Solvita

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About Solvita

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  • Birthday 09/16/1990

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  1. Solvita

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I often times feel like an alien from another galaxy, who for some reason is stuck in a human suit and is struggling to have a communication with people. There is a very painful war inside my mind between one part of me who so desperately wants to have a connection and strong friendship with like-minded people who are able to understand me and with whom I can build a strong, authentic, open, trustworthy, caring, healthy and supporting friendship, and then there is another part of me who is extremely afraid of connection and people, because I don't trust people. I deeply relate to the part where you wrote that you don't know how to function in such an unconscious and unhealthy society. What are the things that you like to do? Your hobbies? (Feel free to write a whole list!!!!!) Maybe there is something that you always have wanted to do or try, but for some reason haven't tried that thing?
  2. Solvita

    I feel your pain. I also feel strong hate towards my abusive father who have a narcissistic personality. Not only I never have felt protected and loved by him, he also is the person who's presence feels very threatening to me. That will sound harsh, but at this point I look at him only as a sperm donor, who isn't father material at all. It's so painful to acknowledge that your father who is supposed to protect you, care about you, support you and love you, have gave you the exact opposite......abused you, neglected you, invalidated you, criticized you, shamed you and ignored your wants and needs. Do you speak with your father, or there is no communication between you and him whatsoever? Is there any part of you that hopes that he will change to a better and loving person?
  3. Feeling powerless, hopeless, worthless, lonely and suicidal. True story of my life. Before you read my story, I want you to know that English isn't my native language, so be prepared for grammar mistakes, but I'm trying my best to make sense. This is one of those days when I feel so completely powerless, hopeless and desperate that my mind starts to think suicidal thoughts. There are moments when even the thought that I have a option to exit this life through suicide, so that I can stop my suffering, doesn't help, because I have a strong belief in me that my soul will reincarnate and will force me to experience the same fucking torturing and painful situations or it will make me experience even more worse and more painful experiences than I experience in this lifetime. At those moments I feel very intense feeling of powerlessness, hopelessness and despair. On a mental level I'm desperately screaming for connection and even though I'm craving for connection, I'm extremely afraid of it and I'm afraid of people, because most of my life I have been unprotected, unsupported, invalidated, unloved, judged, criticized, shamed, rejected and emotionally neglected by them. I feel like I am stuck in this deep, dark pit and that there is no hope for me to get out of it. I often feel lonely, scared, hopeless, powerless, desperate, disappointed and confused. I feel like life is tearing me apart and takes pleasure in doing it. I regularly feel unsafe and I feel like I have no control over my life. I'm mostly in a fearful and painful state of mind. I feel like the Universe is against me and that it wants me to suffer. There is a strong rage and hate in me. I hate people because I feel threatened by them and I don't trust them. I hate my self and my life. I HATE YOU UNIVERSE!!!... DO YOU HEAR ME?..... I HATE YOU!!!! WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME??? WHY DON'T YOU LET ME BE FREE AND HAPPY??? *****My true story about me, my life and my mental disorders***** I haven't had the strength or courage to be publicly open about my painful life and my mental disorders, but it all changes now. I'm at this peak point in my life where I feel that my truth is the only key to my freedom, connection and happiness. Because of my severe obsessive compulsion disorder, social anxiety, Misophonia(severe reaction on specific noises that triggers me badly and gives me very bad anxiety), panic attacks and seizures, these last 26 months I have been in very stressful, mentally and physically painful isolation from the outside world. The only people that I see is my family with whom I live together and my brother who lives separately, but sometimes visits us. I live together in the same small apartment with my mother, father, grandmother and blind cousin(girl). My mother is the only person in my family, who tries her best to understand my severe disorders and support me emotionally. She's the only one person in my family who I can trust (for the most part, but not fully yet) and with who I can communicate openly and freely. About more than a year ago I stopped communicating with my narcissistic grandmother (she's also a pathological liar), even though we live in the same room together. And more than a 6 months ago I finally had a courage to tell my narcissistic father that I don't want to communicate with him, so after I told him that, we also don't communicate anymore and I actually feel a little bit relieved, because before that I would often force myself to communicate with my father only because I was afraid that if I won't communicate with him he will get angry at me. I sometimes communicate with my blind cousin(born that way), who also live in the same room with me and my grandmother. She is almost 3 years younger than me and she lives with us from when she was only an infant, because my grandmother's son (my mother's brother) and the women with whom he had this blind child, didn't want to raise this child, so my grandmother took this girl under her care, when she was only an infant. I also have a painful relationship with my brother who lives separately, but sometimes visits us. I rarely communicate with my brother and in those rare times when we do communicate, we are mostly arguing. My father and grandmother(from my mother's side) both have narcissistic personality. They both are verbally and mentally abusive and they both emotionally neglects me and my mother. When I was a small child my grandmother often was verbally abusive to me and sometimes physically abusive. She often snapped and verbally lashed at me over little things. She often blamed me for a lot of things and she also often yelled at me and called me in very horrible names like Sprāgonis, Izdzimtenis, Nelabā iemiesojums, Maita e.c. All my life, my father and my grandmother emotionally neglected, criticised, shamed and blamed me, often for the things that I actually didn't do, but they assumed that I did. All my life I have felt that I am worthless, not good enough and that I deserved all the suffering that they put me through. They wanted me to do most of the things according to their wants, needs and beliefs, and when I didn't obey or please them, I was criticized, judged and shamed for that. I come from a financially struggling-working class family. My family and I live in a very small, two room apartment which is in a bad condition. From an early childhood I have to sleep in a very small room together with my grandmother and my blind cousin. Yes, I wrote that right....all three of us live in the same room, which not only is very small, but also is stuffed with a lot of my grandmother's and cousin's things, which makes this room even more smaller. Before my brother started to live separately, all four of us lived in this small room. The only things that I have in this tiny room is a small bed and a few old free standing shelves, which are filled with small amount of things that I have. When I was a little girl I also had a small closet for my clothes, but my grandmother without asking me for permission, started to put my cousins clothes into my closet and after a while it was so filled with my cousins clothes, that there wasn't left any space in this closet, for my own clothes to put. So now the only things that I have left in this small room, which by itself is in a bad condition, is a few old ugly looking floor-standing shelves and a old small bed, which I had from a early childhood and this bed is in a such bad condition, that because of it, for a few years now, I suffer with a painful back problems. I also have a very poor sleep and to make matters worse, I have different sleeping pattern than my grandmother and cousin have. So when I try to sleep, they both are awake and because I have really bad reaction to the most of the noises that my grandmother makes (I have a selective sound syndrome) it is very hard for me to fall a sleep and when I do fall a sleep, I very often wake up from the noises that triggers me very badly or from the TV that my grandmother often watches very loudly, or when my grandmother have loud arguments with my cousin, which they do have often. I don't remember the last time when I had a proper sleep. It feels so painful and unfair that I have to live in this tiny and crowded place with such poor conditions and that I don't have my own room where I can escape from these noises and craziness. It feels so painful that in my childhood and teenage years I didn't had and I still don't have my own room where I can feel safe and comfy and which I can decorate as I want. When I was visiting my classmates or my out of school friends places, I felt so jealous that they had their own rooms with good conditions and they were able to decorate their rooms as they wanted. That's probably the reason why I wanted to be a interior designer when I was a teenager, but because I didn't have a proper sketching and drawing skills, I gave up that dream altogether. I had a belief that in order to be good at something you must be born with natural talent of doing it. Thankfully, I don't have that belief anymore. Now I believe that if there is something that you are passionate about and want to learn, you are not only completely capable of learning it, but you can also be very skillful at doing this thing, by regularly practicing it. My grandmother also many years ago without my permission took my childhood blanket and gave it away to my cousin who still use it till this day even though she has her own blanket that she don't use. I have a very strong mental attachment to this childhood blanket. For me this blanket represents caring and safety, because when I was a little girl my mom often times would lovingly cover me with this blanket and I would often times hide under it when I felt unsafe. So it was very painful for me when this blanket was taken away from me. It is still very painful. There have been a lot of other things that she have taken from me behind my back and without my permission. She have this tendency to take things and do things in sneaky way and she can look straight in your eyes and say that she didn't take or do anything and that you are the one who is a liar. (Update: Before this post was updated, I managed to get back (on May 7, 2018) my childhood blanket with the help of my mother. Though me and my mother got it back because of a very big verbal fight that we both had with my grandmother. To be completely honest, I feel much more stronger connection with my bicycle, than with my grandmother and the more I do shadow work, inner child work and parts work, I get more sensitive to my surroundings and my grandmother's presence (also my father's presence) feels even more threatening to me. I often have nightmares about her and most of the times I wake up from these nightmares with panic attacks or with seizures. All my life I have watched how my father was mentally abusing and controlling my mother. I have suffered a lot because of him. In my early childhood years he almost never was there for me. He worked and still works as a long haul truck driver, so most of the time