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About GabijaCij

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  1. Intimacy is the primary ingredient of connection. Intimacy is about knowing yourself and being known by others for who you really are in all aspects of your life. It’s the bringing forth of the truth about who you are and being received while, at the same time, the other person brings forth the truth of who they are and is received for that. Intimacy is a meeting at the heart center, where empathy and understanding occur. Intimacy can be broken down into the three-word phrase “into me see.” First and foremost intimacy is to see into one another so as to deeply connect. Intimacy goes beyond just seeing someone though. Intimacy is seeing into, feeling into, listening into, perceiving and understanding someone. To have genuine intimacy with someone, we have to be willing to commit to becoming an expert on them. It is tempting to think that a person can do without intimacy. The truth is, they can’t. Without intimacy in childhood, we do not develop a sense of ourselves or a sense of our existence. We begin to feel as if we exist in a parallel reality. It is this parallel reality that is so deeply isolating and that causes us to feel like we are alone, no matter how many people might be around us. Most people only really become conscious of the isolation of parallel perceptual realities when they go through something like the death of a loved one. In intense experiences of grief, your world stops. You are in a reality of pain and terror about what could happen in the future and time moves differently. Meanwhile, everyone else is going about their lives. They are smiling, laughing, talking about their jobs or vacations. They are telling us to come with them to cheer up at the bar. They are in a totally different reality, even though technically our bodies are in the same place. The worst part is, they don’t even notice. They will not notice what conflicts with their own realty. I will never forget a time when I was at a public park. There was a girl on a park bench whose arms were bandaged from self-inflicted cuts. She was crying. People passed by her laughing and jogging and listening to their music in their headphones. Not one person noticed her or the state she was in. She might as well have been a ghost sitting on that bench. And all I could think to myself was, if these different realities can be upheld even if someone is cut up and crying, people who are less demonstrative have absolutely no hope. There is no parallel reality that imprisons a person quite like the one that is set up by abuse. Something that all survivors of sexual abuse and incest can attest to is that what will happen is the abuser will rape you or say something super emotionally abusive and then an hour later, they will ask you whether you want mayonnaise on your sandwich. They will act like it never occurred. It creates a double life; a parallel reality. In one, reality is torture and pain and danger and dad is the enemy. In the other, it is mundane, you go to school and you have thanksgiving dinner and dad is dad. The mundane life starts to feel like a total lie. It feels fake. It feels like a cover for “reality”. When you are at school or at thanksgiving dinner, it feels like you are in the matrix. Other people don’t know about the other reality, the one where dad is the enemy and where everything is dangerous and painful. And because this is your “reality”, it absorbs you and you belong to it and so they can’t see you or feel you. It feels as if people talk at you. It feels like you are just a ‘thing’ in their world and it feels like your inner world is trapped behind a one way mirror inside yourself. All they can perceive is your body. This is the real kind of parallel reality that we need to be concerned with in our lives here on earth. It is this kind of parallel reality that makes it so that people perceive themselves to be so alone with no hope of that changing that they commit suicide. The foundation of parallel realities between people is emotional invalidation. I highly suggest watching my video titled: The Emotional Wakeup Call if you haven’t seen it already to understand the role of emotions and relationships. This can happen in a home that is not considered abusive. To understand how emotional invalidation creates parallel realities, we have to go back to the beginning. I want you to imagine a little girl who is unhappy. She is in pain because her family had to move to a different town. She has no friends here. She is lonely. She is afraid of the harshness of this new place. She misses so many things about the old place. If she looks unhappy or acts unhappy, if her parents can’t create intimacy, the will respond in one of two ways. They will disapprove of her emotions, 2. They will dismiss or ignore her emotions The parent who disapproves of their child’s emotions is critical of their children’s displays of negative emotion and reprimand or punish for emotional expression. The parent, who dismisses or ignores their child’s emotions, disregards them as important, ignores their child’s emotions or worse, trivializes their child’s emotions. They may even interact with the child as if she is fine. This creates a parallel reality between the parents and the child. The child is now in a reality that hurts. In her reality, tragedy and loss has occurred. In her reality, her parents are not even there even if they are in the room physically. In the parent’s reality, they are meeting their child’s needs and everything is good. The move was a great one because it provided a new opportunity for better things. Because they can’t actually see her or feel her or understand her, they can’t actually make any changes that would improve the way she feels. This little girl is isolated completely in her own parallel reality and her parents don’t even notice. In a subconscious attempt to be seen, this girl may develop nosebleeds. The parents may then decide she is having nose bleeds is because the air is dry, having no clue that this is her being’s way of trying to have her reality of pain be seen. Later she may resort to cutting and/or accidents because that is the only time there is a cross over between their realities. There is a cross over because in those moments the parents will decide that her feelings of pain are valid and therefore exist. As life goes on, society will begin to mirror this split reality. She will perceive herself to be in one parallel reality and everyone else is in another. The torture of not only being in pain, but being in pain alone and worse, watching people who are together and happy, is so painful that she will most likely develop addictions. She will do anything to escape that pain and to be honest, the pain of that condition is worse than any drug or addiction she could ever chose. Because she is unconscious that she is experiencing a different perceptual reality, she just feels torment that she has no clue how to resolve. She has no clue how to resolve it because resolving it would entail breaking down the separation between these parallel realities. She feels powerless to do that, because she was powerless to do that with her parents. In that powerlessness, her option is to either escape from the pain through an addiction