felinemenina

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  1. felinemenina

    wow...the middle part was super intense. Everyone did care!..so important he did not gave up until the release. I really am impressed of this split work! Thankyou for all you do!
  2. Love is in the background of pain! I wrote a letter. I know he is part of me and I cannot stay disconnected through pain. I will never reject you, difference does not bring us apart. Diversity is the biggest challenge to really love. Separation is an illusion. I want a healthy constellation with you in which we do not have to feel separation. Let's work this out ?! A constellation in which we are not rejected: for what we are for what we need for what we long for, what we want for what we do not want / want I want to look at what connects us! And share what enriches us. No WIN (me) -LOOSE (you) more ... straight to WIN-WIN (us) :) I do not want to take anything from you, I do not want you to suffer, to give up something (like yourself) to make me happy. I apologize. I can not be everything you need, because the other splinters are out there, but we can find out what I can give you ... which enriches you! I am interested in you and I want to understand you. You can trust me that I'm honest with you, do not cheat on you, do not ignore you, act in your interest when we've talked about it and shown commitment and commitment !! It is my responsibility to minimize information overload, take care of myself enough, cover my needs to be there for others! I try to show you my truth every day so you know who you've got involved with. I have no one more than to let you look into me. And I have decided that this is no longer a privilege, but a need to establish intimate relationships - by being healthy and staying healthy.
  3. Thankyou soo much @SleepySantosha.... this means a lot to me! 😘 I go the path of feeling hour by hour what to do next. Today I slept a lot..it was too painful being awake. I sit some minutes with the pain...and again ...sleeping. #findingwaystonourishtheself
  4. We had and conversation last night: I told him what was triggering the situation that I thought he watched porn. When I was sleeping I woke up because of water flow in the bathroom. I knew that he brushed his teeth before and so I start thinking what he could have done instead. This was the trigger situation. He told me that he won´t tell me what he actually did and he will remember that I do not trust him in general. Until the next day (we wanted to go to a restaurant and speak before we met) he did not call me. I tried to call him and he ignores me now. I see, he is hurt, but in a 4 years relationship he can´t tell me that !? After my 3rd call. He road me "what´s up"? We could talk in the 4th call. I asked why? why he did not tell me that he wants days off or what his inner world looks like. I am interested in him..he didn´t believe me. He told me he wants silence. I said: okay, silence fine. silence of what ? He: "..of talking". I: "ok I see, but can I tell you that I feel that you are pushing me away?" He: "I hear only accusations from you " Me: "sorry, I only tell what I see" He: "you are still not meeting my need why are we talking again?" Me: "Okay, I will hang up"...and I did so. After that he left one message for me: "you did not understand anything and you have done nothing for me, good night" We end up being desperate . Slowly I see I am the only one who looks after connversation. I am in such hell. Feeling unseen and my needs beeing unmet..limiting myself ...I was waiting for confession that he can´t. meet my needs in the constallation "partnership/romatic relationship" but instead he gives me hope that things will change. he told me several times that I am impatient. We just ended two times in braking up because I told him there is such unhealthy dynamics in the relationship. I told him I want to have him still in my life as friend. But it´s not an option, he said. So I choose the cage :/.because I am so desperate!? I have to leave...I have to stay committed to what I was feeling and what I saw coming. (He put on a facade when he told me he does not want to loose me either). This is not what I wanted :(. I have to leave and accept that he is not open for a new constallation. The old is not serving us well. It´s soo hard!! Hello, Ground 0. (by writing the insides of our relationship I am braking the rules of the relationship, I am sorry...)
  5. RELATIONSHIP Problems (unmet needs, boyfriend withdrawals and is emotional unavailable) Hi there, I am not sure what happend in my childhood consciously but I dreamed serval times to be sexual abused by my dad, having secret relationship with him. Went to some memories by myself with CP but still have shame and grief riseing up from time to time after sex (panic attacks, cutting, bulimia was my coping mechanism some years ago). HOW do YOU deal with such trauma in your relationships?? My relationsship felt like a rollercoaster since 4 years now. It is getting more stabil since new year. I put lot of time into understanding me and my partner...and I am happy that I did so because I am more atuned to see behind manipulation, to be okay with differencies, to be okay with my and my partners needs. Sadly I realized that sex is the one need I am not satisfied with in that relationship. It making big problems for me because I found out a pattern in me... that without sex I don´t feel deep connection and value!? I don´t want to give up ...I don´t want to repeat the hurt of my parents, grandparents etc.....I want to stop the circle of suffer in me. I don´t want to let it hurt other people including myself anymore! I want to see my partners beauty instead being throwing back in time....I want to find relief...to be with my boyfriend in the NOW. Yesterday something arises, again..it felt soo painful to me. It was real to me. ...I thought my boyfriend refuses me by watching porn instead living it with me. I felt rejected, hurt, betrayaled. Especially because we have rarely sex these days. We just talked about it and he said to me that he don´t need it so much at the moment. 😕 but I do! Often men want more sex than women didn´t know that it can flip around. But fine I am okay with it..that I am more the needy one. I told him that I can´t be satisfied forever in this relationship when this need of mine is not met. And he felt pressure. (I am open for friendship, open relationship, what ever constallation fits for us...but he is not...he just told me..and it´s very painful for me to loose someone you love only because you have needs he/she can´t met ) He said to me I can´t wait. I feel waiting forever . He reflects so many aspects of my dad...I am waiting for his attention, committment, support, to be seen, to feel beautiful, to be loved as I wanna be loved. When the day is over and I go to bed he goes into his workroom/computer room. My father was the same. But he is not my dad! It is so annoying to feel that, also. So coming back to the situation of yesterday..I was pissed about a "non fact" that my boyfriend is watching porn. And when he came to bed he felt my distance and asked ´what´s up´. Then I reproached that he is satisfiing his sexual needs with porn and I am mad about it. He was very angry because he told me he did not watched it further touched himself. I could not trust. It was so real for me!? He said my mind is playing mindgames. He was hurt. I said "okay, than it has to be a memory of mine.." "I have to go into it" and he said " then do it now!" I tried CP with him...but I felt he wasn´t present with me...he was still hurt 😕 I got a panic attack felt super insecure. He told me I have to stop reacting like this ( he thought I was playing/dramatiseing)..he asked me " do I have I be violent / do I have to hurt you if you don´t stop?"....I felt even more pain, panic...can´t breathe! I cried and start talking after long moment of silence. I told him , please not take it personal, please put the hurt he felt by side because I really need just presents and understanding. My thoughts are not ment to hurt him, please can you see that I am hurt!? At this moment he was a little bit more present and I told him my memory. My father stopped abusing me one day and I still wanted his attention in the form I only knew ( the one that connected us= sex) and he refuses me. It was painful. Sexuallity became something forbidden/secretly. In my teen years I started an interest for the hobby of my dad (computers) to stay connected. He never knew how to emotional connect. Often he promised me to buy icecream or candy so that we could share time with each other, he see him, too..he was really lonley in his world) (I am crying now..dawn why is it so fucked up?) How can I find peace?How can I know what is missing?
  6. felinemenina

    Where are you from (if s.o. wants to meet you in person) and/or which languages do you speak (for comfortable speaking via skype)?
  7. What if the answer for your question would be "before you opt into this life, all of your soul contracts have to be in alignment with the Law of Attraction, as in the potential of thoughts you may think must all inevitably lead you to fulfill a soul contract."? What you can act on, now!? Why didn´t you do it in the first place? Are you dealing with shame, denial or other uncomfortable emotion in relationship with that friend? What you want to say to that friend about YOU?
  8. felinemenina

    Which book is it? @LL.