Florian89

I would advise myself to calm down. Much of the perceived danger in this situation is actually merely in my head.

I'm not doing my work, because I've no one to pay for it and no one noticing it right now, even though it's important.

Asking professors to support my work financially. Because of shame and fear, they wouldn't or can't.

The pain of being alone. The pain of not really living. The pain of self-hate. The pain of nostalgia. The pain of loss. The pain of failure. The pain of being abused.

Myself

university

I notice, when people are dishonest. I notice, when they are authentic. I notice when people are unreasonable/ irresponsible. I notice, when they are reasonable/ responsible.

That I can control people by reason and evidence.

I want them to be impressed by my knowledge & abilities.

Writing my master thesis.

Reasoning I guess.

Being loved.... Wow, sounds so stupid. What has this to do with success at all? I mean, I see how having a wife is a sign of success (success in the realm of dating), but how is being loved by itself a sign of success or lack thereof? If this is my subconscious definition of success, then we've got a problem. It makes my success depending on other people, in this case on a specific stupid person.

There aren't many vacant jobs in the field, I'm looking for. I will probably don't get a job, since it's highly competitive and I didn't get a 1,0 as a grade. And the other thing I cannot accept fully, is that I don't have an alternative. That's the career for me. Either that or nothing.

Make others responsible for what they did.

I envy some of my former collegues, who weren't as good as I, yet still advanced their careers, while I was waiting for love and wasted incredibly amounts of money, time, as well as a good portion of my health. I ve harmed myself for someone. That person didn't bother enough to stop it. Now, I m f*d. Well, that's really unfair. I envy those people, who didn't had to struggle like I did. Teal says, you gotta be willing to struggle. I envy those, who didn't struggle like I had to. EDIT: Forgot the second part as well. So, what can I do. Pretty much concentrating on gettig my career going no