Lesa Spravka

My achilles heel. I feel a lot of shame for not being in a community (after all this time), not being able to attract a community, not knowing what it takes to have a community, thinking I do know what community would work for me and being wrong, not being able to integrate the parts of me that don't want a community... ...like when Teal says, "You're cursed in the best possible way"...I saw her community in 2014 and was like GLORY BE THAT'S IT! But I had no idea how far away I was from getting what appeared, to me, really basic. Like a community that knew how simple it was to be connected to each other. But, it seems, it's a lot harder to be connected to each other than I thought. And, believing Teal when she says it's a mirror universe, now I have to stop blaming others for not connecting and see how I regularly don't connect. Fuck. I'm sad about the whole thing.

I carry bamboo chop sticks and bamboo regular fork, spoon and knife because I don’t like the taste of metal in every single thing I eat.

Good question. My first guess is a theme of being very involved in working with people. There’s so many people around in my dreams. I know cause I wake up and I’m alone.

Thank you.

I had to think of a horrible experience I had to realize that being nice never seems to work how I want it to. Well it’s not really a personality type but more of a coping strategy. And I’m guilty of seeing people’s shadows that Teal helped me see makes me feel safer.

Among many I like mookaite (sp?). I so want to know my mineral and plant. Amethyst is my birthstone, don’t know if that matters but I don’t like to have it. I ask a friend to ask my higher self why and the response was because I don’t need it. I did your spirit animal meditation and found out my spirit animal is a ladybug. I loved how you said in your video that it’s our job to study the energy of our spirit animal. Because now I’m so much more accepting of that energy in me. At first I was so disappointed to find out all ladybugs do is eat aphids. Like nonstop all the time. Because I so judged that energy as negative but when I stop judging it and just notice the focused, one step at a time, manipulating energy I can see how I do that in shadow and can then consciously do it in a positive way. Basically by applying it to what I love. and I thank you for the warning about tough stuff coming. That helps me ride it a little better.

I think people need to see this about their pets too.

I wasn’t sure if telling you ours was what you were looking for but I’ll take the opportunity. For me 3 books have woke me up in an ever expanding way: - Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternative to Despair by Theodore Rubin (at the time I was in despair and I was so happy/relieved someone knew that despair existed. And it woke me up to knowing self hate existed in me) - The Birth of Pleasure by Carol Gilligan (sp?) (A look at how pleasure is systematically suppressed in us) - Fear of Life by Alexander Lowen (Teal recommended in her eidipus (sp?) complex video. It seems the answer to everything to me).

Thanks for sharing.

I truly appreciate this product. The daily updates. Thanks.

I’m feeling very seen this morning with this. my recent experiences were with two families related to me. The futility was in seeing how the only two men, one from each family, are actually hurting the women they propose to love. And allowing my genuine sadness is what led me to see this is the reason for my futility. They seem so far from seeing how suppressing their genuine emotions is turning them abusive. super sad about this. maybe I’ll now know a man that can muster humility and compassion for himself.

It’s not so much that I’m brutally honest but I’m not gonna take the bull shit people are pushing. I’m not. And I don’t like fluffy descriptions that aren’t based on feelings. And I don’t like long text in general. Just get to the effing point. This could all be based on the trauma of constant gaslighting.

Once in a CP like healing I saw myself as baby loosely held with faceless armless people around me that I knew was my family. The healer asked if I could go to the baby and hold it. I felt and said I believe I have nothing to offer the baby. Just then it came to me and I said “I need support” and right then a being popped out of a curtain of air with the energy of “oh my god she finally asked and I GET to step in”. It so gently came up behind me and put its arms around my arms and right then my heart beamed with light and then the baby’s heart beamed with light and our hearts glowed bright and we naturally gravitated toward each other. My heart never ever felt like that before. It was totally new, it seems to me. And never before was I even aware I needed support. It was like I said I need support for the first time in my life. Just saying all this to show how knowing what was missing can empower healing.

Thanks

Beautiful. Thank you.