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About Samasta

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  • Birthday 05/28/1998

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  1. Name: Samasta Question: It's hard for me to be present with my feelings. I'm not sure where i should start. Should i meet my needs or focus on being present? I understand that my question is not guaranteed to be answered: I understand that my question is not guaranteed to be answered
  2. Queasy hello. it's my third day of university and honestly i feel queasy. i feel almost nauseated and my throat gets sore when i think about attending lecutres. yeah. i feel so so bad about life in general right now. i just feel like this education system IS NOT for me. not at all. the university feels too big and i feel insignificant. i've attended three lectures so far and i've had these thoughts and feelings since the second one today was my third. i wish i had someone i could depend on who could depend on me too. i don't know i just don't want to spend my life like this i really don't. What they teach and how they teach in university isn't interesting at all. it's not even about whether it's interesting or not i just simply hate going. the thing is i have alwasy hated goind to school. i have no idea what'll happen if i drop out. which means i'll have to go back to nepal cause if i do drop out, i can't stay in Sydney with a student visa. And if i do, when i get to kathmandu, i'm not sure how everyone is going to react or what i'm going to do with life. i can't help but think that my parents will kick me out or disown me and i'd have no place to go and get stuck in that city. plus so many things. cause it was nevr an option for me to go to a liberal arts school (if i had to go to a school rather than not) but im studying businesss administration. it's just too much pressure. i feel like crying and i can't force myself to cry even though i do so badly. i know what i want. i want a sense of security and certainity. i want to know that everything will be alright.
  3. Read this... I have been staying in all day in this room which seems alien. I've felt this way before when I was sent away to a boarding school which was far away on a hill overlooking the city I used to live in. I've been engaging in Teal Swan's content virtually all the time if I'm not elsewhere, or even if I am, when I am, I just let the universe choose my message over and over and over again cause it doesn't satisfy me for some reason, and this restlessness is something I fail to notice or persist with it until I realize how many times I've refreshed the page. I arrived here in Sydney on the 9th of December, full of anticipation of feeling like now, finally I might have a chance to find my people, to feel like I might find a romantic partner despite my contradictory beliefs (like how could someone possibly like someone like me), shop online and mostly, to be able to finally meet/see/get a chance to interact with Teal. And now I find out that she is coming to Sydney right after my birthday, which is some days before her's. What I was inordinately (I can't emphasize how much) looking forward to was to be able to attend her workshop, and find people or maybe get a chance to talk to her, even if it's just for ten minutes, which would be enough, and then get a chance to connect with other people. I feel like nobody understands me (more like nobody would actually suggest something I would want to do which I might l have to do in order to live a life I want to live, but her). And I feel like she might. I'm just being authentic. I might be projecting or whatever you want to call it but seeing how other people go upstage and pour their feelings out and get resolution makes me feel hopeful (to some degree, in case I don't get picked). SO, after realizing that the workshop in Sydney isn't going to be a synchronization workshop, for which the minimum price is $85-ish( which I wouldn't have gotten but now that I think about it would be better than not being able to attend at all) but instead a FIFTH ELEMENT WORKSHOP for which the minimum price is $600 or something, I felt a familiar feeling which I can't describe, but I started to fantasize things (not in anyway harmful to me or others). Now I have $19 in my bank account but I will be getting money today which I'll need for paying rent and all that. A synchronization workshop will be held in Melbourne and I have fantasized about being teleported somehow, a ufo taking me there, a stranger inviting me, I can't even list them, can't remember them all(I'm a little crazy). I am running out of money, don't have a job, am picky about jobs, don't want to work at McDonald's or somewhere like that, haven't gotten a job where I thought I could manage to work enough to save, did a cleaning job for a week which is how long it took me to realize that my shoulders were hurting and had to feel the pain of ignoring it for the whole week for a whole day. I have asked my mom for money, she said "don't worry" but what she doesn't know is I don't care about eating as much as about other things. And I sure as hell can't ask them for money to attend a workshop. They'll get mad. If (I'm aware this might sound insane) it were certain that I would get enough money to buy the ticket, I would not eat anything for a whole week except for water. And I don't even know the skill of breatharianism, I would do it without thinking twice, that's how desperate I've become. CAUSE I DON'T SEE HOW I COULD POSSIBLY ATTRACT MONEY INTO MY LIFE. Don't get me wrong, I like to spend money. In fact, when I earned money from the cleaning job ($550), I bought some stuff without thinking twice and everyone who's aware of it, of the price of the stuff I bought (in case you're wondering what it is, it's a crystal elixir water bottle from which costs US$80 for one bottle, and I got three) thinks I'm crazy for spending money like that. Of course, they don't understand. I feel pathetic every once in a while. As a matter of fact, I don't even take the law of attraction too seriously. It feels like an effort to visualize sometimes. Like it's not going to get me anywhere cause I can't feel the feeling signature, LIKE I WOULD FEEL THE SAME IF I HAD SOME MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW, but I also know I wouldn't truthfully. I know I'm very impatient. And I can't help but think that I will have to return back to my humdrum life in Kathmandu, without meeting her and finding people to connect with (I'm aware a part of me is in resistance to it) and so on and so forth. So how do you attract money? Am I missing something? Am I being dramatic? I want to shed some tears but I can't cause I can only conceptualize of me crying. I want to cry but I just sit here, in this room wondering what step I could possibly take in this moment to raise my vibration enough. I feel like i'm being difficult on purpose, but I'm just being authentic (to the degree that I know myself). At this point, (again fantasizing), the only thing that would faze me if I somehow miraculously won the lottery (I bought two tickets the day before yesterday and didn't win duh) or if an angel or something appeared right in front of me here. Or if money somehow came to me. Who am I kidding?
