Matei

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About Matei

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  • Birthday 11/01/1993

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  1. Why don't i move on? I thought i did I went thru so much and processed so deeply. But it doesn't stop. That is simply because before i met her i had no trust in anything and no hope in anything. Then naturally i put all my hopes in that unhealthy relationship and it all got taken away. But that was almost nine months ago and there were so many layers and and things i discovered Recently i thought i am okay Today i realize that i literally think about her all the time and it makes no sense. Not to mention she will have a child and a family soon. It just makes no sense because there is nothing to hang on to. Yet i do All i wanted to do in the past months was to feel it unconditionally.. and i did, unconditionally, and it got worse and worse, or just more intense and now i can't stand it yet i can't do anything about it. Nor would i want to. But i can't live life, i can't do anything.. or maybe i just don't know how to live, because before i met her i had no trust that life can be good. Now i am back at the same point but with a lot of experience and really caring for myself as best as i can every moment. The truth is that i can't care for myself all the way and i feel very lost and deeply isolated. And i just become more and more volatile in the sense that i cry super easily about so many things I don't really even know if she loved me truly.. whatever truly means One thing i have accomplished for sure is that i don't judge or blame her in my mind ot heart, at all. And that made me feel more of the pain. All my destructive tendencies melt in the fire of this pain. It took lots of heat to accomplish that As painful as last summer was, i literally had no idea how deep this is.. i just thought it would transform me. But it did so much more i can't even express. And it only gets more intense and i don't get how it works All i feel is how important she is to me and how much i care about her. There are no words for how much she means and the connection i feel to her is truly permanent I don't know how to accept her absence So much got better.. amazing actually. For example i never put myself in the victim mentality, i do for myself everything i can every moment and the list goes on about how incredibly much i evolved and how much freedom i enjoy now I literally had no idea it would continue even after all this. Not only does it continue but i get moments every day where i suddenly, out of the blu, feel an intense crushing choking contraction in my body, the heaviest emotion possible in my experience. Which i handle very well. But the pain of all these woundings, which are tied to choldhood, is out of my control. I either feel like i am living the worst saddest possible dream, or i feel complete freedom and bliss. I feel both every day.. sometimes within a minute, and both are so real and so true. I am really grateful for feeling so freely But i miss her so deeply and i really don't understand why Thank you for taking the time to read and if you want to say anything to all this please feel free to do so
  2. In my experience it is more a matter of self confidence, the confidence that you get when you care for your needs no matter what it takes. In those social settings do you often feel anxious but you stay there anyway, and kinda try to act a certain way to make yourself more sociable? if that is the case then my advice is to never do that unless it is absolutely necessary, and maybe not even then. Because the only way you can be free to be yourself in social settings is to listen to your emotions and not put yourself in that situation. That will create a sense of safety within your body. That sense of safety takes roots in the cells of your body over time and will allow you to feel safe in that situation no matter what you feel in other people and no matter the expectations. That is something that that you cannot force, because it comes with being dedicated to caring for how you feel in a very honest way For me it has helped to realize that people, especially extroverts are very insecure inside, and seeing them interact and act from their deep down insecurity gave me a great sense of control in those situations, because i knew i was a few steps ahead due to knowing what is actually happening. That did not calm my anxiety completely though, because there was still the judgment i had for myself, a very harsh judgment that made me feel less than i should be, made me feel that i don't have value or power. In the end what gave me confidence and a realistic control in social situations has been realizing that usual interactions are most times superficial, non-important, and that life is about much more than socializing with groups of people in a superficial way. I like it sometimes, but generally i do not bother to waste my time with that and i prefer talking to one two or three people at a time as that is much more powerful. The good news is that if i could do it then anyone can. It was extreme. For a long time i could not even imagine being able to be in a group, not even if if forced myself Take yourself easy and don't push yourself. Naturally you may feel like you want to socialize in that way. If so then be gentle with yourself and take it very slow. Learn to take yourself out of situations if it is too much It is okay to be like this. It does not mean anything bad about you unless you decide it is so. You can change it but only as a result of unconditionally caring about how you feel, not from any desperate attempt to get rid of your fear, which can only make it worse and backfire This has been my experience. Hope it helps or inspires you in any way
  3. Matei

