toemilyjune

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About toemilyjune

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  • Birthday 01/09/1983

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  1. Day 170 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Accept healing nightmares. I went to a social gathering for the first time in months. It was a group of four of us raw vegans sharing our stories about fasts and cleanses, opinions on popular fruitarians in social media. It was so amazing to forget about how I am a feeling and how worried I am for two straight hours. Between us there was so much knowlege in the room that I just kept asking questions. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation, but I was blissed out by the company, let alone the amazing food. I ate fat for the first time in a long time too. It's probably because I know what a delicate state I'm in, but I didn't feel the need to over indulge. When I eat fat I get nightmares. What's coming up for me in this stage of cleansing is inappropriate sexual behavior from my father that has become glaringly obvious to me since I have made some improvement in my self esteem. The fat induced nightmare that followed was about being groped. I was tired and wanted to lay down but an overweight Albanian man was trying to feel me up. I went to a different bed, or came back at a different time of night, but my boundaries kept getting violated by horny guys who had zero respect for me. After a while I went to lay on the couch to finally pass out since a bed was not an option. Three feet in front of me is another girl trying to sleep on the floor. She's looking right at me as these hands come over me and start groping my breasts. I'm in this state of agonizing paralysis despite fighting to break free. Oblivious to the terror in my eyes, and what I think is my mouth agape expelling this immense effort to scream, she looked right through me. No sound was coming out of my mouth. Nothing. I don't even know if she could see me struggling. In these moments of true powerlessness I'm wondering if she's even smart enough to see these are not my arms; surely she knows. I'm left alone in my terror observing her until I finally wake up. My father's abuse was so much more covert than this dream. According to my sister's effort to confide in my mother and save me from him, groping happened when I was very young, not when I could communicate effectively. He's an intelligent man. I remember at 15 I came home from school and walked in on him jacking off in the living room. He didn't even stop when he saw me. Upon confrontation of my 'inappropriate reaction' he boasted, 'Who are the cops going to believe a troubled teen or a adult?' I think this was the blow out fight that led me to go live in a storm drain to get away from him. Within a short time I was calling the cops for a different reason after having extremely blurry lines of rape with with a 24 year old. A hundred yards or so from my drain, he took me to a dirty mattress, on the ground and women's clothing tossed amongst beer bottles, garbage and drug paraphernalia. I knew if I fought him it was going to be a loosing struggle that would prove physically and emotionally painful, so I'm not proud to say, I didn't fight him. It's my many experiences of total naivety when I put myself in sexually dangerous situations that I am reminded of the girl in my dream laying on the floor watching me. I think she is me before I became self aware, and despite being strong, was still largely unaware of the many ways I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by my father and other men. The time this incident happened was about the age of the girl watching me in my dream.
  2. Day 170 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Accept healing nightmares.

    I went to a social gathering for the first time in months. It was a group of four of us raw vegans sharing our stories about fasts and cleanses, opinions on popular fruitarians in social media. It was so amazing to forget about how I am a feeling and how worried I am for two straight hours. Between us there was so much knowlege in the room that I just kept asking questions. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation, but I was blissed out by the company, let alone the amazing food. I ate fat for the first time in a long time too. It's probably because I know what a delicate state I'm in, but I didn't feel the need to over indulge. When I eat fat I get nightmares.

    What's coming up for me in this stage of cleansing is inappropriate sexual behavior from my father that has become glaringly obvious to me since I have made some improvement in my self esteem. The fat induced nightmare that followed was about being groped. I was tired and wanted to lay down but an overweight Albanian man was trying to feel me up. I went to a different bed, or came back at a different time of night, but my boundaries kept getting violated by horny guys who had zero respect for me. After a while I went to lay on the couch to finally pass out since a bed was not an option. Three feet in front of me is another girl trying to sleep on the floor. She's looking right at me as these hands come over me and start groping my breasts. I'm in this state of agonizing paralysis despite fighting to break free. Oblivious to the terror in my eyes, and what I think is my mouth agape expelling this immense effort to scream, she looked right through me. No sound was coming out of my mouth. Nothing. I don't even know if she could see me struggling. In these moments of true powerlessness I'm wondering if she's even smart enough to see these are not my arms; surely she knows. I'm left alone in my terror observing her until I finally wake up.

