confusion, not knowing how to rectify all the years i’ve spent in pain. it almost feels like a disservice to myself to be happy because if being happy was so easy, what was all that suffering for? i can’t let it be easy because that means that life doesn’t make sense. it means that the suffering has no purpose, or worse, that i chose it. i’m also scared that if i get to the state where it does all make sense, that it will be this sort of ended-ness and life will lose all excitement, i don’t want to be some enlightened being, i’m only 22 i’m too young to have figured out this much. i want to have normal 22 year old problems, not “figure out the meaning of existence” problems. it’s like i can’t be happy because then my past and life itself won’t make sense, and if life makes sense then i’m fucked because i know i’ll just desire more expansion and so i’ll force myself to suffer in ways that are even bigger. i just want to back it up and undo all these questions and fears, i want to unthink the thoughts that got me here. i went too far down the wrong hole. i need to back it the fuck up.