or to commit suicide. These parallel perceptual realities can be created through much less extreme situations than overt abuse. We are at risk of developing them any time we do not experience people seeing us or feeling us or hearing us. You can think of the extremeness of these parallel realities as existing on a kind of sliding scale. The more drastic the difference was between the realities that other people were perceiving as opposed to the one we were perceiving, the more severe the isolation and pain we experience in conjunction with having these differing realities. Some people only experience mild separation and only sometimes feel like they are in a separate reality. On the other end of the scale, some people feel so isolated by the intensity of their parallel perceptual reality that the reaction (or lack there of) that they get makes them doubt if they even exist and leads to so much pain that committing suicide is the only way out. Most mental illness is actually caused by these parallel perceptual realities that we have not managed to integrate because the rest of us judge their reality as false and invalid. If we judge them this way, we can never join them wherever they are so as to make any improvement. We can never find a way to integrate their reality with our own. We are just doing the same thing that parents do when they ignore, dismiss or disapprove of their child’s emotions. In the same way that doing that makes it impossible to actually work with the emotions so as to improve them, approaching the perceptual realities of people who we judge as “mentally ill” as if their realities are wrong, bad, or false makes it so we can never actually work with them. I’ll give you some examples of what I mean about mental illness really being about parallel perceptual realities. A paranoid schizophrenic lives in a different perceptual reality… A reality where people are after him or her. Someone suffering from PTSD is also living in a different perceptual reality, one of anger and trauma at every turn. Someone suffering from depression is in a perceptual reality of hopelessness where life is pointless. Someone who has panic attacks is in a different perceptual reality, one of immanent doom. They are looking out at everyone else who, in the moment they are having a panic attack, are in a reality where everything is normal and fine. This is the most gas-lighting experience on earth. To gaslight someone is to lead them to believe that their reality isn’t real. For example, what they see they didn’t see. What they feel, they shouldn’t feel or don’t feel. What they hear, they didn’t hear. I cannot explain to you the despair and terror that being stuck in these parallel realities creates. They don’t just create torture for those who are stuck in parallel realities of pain. They eventually create torture for people who are not because the relationship between them deteriorates and they often lose the person they love because of it. The pain of different perceptual realities that involve one person suffering alone is in fact the worst form of suffering that a person can actually experience on earth. It is the real hell on earth. The degree of pain experienced by people who are in pain because of wars and natural disasters and famine does not compare to this pain for one primary reason, they are suffering together with people who are experiencing the same painful reality. It is a tragedy when people say, “we never saw it coming” when someone commits suicide. When people say this, my internal response is always, “and that is why they did it right there.” We are not attuned to each other enough and we do not commit to developing intimacy or dealing with emotions like we should enough to guarantee that we are not living in parallel realities in the same physical world with one another. It is ignorant and cruel when people say, “misery likes company” in a derogatory way. We need to cut this phrase out of our vocabulary completely. Misery likes company because misery needs company. Connection is what people need in order to feel good and to feel like their world is worth living in. The real hell on earth is not being in pain. The real hell on earth is being in pain alone. And this is the hell we commit one another to when we are unaware of the parallel realities that we are stuck in. When we are stuck in a parallel reality of pain, often the only time we actually have anyone in our reality at all is if they are in pain too. This is because all too often, people who are in pleasure, cannot accommodate the reality of someone else feeling pain. It is in the developing of genuine connection that we can tear down the separation between these realities so that these realities can merge. One reality must begin to account for the other and vice versa. Denial is like a veil that serves as a divider between the two realities. It is within our capacity to accommodate polarities that our consciousness will find true progression. Pain must accommodate the reality of pleasure. Pleasure must accommodate the reality of pain. To understand this concept fully, I want you to watch my video titled: And Consciousness, The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way. There is no possibility for two people to stay connected and close if they are in different parallel perceptual realities, no matter if their bodies are in the same place. And it is intimacy and attunement that will bridge the gap between these different parallel realities that make us so utterly alone.
  2. Hi :) I am a spiritual healer, galactic channeller and Highly Sensitive Intuitive. I am a Reiki Master level teacher that works closely with my shamanic, angelic and galactic guides. Shadow work was the last piece of puzzle that I needed to fully come out of depression, social anxiety and suicidal thoughts. It is my heart felt honour to be able to share this modality with other empaths and highly sensitive beings.
  3. © Teal Eye LLC

  4. © Teal Eye LLC

  5. © Teal Eye LLC

  6. We sat down for a lovely interview with JP Sears (Ultra Spiritual) and Teal Swan (The Spiritual Catalyst) for an amazing discussion about spiritual bypassing. For more Teal Jp Sears Help us caption & translate this video!
  7. Teal Swan on How To Be Authentic, explains that most of our lives in this society is lived in pretense and fakeness and inauthenticity. In self-development we seek to be our authentic selves. Authenticity is often forfeited in society to keep the status quo, your job and your friends. But are these things worth the price of not being ourselves? Teal Swan goes on to explain How To Be Authentic and live in a state of authenticity. Referenced Videos Fragmentation- 3:33 How to call bulshit on denial - How to Express your emotion - 11:22 The Emotional Wakeup Call - 12:57 Teal Swan is an International Spiritual Leader. She offers perspective on a wide range of topics including relationships, anxiety, meditation, shadow work, the law of attraction, The Completion Process, healing, PTSD, emotions and spirituality Register for Premium Content Website: Facebook: Instagram: Twitter: TEALCATALYST Newsletter: Completion Process Book: Teal's Meditations: Teal's e-shop: Endsong: Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel Help us caption & translate this video! Help us caption & translate this video!