    Well yes, probably not sleeping when it is dark outside is a main reason, but it is also incredibly unhealthy. So first do your best to change that Other than that make sure to eat a lot of plant based protein, and protein in general but not meat because it will most probably have the opposite effect due to the long time it takes to pass thru the intestines. Never be deprived of protein and make a habit of counting the grams of protein in your meals in order to make sure there is enough. Make sure you get proteins in the morning especially. How much protein is up to you but considering that you want to gain wait, try to get as much as you can. Personally i do not believe what some people say that it would not be healthy to eat a lot of protein. If it is plant based and the meals are eaten at equal intervals then it should be okay but your body also needs to use the protein, which means to build muscle, so work out as much as you can, without forcing your body You have to figure out on your own how much protein is enough for you. I would say that 100 grams per day is reasonable for your weight, considering that you want to put on weight, but it depends Eat nothing the last 3-4 hours before bed because your digestive system heals during the night Second of all eat very regularly and wait at least 5-6 hours in between meals and eat absolutely nothing in this time as your digestive system goes thru stages and snacking disrupts the whole thing. I suggest not eating more than 3 times a day, the middle meal being the bigger one and the other too reasonable, but satisfying. So plenty of plant based protein and healthy fats (olive oil, avocado etc) In order for your muscles to grow you need to do sports or work out, but only whole body exercises/ sports, as they use your body as.. a whole, and your body will be more harmonious. Don't do too much cardio training because it will not help you gain weight. Drink plenty of water especially on an empty stomach. Drink one big glass when you wake up. Everything small detail counts if you want to take care of your body, and taking care of your body is very important if you want to reach a good weight Eat plenty of raw leafs, veggies and fruits. Also probiotics Another big thing is to eliminate the sources of stress in your life. There is always a big emotional component in all our physical issues Get lots and lots of sleep during the night How tall are you? Hope it helps. Good luck.
  4. Matei

    There is no reason to think that you should like or accept this, There is nothing bad or unspiritual in not accepting a situation. It feels shitty to be supported by your parents and that is normal I say just feel all that, even the part where you feel guilty about it From my experience all i can advise is that you just explore freely everything you feel about your situation, no matter how bad it is or what negative things come to mind. Hold nothing back and don't let anyone convince you that you 'should accept'. There is literally no force in this universe that will keep good things from you just because you didn't accept. For things to change you just have to do something. If the situation is too sticky and you can't do much then do the smallest thing that resembles independence. Also consider sacrificing things that you already have. Nothing bad can really happen even if you lose the support you have.. there will be new support waiting for you, i guarantee it
  5. @Garnet I like balance and i got the hint (from life) that it will give me the satisfaction i am looking for. I have been more on the extreme of low self esteem, while being told that i am a 'know it all', which has always been funny in a weird way, and frustrating because i just wanted to be more confident, which i am naturally, not arrogant, which is how it came out many times It has felt almost impossible to not have high expectations of others, and that has been because of the lack i felt. In my mind it was the only option really to have high expectations, but there was also a light side to the behavior. I don't want to believe that i was that person who loved others only to expect love back, but rather that i did that as a subconscious attempt to heal myself. Of course it didn't work and it is not really respectful of other people's individuality. On the other side of it, which is the side i trust, i just loved people for no reason Anyway, all of that is resolved for the first time, and now it is just the core feeling or need I don't know what i'm trying to say and i don't think i have questions really, though sometimes i try to look for the answers but i think i'm giving that up more every day
