The consequences of growing up with extreme tics.
Hi. New member. Very big fan of the content Teal Swan puts out. It boggles my mind how useful and good her content is. Incredible. Really incredible.
Seeing as this is her forum i was really interested about enquiring about a certain aspect of my childhood that i never really got a straight up answer to my "condition". No one really seemed to pay too much attention to it. Despite the apathy in (it's purest form) from the professional spectrum. The exact opposite was true of it's absolute significance to my peers as a child. I moved schools at grade 3. Typically i am assuming ofcourse, it would take a while for a kid to get settled in and then he'll have friend and be used to it. Eventually.
However the first time i went to class, i had already developed these tics and on my first day at the new school. Everyone had their eyes on me as the kids are always curious about a new comer. As soon as one person saw a tic which i was trying to hide. Which didn't go so well.
It started with a blink, a child seeing it and second guessing what he saw. Then a few moments later the same thing happens. People begin to catch on. Eventually there is a frenzy, I'm 32 now and teachers back then zero understanding. And on many occasions have laughed with the class. That was the first day. But it never faded away. Blinking was the first, then came groans,neck stretching, doing spastic faces, looking up, sticking my tongue, grimacing and it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to have multiple going at a time. I also developed a walking one where i twisted my foot. Almost like strong compulsions. However after a bit of inner work i am correlating a lot of this into the way my parents treated me. This may seem funny to people but, me saying i have tourrettes. Get's me off the hook from being laughed at. Do you get how that can fuck with you? So many times, one on ones. Kid's would ask, what's wrong with you. Honestly? I would say,"I don't know, they just say tics and it's stress and not involuntary" Where they were getting is, you mean there is NOTHING wrong with you but you're acting retarded?(excuse the language but this is what i was told). They were saying. So you can help it but you're still going this? Why? I of course didn't know. Whic practically to them meant i deserved to be bullied because i'm not "protected" by an illness that teachers can get behing a cohesive cause like "don't make fun of the handicapped" there was no category for me. One of a kind and treated as such.
I've just finished watching this video which is titled Building Walls to Keep Pain... IN -Teal Swan- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SutayVe_DFo
and it absolutely blew me out of the water. I crossed of so many of those descriptions of the causes of the walls. Which prompted me to want to seek some more answers or closure on some of the details of my childhood. Which i have begun to describe above. Primary school was hell, the torment and teasing never eased and i was seen as a vile person that should be looked down upon. I couldn't friend anyone. Not even if it were a movie and a kid goes to a new school and then finds the "misfits". I couldn't find a fit anywhere. There were so many days that was just do demeaning and demoralising. As these tics just kept ripping down nearly every moment where i would be laughed at. Intensities would fluctuate. I had a taste for soccer at a young age and i had some real talent. The kind of talent where when people were on the field with my they'd take a shot and the look at me to see if i thought it was ok. They openly saught my opinion and rated it highly and respected me. The polarity gave it soooo much meaning. It became my life. And i always wanted to be a professional and i got good enough to play in the best league in my age group for the state. I'm from Australia.
My father, it felt like he needed me not to want to believe or want to be a professional. You know those dinner parties when you're a kid and a grown up asks you what you want to be. That would happen from time to time as we'd have guests over for your christmas's or easters. Everytime that question got answered i would answer "soccer player". Without fail my father would laugh, and would go into a tirade that i can't because i'm not good enough! As i would express my extreme feelings against this my mum would jump in and then accuse me for being argumentative or aggressive, then they would tag up and laugh at me. Further demeaning me. I remember one time one of the guests prompted me to speak as my father had just told me to stop talking. She prompted me to keep going. I was 13 at the time and promped to start saying that i feel that they don't listen and tears just came out of NOWHERE and i wasn't ready for that! Crying at dinner party? Get it together Chris. So i pushed it down, and tried to be stoic.
My parents everytime i mentioned this or raised arguments they would respond by mocking me and laughing at my point of view and really calling me out for being an egoist and all the stuff Teal Swan mentioned in the video..
Like the "i did all of this for you" how many times i would hear this. Or i would hear from my parents friends all the time, and they would all chime in together and say stuff like. Chris you really better get those tics in order, the girls are all going to laugh at you!, oh yes they really are. What is wrong with you my dear?