    My father's abuse was so much more covert than this dream. According to my sister's effort to confide in my mother and save me from him, groping happened when I was very young, not when I could communicate effectively. He's an intelligent man. I remember at 15 I came home from school and walked in on him jacking off in the living room. He didn't even stop when he saw me. Upon confrontation of my 'inappropriate reaction' he boasted, 'Who are the cops going to believe a troubled teen or a adult?' I think this was the blow out fight that led me to go live in a storm drain to get away from him. Within a short time I was calling the cops for a different reason after having extremely blurry lines of rape with with a 24 year old. A hundred yards or so from my drain, he took me to a dirty mattress, on the ground and women's clothing tossed amongst beer bottles, garbage and drug paraphernalia. I knew if I fought him it was going to be a loosing struggle that would prove physically and emotionally painful, so I'm not proud to say, I didn't fight him. It's my many experiences of total naivety when I put myself in sexually dangerous situations that I am reminded of the girl in my dream laying on the floor watching me. I think she is me before I became self aware, and despite being strong, was still largely unaware of the many ways I was being manipulated and taken advantage of by my father and other men. The time this incident happened was about the age of the girl watching me in my dream.

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    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Having been used as a sex object at a young age causes us to believe that if we want to be attractive we must be willing to be exploited. Not true. The two are separate and exclusive. Arousal is a physical state that results from stimulation, physical and emotional. Exploitation is a feeling of powerlessness brought on by being used by others for their arousal without any consideration for your feelings. Forgive yourself! You did nothing wrong even when you chose to allow it to happen. Forgive the abuse as the unfeeling actions of an unwell, self absorbed and sick selfish individual. you have the power to choose your own sensuality. It's ok to be aroused, it's ok to desire physical stimulation and release! You choose what satisfies you and whether you let it be dominating or submissive see yourself as having the power to choose. What your Father and other abusers did was not OK and not your fault. That's between them and their God, between them and the universe. Let it go, you did nothing wrong! Let them go, they are not in charge of your feelings, you are. You have all the power of the universe at your disposal. Use it to rise above the hurt and pain and be the beautiful, powerful, sensuous person that you are. Be Blessed!

  3. Day 169 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? How do you feel about this quote from the movie Thanks For Sharing? Feelings are like children; you don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to stuff them in the trunk either.
  4. Day 169 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

    How do you feel about this quote from the movie Thanks For Sharing? Feelings are like children; you don't want them driving the car, but you don't want to stuff them in the trunk either. 

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      When dealing with the physical world of money. career, decisions, feelings are the tools that tell us whether we are in harmony with what seems right or smart from society's view. When working on ourselves from a spiritual view feelings point us to what we desire and what is in need of healing. Making decisions  to soothe the pain of emotions with physical indulgence leads to self destructive addictive behavior. Denying feelings leads to alienation and abandonment. Don't let your inner child drive the car but do let them choose the destination! I need to raise my inner child to be a healthy happy playful joyous part of my multifaceted adult.

  5. Day 168 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I had my consultation with Dr. Morse's clinic. I am so grateful that she understood how much anxiety I have over starting the powerful herbal formulas. In the past my adrenals have crashed every time I've attempted to cleanse. She sees all the weakness in my body by looking at my Iris reading. Nothing is missed and that is also highly comforting. It's like visual back up for all the ailments I'm telling her. I could be silent and she could make a protocol based on my eye reading and bowel movements alone. I'll be taking two glandulars to support my pineal gland and adrenals while I cleanse and rebuild my strength. Apparently my brain and bowels are saturated with sulfur from the countless antibiotics I have taken amplifying my symptoms. It's almost over. This is the beginning of the end of my suffering for health. The big guns of healing are priming and as soon as those herbs come in the mail, it will be time to conquer my fears of side effects one dropperful at a time.
  6. Day 168 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

    I had my consultation with Dr. Morse's clinic. I am so grateful that she understood how much anxiety I have over starting the powerful herbal formulas. In the past my adrenals have crashed every time I've attempted to cleanse. She sees all the weakness in my body by looking at my Iris reading. Nothing is missed and that is also highly comforting. It's like visual back up for all the ailments I'm telling her. I could be silent and she could make a protocol based on my eye reading and bowel movements alone. I'll be taking two glandulars to support my pineal gland and adrenals while I cleanse and rebuild my strength. Apparently my brain and bowels are saturated with sulfur from the countless antibiotics I have taken amplifying my symptoms. It's almost over. This is the beginning of the end of my suffering for health. The big guns of healing are priming and as soon as those herbs come in the mail, it will be time to conquer my fears of side effects one dropperful at a time. 

