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mschwab

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About mschwab

  • Birthday 08/26/1998

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  1. mschwab

    Shadow House 2014

    can someone tell me what he says at 13:23? its very fast and mumbled I can't decipher it
  2. mschwab

    45

    Not what I thought I would answer, but the word that just popped into my mind was “courage”. Not sure if I’d say definitively it’s my top value of all time but I think it’s the one I need most right now. If we don’t have courage we can’t do anything, can we?
  3. mschwab

    35

    confusion, not knowing how to rectify all the years i’ve spent in pain. it almost feels like a disservice to myself to be happy because if being happy was so easy, what was all that suffering for? i can’t let it be easy because that means that life doesn’t make sense. it means that the suffering has no purpose, or worse, that i chose it. i’m also scared that if i get to the state where it does all make sense, that it will be this sort of ended-ness and life will lose all excitement, i don’t want to be some enlightened being, i’m only 22 i’m too young to have figured out this much. i want to have normal 22 year old problems, not “figure out the meaning of existence” problems. it’s like i can’t be happy because then my past and life itself won’t make sense, and if life makes sense then i’m fucked because i know i’ll just desire more expansion and so i’ll force myself to suffer in ways that are even bigger. i just want to back it up and undo all these questions and fears, i want to unthink the thoughts that got me here. i went too far down the wrong hole. i need to back it the fuck up.
  4. mschwab

    84

    my will to keep going and to find out more
  5. mschwab

    2

    connection, clarity, and purpose
  6. mschwab

    Total BS

    is this an old video? cuz she said she’s never talked about forgiveness but as far as i remember she does have a video on forgiveness
  7. mschwab

    Dreams and Purpose

    I don’t remember my dreams often, but one dream that I think about s lot happened a while ago. So I am deathly afraid of cockroaches (they are my shadow animal lol) and sometimes I’ll get “roach dreams” when I’m stressed. Well in this one dream I had encountered this roach, and it was the typical thing of trying to find it so I could kill it but it disappeared (what I hate most about them is that they’re always disappearing) and so I was stressed out. I was with my family and everyone was calm but I was the only one freaking out. I told my mom I had to find it and kill it and she turned to me and said, “you know it’s just an animal.” And then I woke up. And that might not seem like much in terms of symbolism but that phrase “you know it’s just an animal” plays in my head now every time I see a roach, and I feel like it mirrors all of the parts I am scared of within myself, sometimes I feel like I have these secret hidden monstrous and grotesque parts of me, but then I remind myself that I am just an animal. I’m not sure how that exactly connects to my purpose but it just felt like a significant dream.
  8. mschwab

    Childhood Story

    it’s funny that you mentioned the little mermaid bc i was also obsessed with the little mermaid for all the reasons you mentioned..... and also anastasia. and HERCULES.... omg. what do all those have in common? protagonists who feel like they’re living the wrong life. anastasia was actually a princess but was raised in poverty and forgot her past. hercules was literally stolen from mount olympus (in the disney version). ariel of course always felt like she belonged on land. this all makes so much sense to me now.... especially because i literally just finished a parts work/cp session dealing with a birth trauma where half of me wanted to stay in the womb and half of me wanted to get out as fast as possible so that i could grow up and get away and go find the life i was meant to live (this part of me literally felt like it had been incarnated into the wrong mother). as for the purpose part.... i have to say i don’t remember the plot of anastasia that well, but i’m definitely going to re-watch it after this. but hercules felt like he had to prove himself and save the world in order to get his belonging, when in the end it wasn’t his epic heroic efforts that got him belonging, it was his “act of true love“ (saving meg).... feel like that definitely applies to me as well but i’m not quite sure how yet, i’ll have to watch that one again too. ariel gave up her voice to belong.... which is quite literally true for me as i gave up my desire to sing as i got older in order to fit in and also was super quiet and shy for a long time. in the end she gets to have her voice back and still stay where she belongs, which is good news for me i guess lol. this is super cool!
  9. mschwab

    New York Workshop 2019 - 1/2

    "I realized it didn't matter, whether someone knew what it felt like to do the things I did or go through the things I went through, as long as they were holding me now." .... Damn, that really hit me. Had to pause just to cry and let that sink in. That's what I'm missing.... not someone with the same experiences as me or someone who automatically understands me. Just someone who's willing to try to understand and who can still hold me even when they don't. Powerful.
  10. mschwab

    New York Workshop 2019 - 1/2

    Tried to participate in the beginning exercise solo.... I feel like the thing I have the most resistance towards that people say about me is actually positive things... I HATE when people say I'm "hard working" because I just feel like it's such a lie. When people say that about me I feel like they don't really know me, or like I've fooled them into thinking I'm a good "hard working" person when I'm not. I feel like a kid who's just had to lie to my dad about doing my homework again, and like he's congratulated me and said he's proud of me and I feel super guilty. I feel like a terrible deceptive person. Even if it was true and I was a hard-working person I feel like that would be worse because it would mean that I should have it together and know what I'm doing and I don't, it would mean that there's something wrong with me that I can work so fucking hard and still be so fucking miserable. The resistance feels like a tightness in my chest. It's the feeling that it is impossible for my pain to ever make any sense or for anyone to ever understand me. As for the beginning meditation.... The pain I felt was like a sharp pokey static-y blindfold inside my head that made it impossible for me to see anything or look anywhere. The thing that it connected me to was actually everyone in my life - specifically all of the "unawakened" /unconscious people in my life. I realized I did not want to move forward with my awareness because I did not want to go somewhere they can't go. But they told me to take my blindfold off and they gave me a rope, or rather revealed a rope, that connected all of us from heart to heart. The message was basically, "Even if we become distant, we can never not be connected. Where you go we will follow. It is inevitable. You are not walking the branch of truth alone." I saw how the rope also connected me to the people in my life who are awakened who have the capacity to be there for me and at the same place as me. I imagined myself walking down the street with this rope connecting my heart to everyone I saw. It was very stable, like a titanium-strength spider web. I realized that it doesn't matter how scary truth gets as long as you can feel that everyone is with you. Haven't even watched the actual workshop part yet! Might write more notes as I do, it feels helpful to share as I watch.... makes me feel more like I'm really there lol.
  11. I know I'm not the only one who feels resistance to this, but like, why is that? Why does it seem so utterly mortifying to text someone our of the blue with things you like about them? I feel gross imagining myself doing it. I've impulsively sent super vulnerable and loving messages to my friends before but it's always been received awkwardly and I end up regretting it. I wish I had the kind of relationships where vulnerability wasn't so alarming.
  12. mschwab

    The Truth About Triggers

    As someone who is in undergrad studying psychology, I LOVE seeing Teal go on these rants about everything that is wrong with mainstream psychology. Hearing my professors talk about things like "coping" and "reducing triggers" frustrates me to NO END. Luckily I do think a shift is happening more in the direction of healing, but it is a very SLOW shift. Even the "mindfulness" movement within mainstream psychology seems to be a lot of times about avoidance. (Like, just meditate and then you won't have to feel your emotions!) I'm constantly questioning whether I'm on the right path studying psychology.... Like I know what kind of healer and therapist I want to be, and I feel so much resistance to the mainstream approach. But at the same time, I know I want to be able to make a change WITHIN mainstream psychology, which means I have to be IN mainstream psychology in order to have the power to influence it in the way I want to..... it's frustrating and idk what the right answer is yet
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