  6. @Eveslofl Thank you for your reply! Of course there was trauma but for me it is not something i think about intentionally, rather it pops up with whatever memory and the completion process works naturally, i simply dislike going in and doing it intentionally, even though it works, i just like rescuing the inner child in the present moment when i feel a certain thing. It all works perfectly, and now i am just finding new ways to live like this. I think that the challenge is being judged as weak for being sensitive, or in the best case being left behind for it. I will not pretend that being judged does not affect me.. i want it to affect me, i don't want to be a stone, though i can do that so well and act like i am the most confident person when i actually feel super mushy inside. Part of me just wants to push thru everything and not be affected like this, doing that by being rather insensitive and cruel. So either option means losing, and i do not know what the middle path is in this. I don't know much about it but the truth is that i see it as boring or unexciting. Then my mind thinks of everything at once and it is obvious that i cannot and will never mentally comprehend the path or the destiny that is playing out. So i decided not to decide, i decided to not keep circling hoping that this time around i find a crack in the circle. there is no crack in the circle. So i stopped. Not to say i do nothing, because i am about to 'do everything' in a sense, but i just can't think about things and try to figure out.. we cannot figure anything out and that feels freeing For example after i wrote the first post i started feeling incredibly optimistic and everything was clear, maybe it still is, i don't know. I think i am losing my mind but i wouldn't have it any other way
  7. @mufhry then i guess i would just like the warm season to be longer... You are right. I just don't really know why i am such a cry baby and why i get so attached. It's very intense to say the least. The concept that things come and go is beautiful to me, i appreciate it but i just don't know why i feel like i never get enough of what i need from people. It's fine anyway, i don't insist to understand, it's too exhausting The truth is that i would love to be one who accepts that things come and go but i am simply not. Maybe that is due to having spent most of my time alone for various reasons, so things went much more than they came, and that is just an objective observation. I want to pinpoint what all of this is but it's so blurry right now. Many times it is very clear and i feel amazing and incredibly optimistic. It probably has more to do with not liking this planet right now.. that's just a simple and clear observation of myself, i don't like this life. This is something i accept about myself and now i am looking for a new way to live my life There is one thing i have figured out though, which is that i run in circles, there are probably many of us, so i decided that i will not do that anymore. That makes me very confused but in a good way
  8. Hello everyone Just want to ask for some advice I would really love to hear some opinions from anyone who can relate to this in any way, or can understand. Thank you in advance if you take the time! For as long as i can remember i have felt starved of affection, sounds dramatic but i got so used to it and now i am finally getting a firm grasp that i am not here to suffer or constantly transform thru suffering, but i am here to live as fully as i can and i actually deserve love and deserve to enjoy a beautiful sunset on a beach on an island somewhere, with no care or worry or wound stinging. I feel really open now due to this self love practice that is finally working and it just makes me super emotional it is overwhelming, but that is okay. I am pretty calm and accepting everything in a way i never felt, and i would change nothing.. i used to be very stubborn and controlling about anything in my life but all that melted away leaving my need for healing exposed. So this is clear now. In about a month i will leave my home country, permanently this time, for a life of spontaneity, travel, constant movement and new experience. It is what i want most to do The challenge comes with not being satisfied with my experiences, and that is because of one feeling. Even though i have many passions, i don't feel like any activity i engage in can be enjoyed fully because i really would just love to know that the people i love, which i will inevitably find once again, will not go away. Maybe it sounds small but for me it is so painful to not have stable friendships. Basically all my most beautiful experiences, which always revolve around the deep connection i feel to people, are impregnated with the sharp feeling of the inevitable ending, a loss that i learned to accept but now it is time to act. I am not sure what that means I get very attached to people in all types of relationships, especially romantic, and i think that is just natural to me, i don't fight it one bit anymore. All i am trying to say is that i really need company. The self love practice took me to this place of understanding that i need people. I am swinging from one side to another.. on one side i feel like it will be okay and i will have everything i need, on the other i feel like i either expect the things i wish for or i am sad about not having it. I want to stop swinging like this because it really disrupts the peaceful feeling Does anyone have any idea about how i can go about it? Thank you so much for reading!
  9. Matei

