Practicing is so hard.
I'm still ashamed of crying in front of people, and I know better than to be ashamed, but whew that stuff still sticks.
I do cry often, like everyday.
Sometimes it just is embarrassing because it's just something small but precious that I see or hear and I can't contain how touched I am.
Yeah, I'm lonely. But that doesn't cover it.
How does any of this relate to what you wrote? I'm bothered that I'm not practicing everything you teach at once. And I know better than to try perfection too-the nothing/perfection game.
But again, this stuff still sticks.
I've been thinking a lot about the 'hurt me' vs the 'angry me', so in a way, I'm doing it.
But I'm not *practicing* anything.
All of your videos, your books, your blog. I'm endlessly hungry for every insight, and suggested practice, but I feel the sting of imagined exasperation in you, if we were to be face to face: "Stop studying, and start practicing, Olivia".
I'm just going through the same questioning over and over.
Maybe that's something. But I'm "onto" me.
I know she is a slacker-well, that's some childhood trauma, but whatever.
I love you for your repeated wisdom and love.
I want to be better.