while my moms corgi empire is now a humble two. I have migraines and spend a significant time in bed watching tv with occasional upswings where I move very slowly to walk the few feet to visit my mother and see if she needs anything. Ok it's awful; but I went there, and I can live with it. What's the lesson again? Oh yeah, What you resist persists.
  14. Day 105 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?

    In the spirit of letting go. Sigh. Deep breath. I release the  need to prove to my family, remaining friends and the world I'm not lazy and I really am going through something I'm sure they too would find very difficult to handle. I let go of the desire to appear that I am on top of everything executing it as efficiently as a top executive. I let go of trying to control your opinion of me. My debt is not the plague. I'm done swimming up stream attempting to pay it off with manifested money. I'm done focusing on the perfectly executed swan dive I'm doing just to pay my bills and get a few supplements. Let's just say I'd like to be done with that. I can honestly release trying to control when I will feel good again. I'm doing the best I can with my physical and emotional blockages to take care of myself and heal in a loving safe way and that is enough. I let go of the possibility of giving birth to my daughter Eliana in this lifetime. Perhaps I'll meet your spirit in another form. I love you. Grecian water I have touched you in my mind and am grateful for your landscape in my imagination. You're next to my home with a sunroom my kitties bath in while I make pottery and jewelry surrounded by beautiful crystals and few plants. Surely this dream doesn't make me suffer? I can release the timeline of when, but it goes against every fiber of my being to give up hope. 

    In Teal's Chronic Fatigue video she asks that the girl imagine herself twenty years from now as if she was still sick. Both her and I have incredible resistance to this so I'm going to attempt to sink into that here and now. I believe the goal is to stop fighting yourself where you are currently and realize that you are worthy of love just the way you are. It's in the fighting that further wears you out making you a match suffering because in a sense you are constantly rejecting yourself and your body as not good enough. Here goes. I'm 55. My mother's husband has died. Her and have sold her inheritance and now live in a small town in Nevada. I have glasses and intense body aches. Sometimes my hands go numb and others I feel like my skin is burning. I'm overweight ashamed of it, and complain a lot. No one wants to be around me because of my attitude. I also stink from time to time from sporadically showering, irregularly washing my bedding and not brushing my teeth. I gave up hope on romance and in person friendships long ago, but I still manage to have a couple of online friends I've met in chat groups. Otherwise I spend my days mentally attempting to care for my mother while someone else does our shopping and the cooking. I take deep comfort in the company of my cat while my moms corgi empire is now a humble two. I have migraines and spend a significant time in bed watching tv with occasional upswings where I move very slowly to walk the few feet to visit my mother and see if she needs anything. Ok it's awful; but I went there, and I can live with it. What's the lesson again? Oh yeah, What you resist persists. 

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    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      I lost a dear friend many years ago to cervical cancer. She and I had been lovers and parted ways amiably. I saw her just a day or to before she passed on to the next world and she was surrounded by such an aura of peace, it was like being in the presence of a guru or a saint. I feel that peace in you too. Underneath all the pain and fatigue is a knowledge that it's all just earthly stuff and the divine within you is at peace with life and death and suffering and joy, PEACE

  15. Day 104 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? How to combat exhaustion. Fall in love. Play in the sun. Get some sleep. Eat carbohydrates, preferably fruit. If that doesn't work, increase your lymph flow with exercise, dry skin brushing, massage or hot/cold therapies. Happiness really helps. Eat as clean as possible, take some detoxing herbs, kill some parasites and get comfortable with daily enemas. Wait for a lift in symptoms or something profoundly inspiring that motivates you to your feet again. This is me without the love, sun, exercise, massage and reliable sleep. I'm depressed and I'm tired, but how do I negate one or both if I can barely get out of bed for legitimate health reasons? The doctor asked me what I'm doing to be happy. I told her I walk briefly when I have the energy and she looked at me like that's not enough. I know she's right, but I am genuinely deeply exhausted. Bringing up my commitment to this process didn't help my case any. Next she asked what am I doing to heal and she gave the whole protein speech when I told her about detoxing through a diet of fruit. I countered with my recent attempt to eat salmon, my addiction to avocados, and feeling like utter shit after. I told her about my nightmares after eating any fat. Eventually I convinced her this isn't my first rodeo. I've been riding the wave dietary changes and supplement lists for years. Western medicine doesn't have a cure for this I retorted negating any further arguments. If I want a cure, I have to do it on my own. Like an awesome doctor she silently agreed and mentioned natural supplements to aid me in my task agreeing to check the virus count six months from now to see if it's decreased. I am so over these posts. To write about my life is to complain. Frankly I'm sick of reflecting and I know people are sick of reading it. I don't like the way I sound and want to change so badly, but I'm reminded of Teals Chronic Fatigue video. Just let go she tells the girl desperate to get her life back. Just accept things where you are. I can't the girl says. Teal essentially says you will keep resisting until your body gets so tired it takes you out. Like that girl on stage I can't accept life like this either, yet it's already happening and getting worse. I'm fighting like hell not to give up, not imaging my suicide and what it would be like if I'm still alive in twenty years. It's terrifying to think of giving up a productive energetic life. Perhaps energetically I need to spend time in the space of acceptance as if having been defeated. Saying that feels like signing a deal from the devil, but I trust Teal and that's what I'll reflect upon tonight before I sleep. What life is like without resistance in the worst case scenario. I've even got more fuel after watching that fucking documentary Unrest.