  8. To love is to take something as part of yourself. It is impossible for there not to be a state of connectedness when we do this with something. Love naturally inspires us to meet someone else’s needs because we feel that our need is to meet their needs. But for many of us, we ended up in households with people who did not experience genuine love, so they did not give us genuine love and as a result they could not remain connected with us through love. Instead, they had to forge connection with us in the same way that a spider forges its web to catch flies. People who were not loved feel unlovable for who they are. They live in a permanent internal atmosphere of shame. As a result love, as a gift seems impossible. Someone simply wanting to be connected to us seems impossible. Instead, we have to get these things by giving something. The things we want from others must be entirely transactional. Love becomes transactional. Connection becomes transactional. The meeting of all our needs becomes transactional. However, because we have such poor self-esteem, we often don’t feel like we have something that is of value enough that if we offered it, someone would want to accept the transaction. When this is the case, we have to trap people into giving us the things they need. And our relationships are always painful and are always full of the feeling of betrayal and resentment as a result. In many houses around the globe, children are not parented with love. Many cultures in fact simply do not parent with love. The Indian and Asian cultures are perhaps the most perfect example of this. So you can understand what I mean, I will use the example of these cultures. To generalize, in Indian and Asian culture, a person is not seen as a unique individual with free will and their own purpose who exists to be loved and enabled to follow their own path. A person is seen as a thing that belongs to their family and to society and that by virtue of being born in the first place, he or she is already in debt to family and society and will repay that debt through serving whatever role and identity that has been decided for them. In these kinds of homes, a parent often believes they are sacrificing everything for their child when in fact they are not sacrificing anything. They are simply wearing the façade of sacrifice so they can trap their children with shame and guilt and the sense that they owe their parents in some way. The things these parents give always come with invisible strings attached. They are always giving in order to get back. They are engaging in a transaction that the child did not even agree to in the first place. They are simply putting the child in a state of debt to them. They are giving things to the child simply so they can get things back from the child. And any time the child does something that displeases them, the child’s debts (the things the parents have done for them) are hung over the child’s head so as to get the child to surrender their free will and conform again to what the parent wants. These parents give their time to a child and potentially even give up their own dreams to get the sensation of being good and righteous and receive gratitude and praise from others. In this way, they are martyrs. These parents put a roof over their children’s head to get loyalty and alliance. These parents feed their children to guarantee that they can be taken care of by the children when the children are grown. These parents give their children opportunities so that they can gain status. These parents say “I love you because look at everything I do for you”. But the reality is that it doesn’t feel like love, because it isn’t. It is a spider web that the children have been trapped in. Each time the child accepts something that is given or allows one of their needs to be met by their parent (which they can’t not do, because their survival depends on their parent), an invisible string is attached to them and then another and then another. Until they are literally completely controlled by that parent and must simply let themselves be controlled or else there are serious consequences. You don’t have to be born into the Indian or Asian cultures to be raised like this. Transactional love and the twisted web it weaves to trap people is a human epidemic. It is present in any dysfunctional codependent and narcissistic home for example. These types of relationships are based on manipulation. So much so that we could say that the plaque that should belong on the wall of the family home is not “there is great love in this house” it is “there is great manipulation in this house”. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs. The problem with being raised in a transactional way is that you believe no other way to be in a relationship exists. You see everything subconsciously as if it is a business deal. All business deals have strings attached. The reason this isn’t a problem is because in business these strings are visible instead of invisible. If I do this, then they will do this. All of life is tit for tat. Expressions of love are synonymous with the pressure of owing someone. And you always have to stay the one who is owed and not the one in debt. After all, the one who is in debt is the one who is trapped in the spider’s web under the control of the spider. You will actually feel worse the more loving someone is towards you. Each thing they do for you, makes you feel more and more enmeshed (trapped in a spider’s web), less and less free, more and more in debt and eventually like you are going to have to give away your free will and your desires and your needs in order to repay that debt. This is when your enmeshment trauma kicks in and you have to withdraw to maintain your sense of free will and identity. At this point, you wither push the other person away or have to create a situation where the debt is paid off entirely and you can put them back in debt to you. You are doing this because what you learned in your childhood is that Love = Being Trapped. Those of you who want to believe that the spider’s web analogy is extreme, think again. On an energetic level this is the actual relationship that is occurring. The spider either simply catches the fly because it flew into the web (the same as a child just being innocently born into the family) or because it finds a way to lure the fly in (the same way that a person offers something to someone else). But in either scenario, there are strings attached. Either way, the fly gets stuck by the webbing. The person is trapped in the same way the fly is trapped. Then the spider feeds off of the fly. This is the phase where the person gets his or her needs met through the forced transaction. They are taking what they believe they deserve but that the person didn’t agree to giving as an exchange in the first place. For example, a mother has a child and decides that she needs that child to be a professional athlete so she can have status and significance through that child. The transaction is that she will give her hours to drive the child to classes and spend money so that the child can become that thing. The child never agreed to this transaction. But any time the child expresses his or her own free will, the mother will remind the child he or she is trapped in debt “I gave up all this money and time for you so you could be a professional athlete, you’re so selfish.” The guilt makes the child continue and become a professional athlete. The mother feeds on the status and significance through the child. She is literally eating her child that was trapped in her web by virtue of being born to her and having any needs at all. Here is another example, if we are a rescuer, we have worked out that rescuing someone is a perfect way to put them in debt in a way that they are unable to leave and must repay the debt through commitment, positivity towards us, loyalty and the meeting of our needs. If we ever feel like the person we rescued has paid off their debt or is putting us in a position where we may be in debt to the things that they are giving to us, we must create a situation where they are crashed and in need of rescue again. Someone can’t show love to us without us feeling in debt and controlled. And so, we do something to cause them to collapse so we can come in as the rescuer again and often we chose mates who already have a dysfunction so we can play out this cycle. This is often why codependents choose alcoholics or people with mental illness or personality disorders. If a person tried to cause a collapse in someone who didn’t have a dysfunction already, it wouldn’t work. That person would immediately feel the pattern at play and would leave the relationship as a result. But the person with a dysfunction can’t because they have a very real and genuine problem and need. This kind of desperate dependency is the closest that a person raised in a transactional way can feel to the guarantee that they will never be abandoned. They believe that being left by a person without a dysfunction is inevitable because they don’t have enough to offer someone who does not