  7. Day 167 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I made a list in all the ways I am manipulated by family so I would recognize them more readily in the moment to stand up for myself. This is definitely going to be a new muscle to strengthen. I'm very apt to avoiding conflict, but I'm over being disrespected, especially as if it's second nature.
  8. Day 167 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

    I made a list in all the ways I am manipulated by family so I would recognize them more readily in the moment to stand up for myself. This is definitely going to be a new muscle to strengthen. I'm very apt to avoiding conflict, but I'm over being disrespected, especially as if it's second nature. 

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      I had to leave home and have no contact with my family for years before I felt strong enough to be my own person and feel I could stand up for myself! Not a recommendation, just an observation. Power to the people, power to the person!

  9. Day 166 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I'm a 35 year old woman. I very rarely speak to my father because I feel drained when I do. I feel he's always trying to manipulate me, aggressively bend me to his will. He's also suffering from Morgellon's disease and the worst isolative depression. The amazing news I got about my appointment with Dr. Morse's clinic gave me the motivation I needed to finally pick up the phone and relieve the guilt of dodging his calls. After a few minutes of conversation he tells me he's naked in his living room. I told him to call me back, it was no big deal. Somehow the conversation lasted an hour. At one point he was breathing funny, a bit heavily. It was clearly abnormal, but I didn't address it. Later the naked conversation comes up again and I asked him why he didn't put me on speaker and dress himself. He almost cheerfully stated he was comfortable and rarely received company. At this point, I started to feel drained and made an excuse to get off the phone. The conversation lasted another ten minutes before I protested I really needed to go. It's been almost 24 hours from our talk. Bam! Out of nowhere the visuals hit me. I now swear my father was jacking off to our conversation. I've written about red flags with him in the past, but this just makes me see my father is truly a sexual predator. He's so smooth. How will I ever sort this subtle manipulative, innocence stealing, vampiric behavior out in my mind to heal it? There is a reason I never want to see him again. To answer the sacred question, someone who loves themselves allows these feelings to surface. Yes, you've been taken advantage of starting before a time you were even conscious of or able to defend yourself. Keep affirming your boundaries, and resist the urge to stay silent when you feel something is off. That self questioning low self esteem is exactly what people rely on to take advantage of others. If you aren't comfortable, do what you need to do to take care of yourself even if it's an inconvenience, or makes you look poorly in some way. You are the most important person in your life. How you treat yourself determines the company you keep and how they treat you as well. Just because you were born to abusive parents does not mean you have to suffer for a lifetime. Self love, self realization, patience, and boundaries are key. Emily, don't let a sad man take your light any longer. You deserve more than what you have been given. You may be a bit jaded now, but you're a compassionate, resilient soul committed to love and health emotionally and physically.
  10. Day 166 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

    I'm a 35 year old woman. I very rarely speak to my father because I feel drained when I do. I feel he's always trying to manipulate me, aggressively bend me to his will. He's also suffering from Morgellon's disease and the worst isolative depression. The amazing news I got about my appointment with Dr. Morse's clinic gave me the motivation I needed to finally pick up the phone and relieve the guilt of dodging his calls. After a few minutes of conversation he tells me he's naked in his living room. I told him to call me back, it was no big deal. Somehow the conversation lasted an hour. At one point he was breathing funny, a bit heavily. It was clearly abnormal, but I didn't address it. Later the naked conversation comes up again and I asked him why he didn't put me on speaker and dress himself. He almost cheerfully stated he was comfortable and rarely received company. At this point, I started to feel drained and made an excuse to get off the phone. The conversation lasted another ten minutes before I protested I really needed to go. It's been almost 24 hours from our talk. Bam! Out of nowhere the visuals hit me. I now swear my father was jacking off to our conversation. I've written about red flags with him in the past, but this just makes me see my father is truly a sexual predator. He's so smooth. How will I ever sort this subtle manipulative, innocence stealing, vampiric behavior out in my mind to heal it? There is a reason I never want to see him again. 

