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  1. It's so refreshing to see that other people experience this, in their own way. The best thing to do, for me, has been, and still is, to keep the desires and dreams alive. I can relate very well to what you say This society is kinda set up to make it really hard for people like us who have big dreams, constantly getting told to settle and be grateful for what you have, to not be idealistic and all that bs. Yes, it's very important to be fully grounded, but it is just as important to not let anything take your hope of something really beautiful away from you. For me the thing that gives me the strength i need to keep going is not allowing any belief or external energy or force or wave etc to touch my hopes and dreams, my desire for fulfillment and connection So my advice is to move forward with all that you desire most and go for it with the purest intentions and calm actions, because no matter how discouraging and dark things get, you can't be stopped. Make jokes about these things you experience so intensely and deeply, never let it get too serious.. that is what i learned Good luck to you and keep on imagining ; )
  2. Of course it only scratches the surface, what else could i scratch in a post? I didn't say i was not happy though, i am happy in a way that i never imagined before. And yes, the pain reached and passed the 'peak' and that adds to the good feelings of hope That is what bugs me a bit, that when i open about these things it will seem like i am depressed, unhappy or dissatisfied, when in reality i am so happy that now i know what i want. I wanted to write my experience here, so i did.. i want human connection, that i was lucky enough to taste, and i open myself for it I don't really get why you brought up what i wrote on the old forum. It's nice that you remember though, i remember almost nothing of what i wrote, but from what i remember you are right in what you say about it, at the time i was in a lot of pain and so desensitized and i used to hurt myself a lot, it's just that it feels like it has been years, because soo much simply happened so fast in such a short amount of time. This is why i like when people know nothing about me, then they can take me as i am, but it's okay The help i say i want is more a support that doesn't go away and doesn't condemn me for the things inside. Some people tell me that i am idealistic and honestly i think that is cute and a bit sad that they think that in response to what i feel and think, but i just have beautiful visions of heaven on Earth and instead of denying then in order to be grounded, life guided me to find a way to ground myself without letting the visions and desires go. In a way that is what created the moments of agitation i describe Well, i kinda got my answer, from your replies, so that is good It's just that i feel so much, so intensely and i am becoming more sensitive, like when i was a child, and i express myself freely. I am not unhappy, i just want what everyone wants in their own way, to be seen , to be accepted and to be appreciated as they are. One could argue that is only because i don't accept myself and that might be true, i see it differently, i just see it as 'people need people', and i hold certain criteria for allowing people to get close to me, because i see the pains in people that make them bite and bark, or point the finger, or simply walk away. The reason i started writing here is because, well because it is a good place for it as far as i know, and also because there are moments when i feel alone and i just desire to be listened to by conscious people, that has always helped me to love myself more Thank you for taking the time
  3. Yes, i think i will have to push the reset button, that is part of why i will leave next year and really go into the unknown with really nothing certain Also yes, running from myself got me here very much and i could run away from nothing, it is a pattern so i don't really try to run anymore I have been honest with myself, about all the things inside of me or as much as i am conscious of. Part of me wants to keep using power to my own advantage whenever i can, because i am so afraid and getting power feels a bit safer, i see how stupid it is, there is also a lot of anger in it, and i know this and other similar things create situations and experiences in my life that feel very painful to me. Part of the anger comes from feeling like it is unfair that i simply get things taken from me in order for me to learn/purify, in a way it feels like it is not love. Maybe this is more honest than me saying that God loves me unconditionally, because i can't really see that, but i focus my energy as much as i can to see it more clearly because i feel a strong intuition that it is true, i feel very much like it is the place i come from. So i wont say that the Universe is not loving There is a lot to it, but i try to keep it simple. I feel very much that i want power, and instead of trying to suppress it and letting it ferment into something negative based in manipulation and external control, i want to trust that it can also be positive and divinely guided. So i want power, thru health, material possession, loving connections to people, sex, positive synchronicity in my life. I really desire all that but i don't want to try to manipulate my way to any of it like i have, and i feel like trusting and going with the flow is so painful and there is no end in sight. Now i am just trying to be honest, couse you reminded me of that, and i see how all this sounds, but they are parts of me and i am tired of... of two things actually, one is that i am tired of pushing myself to be more evolved, and the other thing i am tired of is never really getting in return the things that would harmonize my life and create a feeling of safety and stability in which i can heal. But of course of i would get all that i would probably use it to my advantage and stagnate. But then am i cursed to be like this? is it from past lives? i really don't understand a lot about myself