he wasn't at home, but when he was at home, he was spending most of his free time drinking with his friends and ignoring my emotional needs and often times even my existence. When he was at home he mentally abused my mother. There were a few times when he abused her physically. And even when he was far away from home for the work, he very often called my mother and abused her verbally through the phone. It is very painful for me to watch how my mother suffers because of him. I'm afraid that one day my mother won't be able to handle this suffering anymore and that she might kill herself. When I was a little girl, I often would stand next to a bathroom door, listening how my mother is crying in a bathroom and beeing afraid that she might slit her wrists. Only in my teenage years my father started to pay more attention to me, but he did that only because he wanted to control me. He wanted me to obey and live my life and do things according to his beliefs on how I should do things and live my life. As long as I can remember he has been very controlling in a abusive way. He is a very hardheaded and close minded person. Nine times out of ten, he thinks that only he is right about things and that only his point of view is the correct one and that things has to be according to his beliefs, wants and needs. He often says to me, and my mother that we are the ones who are stupid. He often critize me and my mother and he often yells at us. Few years ago he yelled at me and my brother and told us ... Quot: Jūs abi šajā dzīvē esat pilnīgas nulles! You both are complete zeros in this life. Which basically means that according to his value system, we both have no value in this life. But at the same time he himself has put close to a zero efforts for our wellbeing. He very rarely gave us an emotional support. For me it feels like there is a belief in him that vulnerability is a sign of a weakness and in order for you to survive in this life, you must me hard and harsh. Also for me it feels like that the reason why he just can't accept or admit his mistakes is that for some reason his brain sends him a message that if he will admit those things, he will be at danger. I know that, because for a very long time, I also had these same beliefs. Actually, I still have them, it's just that I'm now aware of them and I'm trying my best to change them. In regard to financial support, my father did financially support our basic needs and sometimes did buy us a nice stuff for our birthdays and for Christmas, but mostly he was interested to invest his money into his cars, alcohol, gambling and I have a feeling that he also have spent a quit amount of his money on his mistresses. For my surprise when my mother about 13 years ago asked him if he would pay for my modelling school, he agreed to it, but I have a feeling that he did that only because he thought that he himself might benefit money wise, if I managed to earn big money in the modeling business. I probably have this feeling because most of my life I have felt and still feel like I owe him something. With his actions and attitude towards me, he makes me feel like he never wanted me in the first place. I feel like for my father I'm a unwanted byproduct of sex. All my childhood he was more interested to use his free time by drinking with his friends, than to have a quality time with me. I feel like my birth was one of the worst things that happened to him and that my existence made his life difficult, miserable and that it took his freedom away. I feel like I'm the one who is responsible for his freedom and happiness. I feel like I have to earn his love and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I feel like I will never be good enough for him and that for him my feelings, wants and needs aren't valid. I'm sure that from his point of view he thinks that he's done a lot for me. But from my point of view, he mostly gave me emotional neglect, destructive beliefs, sense of fear about my surroundings, suffering, painful and fearful childhood memories. There were a few particular incidents in my childhood, which memories still to this day haunts me. When I was about 11 years old, my father one day when he was at home, got very drunk (as he normally did) and he had a argument with my mother about his mistress (my father often cheated on my mother), he started to get mentally aggressive towards my mother and after a few minutes he got completely insane, he yelled in rage, he aggressively started to threw heavy enough items at my mother, that potentially could kill her. Thankfully my mother managed to avoid these items, that my father threw at her. He also started to wreck the room itself, by aggressively hitting and breaking stuff. He broke a window in his room and after that he also broke a window in the kitchen. He was all covered in his own blood and there was a strong rage in his eyes. I felt a very intense fear. I was afraid that he will kill my mother or himself. After a while he felt down on the hallway floor and I remember how I was desperately trying to bind his open wounds with the toilet paper to stop him from bleeding. I remember walls and floor being covered in his blood. I still remember that smell which was a mixture of blood+alcohol+cola+snow(it happened in the winter time). That was the day when I lost a big part of my childhood playfulness, because I felt like I immediately need to have a grown up mentality in order to deal with and survive this extreme situation, so that I can help my father who was injured and loosing his blood and help my mother who was in shock state and who passed out for a moment, and also look up for my cat so that she don't step on the broken glass shards that was all over the place. Even though I was only about 11 years old at that time and scared as hell and I desperately needed for someone to take care of me, protect me and make me feel safe while this all horrible and traumatic incident happened, in the end it was me who took care of my parents that night, but nobody took care of me. Even though there is an aspect of me who is aware that this is an unhealthy and destructive belief, there is another aspect of me who still to this day feels like I'm the one who is responsible for my both parents lifes and wellbeing. After that incident I started to have sleeping problems and I also became very sensitive to noises, that were coming from my mothers room, when my father was at home. After a short period of time when my mom filed for divorce and my father lived separately from us, there was another traumatic incident, when my father uninvited and drunk, shoved up at our apartment. He was very angry and aggressive, and he wanted to talk to my mother, but my mother was at work. He sat down in his room, then he called my mother on the phone and started to verbally terrorize her. I went to his room and tried to calm him down, but he started to mentally and verbally abusing me. Then he took from somewhere in the room a thick electrical wire and started to choke himself with it. I started to cry and I desperately begged for him to stop choke himself. He stopped, but then he went to the kitchen, took a medium size knife and in front of me he stabbed himself deep in the upper leg. Then he slowly pulled the knife out of his leg and while he did that, he looked straight into my eyes, at the same time yelling from the pain and rage. I don't remember what happened after that. My mind has erased that information. The only family members that were in the apartment at that time, were my blind cousin and my grandmother. They both were in the other room, but they weren't able to do much about that situation and my brother at that time was at friends place. There were a lot of other very painful and traumatic incidents with my father when I was a little girl, that I still remember, but there was also few recent ones, that were very traumatic to me. About 4 years ago, when I was arguing with my father and I told him the truth that he didn't want to hear or admit, he lashed out at me and threw at me a big heavy ceramic bowl from which he was eating at that moment. It almost hit my head. There was a small distance between the bowl he threw and my head, when it passed me by. He even wasn't drunk at that moment, which made me fear him even more. Almost year ago, after I had a panic attack (which I have often), my father verbally threatened me that if I will not control my panic attacks, he will call a ambulance, even though he knows that I have fear of hospitals and doctors. That same day, few hours later, I experienced my first seizure. I feel like his presence is threathening to my mom and me. I'm so afraid of him. At the same time he has a completely different(nicer) attitude towards his friends and co-workers. He's completely different person with them. I'm so afraid of my father. I'm afraid of him even when his not at home. The fear of him is developed so bad, that about 5 years ago when I started to develop Obsessive compulsion disorder and social anxiety, I also started to have a very bad reaction to most of the sounds (Misophonia-select sound sensitivity syndrome), that my father makes, like when he walks around apartment, especially the kitchen, or when he eats(chews), or when he puts something on the table that makes sound. I also have that same reaction to most of the sounds that my grandmother makes, who also has a narcissistic personality. For more than a 2 years, it is even hard for me to look at myself in the mirror. My facial features are very similar to my fathers and when I look at myself in the mirror, I also see him and because I'm afraid of him and feel hatred towards him, I'm also afraid of myself and I feel hatred towards my self, when I look at myself in the mirror. There is a part of me who is afraid of men. This part of me is afraid that I will end up with a man who will abuse me the exact same way, that my father abuse my mother and me. This fear is one of the main reasons why I have never had serious relationships. Honestly, I'm surprised that after all this mental abuse, that my father made me go through, I still believe that there exist a trustworthy, caring, understanding, supportive and loving men who are exact opposite of my father, but the thing is, that there is an aspect of me who don't believe that I'm good enough or that I deserve to have this kind of a loving man. There are so much more painful experiences that I had in my childhood which hugely affects my current adulthood. I mean....I could write pages upon pages about all my painful childhood experiences, but at this moment I don't have enough strength to do it. Even though for the most part I have a good and open relationship with my mother, I'm very aware of my many unmet needs and other painful things regarding my childhood relationship with her, that I suppressed for many years, but I don't feel urge to write about them, because I often have an open and honest conversations about them with my mother. It took me courage to be open to her about my pain that I feel towards her, but it was worth it, because now our mother- daughter relationship is even more closer. BUT........there is an aspect of me that don't want to write about my pain regarding my mother, because I feel that I own to my mother, because she is the only person, who helps me and tries her best to support and understand me. Even though my relationship with her hasn't been always good, for the most part I'm very grateful for having such a caring, supportive, understanding and open minded mother. