I know that we are all One. However, the Ghosts video has me feeling icky, sad, and very very confused.
Does this mean that the man I knew as my father stopped existing at death because hes no longer projecting that thought-form and he has rejoined source? I cannot fathom that. Because I have felt and spoken with him and there is a very real difference between that experience and talking to a guide. Sad now. I can't put into words how heartbroken and how pointless that makes me feel.
It is my intention that Teal sees this and provides clarity.
Completion Process Work 7/21/19:
I feel abandoned. I feel scared, alone, and unwanted.
I last felt this way yesterday after a fight with my partner - when I once again realized I was in a toxic relationship that is physically killing me.
I first felt this way as a baby, when I was born via c-section, and put directly into a basket. No touch. No flesh to flesh. I remember feeling scared, and unwanted because it wasn't joyous. The things doctors and nurses said - I felt them. From c-section, to basket and no flesh to flesh contact until 24 hours later once my adoptive parents came to take me home. But I was damaged, deprived, unwanted. I stayed so sick for the first 6 months. I couldn't understand. I couldn't feel their love. I was grieving. I just wanted to go back "home."
As I sat with this part of me, all I could do is cry. Confusion, neglect, coldness. Just sat with the emotion.
I went back to when I was ripped out and placed in a basket. I scooped up that little baby and pressed her against my skin. I told her, "You are so beautiful baby girl, so loved. Don't pay attention to what you've heard. You are so good. You have a purpose for being born here. You were not meant to be with the family that birthed you because this couple that is going to take you in wants you more than life itself - they have struggled for you."
And the tears came as the aspect of my infant self took the front and continued to release fear, shame, sadness, confusion.
I kept her pressed to my chest as I spoke to her. Her feelings stayed strong. The body got nauseous, head started pulsing. I asked her what did she need? She couldn't answer, so I stayed with her. She lay in my arms crying her lungs out.
At some point the body fell asleep. No integration today but I think we're making headway.
On a different note - I've been watching the Basal workshop. Powerful! Was particularly drawn to the exercise where we visualize and write down all of the things about our life that didn't turn out the way we wanted. Looking forward to being able to do this as there are so many things I've discovered just thinking it out that are holding me back from what I truly desire.
What I want most is a home, a place of safety that won't be taken away, filled with people who are authentic and loving. I imagine my house to be a white farm house on an acre of land where I can have as many animals as I can afford. It has a wrap around porch with a porch swing, rocking chairs, and hanging pot plants. There's a big oak tree in the front yard that shades the front of the house beautifully, a vegetable garden in the back, and a flower garden with a koi pond.
Yesterday I learned that I have been a teacher, and a spiritual teacher, in many "past" (or parallel) lives. This made so much sense.
As a little girl, I was obsessed with becoming a teacher. I setup class rooms. Always had a chalkboard. Knew how to maintain and average a gradebook. And my favirite thing to do was a trip to the Teacher Supply Store, which my father obliged. One of my most prized posessions was an overhead projector. I felt legit. And my friends enjoyed playing school with me, too. It seemed my future was set.
Then, sexual trauma happened. That little girl who had a zest for life, who knew who she was, where she was going, and what she was meant to do, deminished into a black hole, void of feeling anything but inadequate, broken, and hopeless.
That little girl rose from the ashes after years of cognitive behavior therapy, numerous breakdowns and bouts of agoraphobia. But the dream was played out. It no longer captivated her because instead of just rainbows, she now saw darkness. The school system is broken. And still feeling broken herself, what chance did she have of changing it? So she tried on different hats. But none of them fit, and none of them made her feel passionate.
I am that little girl. And it's okay to feel dispassionate. It's okay to realize a dream didn't come to fruition. It's okay to be afraid of going against the grain. And it's okay to change my mind. It's also okay to grieve the loss of the dream. I accept this aspect of myself and love it as part of me. We are going to get through this together and find our life spark again. ❤
Was reminded of something I used to do as a child - I used to guess how many seeds would be inside my green beans - tear them open and see if I was right and then eat them. My parents let me do this without fuss because of my accuracy. Was just reminded of this tonight as I am eating green beans for dinner. Decided to try it out again. Haven't gotten one correct, yet.
So tired today. I very much would like to be bundled under the covers resting my mind. Instead I am sitting infront of a computer waiting on a phone call as my anxiety increases. The reality is, if I don't work I don't have money. If I don't have money I don't have a roof over my head. I feel so trapped! I feel like I cannot get ahead. I feel like I don't know what I have to contribute as myself that is valuable enough that someone would pay for it and I can support myself. Bad day.
Thoughts? This is a peice of paper I keep coming back to time and time again after spending so many years in therapy and finally reaching a break through when I was able to identify what I was feeling and then process it according to what that emotion provides the energy to do. I'm finding so many correlations with what Teal teaches.
I am in the process of uncovering so many of the lies I've been told, or have grown to believe about myself, my place in this reality, and the way the world works. I am ripping up the floor boards and exposing all the monsters, calling them out by name and accepting them as a part of me. I am not good I am not bad. I am both and I am nothing. I am LOVE. And I cannot be contained.