    To answer the sacred question, someone who loves themselves allows these feelings to surface. Yes, you've been taken advantage of starting before a time you were even conscious of or able to defend yourself. Keep affirming your boundaries, and resist the urge to stay silent when you feel something is off. That self questioning low self esteem is exactly what people rely on to take advantage of others. If you aren't comfortable, do what you need to do to take care of yourself even if it's an inconvenience, or makes you look poorly in some way. You are the most important person in your life. How you treat yourself determines the company you keep and how they treat you as well. Just because you were born to abusive parents does not mean you have to suffer for a lifetime. Self love, self realization, patience, and boundaries are key. Emily, don't let a sad man take your light any longer. You deserve more than what you have been given. You may be a bit jaded now, but you're a compassionate, resilient soul committed to love and health emotionally and physically. 

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Feel sorry for him he has no one to love him because he can't stop manipulating long enough to have an authentic conversation with his daughter! Be authentic yourself. Manipulation doesn't work with someone who refuses to respond to the innuendo or be offended by the socially unacceptable behavior.

      Forgiveness means letting other people's abuse, neglect and manipulation go so you can be free of the anger, resentment and disgust you feel because of them. Let it go. Give it to God, to the universe, and be free!

    2. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      I just watched Teal's new video on anger and thought you might be able to use tis technique to restore your personal power and independence. Hope all goes well with Dr Moore. Be blessed, you are a blessing to me.

  11. Day 165 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? My prayers were answered today! The sliding scale application to the office of the world renowned detoxification specialist Dr. Morse was approved. If wasn't already elated enough, shortly after receiving a confirmation email I got a phone call from Florida to set me up with an appointment. Somehow I bypassed a hefty waiting list usually pushing two months long and now have appointment on Monday! They must really think I need to get in there based on my application, or perhaps my guides are pulling strings for me. Either way it was such an amazing day I had the strength to call my father. I think he might follow in my footsteps when he sees my path to healing is truly working.
  12. Day 164 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Stop stressing over the whole picture trying to get an end result you can't possibly know from within your mind and take baby steps. Get out of your head a bit.
  13. Day 165 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

    My prayers were answered today! The sliding scale application to the office of the world renowned detoxification specialist Dr. Morse was approved. If wasn't already elated enough, shortly after receiving a confirmation email I got a phone call from Florida to set me up with an appointment. Somehow I bypassed a hefty waiting list usually pushing two months long and now have appointment on Monday! They must really think I need to get in there based on my application, or perhaps my guides are pulling strings for me. Either way it was such an amazing day I had the strength to call my father. I think he might follow in my footsteps when he sees my path to healing is truly working. 

     

    1. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Where in Florida? We r in Tallahassee!

    2. toemilyjune
    3. Pastor George

      Pastor George

      Port Charlotte. That's a 5 hour drive from here. Have a good trip. Come see us when u can!

  14. Day 164 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? 

    Stop stressing over the whole picture trying to get an end result you can't possibly know from within your mind and take baby steps. Get out of your head a bit. 

  15. Day 163 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I've been distant from my mom since I've been able to interpret the level of abuse I was subjected to. I see her in a very different way. She is however my mother and went from being one of my closest friends to someone I will aways have my guard up with. Tonight I tried to talk to her about things going on in my life. I tried to make small talk. I showed her a video of a guy who feeds his dog home cooked meals while sipping on fresh pressed vegetable juices and coconut water. My mom is a professional breeder. She was silent. Then I showed her before and after pictures of people healing on an all fruit diet when she criticized me. She was silent refusing to give any opinion at all after that. In fact it was like she was learning how I think in order to one day have me committed (again). I feel like I let her into trusted territory and it will be used against me. My effort backfired and now I feel really guilty; I made a big mistake; like I left my banking password on my facebook page. I tried to make small talk. Silence. I told her of a book I read and asked her if she's read anything lately. Nope nothing. If anything I could feel the judgement and criticism radiating off of her. I learned my lesson. I can not let my guard down. I have to become financially independent and get out of here. I just wish there was someone close by I could talk to. These posts and phone calls with my sister are my connection to the world. God I should have known better than go over there when I wasn't feeling my strongest. Dammit Emily; you fucked up.