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! My life at my first school from the 1th grade (which started at the age of 7) till 9ht grade, was also mentaly very painful and fearful for me. It wasn't noticeable on the outside that I was suffering inside, but that's because from an early age I was taught that no matter how bad I suffered at home, I must keep it between myself and my family members and outside the family circle I need to act like everything is okay. Being open to people who were outside the family circle about our unhealthy family dynamic was a big no-no, so my classmates and teachers didn't know that I come from a very dysfunctional family. For the most part school for me was a torture and even though I tried my best to fit in, no matter how hard I tried, I didn't felt like I belong there and because I mostly had low grades, I also felt very stupid in school. For some reason my brain rejected and didn't process or remember most of the information that teachers were teaching or the information that I needed to learn from the school books. Because of my poor eyesight, I also had a very hard time to read what was on blackboard. I did had a prescription glasses, but I didn't wear them, because I was too afraid, that my classmates will make fun of me and back then contact lenses were too expensive for my family to buy. I felt terrified and embarrassed when teachers called me up to speak or to do some kind of a task in front of the class. There were a times when some girls from my class were mean to me or made fun of me. Because I was a very skinny girl, I also was made fun of my looks. There was a one guy from my class who made fun of my small breasts in front of my other classmates. I still remember how horrible that incident made me feel. It had such a huge negative impact on my self-esteem. The painful experiences that I had in the school made me feel like I'm worthless. I felt so worthless, that I actually believed, that I deserved to be criticized, judged and made fun of. I still often have a nightmares that I'm back in the school and that I go through the same painful and fearful experiences that I went through in my reality. Many years I had a belief that because I had low grades in school, my existence was less valuable than the existence of my classmates and all other schoolmates who grades was better than mine. Thankfully few months ago I found one of the Albert Einstein qoutes which helped me change my mindset about our education system. Here's the qoute "Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid." Even though it was very hard for me to process information when I was learning at school, when I have a option to learn information that I'm actually interested in, I can learn it and process it very easily. The problem starts when the information isn't interesting or relevant to me at the time and it's forced on me as it was at school. After ending 9th grade, I transferred to a completely different school where I learned from 10th grade(at the age of 16) till 12th grade. Compared to my experiences that I had in my first school, my life at the new school was pretty decent. There were only about 14 people in my new class (in my first school there were about 29 people in my class) and even though I still mostly had low grades and learning process still was very hard for me, for the most part I felt comfortable at this new school and in my class. I managed to have decent relationships with my new classmates and for the most part I didn't felt threatened by them, because at this new school, from the day one, I somehow managed to make people think that I'm a very confident and outgoing person who doesn't care what other people think, even though in the inside, I'm very fragile and sensitive person, with a very low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth. My fake outside mask was just my defence mechanism, that I created, because I thought that it's the only way how I will be able to live through and survive at this new school and the life itself. When someone was trying to be offensive or mean to me I immediately defended myself, which for the majority of time I didn't have the courage to do in my first school. I must admit that I also have said and done mean and hurtful things to other people, that I'm not a proud of. Often times I even did say and do hurtful things to people who didn't do anything bad to me. I myself often for a moment became a bully. I thought that the only way how I can stop to be bullied by others is by becoming bully myself. I wasn't that kind of a bully who bullied people all the time, but there were moments when something clicked in my mind and I felt a urge to bully, be mean or intentionally mentally hurt someone. Most of my life I have felt powerless and at those moments when I did bully or do hurtful things to others, I felt like I have little bit of power in my hands. By doing that, I felt a relief for a moment, but in the long run it made me feel even more miserable. I hate my self for doing those hurtful things to others. I still can't forgive myself for the moments in my life when I became the exact person, that I myself was so afraid of and that I myself hated so much. When I was about 9 years old, I was diagnosed with diphtheria and I was put in the hospital for 2 weeks. When I was about 11 years old, I had a near death experience while I was drowning in the sea. It's a long story, so I won't go into details about this experience. At the age of 13, I had my first period. For some reason I felt so ashamed and scared of having them, that only few months later I finally got courage to tell my mother that I have them. At this age I also started to smoke and drink alcohol. At the age of 15, when I was in the 9th grade, I started to go to a modeling school. Going to modeling school helped me to build my confidence.....well, actually, it helped me to fake it. I also managed to get few small modeling jobs. When I started to go to a modeling school I also started to have drinking problem and I started to go to the parties, bars and clubs very often. I rarely had a money to buy myself a drink, but I did have a friends who had the money and they often paid for my drinks. After a while I started to drink also when I was alone. It was my way how I escaped and coped with my painful life. Because my father have drinking problem, there always was a big bottle of strong vodka in his and mother's room and while he was at work, I was able to easily take and drink out of it enough amount to get drunk, without him noticing it. At the age of 15(after few months I turned 16) there was this guy who I started to date, but the moment this guy tried to get emotionally closer to me, I freaked out and all I wanted was to run away. So out of fear I started to reject him. After him there was a guy from my new school, that I dated for a short time, but it also didn't work out between us. Then there was another guy who I met through my childhood friend, who I started to date. When I looked into his eyes I could tell that he have strong feelings towards me, I liked him too, but again.... the moment I felt that he wants to get closer to me on a emotional level, I freaked out again and out of fear I rejected him too. After that I just gave up on the thought of me having serious relationships. I thought that there must be something seriously wrong with these guys, because it was very hard for me to believe that someone could genuinely like me and have feelings for me. When I was little it was very hard for me to get my fathers affection or attention. And when I did managed to get his attention, most of the times it was only because I did something bad or wrong. So in my past when I got a guys attention in a easy way, in my mind it felt that something must be wrong with this guy, because from a early childhood I was fed with a belief that my fathers attention is a thing that is very hard for me to get and this belief continued to reflect in my adulthood with my relationships with boys. Not so long ago I also became aware that a part of me on a subconscious level was looking for a guy who on a emotional level was unavailable to me, because that was the exact relationship dynamic that I had with my father. Another reason why I was and still am so afraid of getting close with someone in a romantic way, is because I'm afraid that I will end up with a guy who at first might act like a nice person, but in actuality he might have the same abusive mentality as my father have. Even though I was aware of my fear of serious relationships, I continued to date different guys, but at that point I intentionally dated them for a very short period of time and most of these guys also wasn't interested in a serious relationships. I dated them only because I had a desperate need for attention and often I got very manipulative with these guys and some of them was also manipulative with me. One time I even intentionally manipulated two guys, who were friends with each other, into becoming an enemies for a short time. I knew both of them for years and they both had a crush on me. I didn't date any of them, but I did often hang out with them. One of these guys actually was a close friend of mine. To make matters worse, at that time I was in a close friendship with a girl who locally was known for being promiscuous. And after a while, boys who knew this girl, but didn't know me personally, assumed that because I'm friends with her, I'm also must be the same as she is. It got so bad, that I started to hear nasty rumors about myself, even though at that time I still was a virgin. And that's not all. To make matters even worse than before, somehow these rumors found the way to my father. When my father heard these rumors, he in a aggressive way demanded my mother and me to go to a gynecologist to check if I'm still a virgin. The moment he said it, I actually felt like a slut, even though I still was a virgin. But me and my mom were so afraid of him, that at the end we did go to the gynecologist. When gynecologist, who was a nice women, found out the reason why I need to check, she told my mother that she thinks that my father is mentally unstable person and that she wants to talk to my father about this unhealthy situation. She still checked me though, but only to be sure that I'm healthy. When my mother told my father that the gynecologist wants to talk to him, he said that he will not do that. At that point I had such a low sense of worthiness, that only about 5 months later, after that incident when my father demanded me to go to the gynecologist, at the age of 17, I lost my virginity, even though I wasn't ready at all. I lost it to a guy who I first saw when I was about 13 years old, but at that time I didn't know him personally, I just knew that he existed. I'm not sure that in the beginning he even was aware of my existence. At that time he lived in the same neighbourhood and after a while, (after I first saw him) he became friends with my brother. When I saw him for the first time I immediately felt intense attraction towards him. His presence had a strong magnetic pull that I just couldn't resist. It's like his core essence consists of a unique mixture of different energetic elements and compounds, that have a very intense and strong effect on me and my existence. Even though he lived in the same neighbourhood and was friends with my brother, I rarely met him in person and when I did met him we barely exchanged with words, but when I was 16 years old (almost 17), we started texting each other and there were two times when I ended up hanging out with him and his friends at his summer house. The first time when we hung out at his place, we were only kissing. It was in the summer when I was still 16. The second time when we hung out at his place, which was also the time when this painful experience happened, was in the autumn when I turned 17 (my birthday is on September 16th). I won't go into details about that night, than to say that even though he didn't manage to get inside me too deep, because I wasn't wet enough, he did however managed to get deep enough to make me feel strong pain in that area and when after that I went to the toilet I saw a blood spots on my underwear and peeing process was very painful. He also was the first guy who gave me oral sex. The next day he acted like nothing happened, but for me it was a huge deal and all the way to the home I was still little bit bleeding and I barely could sit on a bench in the train, because of the