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About Cakimali

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  • Birthday 12/05/1988

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  1. Thank you, your perspective gives me comfort
  2. I've started feeling(willingly and have been met by a landslide of emotion wounds) and have been doing shadow work, reintegrating some parts of myself but the deeper i got the hopelessness got more intense and having panic attacks every day in tandem with it is making it excruciating. I've had 2 episodes of despair/panic attack/inability to cry, that wouldn't subside, and i couldn't sleep, which was the worst sensation i even felt in my life(even so that suicide came to mind as a way out). It was so strong an unbearable without any chance for relief(Watching Teals video on I want to kill myself and going through the process allowed me to cry and get out of it). And I am terrified to do shadow work again without a safety net(anti depressives). And have started using them so as to stop the daily panic attacks. So my question is: Can you do shadow work on anti-depressives, and by that i mean can you allow yourself to feel as deep as you need to integrate yourself or do they make such emotions out of your reach while you're on them?
  3. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the despair results from me not being able to take responsibility for my life.
  4. I've started doing shadow work a month ago. After an encounter with despair i could feel again. After a while i would stop feeling again then i would go down to despair again so i could feel. this went on a few times until i reconnected with my inner child who initially faced despair. After this i thought it would stop, that i have finally overcame numbness(by integrating my despair) and yet i keeps happening over and over again. Even on different topics it ends up with my being unable to feel. And everything his being worsened by panic attacks of which i came aware of 2 weeks ago. Doing despair shadow work with a panic attack on(cuz without feeling i cannot stop a panic attack) is nightmarish to say the least. My goal is to be able to feel all the time no matter what emotion without getting into anger or shutting off.
  5. If is normal(or possible) to fall to hopelessness and stop feeling every then overcome it have it happen again and again?
  6. Cakimali

    It think it was always present but masked underneath other wounds. The turning point was me healing a heavy wound i had. After i did it i was so happy, so uplifted and it lasted a while, felt like i was with myself and unafraid to be, like it was normal. The same night a friend came with a problem of braking up with his GF, and stayed for around 5 mins and left. I had REAL problem being myself with him, feeling and acting how i feel in his presence. It's a male friendship i modeled after my relationship with my father. I'm trained to shield him from his own negative emotions. And that means saying how i feel or acting how i feel so he wouldn't abandon me(he's my "best friend"). And a thought became conscious: I don't control my own life, he does, and my father, and my mother. I need to take responsibility for my life. But I am terrified and in so much pain and the worst thing is i am completely alone :'(:'(:'( .
  7. Cakimali

    Sorry for not replaying earlier. Had a really tough few days. I managed to regain my ability to feel(after accepting and not rejecting my emotions, but it took quite a toll on me). I came to realisation that the people who are controlling my life and the people who i'm afraid of are my parents. They are not with me atm, they are on a vacation which has allowed me to see and come to understand and release resistance to my relationship with them. I'm terrified of them and I didn't even know it. When i meditate on a nagging negative emotion that is always present with me(and that doesn't let me enjoy anything) i start to tense up, start to shiver, my muscles hurt. They are controlling my life by making a dynamic in which i'm not allowed to feel how if feel or express how i feel. My father trivializes my emotion by making jokes and laughing at how i feel or is completely detached. My mother doesn't know what to do, won't (can't) connect with me and is afraid of emotions. Both of them non-verbally demand i act in a transaction kind of way(i validate them and fulfill their other needs then i "can" get my needs met). This is an all-consuming wound which stops me from enjoying or concentrate on anything.
  8. I was doing shadow work(about the negative feeling that was with my for a VERY long time) and came to a realisation that somebody else controls my life which made me feel more afraid than i ever did. I had a panic attack first time in my life, and it lasted a little less than 24 hours at which point couldn't sleep, because my muscles were convulsing(all over). i was throwing up and every other bodily function u can imagine. I even had some suicide thoughts(didn't know how to end the pain and the fear) Finally a friend gave me a bromazepam, which helped me fall asleep. When i woke up it continued but somehow now i had the strength to calm myself(by making up my mind to return take responsibility for my life)and for the first time in years i felt peaceful(slugish and tired but peaceful). During the day a thought that i don't control it came back for a second and everything went back to the way things were. The worst part of this is i tried to convince myself like i did the 1st time, but i knew at the time it was not genuine. And i forced myself to accept it so it would stop. Now i hurt and betrayed myself and i can't feel anything(took me 2 years to work my way out of numbness) . I don't know what to do now, the fear is omnipresent but now i don't have the tools to work with. I'm cut away from my emotions. PLEASE HELP
  9. Cakimali

