Ryuraven

I am excited for the new year! Been waiting for this forecast and it all sounds pretty good to me. It's been needing to happen. 2019 really taught me that the universe will take any plan you have, throw it out the window and hand you a better one. It sucks when you keep looking out the window "why the fuck did you throw that out I want it back" and can't see the new thing that's being offered because of it. But I've learned this, and am even expecting it to happen again. I have a sense of a plan, several things that I want to do this year, but even though I have chosen a way to do it, I try to be ready in case the universe decides to throw things off course. Not getting attached to the how to, or even the ultimate end result. Simply a choosing of direction, not a destination. That is how I hope to approach the future. Let's take this ride and enjoy it.

I would get stressed if I had to do that. Just watching it... Tiny precision work like that makes my whole body itch until I just have to jump up and do something physical like pushups to shake it off. Which I guess sounds like I use exercise to deal with stress but I really don't. I get too up in my head to even think of exercise. Maybe I should try it though, because I don't have a stress relieving activity. I tend to just think on it until I find a way to resolve whatever issue is making me stressed.

Only joined fb recently and couldn't figure out which Teal tribe was run by Teal's team. I think I tried to join one of them because why not, but never got accepted. Kinda forgot about it until now. I haven't cared much since my experience with diving into spiritual circles is that everyone thinks they're on the best path even though they all have drastically different perspectives and it can get very confusing. It also creates a type of group pressure to put on a spiritual persona and do as many woke things as possible every day. I prefer spirituality as a way of knowing how to deal with problems when they come up, and maybe a 'happy coincidence' conversation with someone I didn't know was into that stuff. I guess I tend to avoid getting into spiritual circles because they don't feel human enough, at least to me.

That has been the theme of the past few days. Seeing how the things of the past weren't working out. Having to let go. And despite the pain of letting go of something I loved, it helps me to look towards the future as an ocean of potential. I've never actually been able to look further ahead than 2 weeks. Sure, I knew I'd have to have money for far beyond that, but that's it. Now I feel like even if I don't know what's gonna happen, the few desires I have make it feel like I'll have years to make progress on things. It can also be hard to know when you've really let go. If there's closure it's easier, but without that, it can come to mind again even after not thinking about it for a while, just wishing for closure. I don't know if wishing for closure counts as holding on, but if it is, it's not holding on to the positive things.

Every time Teal starts something with "this is gonna piss a lot of people off, but..." I end up wondering how it could ever piss anyone off by the time she's done talking. At worst it's just "dang, I felt that. I need to think on that for a while." I never really plan to compliment anyone, typically I just pass someone on the street and it just comes out. Although I have noticed I'm doing it a bit less lately. Still, planning it may make it feel less authentic and a compliment should come from the heart.

I imagined a desert with sand dunes, so I couldn't see how large the desert was, but the cube was a size that could easily be held. It was black and a few meters away from me, a bit further down the side of the dune. I think it was made from something non-natural. Like plastic but not plastic, idk I don't know much about materials ig. It felt sturdy. The ladder was wooden brown, lying one or two meters down from the cube. It looked like it had slid down fairly recently. I just wondered what a ladder was doing in the desert, away from everything it could be used for. The horse felt like it was in its natural habitat, like it belonged there. It stood between the cube and the ladder, but a little closer to me. Its rear was closest to the cube, but it turned its head to sniff in the direction of the cube. Then the horse jogged up to me. Brown fur and manes, playfully darting around the area, but never going far. No saddle, no reins, free to go wherever it wanted. The storm was a dark cloud, far away. It was a large storm, and even if it were to decide to come my direction it would dissipate before it got there. I don't think it was moving though. (when I got to this part of the exercise there actually was a sound outside that could be mistaken for thunder XD) The flowers sprouted at the lowest point between the dunes, along with some grass. Some lone flowers found their way up the dune the ladder and cube (and me) were on. The horse got all giddy, lifting its legs high while walking in place, then headed over to the patch of grass and flowers and rolled in it. The flowers made it feel like this was no longer a desert. They were white and a light yellow, too many to count.

Growing up in europe in a non-catholic household meant that halloween was just another fall day. My grandmother was catholic so I do remember accompanying her to the graves of her family once, but other than that halloween was just something from cartoons on tv. I just expect to see fog and fall leaves on a chilly day tbh, but since I'm in australia now I would have completely forgotten halloween existed if it were not for that one employee that was dressed up as Wednesday. It was just a wig, really. It's kind of weird to see people make a big deal out of a holiday that doesn't really exist in my experience. Dressing up is for kids during carnival, and sweets is for sinterklaas and easter. Halloween is american culture.

Doing something "for" someone else while really it's all for yourself... I don't see how that applies to me. I've always hated the idea of doing volunteer work because I'd get nothing out of it. Growing up I was never able to do anything to make other people see me as good, so the only way for me to see myself as good was to view my own moral standards as "better" than those of society. (Hence why Zorro was my favorite character, he's the hero, the good guy, always wins but he's seen as a bad guy by the authorities) Since I watched this I'm trying to see how I'm a match to this but I can't figure out how this applies to me. Even if there are things of which I could say that I'm doing them for others, it's really just me doing it for myself while recognizing that it will benefit others as well. It's just a bonus point. I don't think I've ever done anything for anyone else. Out of fear, maybe. Example: I'm vegan because meat tastes bad and I'm lactose intolerant so going vegan seemed like the easiest way to navigate that. I can recognize it also benefits animals and the environment but I really wouldn't bother doing anything for those reasons. I just don't care. I can give several examples of things that I do (or don't do) that benefit others in some way but I'm only in it for my own benefits. So how the fuck does this apply to me?

I actually walked through a golf course for the first time in my life today. Synchronicity

If by making it easier to find out how many people there are in our area you mean making it easy to find the members map, that would be great. Because every time I look for it it takes forever to find it. Such as right now. Kind of why I clicked on this update in the first place.

I want to eat those!!! I hoped I would find a recipe here but alas, I am left to starve. I hope that when she finally gets on top of that cookbook she'll make a second one that's just desserts. Healthy, vegan, sugar-free, gluten-free desserts. And then I'll need a kitchen. tbh I don't care about the gluten thing as I haven't noticed any issues with eating that but if I'm going for healthy desserts why the fuck not? I doubt I'll miss it.

A novel? Teal, now you're speaking my language. I like writing myself, but it mostly came as a replacement for playing with other kids (because they outgrew playing). Still, it's fun to share an imaginary world with others, and I always thought it'd be interesting to see your teachings portrayed in a fictional setting. I'm glad you're doing this.

I never really liked the idea of cut flowers much, but just because they'll die and then there's nothing left. With the whole plant, even if they're done blooming, they'll bloom again. Wanting to enjoy what I got more than once is still selfish but I guess this view is better for the plant. Although I'd love to get a girl flowers. Bringing a potted plant gives with it the responsibility for caring for it, which makes it not fitting for a gift unless said person asked for it.

The problem with these "what's up in the ether" is that I can only watch them at 5-6 pm at the earliest. Most of the day has already passed.

A narcissist is someone who is incapable of taking other people's perspectives into consideration. Yep, accurate for Mike. Love is like the opposite of that. And I know from experience that it is impossible to be both a narcissist and love other people at the same time. Honestly, just fuck off. If you think triggering people purposefully is good, you're just justifying abuse. If you think someone who doesn't even notice you needs you, you're trying to cover up for some massive insecurities. Your burning man thing is all about playfully provoking people into seeing things, well people here have been trying to do that for you but you actively choose ignorance. "Welcome home." Really? Get out of my house. A place with people like you will never feel like home to me. I deserve better. Don't @ me, I'm done.