pain. The next few days I was sore down there and I still felt pain when I was peeing. After that night, for a very short time we did text each other and we met intentionally only once and after that we met very rarely and only by accident. I had a feeling like he wanted to get rid of me, like he never liked me in the first place and that I just was a pretty toy that he wanted to play with only for a while and then trow a way. I felt like I disappointed him and that I wasn't worthy of him, good enough for him and I didn't deserve him. I felt like I was taking his freedom away from him, even though it wasn't my intention at all. All I wanted for both of us, is to be free, together. So after that, I just felt more worthless and miserable than before. I felt like I never be good enough for him and that I'm not loveable. For some reason I had a desperate need to get attention and be liked and wanted by this particular guy. I have done some mentally abusive things to my self, like desperately straightening my naturally wavy hair, putting a lot of make up on my face, dressing in a seductive type of clothes and once I even bleached my naturally brown hair, believing that maybe he is more into girls who are blond, with straight hair and with a full make on and who dresses in a seductive type of clothes. I believed that in this way I'll be able to get his attention and he will finally want me. It was kinda strange for me to think that way, because at the same time I always have thought that he is more into girls who have natural look, not the ones with fake/plastic and slutty look. A half year ago I became aware that the reason why one part of me thought that this guy might prefer these type of a girls, is because my father actually prefers my mother to have a blond hair even though her natural hair color is light brown. He also prefers her to dress in a seductive type of clothes, so on a subconscious level I believed that this guy might have the same preferences. I so desperately wanted to have his attention and be wanted by him and also to be protected by him. I would often fantasize and daydreaming a scenes where this guy is saving me and protecting me from the bad things or bad guys, but I wasn't aware of the painful reason behind these fantasies. Only about a year ago I became aware that these painful feelings that I experienced with this particular guy, are the same painful feelings that I have experienced and I still experience with my father. I also became aware that on a subconscious level there was a good reason why for many years I had those fantasies that I mentioned earlier. Because I have never felt protected by my father, my mind tried to meet this need through these fantasies. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make this guy look like he is the bad one and I'm the victim. I know that I make it sound like he was a jerk, but honestly he wasn't and I'm sure that he has his own thoughts, view and story to tell about that whole situation. And to be completely honest when we hung out the first time at his place, it was me who said to him that I want him to be my first and he was the one who didn't want to have sex with me. I don't remember exactly what he said to me when I told him that I want him to be my first, but I remember that he said it in a nice and polite way. And the second time when we hung out at his place and we tried to have sex, he was gentle to me and he tried his best to make me feel less pain, but no matter how hard he tried the pain was just too strong when he tried to penetrate me. Actually, now that I look back, I must admit that after that night I also acted like nothing happened, even though there was lot going on in my mind and also on a emotional level that I didn't want to show on the outside. Maybe it was the same for him and he also didn't show it on the outside. Maybe he actually did have feelings for me or maybe he liked me only as an object, or maybe he didn't like me at all. Who knows what was going on in his mind at that time. He kinda gave me mixed signals, though I'm not sure if he did that on purpose. Honestly, I'm very confused about that whole situation that happened between us. The last few times when I unexpectedly ran into him, I tried my best not to show that I'm still very much into him. All I know is that there is a lot of emotional and mental pain that have stayed inside me after that night and this pain still tortures me to this day. After that night I felt even more worthless and my drinking problem became worse and after few months I tried to have sex with different guy with whom I hung out at that time. At the beginning he also wasn't able to penetrate me, but after hours of struggling I just shut down my emotions and that was the moment when he finally was able to penetrate me and I even felt strong physical pleasure, but the sad part was that I had emotionless and meaningless sex because I shut down my emotions. It was just physical sex and at that point I didn't even care that my emotions was shut, because I was hooked on the physical pleasure that I had that night and I also desperately needed to be wanted by someone, even if that means that the only part of me that someone wanted was only my body. After that night I started to have casual/meaningless sex with different guys. I have had 18 sexual intercourses with 15 different guys. So to be clear..... I only have had a 18 sexual intercourses, but I had them with a 15 different guys. And all of those times I was tipsy, but aware of what I was doing (except the last one). Most of these guys I knew for some years, but there were also a few random ones. I have never in my life gave a guy a blowjob and I have never had sex for money. When I was 19 years old (almost 20), I experienced my lowest point, when I was so drunk that I had a intercourse with a guy who I didn't like at all. It was a guy who I knew for many years, but not only I didn't felt any attraction towards him, I also didn't like him even as a person. In my right mind I would never let myself to have sex with this person, but I was so drunk that I lost any ability to think rationally and I barely had any control over my body. I was just lying on the bed and I let him use my body. When I woke up, I felt so disgusted. I felt such a strong hate towards myself. The feeling got worse when I found out that this guy told other guys about that night and that basically what he said to them was that fucking me was like fucking dead fish, which only approves the fact that I was so drunk at that time, that I had almost no control over my body. That day I promised to myself, that it was the last time when I was letting somebody to use my body in an unhealthy way. I promised to myself that I will only have sex with a person, with whom I will feel a very strong loving and trustworthy connection and who will support me emotionally, be honest and open with me, and will do anything at his power to protect me and make me feel safe, and that he will be willing to wait as long as I need for me to be ready to have sex with him. And even though after that incident there were a few guys with whom I only kissed, I still have kept my promise and I still haven't had sex with no one, for 8 years now...... But I still hate my self and I still haven't been able to forgive myself, for letting boys use me and my body. In that time period when I started to have unhealthy sexual intercourses, I also experienced a really bad car crash. I was the one who was driving and I crashed into the tree. I must admit that I was driving under the influence of alcohol. I got lucky, but I did broke 2 fingers on my right hand and on one of those fingers I had a surgery. I had a orthopedic cast on my right hand for about 3 months. Because of my broken fingers I didn't go to a modeling castings and my drinking problem became even worse. I also started to feel intense dislike towards my body and even when my orthopedic cast was taken off and my fingers were back to normal again, I still didn't go to modeling castings, because at that point my self esteem was just too low. So that was the end of my modeling career. After that last sexual intercourse I didn't drink as much, but I still had problems with alcohol and I lived a very self destructive, unhealthy and stressful lifestyle. Then, 7 months later, I started working at place that I hated. I worked as a cashier in a small convenience store. It was a very stressful job, with a very low salary and unhealthy work environment. That was the period in my life when I had very low sense of self-worth and I started having suicidal thoughts. At the age of 21, I found out that I have Tuberculosis and on February 13, 2012, I was put into the hospital for 17 days. This disease and the time that I spent in the hospital, had such a huge impact on me that I decided, that I don't want to live this self destructive and unhealthy lifestyle anymore. After I got out from the hospital, there was happening a huge and impactful shift in the way how I was thinking and I started to look at myself, my life and the world at whole, with a completely different set of mind. I started to read different kind of books and looked up for a lot of information about different kind of topics on internet. I started questioning everything about myself, my life, the world and the Universe at large. I started to dive deep into my mind, because I wanted to understand myself and my life more. My mind often was (still is) in a introspective and retrospective state. I quit my old job that I hated and started to work in a place (as a packer in a ice factory), where there was a little bit better, safer and healthier environment and a little bit higher salary. After a while I also stopped communicating with almost all my friends with whom I mostly had a unhealthy, destructive, shallow and inauthentic relationships. Again!!!! Don't get me wrong....I'm not trying to make these people look like they are the bad ones here. I was as equally responsible for creating this kind of an unhealthy and inauthentic relationships with these people as they were. It's just that there came a point in my life when I decided that I didn't want to have this type of a relationships anymore and that instead I want to find new friends with whom I will be authentic, safe, understood, supported, creative, spontaneous, healthy, free and happy. I also started to live healthier lifestyle. I quit smoking (about 5 years ago) and I even stopped drinking alcohol (I have been sober for 4 years). I also stopped eating red and bird meat, but I still eat some fish and I try my best to decrease the usage of dairy in my diet (cheese and ice cream are the hardest ones). When I healed from tuberculosis, I thought that finally my life is getting better, but life hit me hard when after only a few months, I started to develop obsessive compulsive disorder and social anxiety, and not long after that I also developed a Misophonia (severe reaction on specific noises that triggers me badly and gives me very bad anxiety). At the beginning these disorders were mild and I was still able to go outside and even go to the work, which I had at that time, but with every next month these disorders got worse and worse, until they became so bad that it started to get very hard for me to go outside, because it took me many hours to do my obsessive rituals, before I was able to go outside. Then my disorders became so severe that I wasn't able to go outside at all. In these last 3 years, I was able to go outside only 5 times. The last time when I was able to go outside was on May 12, 2016 (27 months ago) and even then I went at the night time, when there was dark outside and streets were empty. There were almost no people and only few cars that passed me by. After not being able to go outside for so long, it is very painful for me to even look outside the window, so I do that very rarely. My OCD consists of compulsive cheking, repeating, counting, putting, doing and arranging things in a certain or specific way, order