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About SnuggleBug

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  • Birthday 08/03/1990

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  1. I started working as a teen to earn some money when we had holidays in the summer. Work really didn't interest me but I find a job and worked because I really wasn't in the mood to listen my mother for 3 months that I am doing nothing all day. So I worked for 10 years. Of course only between holidays and after high school I just continued working more. I had many jobs because I like to try all sorts of things and figure out what suits me best. All I figured out is that I dont want to work and couldn't care less about work. A job is just dealing with a bunch of stupid people with no lives, with credit up their necks, talking mostly about stupid personal and intimate things AND doing a job that I couldn't care less about. I worked mostly in stores or as a waitress. I also volunteered and those were "jobs" I love best but as doing them I outgrew them. The thing is I cant dedicate more than 8 hours a day for a job where I have coworkers and on top of that clients. There are a lot of jobs without clients and just coworkers but I tried some, mostly physical and no that's not what I am able to do for the rest of my life. What the hell do I do? I haven had a job for 2 years and I couldn't feel better. The only thing that is suffocating me is not having money. Though that is another story. No matter how many jobs I have I will most likely never have much. Thanks to certain circumstances in my life and people. I obviously need to find out what would I like to do but the things I would like to do I know nothing about. Meaning if I know nothing about it how can I like it? I can see myself having a job that involves staring in a computer screen programming, building website, repairing etc. but without guidance some stuff looks like Greek to me honestly. Other thing I see myself doing has something to do with writing. If I have something to say, I can write. I am also very interested in psychology and everything around mental health and how the brain works. But of course I didn't even finish high school, have learning problems and I am interested pretty much in the most difficult topic on planet earth. Even though I love the unconscious and shadow. I can see myself never having a job again. If I think and imagine myself lets say going to that bar in town and starting to work it does have a positive vibe to it because I need independence and that is a way to it. But then again I cringe since I know how small paychecks are and my paycheck would probably be even smaller and then I would find out that it is not giving me Independence and that I have no benefit from it. Being a waitress isn't making me grow spiritually even though there are human interactions. Its just some thing you do for 8 hours and than come home psychically destroyed. I am so stuck its actually hilarious. I feel like I have given all my energy to my jobs in those teenage years and my early 20s that today I'm completely burned out. I could probably go and live under the bridge and not care for not having a job since mental piece is way more important than earning money I cant buy anything with and work with sheeps. Seriously, what to do in this kind of situation? Its not the first time I feel this but I always ignored it and found a job and worked. But this isn't working anymore.
  2. SnuggleBug

    Cool, thank you.
  3. SnuggleBug

    Haha this. I should put this somewhere on a wall or on my forehead to see it each time I look in the mirror. I want to know it all so badly when I start self-exploring it just gets exhausting. And I am starting to suspect its out of control. So if I know stuff I can control stuff. Ah ... So yeah, I like what you wrote. Spot on! 🤩
  4. SnuggleBug

    Hmmm well it just might have some steel in it😀 Interesting idea, I wish you all the success with it. Though import/export, business and stuff like that is giving me a headache. I would die doing that.
  5. SnuggleBug