    Pozdrav, dobrodosao
  10. Cakimali

    Nije video
  11. Cakimali

    Thank you for reading it, it makes me feel a little less alone I remember reading another post about catharsis here just before i left to see my friend and thinking wow that's amazing I want that to happen, I hope it happens to me in my life. I was lucky enough to have found a person with whom i felt safe enough to express my feelings. Now I'm a different person, and I can't wait to get to know this new me! It's like watching Doctor Who's new regeneration And now I want to tell you i know it will happen to you as long as you're brave enough to want to express how you truly feel(even to people who will run away when you do and it will feel painful). You will summon into your life the person who will be understanding, who will want to know the real you and most of all will make you feel so safe to express, understand and feel yourself. I believe it!
  12. Cakimali

    Sad sam video First Eastern Teal Tribe Gathering. Izgleda zanimljivo, druzite se, radite shadow work, jedino sam malo uzdrzan kad je rec o veganskoj hrani . Sta vi mislite
  13. Cakimali

    Last night i had i believe my first cathartic experience. I knew i was close for days. it's like a growing storm at the edge of your awareness you know you are going to have to face and the clouds are gathering. Two days before the event i went out with some friends to celebrate a friends birthday. We got some beers and went down to the river. There a friend made a joint which i wasn't up for smoking but somehow i changed my mind without them doing more than asking if i wanned to partake. At this point I'd like to say that I'm not a person who hasn't smoked weed b4, in fact there have been month where i was frequent. Weeks leading up to it I was working on working out how i feel and acting how i was feeling but with moderate to little success. But that night i could see how i was disingenuous the better part of my life. I was not speaking my feelings but instead my feelings warped by fears(usually of the audiences reaction and abandonment).I knew i had fear of intimacy but to feel it, and understand it's manifestation on the base level was a frightening and disheartening experience... I managed to get the grasp(a bit) of saying and believing in my feelings but it was no where near the level u would need to function as a human being. I spent the next day trying to understand and running from it by distracting myself with movies. Right before i went to sleep i saw the next teal video came out (The Sacred Directive of Relationships) in which she said to use the contrast to decide what you need and want which i took to heart and realised i wanned more people in my life like one of the friends from the birthday who is a sincere and open person. The next morning a college friend i haven't heard from in months sent me a text to see what's new in my life. After a brief catching up he invited me to his place to hang. After i got to his house we immediately start about spiritual things including emotions. He suggested we get some weed, which i seconded and after that we shared a lot of things from our lives. Later in the evening his GF showed up and we ordered some food. When the food arrived she insisted i sit with them at their table(i wanned to eat at a different table) which i found overwhelming because it was too intimate for me. She reassured me in some way that made me feel accepted and completely at ease with it even as she took some food out of my plate .After the meal we rolled another joint and started talking about our thoughts and ideas. She inquired why didn't i try and find an open and loving someone with whom i could connect, to which i replied in a half joke that there is no reason for such a person to be interested in me. After a while the subject became our childhood, parents and emotions. I started to open more and more, and to look at things and understand them more seriously and told her about my parents, the way they rased me and conditioned me to function. Then she asked me a question: "if your life is a road and that road is one emotion, which emotion would it be?". I started to think and feel very intensely, she asked me is it happiness and automatically everything in me rejected such a notion. And only one thing made sense to me, which i told her: "Pain". . My eyes started to water up as i let myself feel it. A dreadful realisation suddenly filled me: "I am alone, i will forever be alone" (not in a romantic or sexual way, isolated from everyone in the world) . Despair overwhelmed me! Heavy blackness enveloped me... It was soul crushing! And then i heard her say in a loving and accepting voice: "You're not alone, how are you alone? You will find someone". She said it as if she actually believed it!? I couldn't understand it at first, I was confused . Then i allowed myself for a second to feel what she felt... The feeling of hope, of believing that you might not forever be alone broke me completely!! I started to sob uncontrollably seeing a white dot appearing inside all that blackness and starting to grow, getting bigger and so bright and loving. It was the best feeling i ever felt. For a while nothing else existed or mattered. I was with myself unconditionally, my attention undivided. I stayed like that for i don't know how long, and my friend and his girlfriend were having a good time, while i was with myself and i realised that life was continuing . After that i recognized i could feel again and more intensely than ever . I can see i don't react to some things that i did before, more paths in my life opened. I think I finally overcame despair I needed to share this with someone and if you stuck with me to the end thank you.
  14. Cakimali

    Hocemo li na srpskom ili engleskom
  15. Cakimali

    Caos Ranka, Ja je pratim 2 godine, privukla me njena iskrenost i istina i sve sto prica je na emotivnom i metafizickom nivou tacna i mnogo mi pomaze. Uci nas kako da se nosimo sa nasim emocijama, a to nisam imao nikoga u zivotu da me nauci, svi su od njih bezali i ucili me da radim isto. Da, sto se tice ovoga da ti fale ljudi sa kojima mozes da pricas a da se ne osecas kao da si stigla sa neke druge planete je super opis koji mislim da svi delimo