and symmetry. I have obsessive thoughts and I constantly worry about a lot of things. I also have a severe fear of germs. But in my case, the only germs I'm afraid of is the germs of my father's and grandmother's and because I live together with them, I'm afraid to touch anything in the apartment with my bare hands, except for my bed and a small amount of my stuff that are on my floor-standing shelves. I'm not afraid to touch things with my bear hands that has been bought on online, even though I know that there were people who touched these items before me, but I do have a certain way how I take these items out of a package, so that there are no grandmothers or fathers germs on them. For some reason It's the germs of my father's and grandmother's that I'm extremely afraid of. But because I know that my mother also touches those things that my father and grandmother does, I'm also afraid to touch or hug my mother, but at the same time I do eat the meal that my mother makes for me. Because of my severe OCD, I'm unable to make meal for myself. I know that it all sounds very complicated, confusing, illogical and that it's hard to understand how my brain works. It's very hard for me to properly explain my fear of my father's and grandmother's germs and how this fear affects my daily life and how I need to do things in a certain way, because of this fear. As I already mentioned, the only things that I touch with my bear hands is my own bed and a small amount of my stuff that are on my floor-standing shelves. When I do my compulsive rituals and I need to touch things that my grandmother and father also touches, like toilet flush button, door handles, light switches, or stuff in the kitchen and a lot of other stuff, I only touch these things with pocket tissues that I fold in many layers, so that there is thick enough barrier between my skin and these germy items. My mother buys me on online a large amount of pocket tissue packs. Often times I open doors and switch the lights with my feet, with my flip-flops on, so that these germs don't get onto my skin. That's actually one more reason why I'm afraid to go outside, even at night time when there is no people on the streets, because I'm afraid that my grandmother will touch my bed or my stuff secretly behind my back, because as long as I can remember, she has been a sneaky person, who takes another person's things without permission and she can look straight into your eyes and lie that she hasn't take or touch anything. I'm afraid that she will secretly touch my stuff and that she will leave her germs on them. I don't trust that women at all. Even though she knows about my disorders, she is mostly ignorant about it and one day when she had an argument with my mother about my disorders, I overheard that she told my mother that she thinks that I'm just manipulating. When I heard her saying that, it felt so painful to know that after seeing how I suffer and struggle daily with my OCD and my other disorders, my grandmother thinks that I'm just manipulating. It's very painful, that from an early childhood I have to live in the same room with this verbally and mentally abusive person. My daily life mostly consists of stressful obsessive thoughts and compulsive rituals, like compulsively cheking, repeating, counting, putting and doing things in a specific or certain way. Because of my OCD I need to eat in a certain way, I need to go to the toilet in a certain way and do other daily things in a certain ritualistic way. Basically most of the daily things that normally are simple every day things, I do them in a certain or specific ritualistic compulsive way, which for me is like mental and physical torture and these compulsive rituals are very time and energy consuming for me. In the beginning when I started to develop OCD, I tried few times to force myself to not do these compulsive rituals, but when I didn't do them I felt this very intense anxiety feeling like my life is in a danger and even though I rationally knew that there's no danger around me, in the feeling space, it literally felt like I'm in a life-threatening situation and my heart started to pound like crazy and my breathing became very shallow and constricted. So even though I desperately want to stop doing these daily compulsive rituals which for me are very stressful, physically painful, energy and time consuming, I can't do it, because the feeling that I get when I don't do these compulsive rituals is much, much, much worse. This feeling is literally terrifying!!!! I even have a compulsion to repeat, count, check, put and do certain things in a certain number of times. For example, before I go for a pee, most of the times I have a compulsive urge to flush the toilet exactly 3 times, sometimes I have a compulsion to do it exactly 4 times. And after peeing I mostly have a compulsive urge to flush the toilet exactly 9 times, sometimes even more than that. When I go to the toilet for a poop, most of the times before pooping I have a compulsion to flush the toilet at least 7 times, but after pooping I have a compulsion to flush the toilet literally 15 times (often times even more than that). And flushing toilet many times is actually the least stressful and an embarressing thing that I feel compulsion to do. After peeing I have other compulsive rituals that I do, that I'm too embarrassed to write about and that are much more stressful for me then the flushing. For me peeing process and the compulsive rituals that go with it, takes me at least 24 minutes to do, often times it takes me even longer than that. Hand washing is NOT included in these 24 minutes. Peeing process is so stressful for me that for the majority of time I go for a pee only when I need it so badly, that I literally risk to pee my pants and I actually have peed my pants about 14 times because my bladder wasn't able to hold it anymore. I drink only 2 glasses (last few months only 1 glass) of water a day, so that I don't have a need to go for a pee as often. I go for a poop only every fourth day (last few months only every sixth day) Because of my OCD, going for a poop is very stressful, physically painful and time consuming process for me and I eat only as much, so that I have some energy to live through the day. I go for a poop only when I need it so badly, that I start to have cramps in my lower abdominal area. There are also a lot of before and after compulsive rituals that go with the pooping process. I won't go into details about these rituals, but I will tell that after pooping I wipe my but literally with 23 pieces of pocket tissue sheets (yes, the number I wrote is the correct one) and because I do it in a harsh way (also a compulsion), I end up with a light but painful abrasions on my butts skin. To be clear, I don't wipe my butt with 23 pocket tissue sheets put together at once. I wipe with each peace of sheet separately and because of that wiping process, it by itself takes me a long time to do. Because I use such a big amount of the pocket tissue sheets, toilet often gets clogged. There are also other compulsive rituals that I do before and after pooping process. It takes me at least 3 hours (often times even longer) to do my compulsive rituals when I need to go poop. The pooping process by itself is very short, it's the compulsive rituals that are very time consuming and stressful, that I do before and after pooping process. The pooping process and the compulsive rituals that go with it, are so stressful and physically painful for me, that I rather eat a small amounts of food, than go to the toilet every day. Because of my compulsive rituals it takes me at least 50 minutes to make my bed, but most days it takes me even longer than that. There have been few times when it took me even up to 3 hours to make my bed. I also have compulsive rituals that I do when I'm in the kitchen that also consists of checking, counting, repeating, putting and doing things in certain way, order and symmetry. I also have a long ritual that I have compulsion to do right before I go to sleep, which also consists of checking, counting, repeating and putting things in a certain way, order and symmetry. Most days these before sleep compulsive rituals will take me only about a hour to do, but some days it takes me even longer than that. When I'm talking about my daily compulsive rituals and the amount of time that it takes me to do them, I'm not trying to exaggerate, it literally takes so much time for me to do my daily compulsive rituals. Sometimes there are moments when I get so frustrated with my compulsive rituals or with my life in general, that I just want to rip my heart out of my chest or I just want to stop existing. I haven't taken a shower or a bath for more than a 26 months, because I have a compulsion to do these things also in a certain ritualistic and harsh way, and I also have a fear of my father's and grandmother's germs that are on the bathroom floor, walls, shelves and in the bathtub itself. And even though being unclean and smelly makes me feel disgusted about myself, I don't take a shower or a bath, because this process is just too fearful, stressful, physically painful, energy and time consuming for me. I won't go into details about these shower or bath rituals, but I rather be unclean and smelly, than to go through this mentally and physically torturing process. The last time when I managed to take a bath(including hair washing), it literally took me about 7 hours to do my all compulsive rituals while I was taking a bath. And that was more than a 26 months ago when my OCD rituals and fear of germs were in a moderate stage. I'm afraid to even think about how stressful and painful it would be, and how long it would take me to take a bath now when my OCD is developed in a severe stage. After I stopped taking a bath or a shower, for a while I did clean myself once a week with wet wipes, but because I did it also in a compulsive ritualistic and harsh way, I stopped doing that too. Because of these severe compulsive rituals, I also haven't washed my hair in more than a 26 months and the same goes for brushing my teeth. I do however clean my teeth and gums with a toothpick, but I do that only once every 3 weeks, because when I start to clean them I do it also in a compulsive ritualistic way and I clean them at least for a one hour, and because I do it also in a harsh way, I end up with bleeding and sore gums. I clean my ears also once every tree weeks and I clean them also with a toothpick and also in a compulsive ritualistic and a harsh way. I keep my unclean greasy hair in a bun. I rarely comb them, because I do that also in a compulsive ritualistic and harsh way, but when I do comb them, I do it with my fingers and a toothpick. I do not use a hairbrush or a comb. I also have a compulsion to intentionally and in a harsh way rip out with my fingers a single strands of my hair when I comb them. Sometimes I rip out only about 5 single hair strands, other times even more than that. One of the last times when I combed my hair, I got so frustrated and stressed while I was doing my hair combing compulsive rituals, that for a moment I even considered to shave off all my hair. The last time when I combed my hair was literally more than a 10 months ago (before that I combed my hair about once a month) and it took me about two and a half hours to do my hair combing rituals. Because I haven't combed my hair for so long, they are so badly tangled together, that they are like one big dreadlock, that is twisted into a bun. At this point I'm not even sure if I will be able to untangle my hair. When my scalp gets itchy, which is often, I have a compulsion to scratch it in a harsh painful way. Basically most of the compulsive rituals regarding my skin, hair, teeth, nails and body in general, for some reason I have a compulsion to perform these rituals in a harsh painful way and it makes me very sad that instead of treating myself and my body in a gentle way, I do the opposite by being harsh to myself. Also I daily feel physically very