SilverKatie

Regret.. not loving deeper. Do differently... live life more. Stop trying to preserve things as strongly. Get a tattoo. I don't hold not being courageous enough against anything. Advice, breath you got this. Swim more. You got this.

Yayy!

What am I running away from and what I am rushing toward? I am rushing toward more of these questions, lol. I am running away from a specific element of my past. Specifically sharing a certain controversial part of my past. I am running from seeing the benefit of that. It feels good at first. Then this question kindof catches oneself in it. I am rushing toward understanding a certain phase in my life. One where I was healing.

What do I feel I am meant to do in this life? Something with my soul. Something about sharing my soul. Like soul food but something else. "Sell my soul?" no that doesn't feel right. Grasping at something new. Discover a new way to share my soul. That sounds intriguing. I love new ways of doing things. I could get on board with this.

If I knew I was going to die one year from now, What would I do? I would stop working. Then I would feel that feeling of "oh fuck," what relationships would I occupy my time with... I would make some type of spending plan for how I was going to waste my money or leave my belongings to once I die. I would start giving readings being able to stand by my truth, because why not. I don't think I would do any more awareness or soul searching work. I may become rigid, try to induce a metaling type of energy. I would travel, live life on the go. I would want an exciting end to life. Meeting a bunch of new people. I would ask my partner to join me. Which would be plausible. I would arrange my actions to help it be so he could move on more comfortably. Maybe I would send letters, maybe not. Maybe I would just send the personal diary ones. I would consider pregnancy... of some sort. Not in a twisted way, but in truly self loving way. I would be a lot more bold. Be more daring with public speaking. Most definitely pool resources together to go see Teal at a curveball event. Maybe... I would need to be in alignment. I would consider breaking up with my partner to be able to sleep with other people. But I would rather stay with him. I would try to purify as much as I could. Crying and being around water.

Something like I’m not doing anything wrong.

People emotional capacity and understanding.

Two times one where I was a kid and would go to my aunts house. She would give push pops. The kind that are wrapped in plastic. It was a bit like a toy. another is my nana growing up. Some reasonable of happiness.

People in authority

This workshop was sweet.

Being brave to be truthful.

I am running away from the catastrophe thinking of the inevitable death of those around me. My close friends, my mother, etc. I am running toward closing my own gap between unfulfilled desires that would leave my own death a tragedy. I am doing this because I am fighting for my life. A life that is worth living. Worth living even with the inevitable death of those around me.

I blame closed doors that I feel I have closed. I blame my actions and how they have limited me. I blame myself for not acting also.

I feel most alive when I am reminded of the true frightening nature of the world. Yes the fear is unpleasant but the effect is much like taking a good shower. I also feel most alive when I am in the flow and all these synchronicities occur. Exhilarating.

What works for me is to focus on the circle. Focus on what I am giving in the relationship. As a stepping stone to focus on what I want.