desperately need them for the transaction of meeting their needs because they have already learned that they cannot be loved for who they are. If this is the way that you were raised, the name of the game in your relationships is to do what your parent or parents did. Get other people in a position of being in debt to you. The problem is that you did not disclose any of these subconscious contracts that you had with them. These were agreements that were never agreed to by them. You didn’t express these contracts you forged outright any more than your parents expressed that by being born to them and by having them meet your needs, you were not expected to give up your personal identity, be loyal to them and owe them and take care of them for the rest of your life. You did not express these contract because you are not consciously aware of the terms and you know somewhere deep inside you that they would never be agreed to. Here are some examples of the subconscious contracts you forge without other people knowing that they are agreeing to it: You figure out quickly how to meet their needs so that you can guarantee that you will bee indispensible to them (this is called hooking someone). You give up something in your life with the expectation that they give up the same thing for you. You show them physical affection with the expectation that they are going to give it back to you. You give them freedom and space so you can get that from them. You pay for dinner so that you can avoid being in debt to them and instead you can put them in the position to owe you. You help them out in a time of need by doing something for them so that you can guarantee their alliance and loyalty. You do things for them so you can get appreciation. You give them a gift with the expectation that they will never say something bad about you. And you are always counting score. Using the previous scenario, they did not know that by accepting your gift, they could never say anything negative about you. So when they do that and you remind them that it isn’t fair for them to do that because of the gift you gave them, you feel betrayed and they are frozen under the weight of realizing that you didn’t actually give them a gift out of love, you gave it to them to use against them later as leverage. It is a repeat of what was done to you as a child. Only this time, you’re playing the role of your parent and they are playing the role that you used to play. The worst part of all is that because of the shame underlying personal unconscious transactional relationships, you can only stay feeling like you are a good person who does the right thing and stay on top of the debt game by staying in a place where what the other person did is unfair. You are dependent on a state of resentment (being unfairly wronged) to escape your deep-seated core of shame. And you are full of anger that you most likely cannot express because of this dynamic. I want you to see what parenting is supposed to look like. Parenting with love. In this kind of a scenario, the parent sees that the child did not ask to be born. They are not doing the child a favor by having them and so the child does not owe them anything. This child is the gift that has been given to them. This child is a unique expression of source consciousness. This child has been encoded with his or her own desires, needs, essence and purpose. The universe has trusted the parent with this incredible gift knowing that the partnership between them will lead to the expansion and spiritual progression of both parent and child. This child is meant to be seen by the parent as part of him or her. This love will naturally inspire the parent to demonstrate his or her love to the child through affection and gifts and quality time and acts of service and appreciation. When these demonstrations of love are done, they are not done to get anything back. They are done because it feels good to demonstrate love to something tat you love. You do not need incentive. Doing something lovely for them feels like doing something lovely for yourself when you have taken something as part of yourself. All beings, including children, naturally demonstrate love back when they feel reciprocal love, which a child always will. Both parent and child are free and so they are free to love each other and demonstrate that love to each other. The child didn’t have to do anything for the parent or be anything for the parent to feel this love and demonstrate it to them. This is the kind of love you wanted with your parent. This is the kind of loving relationship you still want. The kind with no invisible strings attached. Having a relationship with no invisible strings attached begins with you. Start becoming aware of the hidden, subconscious expectations you hold. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: Priceless Love Advice, (Expectations and Assumptions). Become aware of the contracts you are forging without even telling someone that they are signing it. When do you really want to be giving something with no idea of what you will get in return? Notice the betrayal and unfairness you feel in all of your relationships, especially when it arises. Betrayal is the breaking of a presumptive contract. The question is, which one? Transaction works in business because it is mutually expected and assumed. The transaction is disclosed and genuinely agreed to. The reason it takes so long to settle a business deal is because it takes a long time for both parties to agree to a fair transaction. A company that does not bother to be fair about their transactions ends up getting sued. A transaction is ok, provided that it is agreed to. But the rules that apply to business are not the same that apply to personal relationships. In personal relationships that are based off of genuine connection, what people really want is giving and receiving inspired by taking someone as part of you, not a transaction. Become aware of the discomfort of feeling subservient and in debt when someone does something nice for you. Feel the pressure of having to even the score to feel free. Make a vow to not do something for someone unless you genuinely want to without expecting anything back, even appreciation. Find that place in you that loves something to the degree that doing something nice for it feels like it is the same as doing something nice for yourself. Keeping in mind that at first, this may be an animal or a plant and not a person. Develop Healthy Boundaries. Give in alignment with these boundaries. Non transactional (unconditional) love always makes space for you to be in alignment with yourself first and foremost. Most people have no idea what boundaries are or how to develop them. For this reason, I ask you to watch my video titled: Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How To Develop Healthy Boundaries). Give other people what you always wanted from your parents. Do not make your demonstrations of love conditional upon anything. It is better to simply acknowledge, “I don’t want to give anything to them at all” and to not give someone anything than it is to give someone something with an invisible string attached. It is better to accept that you do not want to give anything than it is to tell yourself that you have to give without expectations even when you don’t want to, otherwise you are being transactional about it. There is a big difference between getting something that someone gives us because they love to see us happy and paying for something we want to get from someone. The sad thing about this transactional way of being about love is that if we have to pay for everything we get, if we have to give to get anything, we can’t stop from seeing ourselves as not good enough for someone to love enough that they can simply want us or care about us enough to want to meet our needs and see us happy. Notice the ways you are conditionally giving with yourself. Do you only give yourself a day of rest so you can be get more productivity or performance out of yourself tomorrow? Do you nurture your body or give it what it needs with the expectation for it will never get sick or break down? Do you let yourself have fun with the expectation that you will work to deserve it? Do you only feel appreciation for yourself when you give yourself an achievement? Begin to notice these subconscious contracts you have with yourself. Notice how they mirror the transactions you had with your parents growing up. Practice demonstrations of love towards yourself without any expectation of a return from yourself. Unconditional demonstration of love is caring for the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. Loving in this way is the act of extending yourself, vulnerabilities included, into uncharted emotional territory with the intent that regardless of the outcome, we want to benefit another person. When someone else’s happiness is experienced as your happiness, you know you have found unconditional love. It is one of the most expansive feelings on the planet. It is pure ecstasy. And all beings on the earth deserve to be on both sides of that ecstasy.