    I dont even understand what are you asking me. I dont know.
  6. SnuggleBug

    Oh my can I relate. It feels good to relate to someone else to see I'm not the only one. Though I like my anger and rage. I always lashed out in general because I have people who cant hear another living being attracted to me so I started lashing out when people took me as ... well like I am not a human being. I am just there for their frustrations to be spilled all over me. Though I do understand myself and other I think pretty well for now. I always wanted to know why people behave towards me as they do. I never did get much far with my that's why because emotions are a complicate and delicate "thing" so I was mostly portraying me in front of myself like a victim. Which of course led no where. After I separated with a friend and then boyfriend I felt like I was sawed in half so it was everything easier to see. I developed a really good self reflection. As to how I feel, why I feel the way I feel, where does it come from and where does it originate. Of course I was jumping between killing myself, killing him, his entire family ... that's pretty how much far it went. It was pure blind rage. In the last 3 years as I said to you in another thread, I did overcome so much its amazing to me. And the thing pissing me off the most was the "gratitude" feeling that almost never appeared when I figured out something. So I felt fucked by people who obviously never suffered in life because the truth is when you truly understand yourself and another, you are parallelized. You still feel what you did before but now cant act because you know too much and it would be stupid. That's when anger kicks in. For me it is because I feel like I am a canvas here to abuse till we dont exist anymore. Like I have no right in expressing my feelings now that I know what I know about this person. Pretty much regarding my ex it went that far that I started thinking he might have an antisocial personality disorder. Because I still cant understand how one minute you love another being with all your being and then you wake up one day, dump your gf/bf and move on as if nothing ever happened. I begged him in 3874493893528 ways to talk to me about "how, why, when" did he go from loving me greatly to not caring bat shit about me. Silent treatment is what I get. And I am trying to soothe my rage and thank god to drugs its helping. Because the pain is so big the only thing that would help me get better is vengeance. Since I have overcome some things I thought its not even possible to overcome, I understand things way better and it does make me a bit better because I am not lost then in a feeling or a situation with another, I really really tried almost everything. That is why this year I decided to stop doing whatever I was doing for the last 3 years because I was close to people who are master of hiding and shaming negative, unpleasant feelings (Christians, Hare Krishna, general spiritual community). So I started turning back from things that hurt me and I did collapse at the end. Because I was struggling with being authentic. I always strove to be authentic and an unintentional mirror to others but since nobody liked that I adjusted myself to society a lot. But this years things changed since it was all too much for me. A lot of things that I started with completely different attitude failed. I remember going back to high school with a completely different attitude, so different it made the whole experience absolute fun. But thank to "God" people working at school were my mothers copy-paste (meaning I am invisible and on mute - nobody hears me or cares for me). Of course I found out that me being changed helps me nothing. After 3 months in "high school) I was exhausted. I felt so stupid. I changed and for what? To only see through people and understand them before they opened their mouth. It is a bit easier because around people I'm not uncomfortable anymore because I see through them and its a bit boring because people are predictable its boring. I decided to let my anger be free as it were peanut butter jelly cookie Oreo sandwich. I do not effing care, I am letting in out, it is a part of me, it is me. Anger kicks in when there is too much pain. It is like a defense system. Protecting you. Because if anger wouldn't kick in and you were covered with all that sadness and pain the chances are you wouldn't survive. Anger is pains cover emotion. It covers pain. So to say from my point of view, yes it is easier to be mad at my ex because he left me in a dark not knowing or understanding why and what happened (though I have my story and I know it might be the true version but his behavior when he left me just like that made me nuts because that's my parents behavior). So I started letting that anger out. Since I am not so estranged with anger it wasn't difficult. But I have fear using its ABS system way to much and I dont like it. Plus I smoke and that makes me understand more and calms me down which lately I dont like because I know emotions need to be expressed