closer

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  1. I kind of want to call you out on this, well mainly because I can relate. You: I am not satisfied, restless, I hope for my needs and wants to be met (workshop, romantic partner), how could someone possibly like me, nobody understands me, I am crazy, I would harm myself because the desperation is so strong (food), I am authentic, I am being pathetic, dramatic and so on. You fantasize about ufos, teleporting, winning lotery, angels or in other words universe having mercy and saving you. Your suffering is real but I think you have a mentality that if I suffer enough, universe will have mercy for me and then I will get what I want. Just like kids try to do that to their parents. The only difference is that parents can be conviced. I went through this cycle over and over again and at the end of it the answer to the question, who I am kidding, was - only myself. At the time I used spiritual concepts to fuel denial and reckless behaviours. I said to myself I want connection but in reality I was pushing against desperation. My actions would never reflect this desire and I would justify it by saying that nobody understands me, I have no value, I am depressed and so on. I tried to think my way out of situations and conceptualize my feelings for a long time only to realize that true awareness does not arise from thinking and analyzing and that only true awareness transforms our energy and lifes. I really hope you find your way. And all the best.
  2. I do that as well to wake up or sometimes I imagine myself as pure light and that works as well. I am not really afraid at this point just anoyed. I used to fight "the beings" and now I just leave them behind with the light trick. Even though I know how to cope, I am still curious about this.
  3. I am familiar with the scientific information. Thank you for the offer.
  4. I have these brain massages that feels like tingling or waves a lot. It is a very lovely experience. I think a lot and that often leads to a heavy feeling inside my skull especially combined with low emotions. So when I sit in to meditate that is when I get these brain massages. It does feel like a release of tension but it is also feels like a transformation of energetic state from low to higher. To conclude, I don't try to make much of sensations I get during meditations and take only their presence as a fact. If I get a resonating though about the experience I take it as my truth.
  5. Sleep paralysis Hello to whoever is reading this. Do any of you have experiences or spiritual understanding of sleep paralysis? I heard somewhere that it has something to do with lower astral. I don't have enough mental or emotional distance to discern anything on this topic. This whole thing is just so fucked up (feel free to share your sordid tales if you want). What do you even do with these experiences? What are they for?
  6. Hello I have really hard time functioning on a physical level too. What I found was that all my energy was and still is sustaining a too heavy load emotionally and mentally. Any attempt to do more always leads me to emotional breakdowns. Time after time my spirit showed me how anxious and tense I really was. For the longest I could not understand why I had resistance towards the things I wanted. After exploring this I found that I really wanted relief because I was constantly feeling this paralysis like tension related to fear. I did not feel safe at home so this fear makes sense to me. Basically this tension is my way of controlling things, like if I am tense then I am prepared for bad things. I don't know if this helps if it resonates or if you have something similar going but all the best to you.
  7. I guess I wanted to hack the universe for a moment there. I understand what you are saying about authentic actions being resistance free and feeling like a relief. Thank you for your reply.
  8. Changing what you do vs changing yourself Hello, do any of you have practical suggestions on how to separate changing your actions from changing yourself? Thanks