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  1. wildwestrom

    I doubt me wanting to die has anything to with connection to other human beings. The whole idea of so called "social isolation" being bad for you sounds completely ridiculous from what I've learned. I am ultimately alone, every situation I am in, no matter how many good friends I have, no matter how great of a romantic relationship I cultivate, I'm just interacting with aspects of myself. Also all my friends are lazy shits who couldn't care less about self actualization. Why would I want friends like them when I can listen to teachers who are already at where I want to be? I used to be so sad that I didn't have a girl or that all my friends are living really far away from me. Now I'm like, good riddance. They weren't going to help with anything anyway. They would just suck me deeper into the strange-loop illusion that is reality. The point I'm trying to make is that, the first few times I felt like killing myself felt really serious, but they never were. I've been getting waves of feeling suicidal since over 6 years ago and more. I've had times where I've got the knife pointed right at my heart and I've tried to shove it through my ribcage but obviously I'm still alive now so I was and still am physically incapable of really going through with it. The only thing that was real was the feeling. Right now I don't want to physically hurt myself so don't call the fucking cops, you'd just be wasting your time. You know what I think is the reason I'm still dependent on my parents? I understand now that my negative emotions don't come from the situation of being independent. It's because having money, a job or business, my own place, and a life outside my room, would only complicate things and keep me away from what I'm really after. Which are these 10 things by the way, all of which I resonate deeply with. I realized the truth and it took me doing the internal arson process after talking to my mother on the phone. That truth is that the only way to get what I want in life is to go straight towards the most emotionally difficult thing. This isn't endurism, because with that you're still avoiding even more painful things than the pain you're purposely subjecting yourself to. I've been avoiding it for all my life, and the contrast in my life has made me ask for a solution so much that it took 6 fucking years to get me from there to here. Now I'm just going to face all the demons head on. Update: Okay, some things have changed. Take that “one rule for acing life” video with a grain of salt. I don’t care how you get into alignment, it’s fine however you do it. I made the mistake of assuming “emotionally difficult” meant “deprive myself” or “run straight towards pain.” It’s much more nuanced than that. I know that running away from pain isn’t the answer, but that doesn’t make the opposite necessarily true either. I’m not feeling guilty about receiving support, nor am I feeling like I’m not pushing hard enough. I’m gonna spend the next few days focusing on raising my vibration. Thank you everyone for reflecting back to me. I understand what it means to accept where you are.
  2. Fuck this shit is painful to read. It almost seems like it's real though.
  3. wildwestrom

    I feel exactly the same way. It's like how I feel like killing myself every other week or so even though my life is technically great. Of course I have a great life on paper so I shouldn't feel bad at all right? Well there must be something else going on since it seems my external circumstances have no effect on my emotions. I've been digging through to try to get to the root of it.
  4. Completion process hasn't been working so well So I got the completion process awhile ago but I sold it because I didn't find any use in it. Is there another process that is just as effective at deep emotional healing? If not, then maybe I'll give it another go. I just couldn't take anything seriously. The images didn't come, it's like I had to shape them into being myself. Nothing felt real and I had trouble remembering all the steps each time I did it. It's also not like I can do one step and take a look at the book for the next one. That would take me out of my meditative state.
  5. wildwestrom

    Ok, well the part of me that doesn't like having to do jobs that don't give me drive and purpose and likes lots of free time certainly likes the setup currently. There's another part of me that says "my dad's gonna fucking die, start making cash already!" (My Dad isn't on his deathbed, but I feel like this could be taken at any moment.) Okay, I'm creative. I'm practicing. I'm creating. I'm getting better. I'm putting my work out there, but it's not good enough to monetize it. I wouldn't buy anything I've made. I don't want to go back to college because I don't have a clear direction and I feel like I'd be wasting my time and money in the form of debt no less. I don't want to take another meaningless job like a restaurant owner. I like being supported because I have the freedom to pursue any random topic I wish. I love not having to worry about paying bills and showing up at a certain place at a certain time every weekday to do something I don't care about. I feel like I have to use the time I have being supported so I can support myself before the support is taken away. There it is. I'm afraid my support will be taken away, at a time where I wont know how to support myself yet. I'm deeply afraid of that scenario. I'm also afraid of being supported, but having more and more difficulties and annoyances tacked on as punishment for not contributing to the world or something. I know this physical world is an illusion, but I already tried to escape it by spiritual ascension, waiting for the samvartika fire at the end of the yuga. That didn't work. If the world is meaningless symbols and props that we assign meaning to, then obviously the meaning I've assigned every situation I'm in right now is about me figuring out how to give value to others, because apparently that's the only way to receive value and not get a bunch of karmic debt. I've felt like I was an obligation before. I know how much money it takes to raise a child. It's like putting you money all in one stock hoping it will rise to the top only to see it underperforming, and telling yourself that some day it will work, some day it will pay off. (Or just lie and say you love it, give me a fucking break. Who actually loves?) Well fuck, I'm not paying off and I feel incredibly guilty about it. I want to be giving! Then at least I can say I deserved to get the nice things I have! I want to give!
  6. wildwestrom