but firstly accepted. Like that Oreo sandwich. I want to let way more anger in effective way until I feel like doing so. But the thing that puts me on a rat rage is still not understanding people. Because I dont believe that a parent does not know that abusing your own child might end up in that child suicide. Parents ignorance can be incredible and for me that is a choice they make. To put themselves before their children. There are some thing that one cannot overlook. You have to consciously decide that this is too much for you and you wont deal with it. Like for instance Teals mother. I dont care where she lived, the childhood she had ... if you start seeing weird things but always choose to push them away ... it is a choice that you become before your child. I am either a genius and my IQ is off the roof or people choose to put themselves first no matter what. If its right in front of your nose, what the fuck are you doing pretending it is not there? I know that this part is keeping me in pain - anger love relationship but there is truly no other evidence to see. I know people have their patterns, I see them, I see their triggers, I get it. But at the end of the day abusing a child is a conscious choice. You cant be 33 years of age and cant be aware of your body being in a rate rage and hitting a small human being. If one blacks out and doesn't remember that then its a whole another story. Just like with my ex. It his choice to dump me like garbage and never care for me again. I truly thought we were friends. Close. So if he does not have an antisocial personality disorder he is just doing whatever his mother taught him. But still. I am very raw in explaining people how I feel and what I desire. Meaning a 2 year old would understand me and even my therapist is surprised how well do I see inside myself. So when he keeps ignoring me even with his texts where he says nothing (like politicians do) it just makes me go nuts. This is why I am no longer in touch with him and honestly he is lucky. I started bugging him about what happened, he kept telling me nothing and then one day I just left him alone. Pretty much he won all over again. Even writing this down I can feel rage coming out because I cant understand how can one be so cold hearted. If its not a choice then I dont know what it is. So when it comes to a situation where I know that a person will be my mother ignorant copy-paste behavior I instantly start shaking. It make me bangs their heads to the wall because I can see the satisfaction when they fuck you over. Pretty much but I dont go there and dont even intend to. It is not effective in making me better just worse. But I know this, if I weren't smoking they would put me in a mental institution because understanding people as I said makes me feel isolated. Its like : yeah okay I get it, xy person was little their childhood was this and that which perfectly explains their behavior, this is why the other this xy person said or did whatever they did. When this thought goes through my head there is relief because there is understanding. But ... the second thing that goes through my head is: oh I was sexually, mentally, physically abused, nobody ever listened to me, I always had to do things that adults told me to do, my wishes never mattered and look at me not raping children because I was abused, oh look at me not shaming others because I know how it feels, oh look at me etc. Why can I and others cant? CHOICE Or if I find out I am super smart than that might help. I remember Radhanath Swami wrote in one of his books that life leads you where you want it to lead you. Or something similar. Because I never understood how come do I see people so good and how come have I excelled in my inner reflection but the fact is since I know for myself I have been asking WHY? Not as in "Why is this happening to me" but I wanted to know why people behave the way they behave. It never made sense to me. It felt like they are not really smart so stupidity kicks in. But that was never enough. I really wanted to know where all of this comes from and it did reveal to me all this years. And it still is and it will continue. Oh my did I write so little ... I dont know if anything helped you but bare in my anger covers pain because there is too much pain. Anger in this case is like safety valve. I hope this "essay" helped you in any way. Oh to add ... the last thing I would want to do when overcoming pain is being grateful for the experience. Its like I'm fucking myself in a really bad way. I didn't overcome pain and I am already forcing gratefulness on me. Na-a. No effing way. It shall come on its own. This gratefulness is some new age shit people make themselves believe in. When I see people talking about being grateful about something, 95% of the time its fake. Its just something they read on internet and now they are forcing themselves. You could see that by their nervous body postures and bubbling eyes. But it makes me laugh so I guess there is something good in people telling themselves lie.
  7. SnuggleBug

