First of all, yes, I completely agree on how hellish this circle of disconnection is. It's such a hard thing to deal with that in my experience it's been a loop of giving up and treating life in a very nihilistic manner and then getting re-inspired to put my energy towards potential solutions, and then back and forth, back and forth.
The thing that Teal told me which I can't guarantee applies to you as well, but she said that I've been too traumatized to be able to have organic relationships at the moment. The reason is because organic relationships involve reactivity from both people involved, and to expect the other person to always have a positive reaction to an authentic truth that you express to them is an abusive dynamic. She said that I needed to rebuild and rehabilitate my capacity to create [authentic] relationships in a therapeutic setting. The reason for this is because with a therapist, they aren't going to have a strong reaction to (almost) anything you tell them because their role as a therapist involves being non-reactive. Teal and I both acknowledged the shittiness that's involved with paying someone to have a relationship with you in a therapeutic setting, but she said that when I go into therapy, I should first accept that it is a transactional relationship instead of trying to impose my perspective of how this person could be wanting to see me regardless of the money involved (which I have been unable to conclude previously). So basically I have to "retry" therapy with the mindset of it being a paid relationship, and to not try to resist that fact. I've experienced too much trauma to be able to (even physically) handle someone having a negative reaction to my authenticity, and the only way (at the moment) for me to have a relationship is if the other person is non-reactive.
She also told me I should try to be softer with myself in the position I'm in: dealing with a lot of unhealed wounds. I believe in general, especially those with disorganized attachment, have learned to adapt to societal standards so well that we keep re-forgetting how much trauma we've actually experienced and are going through, and I think we keep unintentionally minimizing the degree of pain we're actually in and often unconsciously continue to be in a deterministic attitude with ourselves instead of treating ourselves in a more loving and gentle way. Something that I've put on my phone's background just as a reminder is "be gentle with yourself in the same way you would nurture a traumatized child". It's definitely a hard thing to balance: being soft with ourselves while still trying to move forward with our lives and our healing, and I think it's something that we need to keep reminding ourselves of, regardless of how much we already understand the importance of treating ourselves in a more loving way, rather than in an abusive way.
Here's another workshop I found a while back of someone else dealing with disorganized attachment (START AT 53:30) <------Click
(I also don't know if you've seen this yet)
I also realized recently that letting myself go into my shame and self-hatred is the quickest way to let go of the patterns that uphold the resistance to softness. I think when we resist the feelings of self-hatred, it persists through the ways we subconsciously treat ourselves on a daily basis. In the curveball segment I linked above this, Teal talks about the importance of finding the patterns that resist this softness, and I think resistance to the feelings of shame and self-hatred might be the answer.