  4. Experience showed me that being so honest about what is inside me can hurt so much, because sometimes people judge, and to be perfectly honest it hurts me to be judged. Actually i am scared shitless that when i share my feelings, in an appropriate setting, i will be told that i am being negative and am bringing people down with the weight of my emotions. That has happened in conscious circles and with very close people, it is kind of traumatizing that it keeps repeating... anyway There is just nothing else i know to do right now to help myself other than writing here and asking for some kind of support here, it's the same feeling i had two and a half years ago when i joined the old tealtribe. I will explain what i have been going thru and what my situation is as succinctly as i can I am in between breakdowns of crying uncontrollably, rushes of sheer rage, and timeless moments of a sense of being-ness that feels peaceful beyond words. Maybe i shouldn't talk about the past, i don't know. It's just that so much happened in the past three years and there is no break, i don't want one anymore. The things i have been afraid of most have happened and i have learned, grown, processed, became conscious of, and healed soo much. I am very happy for that and even though i do not want all my problems, shadows, pains to go away and my life to become instantly amazing, there is still a big pain that is growing by the moment, or coming up and i can barely stand it physically. That pain is of feeling like i have such little support and love from other people. Whatever i do, no matter how much i focus to follow my joy, love myself, be the change i want to see, become conscious of myself, let go of expectation etc.. i still feel like i am that little child that feels so abandoned and betrayed. There is no way i can contain that feeling any longer. I feel so loving towards that inner child and i don't want to abandon my pain ever again, i just want to know how can i continue to heal when i have nobody who can be next to me and support me. Shortly what happened is that a few years back i started to become conscious of what is inside me, my soul journey, my purpose here and also all my traumas that used to create chaos in my life. Then i realized that... well that love is the answer to all this and i got little tastes of it, either thru visions, psychedelic experiences, dreams and just life. All of it started to really meld and there have been a lot of breakthroughs. Recently a very intense relationship ended, basically all of it was an insanely intense soul initiation for me, mainly thru losing the love and intimate space between me and this person i feel like i have an important soul connection to, a person who i see God in clearer than in anyone else i have ever met. I am doing my best to move on and to be independent but in my current situation that is not an easy process to go thru. I just really feel like i need intimacy and caring between two people. I don't know how to be independent when there is this intense feeling of needing someone. I don't want to escape in this way, i really really don't, i just want to heal and i simply feel so alone and i don't understand these emotions, i don't know what is good for me to do or how to go about things, i really don't know what direction to go in right now. All i know right now is that i want to go on a juice and salad fast for as long as i can and meditate on detaching from the mind's compulsive behaviors, to really dive deep. It is so hard to do that with no support, and my reaction to that feeling creates a bit of emotional chaos Next spring i will travel, and this time i wont come back, i simply cannot keep myself stuck in this city anymore. I just really don't know how i can survive this winter... maybe i wont, maybe i am just meant to be in a constant scorpionic death with no end in sight. Even though i have experienced ego death almost constantly in my life, this time it seems to be the big one and i am so scared Does anyone have any piece of advice that comes from personal experience? Feel free to write anything you feel in response, and share anything you feel like sharing Thank you for taking the time to read
  5. Chapter one For years i had been haunted by the thought of losing the pure sense of being-ness i felt as a small child, when i would look up at the stars and moon and my heart would burst with joy and wonder, a loving sense of spaciousness that included everything and is limitless beyond comprehension, beyond time, beyond thought. I always knew that it was the way, and the path to freedom, but soon enough it was experienced as a memory, that faded more and more into the distance to my sheer desperation, leaving me cold and hard like a stone, surrounded by the darkness of my own fear and anger, a resentment that tastes so bitter and cripples hearts It was never gone though, it could never be a memory because it created time itself. I remember, when i was playing outside in the grass and i felt darkness surrounding me, sucking me into a realm of desperation and hopelessness, many many years ago... i did not fight it, there was nothing to fight, just another thing happening. After thousands of dark nights, terror and shame, i knew i had to get out somehow, otherwise i would get lost for a very long time. I cannot describe how vivid and palpable that feeling was. So i started fighting, searching, long adventures in my dreams and realms so abstract... all in the name of love and truth. I saw them, the ones who had been behind me, scaring me. i was now looking at them and i started to realize what my own beliefs and habits have created. I was walking this path alone and everything inside me was being triggered so much, triggered to let it out, to say the words, but i didn't and i kept searching in silence, until the day came when i had to say it, i had to decide that there is nothing to lose if i put myself in the most vulnerable position. And i wanted to. I wanted to believe in something that was so beautiful and pure, i believed it regardless, it was my most clever attempt to get back home, to the place i felt like i was forcefully taken from, with no warning. It did not work... because i had never left the place i thought i was taken from, the bubble of my own fear kept me blind and sure enough the bubble popped. Pain can be such a beautiful thing. In that moment i felt so happy, but the kind of happy you feel when you finish a long hard day of work and you are happy that now you can rest, that there is nothing to do anymore. I am so happy that i can feel whatever, i can be whatever,, i don't know how to describe it, like we are so vast and so mysterious, like there is so much space and so much love. This is only the beginning, and i am so happy that for the first time i feel like the nightmare is over, for the first time i feel like i am okay and my life is okay as it is. Pain broke the walls that kept me in bondage I only really write all this because i want to tell anyone who is reading, or needs to know this, that there is nothing that can harm you, not even in your darkest fears, and as uncomfortable as it may seem, we can not escape the darkest aspects of ourselves, it is the only way to free ourselves. I was so afraid and so stubborn to face it, but i wanted to be free. Not everyone is meant to face it, and that is destiny, but all i really want to share is that each of us is indestructible, the fire can only burn away what is not our true self, and the true self is beautiful beyond words, we are the stars we see in the sky, that is the wisdom of the innocent heart May you be blessed!
