I'm sorry that you have to go through that. I can't even imagine what that would be like to experience that kind of pressure. It's like celebrities in society are commodified and treated as both super-human and sub-human at the same time. Either way, it's dehumanizing.
But I really hope that you continue to share more on your experiences with the emotions and thoughts that come with being suicidal. I am someone who observes my emotional state a lot, I like to share that observation to help others understand their inner world's better. But being suicidal is a blindspot of mine because I've never truly felt that way. So, I don't know what the internal experience of being suicidal is like.
I often wonder if it is similar to when someone wants to hit reset on a video game because the situation that they find themselves in is too difficult for them to see a way to navigate out of. So, perhaps hitting the reset button is the only clear solution. Or perhaps people have to struggle every day with the same problems, and they just get too tired to continue the struggle. Or perhaps it's a sense that they can't cope with existence and the passage of time and all the losses and changes that it entails. It's something that I try to relate to, but I cannot fully.
So, it's so important that an astute observer of internal experiences like yourself knows what being suicidal entails and what causes it. People desperately need that help.