    If you like it its cool.
  8. SnuggleBug

    Sounds perfect "number 3". Dont worry about country I live in.
  9. SnuggleBug

    Wishing you luck. But I'm fine with living in a green country. How can such a beautiful country have so many dead people its out of my understanding. Names dont matter.
  10. @YOD I find it really brave for you to admit that you dont have the "back" to kill a living being to satisfy yourself. Also I dont really understand what is wrong with eating a dead animal, white sugar or dandelion. Because at the end of the day a true spiritual person can regulate their body temperature, can hibernate, does not need food, does not need water and so on. Buon apetite!
  11. SnuggleBug

    Oh my I stumble upon vegan recipe kingdom! 🤩
  12. SnuggleBug

    I have no immediate plans because I have been doing things I was expected to do all my life and now I'm exhausted. So I want to figure out how to do the things I want to do. Though I have been doing things I loved doing but it felt like I'm a spoiled brat or something so I really need a longer stop at a bus station to eat, drink, take care of myself and talk to my therapist who understands things at my level. Basically what I'm doing is thinking is this softer or harder to do. And if its softer I do it. I wanted to do something like this long ago before I heard for Teal but of course I had no back up telling me it is okay because one has to do something in life. Revenge (no not on my parents or family) is the second things occupying my brain 25/8 and it doesn't go away even if I understand all aspects of it. I know I can outsmart myself and lure people legally or illegally. I had this "luck" and was a part of a car - motorbike crash. They were drunk, heavily drunk, without lights in the middle of the night, but because he was a business owner and knows people he got away with it. Evidence was manipulated and until I am alive, I have no right in owning anything (car, a place to live, phone ...) and when I get a job my paycheck will be heavily reduced. Anything above 500 euro is not mine. Which means I will be living at my mothers place FOR EVER. With no money of course. So whatever plans I make it does not matter because I am not able anymore to meet those plans. I want to go to school but it isn't for free. If I get a job I cant pay for school because my paycheck is so reduced. If I want to get a job I have to have an education which I dont. To get an education I need money, to get money I need (do you see the circle?). So if I want it or not I am stuck in life badly. I could have wishes, plans, tons of it, but nothing to make anything true. So stagnating is my plan. And while stagnating I hope to figure something out because this isn't life. I cant really tell you more because there is nothing to tell. If one gets suicidal at the age of 11, then you know that person was a living dead. This is why I feel strongly like I had no childhood nor teenage youth. Because I was dead. I mean you could see me sitting in class but it was a ghost. Things started turning after the of 23. So you have at least 13 years of me not being. I dont know. If you feel you didn't have much suffering then cool. What do you do in life?
  13. SnuggleBug

    Jesus is cool like Teal is. Followers are the ones who are a bit confused. I have no idea what happened to her kids since she divorced way before my father (at least I think so). Her kids are older than me at least for 10 years so they were my today's age when it happened, so way older than me back then. They beat their own children (her gran kids), love money, materialism, dont even respect their own mother. What I mean by that is that when I am invited to come for a lunch by my father (they are orthodox and they praise A LOT of saints so we gathered and praised that guy that baptized Jesus) I dont arrive after lunch, I dont arrive in the middle of the lunch, I dont yell, run around the house, drink in front of a TV like her kids do. I laugh at them in front of their face a lot. But I have a face of a very very good and naive girl so they dont understand my laughs. I am so extremely content and grateful to have a face like this. I am there because I like to be with my father and talk to him and learn new traditions. I am so relieved that her family and she does not make me anxious, nervous or anything that I would listed as a negative feel, anymore (I really struggled big time). I am very proud and content that I manage to behave like a mentally stable adult while people older than me ... act like they, well it is like they did not have a mother nor a father. Seeing situations like this makes me think hard. Because there HAD to be something in my childhood that didn't turn me into that. I am not saying I respect my parents 24/7 but some things you just overgrow. And it makes me feel that my parents did something very "right" that I managed to arrive where I am today. Well society is not my fan since I do not fit in but at least I dont marry drug addicts or man who beat my children, cheat on me, go to the nightclubs. I rather vent on Teal Swan forum and be authentic as I can.
  14. SnuggleBug