tired (Chronic fatigue), which makes this all situation even worse. There are a lot of other OCD related things that makes my everyday life very hard, stressful and painful (often times even physically), but some of them are too hard for me to explain and others ar too embarrassing for me, to write about them. At the moment I just don't have enough strength and courage to be fully open and write about all my OCD related things, that I struggle with, because I feel too ashamed of most of them and even if I did have a courage, it would take me a lot of time to write and properly describe in detail about all my obsessive thoughts and compulsive rituals which consists of compulsively cheking, repeating, counting, organizing, arranging, putting and do every day things in a certain or specific way. I probably would end up writing a whole book. I often have a paranoia that people who are walking outside by my building, might look at my apartment window and laugh at me, because of my compulsive rituals that I do. I have a paranoia that someone might record me doing my compulsive rituals and might put it on youtube, so that the whole world can laugh about me and say mean things about me. This paranoia gets even worse when it gets dark outside and because I have see through curtains in the kitchen, and in the room where I sleep my grandmother doesn't close the curtains at all, so it is very easy to see from the outside what happens in the apartment when the lights are switched on. So when there is dark outside, I do my rituals in the kitchen with lights beeing switched off, but when I do my rituals in the room where I sleep, I have no choice, but to do them while curtains are fully open and lights are switched on, because I live in the same room with my grandmother and she's the one who has the most control of this room. I also often have panic attacks and on June 30, 2018 I experienced my sixth seizure. I often have nightmares. Sometimes these nightmares are so bad, that I wake up from them with a panic attacks. I also often have panic attacks when I'm awake and when I get triggered very badly by something, like when I accidentally touch something, that has on it my father's or grandmother's germs, or from certain noises that triggers me badly. In my case I get triggered daily by a lot of things, but because of my severe select sound sensitivity syndrome, I mostly get triggered very badly by most of the noises that my father or grandmother makes, for example like when they are walking around apartment, eating(chewing and slurping noises), drinking(sipping and gulping noises), yawning, noises when she is going to the toilet (peeing and pooping noises), walking and doing something in the kitchen that makes noises, or when my grandmother washes dishes and from a lot of other daily things that they both do and that makes noises. Because of our small apartment and thin walls, I'm able to hear most of the noises, that my grandmother and father makes. I also get triggered very badly by a lot of other things, that don't consist noises but are visual, for example when I accidentally see how my grandmother in a disgusting way cleans her greasy and germy mouth in a kitchen towel, and then with this same, already dirty and germy towel, she cleans kitchen table and dishes, or when she puts completely greasy and dirty kitchen knife back into the knife holder. She also washes dishes in a very sloppy way and because she washes them in plain and cold water, these dishes after washing are still greasy and there are still left some residue on them. There are a lot of other visual things that my grandmother or my father do that triggers me really badly. When I see these visual things, I have intense terrible feeling like their germs are all over the place and because of this, it feels like everything around me is life-threatening to me. But at the same time I rarely get triggered by my mothers presence or her noises that she makes. With her it happens so rarely that it doesn't bother me much. But that's probably because my mother is the only person who supports me emotionally and tries to understand me and my disorders. She tries her best to help me, even though she herself has suffered all her life. In her childhood her mother (my grandmother) mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abused her and the other half of her life, my father mentally, verbally and few times physically abused her, and after all this mental and emotional torture that she went through, she still hasn't been able to divorce him. After that incident when my father being drunk got insane, wrecked apartment and started to trow things at her, my mother did file for the divorce, but after she did that, my father who at that time lived separately, did that another incident, where he started to choke himself in front of me and then stabbed himself deeply in the upper leg with a kitchen knife, and before that choking and knife stabbing incident he also did another self harming thing. I remember when he lived separately and he took me and my brother to the nearest pizzeria, I saw that his whole lower arm was covered with scratches. According to him, he got those scratches after punching a car window with that arm. So after those self harming incidents that my father did, my mother got very scared of what else he might do and on top of that my grandfather (from my father's side), who was alive at that time, literally begged my mother to take my father back, so my mother after all this pressure, that was put on her, in the end she did take my father back. And even though my father continued to be mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive to her, she still hasn't been able to divorce him. Probably because she was and still is afraid of all the possible potential bad things that might happen if she will divorce him. Not so long time ago I asked my mother, why won't she divorce my father and she answered me, that because of her low income, she isn't able to support us financially on her own. Then I asked her, if she won more than a million euros on the Lottery and she wouldn't have to worry about supporting us financially, would she then be able to divorce my father!? After I asked her that question, she didn't know what to answer, so I assume that she still, out of fear, wouldn't be able to divorce my father. One day my mom told me that she believes that she can make my father a better person. It's so painful to know, that after all of these many years of abuse, my mom still thinks that she can make my father a better person. Maybe she will make him a little bit better person, but she deserves more than just a better person. She deserves a man who will protect her and be gentle to her. A man who will be happy to meet her needs and who will be happy to support her emotionally, physically and financially. She deserves a man who will love all of her unconditionally. Often times I'm in a fear and paranoia, that something bad might happen, like for example I'm afraid that my mom might die in some kind of an accident, or my dad might die in a car crash, or that our apartment might set on fire or there might be another some kind of a devastating accident. I'm in fear of going outside, because I'm afraid of people. I'm paranoid that people might critize and judge me about something, or that they might make fun of me. I'm afraid that if I will go outside I might embarrass myself by having a sudden panic attack or seizure, or by accidentally falling on the street or on the floor in the mall, or that I might accidentally drop something in the store and break it, or by doing something else embarrassing, or do something that isn't considered appropriate by the majority of society, and that people might start to criticize and judge me. Even though I don't go outside anymore, I still constantly feel threatened by other people's opinions and their judgments about me. I'm even afraid that if I go outside, there might be a lot of mean people, who might choose me as their target and make fun of me only because they get pleasure from doing it. I'm also very sensitive to smells, food and even fabrics. Basically I have a high sensitivity to everything that surrounds me and it makes my life very hard, stressful and painful. I stoped smoking about 5 years ago and I haven't drink alcohol for more than a 4 years, but I still crave sugar and even though when I eat unhealthy sweets and snacks, I can feel how badly my body reacts to it, the craving is just to strong. Every day I feel anxious, stressed and physically very tired and weak. I get mental triggers a lot and often times my heart is pounding like a crazy. From time to time I suffer with bad stomach ulcer pain, which I developed about 8 years ago. Even crying process for me is physically painful. When I cry, my eyes start to sting realy bad. It feels as if someone had squeezed a lemon juice in my eyes. I started to have this eye problem about the same time when I developed a stomach ulcer and my already bad eyesight with time gets worse and worse, but I don't wear glasses, because when I wear them I can clearly see how dirty and in how bad condition is the place where I live in. I rather have a blurry vision than to cleary see this dirtiness around me, which also makes me anxious, stressed and triggered. I often harshly judge and critize myself for the wrong, bad and shameful things that I have done in the past and that I regret. I still struggle with accepting my past mistakes and to forgive myself and I feel a very strong hate towards myself. Also the feeling of shame and guilt is very strong in me. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and free. I feel like I need to earn my happiness and freedom and I feel like I will never be good enough. For the last 2 years, I have done a lot of shadow work and doing it helped me become aware of a lot of destructive and limiting beliefs that I have, and also become aware of my many suppressed aspects and other things about my self and my childhood traumas, that I wasn't aware before, but the more I do the shadow work, inner child and part work, the more sensitive I get and everything around me feels even more threathening. I know that I need to get out of this apartment and stay in a place where it is safe and comfy for me, but I have nowhere else to stay. I don't have the money and my family is financially struggling, and even if I did have a safe and comfy place to stay, I'm afraid that I might not be able to leave, because I'm afraid to leave my mother with my abusive father and grandmother, and there is also belief in me that I'm the one who is responsible for my mother's and also my father's life and that it will be my fault if there will happen something bad to them and I won't be there with them at that time, to help prevent this bad thing from happening. The fact that I have a severe obsessive compulsion disorder and a fear of interaction with people (social anxiety) and severe reaction to specific noises, that triggers me badly, and that everyday I have to live in the same room with a person (my grandmother) who's presence feels threatening to me, makes this all situation even worse. And when my father also is at home (because of his job, he's mostly at home only two or tree days in a week), my life gets even more stressful. I feel like I'm in a trap and there is no exit. And to make matters even more worse, last year, on a October 20, 2017 died my beloved cat who lived with our family for about 17 years. I had such a strong bond with her. She was the only being who gave me unconditional love. I miss her so much. ******Suppressed aspects of me that I'm becoming aware of****** •••There is a painfull war inside me between my many aspects/splits. There is an aspect of me who desperately wants to go outside and have a connection with people, but then there is also an aspect of me who is extremely afraid of the outside world and the people, because this aspect don't trust the people and the universe at large. This aspect is afraid to