  9. There are many ways that spirituality can turn abusive. Spiritual beliefs can be used to justify abuse, cover up abuse and be abusive in nature in and of themselves. I am going to be talking about these abusive friendly aspects of spirituality in depth over the course of my career. But today, I’m going to start with the abuse surrounding standard beliefs about reactivity. The first thing to understand is that most people in the world today don’t differentiate between a reaction and the actions inspired by a reaction. It is all lumped into the same category. For example, if you see a nasty comment from someone posted on your social media post, you may immediately react with feelings of being hurt, feeling shame, flushing red, feeling anger, the impulse to fight back. This is a reaction. If you act on that impulse by posting a mean comment back, that is an action that was inspired by the reaction. We need to make the distinction between reactions and actions inspired by reactions. It doesn’t take a genius to see that unconscious reactivity causes a lot of problems in the world. For example, if a woman cheats and her husband becomes jealous and is unconscious of his powerlessness and rage to the degree that his reaction escalates into the action of the murder of his wife, it is easy to see that reactivity can lead to dangerous things. If we have been hurt by someone’s reactivity inspired actions in the past, we are likely to make an enemy of reactivity entirely. We see reactivity as the bad guy. Traditional spiritual gurus have projected a persona into the world of being individuals who either have no reactivity or who have entirely mastered their reactivity. They set the standard of not only what is expected of any master or teacher, but also the standard for what being a perfect human is. Therefore, our idea of what we all are striving to be and must be in order to be perfectly loved is non reactive. We imagine that in a state of non-reactivity, we are constantly open, unconditionally loving and perfectly in control of ourselves. The bottom line is, if we subscribe to these ideas and faiths, non-reactivity is what we expect from ourselves as well as each other. So, what if I told you that you cannot control your primary internal reactions to something? Feelings do not exist in a vacuum. They always arise as a result of something else. They are always about something or towards something. When you came into this life, you were essentially operating through felt perception. You come to this world already encoded with reflexes, which are reactions. An example of one such reflex is that if you hold an infant on its back with its arms loose; it will react as if it is bracing a fall. This is called the moro reflex. The child doesn’t have to be thinking about being abandoned in a cognitive way to feel the terror in their body of being separated from their mother and to cry and reach out for her in response to that separation. What we are dealing with here is cause and effect. Can you imagine expecting a dog to not react to being kicked? Can you imagine poking a sea anemone with a stick and expecting it not to close up? Can you imagine expecting a baby calf not to cry out when it looses its mother in a field? Unless you are dissociated or disconnected, you will have a reaction to things in the world. It is called being alive. Our reactions to things also happen in proportion to our previous life experience. It is really tempting for us to say that someone overreacted to something because they didn’t react like we would have reacted. But even then, someone who was at war with explosions going off around them is going to react differently to fireworks than someone who has been safe all their life and has no association with explosions and death imbedded in their nervous system. There is no such thing as an overreaction. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: Drama (How to Avoid Drama and Drama Queens). The most abusive hallmark of an abusive home environment is when one of the parents (classically we call this the narcissist) hurts someone in the home but when the person has a reaction to that injury, the reaction is instantly made the problem and not what was done to cause it. So you can understand this, I will tell you a part of my past. When I was younger, the man who abused me for years had tied me to a hitching post to rape me. The force of the rape caused me to have a bloody nose. When he finished and saw me both crying and also bleeding, he shamed me for both crying and bleeding. Just so you can get how twisted this was, in his mind, the problem wasn’t the rape that caused the bloody nose and the crying… the problem was that I had those reactions. The reality is that in our universe, there is cause and effect. It is inevitable that if someone punches you in the nose hard enough that your nose will start bleeding. It is inevitable that when someone sets up to punch you, you will flinch and feel your body release adrenaline. I want you to imagine for a moment someone punching you in the nose and then, when it starts to bleed, acting like something is seriously wrong with you because your nose started bleeding. Perhaps they tell you, “you have such weak capillaries in your nose, we really need to take you to get you checked out”. This may seem like an extreme example, but it isn’t. In spiritual communities, we are doing this to ourselves all the time and we are doing it to each other all the time. We can’t own the shame of having done something that caused a negative reaction and so we immediately make the person wrong for having a negative reaction and even more wrong for any action inspired from that negative reaction. This is called shame deflection. To learn more about this dynamic of shame deflection, I ask you to watch my videos titled: Deflection, The Coping Mechanism From Hell and The Number One Relationship Obstacle And How To Dissolve It. If people refuse to feel or own their shame, they can’t take any responsibility. This is true if someone is perpetually in the victim role to escape responsibility or if someone is doing something to hurt others and will not accept that fact and thus makes the victim the one to blame for his or her reactions. We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when someone betrays us (it’s just a part of us betraying us and so, if we focus on that, we wont get mad back). We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when horrible memories are triggered (it’s the past it’s not now, if we can just be in the now, we wont feel those feelings). We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when someone says something painful to us (try to see them with compassion instead, they wouldn’t be doing it if they weren’t in even worse pain). We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when we lose our loved ones (there’s no death and if you feel loss, you’re stuck in illusion). Do you see how this goes yet? I could make a list 5,000 miles long about how spiritual beliefs are used to suppress reaction and to make reaction wrong. They are used to shame you if you have a reaction. In other words, if you have a reaction, you are falling short of the standard of human perfection and something is wrong with you. How many times in social circles have you heard this “How people treat you is their karma and how you react is your karma?” Or “It’s not what happens, it’s how you respond to it” or “How you react emotionally is your responsibility?” Like I said, it takes an idiot not to see that if we simply react unconsciously and as a result take actions inspired by those reactions, it’s going to cause a lot of problems for us and other people. But for the sake of awareness, look at the potential danger in these teachings. We can use these teachings to avoid looking at and owning the impact we have on others completely. That can lead to a wickedly painful world… One where as if it isn’t bad enough that we did something that had negative impact on someone that hurt them, we also made them feel like something is wrong with them for feeling bad or getting hurt or having a negative reaction when we did that thing. We can use these beliefs to completely avoid seriously looking at what we are doing to other people and what we need to do differently. And we can use these beliefs to shame ourselves on top of our pain, which creates even more reactivity. Aside from the obvious external cruelty that this belief and expectation can open the door for, it can lead to self-abusive shame. If we operate in the world with the belief that we should not have a negative emotional reaction to anything or that, any time we have a negative reaction to something, we will believe that we are bad and wrong for having it. Or that something needs to be fixed in us if we had that reaction. Therefore, instead of being able to address the very valid reaction that we