    I am also wondering the same to be honest since no one else of course besides me would survive that. But there are way worse stories than mine out there. You know it is better for my parents to not be together, they function better like this. But my fathers "woman" destroyed her own family (I met them and it is a story) and then mine. What I dislike about her is the fact that she is emotionally dead (I am still searching for people with a functioning heart and brain but I guess its tough) and never smiles and when she talks its like someone is about to die of boredom. She is so boring and small. She is so pathetic at times I feel sorry for them both but hey, it is their choice I guess. Oh you and your God 😁 I like Jesus, he made some good point. But Christians are still to this day confused. Determinedly being good has nothing to do with Jesus. Oh and my country is one of the smallest but we are still (I think) among leading countries with suicides and alcoholics. Lets say you have a city here near me with approximately 3.000 people. On this small area you have I think 3 or 4 big shopping centers (at the edge of the city 2 new centers opened so lets say 6 all together) and beside that you have stuff like Hofer, Lidl, Eurospin and more. We are big materialists (we are known for: cutting down trees that are 100, 200 years old - they did that to build a shopping center, and killing animals like wolves and bears to regulate them because we are to dumb to know animals regulate themselves) but you will always hear how nobody has money. And those cent res? Always full in a city with 3.000 people with no money. It is a country of stupid, pathetic dicks on two feet. I think we are even dumber than Americans were supposed to be but we have a lot of smart scientist kids so we compete with Japan in suicides and brains. Though our country has way less people than New York City does (not even half of a half).
  15. SnuggleBug

    Haha you make laugh, I like that 😁 Well okay, to be more accurate, I feel like I lost all of my childhood and youth. And at the same time I feel "stuck" (not really stuck because I like it like this) in my childhood and then teenage years (that was meant by using the word youth). Though I don't mind acting as one (child, teen). I kind of don't and cant care anymore because of the feeling that I lost something. It is like I am trying to fill the wholes while others are having families or some boring jobs and then there is me bungee jumping, night exploring, playing with kids etc. It would be really something to do all of this with someone else but I guess where I live people died before the age of 20. That is a really good idea to spend that money on but "sadly" I do not receive money anymore. You know I am above 18 and not important anymore. Hilarious but sad because it is true. He (my father) should be ok I guess. He was beating the shit out of me when I was little, he cheated on my mother, he lives with that woman in our home, emotionally dead like my mother, we don't talk about emotions, their expression of love is telling me to oppress my feelings even if they know I was in a mental institution because of it and suicidal since the age of 11. But ... One day (a year ago) when I told him that he either opens up to me or he is dead to me, he did cry and apologize for everything and said stuff I always wanted to hear from a father, he really does try harder now ... Mother would never do this, it is always her before me. But I can feel how he is not satisfied and does not approve things like me not having a job or education. Well I was too busy being invisible and suicidal since I was a child and one needs half of lifetime to overcome that. But even when I had a job his reaction wasn't as I would want it to be because if you are not satisfied with something you better be fucking happy when whatever you wish for happens. His thoughts and feelings are way louder and seen by me more than he thinks. I see it and feel it better than he does I'm sure of it. Because I'm not running away from it. All in all I have the best relationship with him that I had since forever. It can go the same for my mother as she does try but is too blind. You know what is weird? When I firstly asked the question about my birthday and re-read the question it felt estranged. And it felt as if its going to be passed. Also because I haven't found anywhere any logical explanations for it and number 3 has been following me literally everywhere. And about me valuing myself I feel like I value myself mostly out of anyone. I feel like I see myself way better (meaning in a better light) than anyone. And at the same time I am capable of admitting and showing my lesser "good" parts and be confident with those parts. In the past this came off as being a stuck up. But eventually I saw that people cant handle people who act confident, believe in themselves, question things, life ... Though all of this is a pretty new thing to me since I was led to believe by society that you cant just believe in yourself and be confident about your good or lesser good parts or act as a confident person. I still feel that one has always to say something against themselves because that's how society is. But this year I kinda went crazy and lost it because I have had it with people and their dead emotions and miniature conscious big enough for them to think they are in charge. Since I switched channels and stopped this shit that people do (everything that is not authenticity) and started to be authentic I have lost every single soul. Okay mother and father are still here. This is why I was "Woah" and "Oh my effin God" when I heard for Teal about 7 years ago but sadly at the time I couldn't care less. She kind of makes me sane also but since she is a spiritual teacher from USA that really does not help me. So I have my therapist who I know understands me because when she speaks to me its like she is reading my thoughts. And it feels so good to be understood I cant even tell you.