be authentic, because it thinks that by being authentic people will judge it, shame it and reject it. This aspect also is afraid to be vulnerable, because it believes that people will use my vulnerability against me. •••There is also an aspect of me who is extremely physically weak and it have a very low energy circulation in it. This aspect desperately wants caring, support, safety and protection. It wants to be nurtured. It actually wants to be weak because it is tired of being responsible of everything and anyone else. And this aspect believes that the only way how it will get to be nurtured is by being so weak that it has no energy left to take care of herself anymore, so that someone else needs to take care of her. •••There is an aspect of me who actually wants to have a luxurious life and travel around the world while staying in luxurious hotels. This aspect feels strong jealousy, when I watch youtube videos with peoples who have luxurious life. This aspect wants to be financialy supported by a romantic partner and it wants to have nice and luxurious things like pretty clothes, jewellery, gifts and other nice things, but it took me a long time to finally admit it, because I didn't want to sound like a lazy spoiled brat and selfish person. I didn't want to look like those girls that are together with guys that fully support them financially and buy them a lot of nice and fancy stuff, because I myself always have judged those girls, by thinking that they don't love those guys and that they are just using them and that they are spoiled brats who don't deserve all of those nice things and gifts, because they didn't work hard to get those things. Lately I'm becoming more and more aware of why I have these judgmental thoughts and shame based beliefs. Like most children do, when I was a little girl I also wanted to have things like toys, pretty clothes and other children type of stuff that required money and when I asked my father to buy me those things, most of the times my father made me feel guilt and shame for asking him to buy me those things, especially when he was drunk, by saying to me that I'm only using him for his money. Because of that guilt and shame, for many years I suppressed an aspect of me who actually wants to be financially supported by someone else. For many years I told myself a story that in order to have a real loving relationship I first have to be financially independent and earn money on my own, so that when I meet a guy with whom I will want to have a romantic relationship, I wouldn't need to ask him for a financial support, so that he doesn't think that I'm using him only for his money. So for many years there was a belief in me that I can't have a financial support and love at the same time. There are a lot of other negative and limiting beliefs in me and my family regarding money, that I'm aware of. For example! In my family there is a belief that most of the rich people are the bad guys who get money in a unfair way, mostly by stealing it from others and that money in general is root of all evil, and that by being humble(money wise) you are a good person. Also there is a belief in our family that you need to work hard to earn money. There are more other negative and limiting beliefs in me regarding money, that I'm becoming aware of. •••There is another aspect of me who feels shame about feeling jealous, because from an early age I was taught that jealousy is a very bad emotion. My grandmother always shamed me when I said that I was jealous by something or someone, because she have a belief that jealousy is a sin. !!!At this moment I have a strong intuition to also mention that I often times feel very ugly and very beautiful at the same time. This feeling is very painful and very confusing and by saying this I feel a very strong feeling of shame!!! •••There is also an aspect of me that have suppressed my feminine side. This awareness for me was very shocking, because I always have liked girly stuff, but now I'm aware that there are more to the femininity, than just physical stuff that society consider as girly stuff. Even though I like to wear girly clothes and like other girly stuffs, on a energetic level I have been suppressing a lot of other feminine traits like softness, vulnerability, openness and my ability for receiving also has been blocked. Most of my life the dominant energy in me was masculine energy, because masculine energy for me felt safer than feminine energy. From an early age I was taught (mostly by my grandmother) that my mission as a girl in this life is to get married in young age, have a children, take care of my husband and do housework, and that I must start to realize these things in my early 20s. All my life I have watched how my mother was struggling as a wife and as a mother and on top of that she did most of the housework. The only support that she got from my father was financial support, because my father have a belief that women is the one who is responsible for raising children and do housework. By seeing how my mother struggled as a women and seeing how most women in general struggles in our society, my mind on a subconscious level made a belief, that it is unsafe to be a women in this world, so as a result I suppressed a big part of my femininity and I let the masculine energy to be the dominant one, so that I can feel safer in this world. •••I also became aware of the aspect in me that have suppressed my sexuality and in general my mindset about sexuality was very unhealthy. From an early age I was taught that sexuality is something shameful and in our family sex was a big taboo subject. I remember when I was less than a 9 years old, I accidentally found my father's porn magazines in my parents' closet. Being very curious child, I looked through the pages and when my grandmother walked in my parents' room and saw that I was looking at this porn magazine, she started yelling at me in a very aggressive way by calling me in bad names and shaming me, even though it wasn't my fault that these porn magazines was put by my father in a easily accessible place. At that moment I felt like I did some kind of a horrible and shameful crime. Also from my childhood I remember that my mentaly and verbaly abusive father would be nice towards my mother at those times when he wanted to have sex with her. I'm sure that there was a lot of other traumatic incidents regards of sexuality that I experienced in my childhood, but my brain have suppressed those memories. But thankfully I'm also aware that there are ways how you can express your sexuality in a healthy, positive, empowering, artistic, creative and beautiful way. •••Not long ago I became aware of the aspect which was very deeply suppressed in me and I feel a very strong shame and guilt that is attached to this aspect. This is the aspect of me who feels hate towards my blind cousin. When I was little, my needs and boundaries often times was conflicting with my cousin's needs and boundaries, but because she was the one who was not only abandoned by her parents, but she is also blind and with other health problems, her needs and wants was considered more valid and important than mine. Not only do my needs was ignored or neglected because of it, I also often got shamed (especially by my grandmother) for having needs and wants that conflicted with my cousin's needs and wants. •••Also an aspect of me that feels like my existence is making other people's lives (especially my parents' lives) more difficult, complicated and frustrating, and that it would be better and easier for everyone if I just didn't exist. •••There is a split in me between one aspect that wants me to love it no matter how many mistakes or shameful things it has made in the past or might make in the future and the other aspect who feels strong shame and guild about the many things that I have done in the past, that I consider as a past mistakes and regrets, and it is afraid that I might make mistakes and bad decisions in the future. •••There is another split in me between the aspect that wants to be significant and admired, and the other aspect that feels strong shame and guilt for wanting those things, and also is afraid to be seen and heard. •••Another split between the aspect who is desperate to be perfect and look perfect and the other aspect who is sick and tired of trying to be perfect and look perfect. I'm so tired of feeling bad about my flaws and imperfections and always obsess over my physical appearance. I became aware that the reason behind this split is because when I was a little child my mother would often obsess over how I looked and often times she would shame me regards to my looks and appearance. I remember when I was little she would often times say to me that beauty requires sacrifice. My mother is former ballerina. •••Also a split between one aspect that have a lot of different needs, wants and desires, and another aspect that feels strong shame for wanting those things and it thinks that I don't deserve those things and that I need to earn them and work hard for them. •••Split between the aspect of me who wants to communicate and hang out with people, and the other aspect of me who is extremely afraid of being rejected. This aspect would rather be alone than to try communicate with someone and take the risk of being rejected. This aspect also have a fear of being shamed, judged and criticized by others. •••There are more other aspects/splits of me that I'm aware of, like an aspect of me who is in extreme rage and an aspect who feels strong disgust and hate towards herself and many more other aspects that I'm aware of. I mean!!!!! I could write a whole another very long post about these suppressed aspects of me. I also want to mention that when I was about 19 years old, one day, when I was looking at myself in the mirror I felt very strong hate and disgust towards myself and out of rage I chopped my long hair to short (neck length). I also felt strong feeling of despair and after I chopped my hair my hands started shaking like crazy and I also had a feeling like my head will explode. That was very intense and painful experience. My friends didn't know that I chopped my hair in a very painful state of mind, they thought that I cut my hair because I wanted a new look. I decided that I also want to tell you and be open about a horrible thing I did to a little girl when I was an early teenager. She was about 5 years old at that time. I picked her up from the grass and let her think that I will be playing with her, but instead I intentionally put her sitting on a dog shit and I laughed at her. For some reason I thought that it was very funny. She started crying, but I continued to laugh at her. I know that what I did was very horrible and I feel strong guilt because of what I did. I hate myself for that and I still can't forgive myself for doing that horrible thing to this girl. By writing my story and re-experiencing my life again through words, I now understand that it's not my disorders that are making my life painful and miserable. These disorders actually are trying to tell me how much pain, trauma, suffering and isolation I have experienced in my childhood, that I ended up with these disorders in the first place. There is a part of me, who despite the fact that it has suffered all it's life, still wants to commit to the life and believes that life is more than just a suffering and pain. This part of me believes in freedom, connection, happiness and love. It is the same part of me who believes that I have chosen the path of a Lotus flower, who even though grows in a dark, murky environment and goes through the many obstacles that life gives her, she is still able to rise, surface and blossom, so that the whole world can see her authentic, unique and true colors! And even though her stem is deeply rooted in a mud that mostly consists of painful experiences, she is still strong enough to hold and rise her sensitive flower bud, from which her radiant, vibrant and beautiful petals will emerge! Solvita B.
