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zenloveflower9

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  1. zenloveflower9

    50

    i'd be willing to lose everything i have if it would guarantee a (vegan) community that offers me unconditional love and win-win situations kinda like teal has...close to nature too. like close to a beach and a nature park.
  2. i love climbing fences as a child, and once when i was about 9 i ripped my jogging pants right on my ass. i was with girl friends, so i was embarrassed enough as it is. however, i had managed to hide myself properly by running backwards to my home (i was in my backyard.) . i forgot that i had ripped them when i put the same pants another day with no underwear, and my guy friend pointed out to me frantically laughing that my butt was exposed. i turned super red and was dying of embarassment.
  3. i love fall season for cooking too cause i love spices and trying to bake new desserts. i made gooseberry (which is my new obsession) upside down crumble bars recently and i had to cook down the yellow gooseberries into a sort of jam first. my whole apartment smelled so good and even i went outside to smoke a joint, i could smell it outside and it smelled simply divine and delicious. reminiscent of caramelized sugar and a hint of vanilla... *.*
  4. i'm trying my very best, anxiously, to avoid my pain. but on the other hand, i don't think i can go on much longer like this. want to explore my shame and despair in order to avoid even more pain but ( i hate to admit it ) part of me doesn't want to. it's like the 'i cope with food, but raw food' lady from the second part of the 2018 NY workshop. i've thought of asking y'all if have insight or what you perceive from my previous reply, but truth is (and i'm having a hard time writing this, trembling) i don't want to fucking know. or at least, part of me is terrified of knowing. saying i want to know would be not totally true. and i think i may be ashamed of that.... *sigh*
  5. i've been struggling a lot with denial and deflection a whole lot this past year or so. deflection is a forte of mine. i can do it super intuitively and sharply. we did it constantly in my family environnement. no one will scapegoat me unless i let him/her, i swear. lol... nah it happens, but rarely. i'm fucking 30 years old and i've been working a fucking gas station/convience store for 8 years. i don't have a high school diploma. time passed quickly, and now i realize i don't want to be there for the rest of my life, i wish i could start an autonomous buisiness, but feel like i have nothing to offer. except showing people what they're fucking repressing emotionally, energetically. but who wants that? lol ... i'm not committed to life. the only thing is committed to truly is yoga practice. i'm afraid that if i don't feel my shame and despair, i will always stay in my fairly mediocre life. but i fucking hate pain. but i was severly emotionally abused, i feel like there's no way out and i will live like a fucking human doll my whole life. my ressources feel scarce. maybe i should talk to a CP about these subjects, because i know parts work, i use to it a lot before, but it's like chaos in my mind, protectors are going nuts and don't trust at me at all, no one will fucking talk to me. it's like me when i was younger hardcore refusing to open up to my mother. they don't feel safe, i don't feel safe. it's fucking hell. i hit a wall with parts work. i don't do it with the same curiosity and compassion i had sometimes before when i was at my wit's end. i escape everything, and meditation ,yoga and energy work help me to escape. but i'm brilliant in meditation and energy work and it feels relieving, so i don't want to stop. ehhhhh..... with meditation i've enhanced my energy work. i can fragment easier and send my emotional energies away. i can see and feel the energy now sometimes. before regular meditation, i was suicidal every 2 days... and now, i haven't felt suicidal in a while...but i don't feel much...... except anxiety and rage and sending my energy away from me. it's weird ... i'm a great dissociator. lol whatever...
  6. you're strong. i admire your strength. you will grow and learn from this attempt/experience...
  7. also, i've been really wanting to buy the on-sale frequency tarot deck...i feel very inclined towards divination but part of me hates it. like it's hokey-pokey stuff (i feel like it's ancestral beliefs/trauma talkin' to me... or wanting to deflect...i actually really like the concept of tarot and believe in it) ive always been claircognizant and clairsentient, but lately more clairvoyance and even more clairsentient with regular meditation practice, and ever since i put the "raise your vibration" painting on my cell screen. (that painting ain't no joke, folks, try it out!)anyway, does anyone recommend that i buy it? in your opinion, is it worth it? i kinda want to try reading for me and other people... and i really enjoy like Teal's frequency paintings. i check them out all the time.
  8. woah on point... i put the "raise your vibration" on my lock screen, my creative energy is off the charts (or at least, my usual chart) and i cant seem to be able to sit still. i've meditated a lot this week and haven't had an orgasm in a while. i actually became quite dizzy many times yesterday. i've been feeling more compassionate with myself and the theme of romanticism, well yeah that resonates with me. like some kind of kinship or a love story inside of me between two aspects, trying to protect and love each other. it feels better than the war between them that had been going on a while before this kinship. i know it's probably somewhat avoidant, but one aspect isn't comfortable talking about it's discomfort, i suspect, because it doesn't know how to get resolution...i think it feels softer for me to just accept that and to try being nice with it instead of trying to get to the bottom of things.
  9. I'm so humming more now. When the pandemic started in Canada, i quickly went and bought some vegan Eden Organics Kimchi-style sauerkraut. A big glass jar lasted me until yesterday. So good. Up until then, i've always made my own vegan Kimchi, i just felt kind of lazy. I enjoy the idea of consuming little organisms that are just waiting to help my organism lol. I would bless my kimchi and thank them. Felt like I was creating a world inside a world/jar. I would look at the glass jars for bubbles incessantly. It's really cool that it actually enriches the vibration of support and connection!!!! hehehehahaha loving it
  10. walking in nature or around trees connecting with people, animals and crystals sunbathing eating 'clean' and light (lots of big salads) trying new recipes smoking small amounts of weed (motivates me to clean) watching midnight gospel on netflix meditation yoga (hatha or yin) listening to crystal bowls sound baths contemplation in silence and darkness sometimes (3rd eye gets real active) writing or journaling changing routines
  11. what if i cant stop bypassing, suppressing and being in denial? i think a protector aspect of mine has stepped up, wont talk much to me. Im confused, secretly ashamed but cant really feel the shame. help! i think i maybe need time in silence... i cant seem to do parts work because i'm biased and so resistant in many ways...
  12. zenloveflower9

    Childhood Story

    I was obsessed with Sailor Moon! She was kind of a spacey, poor student who couldnt concentrate much on schoolwork , always late, loved eating, always getting shouted on by Luna, her cat sidekick (kind of a guardian angel) (and being diplomatic in response to the shouting), but a powerful fighter and great friend with seemingly a good sense of integrity and justice. surrounded by people always telling her what to do but protecting her somewhat. A nonchalant doll-like mother and a fairly absent father. Her boyfriend teased her a lot at first but ended up really loving her. Beh, i realize i'd really rather go watch a synchronization workshop instead of writing this lol I also really identified with Link, the lonely hero in the Zelda game...which i will ponder more on. seems very synchronistic, lol. And pokémon, which me and my best friend consider like a fucking utopia, a dream world, you know? Ahhhh, pokémon.... And Harry Potter!!!!!!
  13. I love Teal's frequency paintings! I have a soft spot for Kambo and Raven. I have Emotional Expression, Poised Assurance, Breaking through Barriers and Burgeon at home and it's powerful stuff. I really like all of them, but especially animal-themed ones like Kodiak Bear and the Dragon one (ausspiciousness). I bought Aether for my musician friend and feeling it's energy reminded me of past psilocybin experiences. Intense!
  14. zenloveflower9

    Southern Utah

    beautiful, magnificent. reminds me of road runner and wile e. coyote
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