had, we will immediately unconsciously invalidate it. That belief that something is wrong with us that needs to be fixed or bad about us will slide over the top of the initial reaction like a thousand pounds of more pain. The shame will in essence suppress our reaction, but the pressure of it will cause so much pain that we will either explode or collapse. And so often when we overreact with an emotional crisis or have an emotional breakdown, this is the tormenting process that is occurring within us. These beliefs can lead to bigger reactions, instead of smaller reactions. I must mention at this point that if this is a chronic pattern in your life, it is a guarantee that in your childhood, the adults in your life could not own that they caused any negative reaction in you and so, if you ever had a negative reaction to anything, they took no responsibility for causing it and instead decided that you were the one with a problem for having a negative reaction where a negative reaction was not warranted. And if any of you are bulimic or are cutters or have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, you can thank this pattern for it. I know that many of you who are watching this are going to feel like if we make reaction ok or normal, then it is the same thing as condoning reactive abuse. If we make reactions ok, then revenge is ok and things like screaming and violence and murder ok and so it will happen more. What I will say to that is that we have to separate out the concept of reaction from the action the reaction inspires and stop judging reaction as not ok. Instead we have to accept that we are always going to have an initial reaction and that the initial reaction is often going to happen at a level far more primitive/instinctual than our cognitive processing level. And that there is no such thing as overreacting at that level. And so, we have to begin to care-take our reactions as if there is a real reason for the reaction… A real reaction that was either caused or triggered by someone else. This is the real responsibility we have. Face it as if it is valid because it is. If we sink into victimhood, we avoid taking responsibility for caretaking our pain, which might not only involve finding ways to heal and feel better, but also asking a person to change a behavior toward us. If we sink into the opposite, which is shame for having a reaction to being hurt, we also take no responsibility for caretaking our very real reaction. We need to adopt the mentality that any reaction we have is warranted because it is always coming from a real place. We just have to figure out where that real place is. You are going to have to accept that as long as you are alive, you are going to have reactions. So is everyone else. If we can see those initial reactions as valid and real, so as to not add shame on top of them, we can figure out what that reaction is telling us about our truth in the moment and our past unresolved pain and about that we need in the moment. We can use them to become more aware. We can address them like we would address real wounds. And by doing that, the actions we take towards others as a result of our reactions will change. If a trigger is to blame in a situation where you are having a reaction, it is probably not the other person’s fault that you have sensitivity in that area. But that trigger still exists for a very valid reason. Blaming them for the trigger isn’t fair. But neither is expecting yourself not to have it or telling yourself that something is sick or wrong with you because you have it or telling yourself that because this is a trigger, you shouldn’t have the reaction towards this new situation. If a dog who had been battered, hid in its cage despite being placed in a loving home, we wouldn’t get upset at the dog as if it has no good reason to be doing that. So why do we do that to ourselves and each other? We have the tendency of believing that if we just changed our perspective or the way we were thinking or the way we interpret the things that happen or were enlightened enough, we wouldn’t have the reactions we have in the first place. Can you see that this puts us at war with reactions in the first place? We can’t take care of something we don’t think should be there in the first place. We’re already pushing it away, so how can we pull it close enough to explore it, examine it and care-take it? When we have a reaction, we need to treat the reaction as if it is a thing to be deeply understood because it is valid. It exists for real reasons. If your leg was hit by a lead pipe, it would break and the pain you would feel would exist for a very real reason. It works the same way with emotions. We have to look at the cause. We have to look at what it caused us to feel in our bodies and feel emotionally and what it caused us to think. We have to ask what it is letting us know about what we need. We need to meet those needs and this includes communicating needs that we have to the people around us. Action actually comes after reaction. We have made an enemy or reactions because we confuse actions that are taken as a result of a reaction AS a reaction. We can intercept this chain from reaction to action. But we need to stop expecting ourselves to intercept this chain from external event to reaction. It is futile. Let things like altering your perspective and attitude and interpretation be part of the caretaking process of your reaction. Not a way to try to convince yourself you shouldn’t have had the reaction in the first place. Your reaction is always legitimate. If we want to learn to intercept the chain between reaction and the action it inspires, the game we have to stop playing with other people is the game of treating them as if their reaction is not legitimate. And even if we don’t use words to convey this, if we are thinking it, they will feel it. They will be 1,000 times more likely to carry out an action in response to their reaction that will be escalated because we have given them no opportunity to address the reaction they are having if we judge it as something that shouldn’t be happening in the first place. We should be using any reaction we have in order to become aware. But be aware the risk of believing it is possible not to have a reaction. Beware of the risk of feeling shame or being shamed for having a reaction.
  10. Intimacy is the most important part of any good feeling relationship. When most people hear the word intimacy, they immediately think of sexual interaction. Sex may be a byproduct of intimacy in some cases. But this is not what intimacy is. Intimacy can be broken down into the three-word phrase “into me see.” First and foremost intimacy is to see into one another so as to deeply connect. Intimacy goes beyond just seeing someone though. Intimacy is seeing into, feeling into, listening into, perceiving and understanding someone. To have genuine intimacy with someone, we have to be willing to commit to becoming an expert on them. Some people are absolutely terrified of intimacy. They are terrified that intimacy is not going to lead to something that feels good. It is going to lead to something that feels bad. For example, we might be terrified that if we let someone really see the truth of us, they will not tolerate it or accept it. If they know the truth of us, they may use it against us later. If they know our weaknesses or vulnerabilities, they can capitalize on them to our detriment and conversely for their own best interest. If they know what we really want, they can use that as leverage to control us. If they give us closeness, we may feel like we are obligated to make them happy in return, which is a kind of indebtedness and have lost our freedom as a result. If they find out things about us that they might judge as bad or wrong, they might increase our shame, abandon or reject us. If we let them in, they might find a way to engulf us completely so that we do not even have ourselves at all. We need to spend some time imagining being completely close to someone and having no distance between ourselves and another person so that they can see, feel, hear, understand us and be permanently linked to us and see what deep imprint of fear arises in us as a result. When a child is born, it is born with a natural compulsion and instinct to be close to its parents. Intimacy comes naturally to us all. Being close to one’s parents is how one guarantees having one’s needs met and protection and comfort in times of distress. But how a parent responds to being wanted and needed by the child as well as how the parent uses this need for closeness for their own aims, dictates how safe closeness and intimacy is or isn’t. If we have a fear of intimacy, our parents either dismissed our neediness of them and shamed us for it and/or used our neediness against us. In households like this, parents usually respond to feelings, thoughts or desires with intolerance and