  6. Imagine what would happen if you would let the thoughts be as fast, chaotic, intense or ugly as they may be and do nothing about it. Imagine if that would not move you one inch. It is natural what you are experiencing, there are many challenges when you start to use your mind consciously like you do. Don't let yourself be moved by any thought that comes thru your mind I think i experienced something similar, maybe. After 'floating around in space' for a few years as i became more conscious, i started to come back to my body and mind, to my amazement my body still had the cells infused with trauma and my mind had limiting beliefs active. After that it took around 2 years to really let go of the belief that it is wrong to be so Don't worry, you are on the right track, whether you see it or not, allow yourself to say to yourself how you feel about this disappointing phase... that will help dissolve the contraction with which you react to this happening ; ) Dissolving the mind? why would you want your creation machine to dissolve. Imagine how much you can create with it. You, like everyone eventually, will be able to instantly create a new belief whenever it is needed, for example "having loud and uncontrollable thoughts means nothing about me or how evolved i am, it is only a sign of my highest evolution unfolding in the most miraculous way" Play with that thought If you want to share more i would love to talk to you Yes, it is true, being in the head space is not the best thing. But imagine if you allow yourself to be there and instead bring that space more towards your center. Do that with conviction and nothing will stand in your way, then you will feel the dissolving that you long for, then we dissolve in the heart space where nothing is judged, not even a mind that has horrible thoughts Let me give you an idea and you can play with it if you want. Sit in a quiet place and listen to your thoughts, i am not saying to observe them, but instead really listen to them, feel into the space they come from. Maybe the thoughts will start moving towards frustration, or trying to ridicule you for your attempt, anything might happen with them.. you just feel into the space they come from. To focus the determination to do that you need to breathe deeply and relax your muscles as much as possible, let your eyes defocus. Listen to the thoughts and if any one of them trigger you just focus on breathing and relaxing any muscle that might contract. But do not try to detach from any thought or try to assert that you are not the thought. Let happen even the thoughts that say "i am thinking this thing". What can a thought really do to you anyway? create an image, a sound... if you really think about it a thought can't do much to you. So leave them be and feel into your body The more you react to your mind the more energy you throw out the window, that is the energy you can gather to think powerful and focused thoughts In the 'meditation' i just described focus on gathering energy thru breath and give none of it away, circle it in your body until you have enough of it (give it some time) to think one powerful, empowering, and purely positive thought. For example "The process i am going thru, as tricky and challenging as it may seem, is only the greatest lesson right now, to lead me on the way to real spiritual and mental power that i desire in my life. I now declare that nothing that happens within me is a setback, it is only a clear sign that my true self is coming forth, longing to express truth thru the person i have been put here to be" say it out loud with confidence. I promise you that if you think something like that with enough power behind it, it will sound like thunder in your mind and any mental noise will be reduced to silence in a fraction of a second. Then the thoughts might start again, and you repeat the process with more and more powerful declarations/ thoughts. As you practice this also focus on the feeling of confidence and stability that this will create and feed that feeling thru more powerful thoughts. Be aware that the mind is powerful and things will happen that might trigger you or disappoint you, but let none of that touch you, instead stand straight and declare that there is nothing wrong with it I will emphasize this.. you can only do that if you breathe deeply in a relaxed manner, inhale deeply thru your nose and push the breath out long but with no contraction in your body. Find the rithm that is best in any given moment. Hope this helps Good luck