My father worked hard to provide and as he created the story that he was underappreciated. When i was 4 years old I passed a statement where i said that he didn't work. My father immediately went silent, then he yells at my mum saying "look! look what he's saying! He's saying i don't work! He's SAYING I DON'T WORK". Then my mum would come to me and tell me to say sorry to my dad as i hurt his feelings. So i hesitantly go because it's a little frightening at this point. I say sorry.
he says resentfully, "yeah" and then put his face right in mine and yelled at the top of his lungs and i remember what he said at 4 exactly. "YOU WILL NEVER BE A "INSERT TRADE I DO", YOU DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE". He honestly believed he was a patient man. When in reality he would probably blow up, like completely blow up screaming at the top of his lungs in a...restaurant or at a dinner party, we could be out in public. In fact, once when i got lost when i got found i got a public beating in the middle of the city plaza!!! The WHOLE plaza just stopped and looked on as this happened for a good 15 seconds as he grabbed me and started kicking my behind like those muay thai fighters kick coconut trees and break them. I was about 8 at this time. A lady pulled his arm back and said, "excuse me" he replied. "look, this is MY child. And i will do what in want with him"
He would blow up anywhere and every time it NEVER got easier as you constantly get humiliated and at the end of the day. It would have been all my fault! If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have been angry. I made him that way.
Needless to say he yelled to me "YOU WILL NEVER BE A "INSERT TRADE I DO" quite frequently which i always though. Good! If i'm EVER that i will KILL MYSELF. (i do now!) Not enough that he worked really hard, he would invite people over, pay people to come and speak to me that it's too hard to be a professional soccer player and i should be smart about it, etc etc. Every time it would just undermine me. Not was i weird enough, i was constantly trying to get my selfesteem up i would get people telling my NOT to go for something that to me was the most meaningful thing to me in the world. It meant acceptance, respect and it was a fun game, especially when you're good at it!
Regardless, high school was better and all my friend now are still from high school. Haven't gotten much new friends and have an opiate addiction. At 16 i started doing drugs alcohol and that automatically made me feel OK. Like for a while i didn't have to worry about my obvious inadequacies because everywhere i go people look at me funny. Imagine all way through highschool. There is a cute girl i have a crush on, we lock eyes and we lock eyes. I am doing a spastic face with my tongue out. That type of humiliation i feel is on par with having a period with white pants for a girl and getting caught. Humiliation was a magnet and at times like those, i can feel my heart sinking into itself right now about it. All it feels is damn hopeless. I have many times pondered and quit nervously so, i doubted i could have a girlfriend, drivers liscence because at one point i was convinced there was something wrong with me. That i was mentally retarded and as soon as i grew older it would appear and i would be put in the right place. Because i felt i didn't, i didn't belong with the mentally challenged folk but i didn't belong with the normal people and was shunned by everyone. The amount of self pitty, shame, anger, resentment. It's wreaking havoc in me.
I never got diagnosed with tourettes because these were "voluntary". That's what's mind blowing. I would
*Shake head, left/right/diagonally right or left, up or down.
*Stick tongue out
*grimace, close eyes
*do multiple, twitch, blink, shake head diagonally groaning a fake word/sound ..."agawwww" a going up gawww going down.
*I had a specch problem and my tongue sat in a place as my "tongue was too long" and to this day pushed my teeth out so i have a huge gap in my teeth. So feeling love, and being open, whilst i am naturally that. The part where i need to heal and improve has just got soooo much going on i don't know how to untangle it. And when i've gotten close there is just something that i am UNABLE to let go of. I don't want to as if i'm letting myself down. Because after all, i am not a soccer player the one thing which meant the world to me and I am doing the job my father said i could never do. And for 10 years i worked with him which was another hell. He would explode for dropping a pencil, and would humiliate me in front of everyone. It really got to the point because they convinced everyone they were the victim of my existence and they had their wraps in how and what i did by getting involved and speaking with whoever i tried to get involved with. If it was a football club and i told him. He would come when i'm not there to the president, the coach, maybe the players i know would be there and tell them stories about me and how he is worried about me. In this particular instance i was 26 years old and it was at a football club i went to enjoy a beer with after training. Not to serve me alcohol. He would impose himself anywhere when he saw fit, completely humiliates and undermines me and only really is acting towards his interests at this point. Always feeling i'm at the point of rage where i feel i could kill him. This was not a unique feeling. I would feel this once or twice a week. Of really meaning to kill and hurt him. Especially when i was younger. When he would impose his physicality to argue, get his point across. I would swear when i was older i would return the favour.
If anyone is crazy enough to actually read this, thank you. I would love to hear whatever you feel may be useful.
To the rest. I don't blame you, i probably wouldn't read it myself. I totally wouldn't.