non acceptance as if the truth of how the child feels and how they think and what they want is a challenge to the parent. For example, if a mother is going to take the child to school but the child expresses any anger or fear about having to go to school as well as the personal truth that they don’t want to, this parent will react harshly, scold the child for being disrespectful or ungrateful and minimize or invalidate their feelings. The message that the child gets is that the way he or she feels, thinks as well as what she or she wants or doesn’t want is invalid, shameful and is in direct conflict with the parent’s feelings, thoughts and desires. The message here is “you can’t have you and have me too, because our truths conflict and I’m the adult, so you are wrong and bad”. Instead of seeing how ridiculous this is, we decide that the parent must be right and for the sake of ending the terror we feel to be in conflict with the parent that we are dependent on (who is the god of our reality) we try to disown our feelings, thoughts and desires and idolize the parent because viewing them negatively, overwhelms us with anxiety. Our own personal truth is swallowed by them in the same way that a prey animal is swallowed by a predator. And we allow this to happen. It is a strategy to try to keep ourselves safe from conflict and to keep ourselves from being abandoned. But we feel swallowed. We feel engulfed. We lose ourselves. Another form of intolerance for our personal truth happens when a child expressing his or her actual truth including feelings, thoughts or desires causes a parent to be so reactive that the child perceives their own truth to be the cause of the collapse of the wellbeing of the parent. In this scenario, the child learns to withhold themselves so as to preserve the wellbeing of the parent. This is common in situations where one parent is sick, dysfunctional or to distressed to parent. For example, if a parent is suicidal, a child learns to never share their negative feelings because if they do, it may push their parent over the edge and cause them to kill themselves. What we have to understand is that if in our childhood, our need for our parents, as well as our personal truth (meaning feelings, thoughts and desires) was not tolerated by our parents, we learn to fear intimacy. We learn to avoid going to our parents and then to other people for what we need. We avoid showing ourselves to them. We close up and keep them our instead. And because we have learned that our parents and other people cannot accept our emotions, thoughts and desires and we cannot tolerate them in that situation, we learn to disconnect from our personal truth as well. This includes disconnecting from our feelings so we don’t feel them. This includes disconnecting from our thoughts so we aren’t thinking them. It means disconnecting from our bodies so we don’t feel our bodies and it involves disconnecting from our personal desires. One thing we have to accept if we had this experience in childhood is that our heart is broken. It was broken long ago and it has never healed. It never healed because we never found a way to resolve that pain and have a different experience relative to being seen, felt, heard and understood so as to feel close to someone who can meet our needs in a consistently loving and warm way. Instead, we simply forged forward with a broken heart and as a result of not even knowing what we needed in order to mend that heart, simply entered into scenarios where we experienced more heartbreak. Closeness inevitably involves feelings of vulnerability. Because the person who fears intimacy has learned to cope with their own feelings with avoidance, this naturally leads to suppressing needs, feelings, and desires as well as avoiding anything that would induce these feelings. Closeness is to be avoided at all costs, even though closeness is their most suppressed need. And they cannot dismiss their own needs, feelings and desires without doing the same to other people around them. They don’t want to see or feel or deeply understand someone because this brings up the deep feelings of unfairness that they must accept and tolerate and take care of who someone else is but they will not receive the same treatment in return… just like in childhood. For this reason, the people involved with those who fear intimacy feel as if they are not seen, not heard, not felt and not understood. They will feel like the person who fears intimacy doesn’t see the obvious ways that they hurt them or do anything to remedy the situation. The person who fears intimacy seems to be totally void of empathy because the truth is he or she is not connected to the other person enough to perceive their feelings or thoughts or needs or desires. If you are struggling with the fear of intimacy, here is how to approach that fear: Get in touch with your feelings. Your emotions are like a compass leading you constantly to see the truth of yourself in any given moment. In the same way that a compass tells you where you are located in space and what direction to go, your emotions tell you what vibration you are currently holding and what direction to go to improve that personal frequency so that the circumstances of your life are in alignment with your desires. Your emotions are also the doorway to discovering the subconscious limitations you have which are preventing your happiness in life. Not being in touch with your emotions in life is similar to being stranded in a foreign wilderness without a compass. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: How to Feel (Learn How To Start Feeling). Learning to feel after having deliberately cut yourself off from emotions begins with the conscious choice and decision that you want to feel. That is not a decision that you have made yet. Once you have done this, label how you feel and communicate how you feel to other people. Consider this a process of re-owning you personal truth. Discover the part of you that does not want to be intimate with someone (the part of you that was wounded by your parents refusing to accept and tolerate your feelings, thoughts and desires as a child, as if it were a personal challenge to them as a person. Once you find this part, talk to it, understand it, feel it, see it and give it the intimacy that has never been given to you. From this space, that part of you will tell you what you need to do and what it needs other people to do in order for it to allow for intimacy in its life. To understand how to do this process, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. Make a practice of noticing social cues. When you decided to shut people out because you decided that you could never be acknowledged by them or be supported by them, you tuned other people out. This means you either ignore or dismiss subtle (and not so subtle) cues from other people all the time. This is a vicious cycle because it makes the world and intimacy more dangerous. When you don’t pick up on social cues and adjust your behavior accordingly or dismiss them, other people feel like you do not have their best interests at heart. They perceive you to be heartless and cruel and to be someone who can’t be trusted. As a result, they decide to be in defense mode against you and not care about your best interest either. It becomes an antagonistic relationship and thus not safe to either party. This only reinforces your belief that other people cannot be trusted with your vulnerability and that you cannot be close to them. The more you notice social cues so as to respond to them in a way that makes people feel safe near you, the more they will want to care take your needs and personal truth and best interests. Throughout your day, in every social interaction, practice reading their emotions and checking in with them about whether what you are perceiving is accurate or not. Notice your disconnection from other people when it occurs within you. Notice how it feels like your heart is gone and like you are only a brain. Notice that you don’t really feel what is happening in terms of emotional sensations in your body. Notice how other people are responding to you with anxiety and neediness and rage. Rage is a cover emotion for powerlessness. This is happening because you are disconnecting from your own feelings of anxiety, neediness and fear in this moment. You feel that by disconnecting from the other person who you perceive to be causing those feelings, you can escape from the feelings themselves. They then become the carrier of your suppressed and disowned emotions in that moment and will become even more anxious because you are making them responsible for both their own anxiety and yours. Try to choose to drop into and feel the feelings of anxiety, powerlessness and neediness that you are trying to avoid. You are terrified of strong negative emotions. Forcing yourself not to distract yourself or leave the