  4. Something i want out here Hey everyone. do you feel like you belong? do you feel a connection in this community? i want to feel belonging and connection but i'm uncertain if i can get it. i feel like i am such a mess. do you have people who you feel like you can trust and will not leave you no matter what? even if you're crazy or something? what are some issues you are going through right now? how are you dealing with them? how do you spend your days? Is it easy for you to be present with yourself? Do you think you have come far from where you first started or do you feel something else? do you sometimes feel like you're the only one and feel desperately alone? i want connection and belonging but i am in resistance to those two needs cause parts of me feel like i can't get them or something. Actually i don't even know...I hate to say i don't know all the time and i think it could be a coping mechanism but fuckkkkkkkkk i hate how i feel like i make no sense sometimes. I don't understand a lot of things. I want to feel safe that's something i want for sure but...i don't like to speak a lot or express my self cause i feel like it gets me nowhere. always ends up in the same goddamn thing like it goes round and round. I'll stop
  5. i personally feel like i'm not yet ready to do the completion process. i say this becasue i get very impatient and restless and can't wait to get done with it. So i'm just confused as to where to start. when i try to do the cp there is always a part of me that feels like i can't get every step of it right or that i won't be able to do it correctly and that even if i do the situation won't change so i'm just feeling not well at all
  6. i feel like in this community we all have our own shadows to deal with in the first place so even if i do be open there isn;t much anypne can do so i'd rather not say anythhing at alland i don't even know what to do but i'm typing all this casue i'm trying to open up but then i don't even know why i'm trying to open up in the first place i feel like i can't think deep enough to find out the reasons why or maybe i don't want to think deep enough cause i think i'll go crazy or something my orientation week starts on the 19th of february and i don't know what college is going to be like and i don't really want to ask for money from my parents but i haven't found a proper job yet and i think a part of me does not even want to work in the first place and it comes down to i don't even know if i want to work or go to college i just want to stay in all the time but then i don't know what i'd do staying in i think i'm making things more complex than they are i feel like i'm making no sense
  7. i feel like if i feel the apathy, which i something i feel s lot, i won't move beyond cause it's been like this since a long time. I don't even know what to do i feel so stuck and helpless. i don't even know why i'm telling you guys all of these things i think you won't understand and i feel like i shouldn't say that but i'm just trying to be open i feel like we all have our pwn problems and we have to wprk on them by ourselves i just don't know
  8. I DON'T KNOW i moved into a new place yesterday. I finally have my own room and i don't have to bother about my roommate seeing and judging me if i cry cause now i don't have a roommate. before sleeping yesterday, i felt like i will never feel belonging i don't feel well because i don't know what i want and i feel like there is a chance i might feel out of place even in this community. i feel like i make no sense because i can't even explain how i feel cause i don't even know how i feel what i know is i don't feel very well and i wish i had someone
  9. i'm not from here but i'm currently living here in sydney
  10. LEARNING HOW TO FEEL Is expressing emotion a crucial part of learning how to feel? How do i express emotion when i don't feel any? Or is apathy itself an emotion? what do i express when i don't even feel motivated enough to express my emotions
  11. Now i'm getting ready
  12. Can't seem to get over an addiction. I'm 19. I don't even know how I'm feeling. I tried to stop the habit, but I just can't seem to. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I don't even know for sure if I want to stop. Every time I try, I get as far as a week not more, before relapsing. I've gone as far as a month but then stuff happened. I've realized one thing and that is prior to the action (of addiction) I totally forget that I'm trying to stop or I ignore it cause the urge is far too greater than the voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't do it. It's been over a year that I've tried to stop. At the beginning, I tried watching Teal's video regarding Addiction, and I thought I'd be able to stop but then I failed. I've watched it over and over again. I don't even know, I feel so bleak. Other times, I get so motivated to stop and feel like I will be able to maybe this time, I feel like maybe this time I will, but no. Every time I feel like this is it, this is the last time, I'm getting over it. Every time. It's been over a year that I've tried to stop.
  13. Sometimes, I just want to disappear. I just want to be forgotten. Cease to exist. Erased out of everyone's memory like I never really existed. Like I never really existed.
  14. makes me feel stupid when I don't understnad what has actually been written in some parts of the blog. Maybe because im young or just stupid overall
  15. I'm speechless.