  4. Solvita

    The first one is heart chakra inspired mandala. I experimented with my natural homemade oil paint(walnut oil mixed with mica pigment).
  5. Asking For Financial Freedom!!!!! I am asking for a Patron (NOT a sugar daddy), but a genuine and trustworthy Patron who will give me financial freedom, so that I can do, learn, experience, explore, create and have everything I need, want and desire in this lifetime. I want to experience the feeling of being financially free and when I close my eyes for the last time, I want to die with the knowing that I just didn't exist in this life as a slave to the system and my own mind, but that I have actually lived my life to the fullest by being Free and Happy!!!!!!!! Person who feels inspired to give me financial freedom write me at solvita.lotus@gmail.com
  6. Solvita

    Paldies par saulainajiem sveicieniem! =) Ziemai tepat jau aiz stūra esot, tieši saulaini sveicieni ir tas, kas mums šobrīd, šeit Latvijā dzīvojošajiem ir vajadzīgs. =)
  7. Discovered this band about 5 years ago and instantly fell in love with the musical masterpieces, that these girls create. The song below is one of my favorites. Interestingly, the color Burgundy (the name of this song), is my favorite color. =) P.S It would be awesome, to have the opportunity to create a cover design, for one of this bands future albums.
  8. Solvita

    Sveika! Vai tu varētu uzrakstīt savu e-pasta adresi? Man priekš tevis ir gara vēstulīte, kuru vēlos nosūtīt, bet tavā blogā pie kontaktiem pieminēto e-pasta adresi, man inbox.lv uzrāda kā neeksistējošu.
  9. Solvita

    Now that I know, how easy it actually was I feel even more stupid, but at the same time I'm laughing at myself (in a positive way). Thank you! =)
  10. Solvita

    I feel stupid for asking this, but how do I embed a Youtube video into this post??? =)
  11. Solvita

    Sveiks! Bija ļoti interesanti lasīt tavu stāstu, jo pati arī esmu dzimusi Latvijā (vēl joprojām dzīvoju). Cik tev bija gadi, kad pārvācies dzīvot uz Berlīni. Vai vēl joprojām pārzini Latviešu valodu!!! =) Hey! It was very interesting to read your story, because I too was born in Latvia (still living). How old were you when you moved to Berlin? Do you still know how to speak in Latvian? =)
  12. Solvita

    Sending loving vibrations from Latvia!!! I am very interested in hearing what Teal has to say about Latvia and people that lives in this country. =)
  13. “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist Hey Everyone!!! It took me some time to finally get the strength to write this post, which is also my very first post here. English isn't my native language, but I will try my best to make sense. So here it goes....... I am asking the Universe for what I want and here is the list...... ❊ I want to have the freedom, to do whatever I want and to go wherever&whenever I want. ❊ I want to feel significant, save, protected, comfortable, relaxed, authentic, worthy, wanted, important, supported, understood, validated, loved, appreciated, confident, empowered, brave, beautiful, attractive, desirable, radiant, inspired, creative, happy, joyful, excited, passionate, feminine, soft, allowing, sensual, sexual, powerful, active, lively, energized and free. ❊ I want to have a healthy and energized body. ❊ I want to have a financial freedom and abundance. ❊ I want to have people in my life with whom I will have a close and authentic friendships and with whom I will feel a strong sense of belonging. ❊ I want a healthy eyes and clear eyesight. ❊ I want a aesthetically pleasent and comfy physical living place where I will feel save, comfortable, ralaxed, happy and free. I want to organize and decorate this place as I please. I want to do everything I want and need in this place. I want this place to have a big beautiful fireplace and wooden rustic style Alchemy kitchen and I want to fill it with a lot of different kind of organic essential oils, tea blends, herbs&spices and I want this kitchen to be a place where I will make my own organic essential oil blends, aromatic candles, home made natural beuty products and also make healthy and tasty foods and drinks. ❊ I want to have creative freedom and I want to express my self freely by doing different kind of creative things, like draw Mandalas, practice Mehndi art, practice pour painting, make my own jewellery, design my own clothes and do a lots of different kind of DYI creative projects. ❊ I want to practice roller skating and I want to master it like Moxi Girls- Amy West and Michelle Steilen. ❊ I want to have Moxi 'Jack' Roller skates. ❊ I want to practice yoga, basic gymnastics, snowboarding, horseback riding and kitesurfing ❊ I want to do something very creative and meaningful, that will greatly impact a huge amount of people around the world in a positive way. ❊❊❊I want to have a Romantic Partner❊❊❊ ❊ I want a romantic partner with whom I will feel deep and intense emotional, mental, physical and sexual connection. ❊ I want a romantic partner who is creative, artistic, authentic, honest, trustworthy, supportive, brave, kind, gentle, caring, compassionate, strong, spontaneous, active, curious, open minded, passionate, happy, joyful, confident, radiant, sexual, adventurous, relaxed, free spirited and with a very good sense of humor. ❊ I want a romantic partner with a deep and intense but at the same time gentle and charming eyes, charming smile, pleasent voice, healthy and energized body. ❊ I want a romantic partner with whom I will feel significant, save, protected, comfortable, relaxed, authentic, worthy, wanted, important, supported, understood, validated, loved, appreciated, confident, beautiful, radiant, creative, happy, joyful, passionate, feminine, soft, allowing, sexual, powerful, energized and free. ❊ I want a romantic partner with whom I will feel safe to be vulnerable and who will do everything in his power to protect me. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will look at my fears and pain with care and understanding. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love my authentic self. ❊ I want a romantic partner who's happiness is to support me emotionally, mentally and physically. ❊ I want a romantic partner who's happiness is to meet my needs and wants. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will be brave enough to look deep into my soul. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will look at me like I'm one of the most beautiful being he has ever seen. I want him to look at my fearful and painful history and my shadow side like they are beautiful and unique oil paints, which helped to create my personality abstract painting, which he so deeply and intensely admired when he first saw it. ❊ I want a romantic partner who's happiness is to support me financially. ❊ I want a romantic partner with whom I will smile and laugh very often. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love to practise a healthy and environmentally friendly lifestyle with me. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love to convert school bus in to skoolie with me so we could travel around the world together to see and experience a lot of different kind of things like beautiful views, nature, historical buildings and different kind of cultures, as much as we want. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love to do different kind of creative projects together with me. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love to practice acro yoga with me and will love to do with me other different kind of active things like hiking, tree climbing, mountain biking and snowboarding. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love both, the light and the shadow side of me. ❊ I want a romantic partner who will love all of me. I am open and ready to receive all of my wants!!!