    You're all the way in Macedonia though... Buy me a ticket? lol
  7. So you had some sort of non-physical sexual intercourse with what you perceived as the energy of three different succibi? I'm just trying to understand what you're saying. Questions: What are the risks to doing this? Does it require any sort of replenishing of energy or cleansing afterward? Can this only be experienced on the astral/etheric plane? Are succubi and incubi the only non-physical entities that you can have sex with? Is it worth it in the end? How does this parallel to my original questions?
  8. I don't understand what you mean by "show authenticity." I've shown more here than I show to most people in real life. Did you feel wronged when I said I was "gauging your reaction?"
  9. Why am I a psychopath now? Please explain.
  10. When people say you should accept who you are in any moment, I immediately think "yeah right." I'm not going to pretend everything is okay with me. Sure it looks better if I compare it to other people's lives, but it's nowhere near where I feel like I should be. A problem will never be solved unless we know there's a problem, but some people say that we can't move forward until we accept where we are. Well what the hell does "acceptance" of where we are even look like? Why would this acceptance be any prerequisite to moving towards something better? If I know I'm dependent on my parents but I want to become independent, how the hell is accepting that I am dependent going to bring me closer to independence?
  11. I was just trying to make you feel good and gauge your reaction. I can see that you love to play devils advocate on this forum, and although many here are annoyed whenever you roll by, I can understand where you're coming from and perhaps you have useful things to contribute so I'll be nice to you while you're here. People don't come to Teal Swan because they're idiots, misguided, self-centered, or anything else you could say. It's because they found a solution to their problems, or the closest thing to it, through Teal's words.
  12. I wish you love and light. You are a beautiful soul and deserve everything you've ever desired. You are needed on this planet for you have many great and unique gifts. You restore my faith in humanity. How does this make you feel? Feel free to just pause for a second to see how this makes you feel.
  13. wildwestrom

    All I can say is thank you for reflecting this to me. Of course I want to believe in certain ideals again. I'm glad I put my honest raw thoughts about this though, rather than pretend I see women as more than pieces of meat by default. I'm fully aware that I'm way more fucked up than I realize. I even know some of the places I picked up these mentalities (porn addiction, past negative experiences with women, observing breakups, divorces, and failed marraiges). I'm in the process of adopting new beliefs and mindsets that serve myself and others better, but I'll always be honest about how I feel, no matter how fucked up. Edit: Hey wait a second, I don't actually believe women are just pieces of meat. I do however believe that they're sexual beings. Furthermore, of course I know it's not all about me (after all there is no separation). Didn't I say I want to give the gift of orgasms? I'm very serious about that. My first priority in sex is to GIVE first. Even if she's hellishly ugly I'll make her cum if it's the last thing I do!
  14. wildwestrom

    I think about it like this. The long-term, deep, loving relationship, might be my ultimate goal, my "main course" so to speak. I know the main course will come eventually and with perfect timing, perhaps in my 30s or 40s, but that doesn't mean I don't want a few appetizers while I wait. Also, I only have one life to live, I want to experience as many different kinds of women as possible. Monogamy to me seems like eating the same thing every single day for the rest of my life, I would rather die than subject myself to that. I like emotional connection, but it's not essential. My first time was not so good, I didn't like her personality or her musk, but I didn't have to see her again and it was still pretty fun. I have one very close friendship, dare I say a platonic soulmate, like we planned to meet each other before we incarnated. I'm very grateful knowing him and I want nothing but the best for him. It is very important. The idea that someone can have sex and not orgasm is probably the saddest thing I've ever heard. Worse yet, this is a reality for a huge percentage of women. I want to give the gift of orgasms, because what better gift is there for me to give? (rhetorical question) It's her first, even if she doesn't reciprocate the first time it's still quite fun for me. I'll give an extreme example to illustrate why I ask this. Let's say my strategy is to send a dick pic every time I get someone's number. Either they're into or they're not, no in between, and it's quick. I do however feel a little responsibility for hurting someone else by doing this.
  15. Your first inference is incorrect, I already validated my feelings and I don't care that much if I'm looked down upon (at least I think I don't care). Your second inference contains two inferences in one. Yes, my feelings were very uncomfortable coming here, but I was not looking down on others. Redpillers tend to think others are delusional for believing in things like unconditional love (hence the red pill) but I also know there might've been something deeply flawed with my thinking, no matter how much of their philosophy is based on evolutionary biology and observed behavior. Yes I was coming for gentle support, but I knew very well that it might not help at all. I just wanted straight answers, no need for that now though. Is there a [SOLVED] tag on this forum, like on stackexchange?