    You are very welcome. Takes no time or effort for me to write a long post like that Yes, i get that it felt out of your control, but don't try to control it and instead relax.. then you will find the way in which you can actually have control, which is by cultivating an authentic relationship with the innocent part of you that holds the key to manifestation and keeps manifesting all this, and it wont let you touch that key until she trusts that you are on her side fully and you understand and validate what she is going thru. It all boils down to the splits and fragmentation. So pull all your parts in, by sinking into your body and letting yourself be like this At the same time there is another part that feels left behind every time you fall for someone and put them above yourself.. that is where the frustration with your own behavior comes from, it comes from abandoning yourself in wanting someone So balance wanting someone with wanting to be with yourself. At the same time balance the part of you that dislikes the constant falling in love with the part that wants lots of love. Balance it only by knowing that even though you can't please both at the same time, you can give both parts what they actually need, which is you validating, accepting and loving all the parts of you that are still separate Good luck to you
  10. Matei

    Mereu am fost multisori aici
  11. Matei

    It can only be romanian, unless there is a "j" at the end. Why do you ask? : )
  12. Matei

    Hi It's very understandable that it's painful to you. Being rejected is not something that we should try to like just because we are told that there are positives in it Look at it this way. Every time you feel that hurt you have an amazing opportunity to validate the part of you that feels maybe silly or naive for falling in love like that, by talking nicely to her and acknowledge that there is good reason that you act this way, hoping for that experience that you envisioned with that person. Maybe you feel things so intensely and you feel such a real connection to them because you are so aware of the divine within each person, but many times they might not be aware of that about themselves. Maybe it keeps being manifested for you just as the best learning ground, that teaches you that you will not be able enjoy someone else's approval, love, understanding, acceptance until you approve, understand, accept and love yourself thru this series of ongoing heartbreaks, even if you might have to go thru it alone, you will not be alone forever, you are not cursed or doomed.. you are just being shown the way to make the step of committing to yourself instead of waiting for others to rescue you Often the subconscious urge to be with someone is due to the longing we have for our own love and acceptance, which is also felt during the experience of someone loving and accepting us. Our society has been twisted and corrupted enough that we ended up believing that true love is a kind of fairy tale scenario where someone rescues someone else and loves them forever, when in fact that does not work long term and even in short term it creates lots of anxiety because we basically hold ourselves hostage to the other person's ability to love and accept us. That kind of Romeo and Juliet love is not real love, only the ecstasy of an attached kind or romance. I wont pretend like i know what real love is, but it is not that for sure, it hurt too much to be love, it was only me trying to escape. I imagine that real love is between two people who can be truly strong in their own individuality, thus accepting that they need another, but from a space of allowing and surrender, not anxious attachment. I have no proof for that yet, but i decided that i will trust in this intuition Don't waste any time thinking about why they did this or not did that, because any moment spent thinking about that is a moment where you are not fully in your body, feeling this and letting it ignite the inspiration it was meant to ignite. This is manifesting only to give you a chance to surrender to these feelings that are being triggered by the pattern. The best way you can allow yourself to feel this fully, at your own pace and as slow as you need in order to feel safe, is to learn to be soft with yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt, don't judge yourself for being naive, because the part that might act naive is only trying to express the innocence that others have stepped on in the past... maybe that is why she expressed the innocence in a childish way, falling in love so effortlessly Also maybe there is also also alternative C. which is that maybe the person is on such a different path that it made no sense to be with you/ it just didn't happen because their inertia was in a a completely different direction. Or maybe they did run away, who knows. You say that this happens again and again... then don't add to the pain of rejection by rejecting the feelings you have or rejecting yourself for being 'not good enough for them' If indeed you are not ready for a relationship then maybe take it easy and take things slower when you find someone who you are attracted to. We often leave ourselves behind running for someone else Hope it helps
  13. Matei

    No sister. This is not real life
  14. Matei

    In real life i would tell Laura all that i wrote initially. In real life you would most probably not tell me what you felt the urge to write to me above, implying so much in such a short sentence, in such a passive aggressive manner. I did not write you those things, nor did i initiate a conversation with you Instead of trying to protect her from the harm i was apparently trying to inflict, maybe tell her what you advise her to do or how to go about the situation I don't know what you think about this profile who you know since the old tribe, but the person behind this profile went thru fucking fire and is not even close to being what i was before. But you seem to know what my intentions are so well, since you know i intended to put a nail into her head Since i replied to your unnecessary comment, which i initially was not going to do, i will also say that when people are in such a state as the one described by Laura, they are inbetween and do not make decisions. I told her what i told her, again, from vast experience, and even though i did not go thru exactly what she is going thru, i still relate to the state very closely. Life's lessons are hard when we sit on our asses, but there is also much compassion for us humans, that is why my post looks like broken glass covered with rose petals. It looks that way to you. Let me ask you. Why do you feel the need to protect her from me? What do you think about men? i don't want to hear the answer because it is none of my business what you believe and do, but maybe answer to yourself Stop trying to take things down and instead offer what you have to give to a thread. Or do the opposite, your choice. You cannot really know if my post will help her or not, you cannot really know what she will get from it or not. But you think you know, there is a word for that but insulting is not something i prefer to do anymore. Let her decide if my post helps or not, don't try to decide for her Don't let me stop you, You are free to keep doing what you do when you feel like someone is giving negative advice, or whatever your thing is. I would only ask you to consider that you act here only how you would act in real life. If you can look into the person's eyes and say some of the things i see you writing here, then great. If you would not be bold enough in real life then don't do it here either. That is what i learned about online social settings and i recommend it to anyone
  15. Matei

    Maybe. But i meant no harm and most probably i was just talking to my past self or some subconscious thing like that. So given that i meant no harm, i will say that even harm can prove to be beneficial in the long run. Yet i cannot help but notice that big harm is done often more subtly, In a way it is the same issue with Teal having told the suicidal person to decide if they want to commit to life or to death, after which the person has committed suicide. Some say it is Teal's fault, but how can it really be when Teal only shun a light on the indecision of the person, and made it more obvious to them that their self hatred was deeply rooted enough that they would have killed themselves anyway. In that case it was the self denial that killed the person, that is only an observation Thank you for the reflection