  7. @AquarianThank you for the advice. Everything is clear about that, i have talked to her and there is nothing to say anymore.. so it is closed. The reasons for the breakdown i had when i wrote the post are diverse @Jacquee Thank you for your honest post. the backlash for my way of expressing doesn't really touch me anymore, as long as i don't burden anyone with my feelings, which i don't do. I did let myself crumble and now, inside me, there is the most stable feeling of safety i ever felt, because i lost the things i put all my hopes in @Garnet Hello : ) i remember you too. Actually i was hoping you would respond too when i wrote it because i remember you had very god common sense. I only said i don't want advice because i know how spiritual people can get very intellectual. Thank you for being, it is better than advice for sure It feels weird reading the post again. Now i am realizing that i purged a big chunk of trauma in a matter of hours and it was so incredibly scary, like diving into the scariest scenario i could ever imagine. It's weird, i don't feel much pain anymore and i am pretty sure that i am not suppressing it.. i just don't get how i can not feel it anymore, i mean when i think about all of it it's very neutral and there is a constant feeling of trust unlike i have experienced in the past.. before it was trust mixed with fear of the thing i was trusting, i ddon't know Right now i feel a lot of space to be who i am and i don't really care anymore that i lost the thing i valued most... every time i think about my desires and dreams i just see them getting fulfilled and i feel so happy that i can feel freely even that pain I am still unsure about what happened inside me but it was pretty humbling i would say. Probably in the next few weeks i will figure out more. Anyway The most ironic thing is that the freedom and energy i feel now is exactly what i asked for, i wanted it very much, to be free, but i did not know what it takes. Things are very clear and now i know how to experience this destiny with ease. MY intuitions also cleared up with this experience and i see that even if things probably wont become easy and nice, i can navigate with joy because i no longer put my hope and my happiness in anyone else's hands. I knew for a long time that i had to face this, i knew it very well, but i was so scared that i couldn't even attempt to face it earlier, my body would just cringe if i tried. Now my body feels relaxed and i feel very selfless and empty but at the same time full of joy and love. The experience i was having when i wrote the post was way more intense than it sounds and i am starting to believe that, in a way that is why i am here, to express this, whenever i do, in real life people are amazed that i can go to those places, even just verbally I liked TT before.. this is not as fun but i am willing to give it a try
  8. I can't take it anymore The title is what it is, i simply can't anymore, and now i am back here where it all started in a way, two and a half years ago, on tealtribe I met the person i thought was my soul mate and maybe is and we had an intense ride and travelled, and now she is pregnant and with someone else. Today my only friend told me that he can't stand my heavy emotions and needs a break, i don't want to see him again. Just everything i was ever afraid of happened and i don't know how to love myself, i focus so much energy and attention on myself and i will keep doing it better and better but it doesn't do much, i just always craved affection and i have always been alone Today i broke down and i am crying constantly. i can't control it I don't have a place that i can call home and that is even relatively pleasant. I can't leave and don't know where i would even go. All i want is to be loved and all my huge efforts of evolving, healing, and growing, even though they shaped me into a better version of myself did not change the sad reality of my life I know i say "I" a lot, i know i say limiting things right now. I just don't get why all this is happening. For a long time there has been so much meaning and now i am literally crippled with pain, my bones hurt and i cannot eat. I need to leave this place but it is winter and i don't even have everything i need to travel It really feels like only my parents love me. i am crying so much that i can barely write Maybe this will sound bad but i am a pretty strong, confident and... i guess evolved being, but right now i can't even relate to that for a second because i am losing everything Yes i know i need it and it is freeing me completely as we speak, i know that very well, always, but i simply can't stand the pain, the discomfort, the feeling of lack of love I am not waiting for any advice, i just simply don't know what else to do In the past i have been at the bottom many times but i never wanted to die. Now, even though i am not suicidal, i feel for the first time that i want to die, or disappear, or just be on another planet, or just be embraced by Love I always kinda took pride in how much i overcame pain but i have never felt anything like this, i have never cried constantly like this and i am just in my room, alone like when i was a child and it just hurts so deeply It's all collapsing and i know it very well, this is the ultimate death and i am scared shitless, literally like when i was 3-4 and i was scared. I just wish that someone, at least one fucking person would be there for me without leaving, really unconditionally. I love myself and usually i handle pain very very wel but now it doesn't work anymore and i need someone It's all i ever wanted, Love and i have never been so scared of losing love in my entire life I know i am weak but it feels so unfair to have such a destiny i was never taught things, i always had to learn by myself and i just don;t want to be here anymore I don't know how to be strong and how to overcome this, i just want to be in a safe and quiet place and just cry all day