jm105

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About jm105

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  1. Thanks. I don't know how I can ever tend to my in-the-moment needs and also create such an elaborately fulfilling life that takes years of skills and so much throughout lifetime stuff. It feels horrible like "You're young, you've never had fun, and you can't really do anything you really want to do but maybe you can have some bitter lols in between playing out a life that is ultimately extremely sad whose purpose you have failed to fulfill. If you can still get out of bed."
  2. "True to yourself": I have some important decisions to make that will influence my life forever and I don't really know what to do, and I want to start making things happen now but I don't even have the experience to know exactly how I want to approach anything. I don't know how much to dedicate to pursuits that I could end up wishing I did or did not spend time on, and I feel like I have to choose between one sort of fulfillment or another. I can keep moving but I want to have a clear idea of what to do so I don't fuck everything up more stupidly than necessary. I suppose I could just start with living somewhere that has everything I need. I do have an idea of where that is. And then believing that I can have my own community and not play a role as a small, suppressed, shameful person. And embrace the idea of all social traditions in the dimension of their intent to allow people to get together and have fun which is foundational to what I've always wanted in the first place but on another level rejected. And not identify as an outsider and be an origin instead. And be an origin so good and righteous that shame wouldn't make sense. By the way, I am a man. I still feel like I will probably be resentful for the rest of my life, maybe I can still enjoy it, but I don't know. It feels like I chose to downgrade severely on the fun part of life in a way that damages fun forever. orthorexiaclub4everrrrrrrrrrrrr
  3. - I imagine that because all I have learned and experienced in all of this time is just a lot of disappointment and that I was misguided by my beliefs the entire time, so I feel like I have the knowledge of a 12 year old + how to live in a very different way, but I feel like because my youth was so empty and pathetic and so much of it just amounted to years of repetitive alone empty destructive sad disappointing frustrating time, instead of at LEAST having some kind of youth where perhaps I was troubled and stupid but at least I had the balls to take action other than lying in bed, which clearly yielded negative results for years straight and wasted so much time. - Lack of mirroring yes, emotional neglect probably, but I also just completely gave up on life by 18 when I decided that I hated my body and thought I could never be happy the way I am. So I isolated myself and distracted myself from the idea that I was failing miserably and went on antidepressants because it was the only solution that was ultimately offered to me in response to my chronic panic attacks and phobia. Then I just played out an awfully disappointing life and also was only hanging out with a narcissist who I will not blame for anything but just as an idea of what was going on, would shit on everything I liked or wanted to do or was and every way I acted and pointed out how stupid I was all of the time. I was too weak to decide to have my own identity so I just let myself play a bit part in someone else's life until I eventually couldn't sustain my life with my sickness and moved back home to finish school, late, almost having dropped out, while dying of orthorexia, and then I spent the next 3 years here trying to find some alternative way to make a living and how to just live a safe life where I have as little responsibility as possible. Now I want so much more than that but I've already fucked up all of it, and this entire time I haven't had friendships or relationships or engaged in activities or learned about the things in life that interested me. I am completely unfulfilled in every aspect of life and I fear I will be insatiable forever. I can hardly stay in the moment at all because my life is so pathetically and disappointingly empty and it's completely my own fault. It just makes me so resentful and yet I know that resentment is the opposite of what makes everything better. I can't see the good in this. Even if I learned something from it, I believe that I could have learned it in a different way where I could have gotten a lot more out of the experience. Having this disappointing of a life is just unacceptable to me. I try constantly to see the benefit of it being so lacking but I keep coming to the conclusion that it was ultimately bad and it shouldn't have happened and I picked one of the worst potentials anyone could ever pick.
  4. Ruined my own life, don't know what to do now I'm 26 years old. I had a ton of interests when I was a child/young teen, but I didn't have enough foresight to structure my life so that I would be able to make a living out of those pursuits or even to learn or be involved in them at all. I got lost in obsessive or addictive behaviors because of a deathly fear of my body, illness, anxiety, self-rejection, spinelessness, arrogance, and lacking the concept that I could have positive results from doing anything. I have wasted many years that I could have been using to develop a great life. Now I've already wasted the time and money and support that could have been invested in those pursuits. I'm horribly depressed and I haven't had a social life or a generally good experience with people since I was a child. I haven't had fun in an extremely long time. I have wasted my life and let my spirit die over so many years that I don't feel compelled very much by the worth of whatever I can do from now on. I will be in the shadow of the life I destroyed forever and that just makes me want to die. I don't think I can have a fully satisfying future and I don't want to live that kind of life. I don't know what to do, but I'm moving away soon.
  5. Ruined my own life, don't know what to do now Hey, I'll keep it really simple without going into the story too much. I'm 26 years old. I had a ton of interests when I was a child/young teen, but I didn't have enough foresight to structure my life so that I would be able to make a living out of those pursuits or even to learn or be involved in them at all. I got lost in obsessive or addictive behaviors because of a deathly fear of my body, illness, self-hate, and lacking the concept that I could have positive results from doing anything. I have wasted many years that I could have been using to develop a great life, but now I've already wasted the time and money that could have been invested in those pursuits. I'm horribly depressed and I haven't had a social life or a generally good experience with people since I was a child. Essentially I have wasted my life and let my spirit die over so many years that I don't feel compelled very much by the worth of whatever I can do from now on. I will be in the shadow of the life I destroyed forever and that just makes me want to die.