Sun Star

I envy people who have a stable home, family/friends/community that care about them, support them and are physically present in their lives. People who feel loved, adored, who can feel good in relationships. People who have financial resources enough to meet their needs and support their desires/goals/interests. People who have committed partnerships that are compatible and intimate. People who feel that they have what they need to accept and take in the challenges in their lives. People who feel good and are healthy in their body. I envy all these things/people because I feel that these things are so far from where I am in life, and because I feel very much like I am alone in life and don't really have anyone to lean on. I'll need to think about how I can bring these things into my own life.

Feeling broken. I try so hard because the idea that I am broken, that there is something wrong with me no matter what I do, or don't, is extremely painful. I got the message that there was something wrong with me constantly growing up, and I still get that reflection from time to time and I got it stuck in my habitual thinking that I need to be better, different than I am to have a semblance of acceptance, which actually is more like tolerance, not acceptance or inclusion. I am constantly wanting to be seen as good enough, as okay, as at least putting effort towards improving. I really appreciate this space to answer these questions, it's assisting me in gaining a lot of clarity.

Trying to heal from trauma. I feel like I should, because if I don't nothing in my life will change. The sad thing is, it almost seems like going after healing from a place of should is exactly when I started feeling more alone and more in pain, and attracting even more painful experiences. Maybe what I have been thinking I should do, is the opposite of what is best for me to do...hmm. I am going to sit with that a bit now

I would wish to be surrounded by loving, compatible and supportive people because I really need my people, my life is truly too challenging for my to handle entirely on my own and it would be healing for me to have that because it's the exact opposite of so much of my life. I also sometimes think that magic, miracles, or genie wishes may be the only things that can help me make it happen in my life as sad as I feel to admit that. After years of slowly dipping my feet in, and then jumping head first into connections, I'm afraid that I don't really know how to "have" the loving relationships, the support and connection that I really need.

I don’t want others to know that I am constantly questioning myself because I’m terrified of admitting to what I really want. I ask for direction from outside sources(blind spot oracle deck, guides, numerology, symbolic posts, this website, etc.) all the time because I’m convinced that making my own choices will result in me being alone and isolated, but I feel that way a lot anyway. When I think that I want or like something I question whether it’s true. I don’t want people to know that I am so afraid and second guessing myself all the time.