physical vicinity of the other person and choosing to drop inside yourself to let yourself feel the real feelings underneath that disconnection is the only real way to not create a vicious spiral of lost connection with the person who you genuinely want to be connected with. With a willing partner, who can understand the trauma you have experienced relative to showing yourself as a child, practice dropping into these emotions that you are terrified of and allow them to do what your parents did not do for you. Have a new experience of them acknowledging those feelings, tolerating them and supporting you through them. Commit to authenticity. If you fear intimacy, you have not been living authentically. Trying to be authentic around your parents, which is an intimate thing because you are trusting someone with the truth of you, had consequences. But notice the pain involved in living an authentic life. Anais Nin once wrote that the day came that the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom. Have you reached that point yet? Has that day come? If so, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic. Your fear of intimacy has made it so you subconsciously prioritize areas of your life where you don’t experience vulnerability and strong emotions or needs, things like work and hobbies. A life of achievement is useless if you have no one to share that life with. What you really want and need is connection, closeness and to be truly seen, felt, heard and understood by someone. To get this, you are going to have to prioritize your relationships instead. You need to see that you can be loved for who you are, not for what you can do or for what you achieve. Notice that positive feelings trigger your fear of intimacy even more than negative ones. When you feel another person loving you and demonstrating love for you and wanting connection with you, it conflicts with what you think is possible and with your own view of yourself. As a result, you will feel suspicion and distrust for them and it will unwittingly trigger that deep-seated feeling that you developed in childhood that who you were was not to be tolerated. And as a result, it arouses all of that pain. To get away from the pain of that trigger, you will disconnect from those feelings and create problems or tension in the relationship or push the person who is loving you away. Face your shame, own it and deal with it directly. Shame is a sense of oneself being bad or wrong, deficient or defective in some way. And what else are you to conclude about yourself if the truth of how you feel, think and what you desire is not tolerated by the people who are supposed to love you the most in your life – your parents. For this reason, I want you to watch my videos titled: How To Overcome Shame and The #1 Relationship Obstacle and How To Dissolve It. Be aware of when you are pushing people away. Play a game with people in your life. Ask them to tell you when something you say or do feels like a push away to them. You need to see this reflection of yourself in order to become more self-aware. If you have cut yourself off from your feelings and thoughts and desires and body, you are not very self aware. And self awareness is the key to recognizing your behaviors before they are acted out and damage your relationships. Commit to becoming an expert on the people in your life, especially your significant other. If the only person you practice closeness with is one person, that is good enough to start. To be close to someone and to develop intimacy with someone, you have to be willing to make a constant study of them so you can become a expert on them. Practice the connection process. In this process, you will be journeying into someone’s internal world and you will be letting them journey into yours. To learn how to do this process, watch my video titled: How To Connect With Someone. Discover your needs and even though it is scary, express them to other people and allow them to choose when and how to meet them. If you can’t express them directly, express them indirectly. Write the various needs you have on a piece of paper and put the paper somewhere in the house where they are easy to see. Instead of expecting them to meet those needs or manipulating them to meet those needs, surrender into the vulnerability of letting others meet those needs because they want to and because your happiness is their happiness. When you were young, your needs were not met with warmth and consistency. Your needs were either not met at all, or they were met with inconsistency, anger and resentment and often with strings attached. You learned not to depend on others to meet your needs, but to swing between manipulating them to meet your needs and meeting them all by yourself. You need to let yourself have the experience of having your needs met by others because it brings them pleasure to do so. Accept that you will be learning how to be intimate and close and connected with someone for the first time from scratch. It is best to start with the idea that you have no idea how to have a good relationship and so you have to prioritize learning it now. You did not have role models for a good relationship and thinking that the poor example you had was how it ought to be, your past relationships have most likely not shown you how to have a feel good and close relationship wither. So how could you know how to do it? You don’t. Become ok with starting from scratch and throwing your old paradigms away. This is the moment that the scientist realizes his current theory is rubbish and so he has to crumple it up and throw it in the trashcan and be open to entirely new ways of having a relationship. Become comfortable with vulnerability. The more tolerant of vulnerability and the discomfort it causes, the closer we will be able to be with people and the less we will push them away. Vulnerability is not weakness. Instead, it involves great courage to be willing to be vulnerable. If we can choose to acknowledge and share our vulnerability in a situation instead of cope by pushing people away, creating conflict or disconnecting, we can remain connected to the person we want to be connected with. We can bring resolve to what is real. We can meet the needs that are real. We can make the relationship feel good again. Realize your tendency to repeat what was done to you as a child in your relationships. Recognize the way you meet other people’s wants, needs, feelings, thoughts and desires with intolerance. If you can remember how painful that was, you can recognize what you needed instead, and provide that experience to other people. Imagine that every time you are giving that to them, you are giving that to the child in you that had to suffer in that way and you are helping to create a world where that kind of pain no longer exists. Intimacy is an act of courage. Courage cannot happen without fear. Courage implies fear. If we want connection and intimacy, we are going to have to step forward and commit to connection and intimacy with our fear, not in spite of it. We are going to have to bring the vulnerability of that fear with us into the relationship. The good news is that if we have found a partner who wants to be connected and intimate with us as well, by dong so we will have a different experience than we had in the first place in our life. We will experience someone who is able to not only accept but to love the truth of you and meet your needs because it brings them pleasure to do so.
  11. My name is Gabriel Fernandes and I was born and raised in London, England. I have suffered from Depression, Agoraphobia and anxiety most of my life, having such low self-worth and an inability to believe in myself. I know what it’s like to feel completely broken, having no where to turn, and having no sense of direction. I’m currently living in Costa Rica where I’m beginning to live the life I want after living years in stagnation. I've been following Teal’s teachings and studying The Completion Process for the past few years and it has saved my life. I truly believe I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Teal’s insights and The Completion Process. It’s a great honour to be chosen and certified by Teal. My goal is to give you unconditional presence, validation, and complete guidance. I understand the importance of connection and having someone who is able to be present with you through this process. If desired, I can also use my intuitive abilities to help you come up with practical steps to take to further your healing after our sessions as well. Aside from being highly intuitive, my extensive experience in this practice has made me confident in being able to assisting you in your integration, helping you to become whole again, and helping you to allow yourself to manifest real changes in your life. For more details, don't hesitate to contact me.
  12. © Teal Eye LLC

  13. © Teal Eye LLC