Ryuraven

The checkout thing was just an example to better explain how I felt. Something like that hasn't happened in years. No amount of shadowwork is going to change the fact that I am annoyed at how nobody fucking cares about how their actions affect others. So what if the best some people can think of to feel safer is to hoard 20 packs of toilet paper? Them feeling slightly safer is not going to help me wipe my ass. Buying a stock of soap just means the next person won't be able to wash their hands, and it won't be enough to make those hoarders feel an actual sense of safety. I'm so fucking sick of everyone telling me I need to care more about how others are feeling when the exact thing I'm pointing out is how nobody is caring about others. I'm just worrying that there won't be enough resources for everyone at the stores and that suicide rates might go up, all because everyone only thinks of themselves. But the second I start to express my feelings I get told I need to care more for others, as if I wasn't already doing that. And in telling me to care more for others specific for the virus and nothing else people are also discarding my feelings. I'm not capable of caring for everyone, that's too fucking stressful. I can get their perspective but I have no better solution. A change in perspective might make people less scared and self centered, but forcing a change in mindset is not a loving thing to do. People need people. Right now I need someone to be able to hold space for how I'm feeling. The ability to hold space for the emotions of others has always been lacking in this society, but because of the virus it gets highlighted. That's why I want this to blow over fast. Because as crappy as it was, we did better in terms of taking care of others emotionally before we panicked over covid. We are so focused on overcoming 1 problem that we are blind to everything else falling apart. Everyone agrees that they want to be well. What we disagree on is what it looks like and how to get there. And since this is a global thing, resolving the cause is not something within my capabilities (and I have no interest in becoming anything related to doctors or therapists). Even if I don't feel that strongly about this, the fact that it lasts so long is what's wearing me down.

If you want to practice taking people as part of yourself, and you depend on blood donations, maybe focusing on how others are literally keeping you alive by physically becoming part of you is a good place to start? And if you were born with that illness, I'd wager those light workers are talking shit. Just like Teal was born extrasensory, maybe you were born with this illness because you could not fulfill or discover your life purpose without? I don't know you so it's just a guess, but maybe really taking others as part of yourself like this plays a role in it? It'd make sense to me, at least based on this single comment of yours.

When I first heard about the virus I just wondered why it was big news. It was still located in Wuhan at the time, which I still have no clue how big that place is, but I never heard of it before. It seemed banal and not really something worth any attention. Since then it's just been an increasingly raised eyebrow to the reaction of other people to it. It's annoying to have to wonder if a service I need will still operate normally, when in my opinion there is no need for any change due to this. I try to find any potential good things this could have but honestly I just want this to blow over already. Even before reading this I had already wondered what affect this would have in terms of connection. No touching and avoiding going out seems really bad for several emotional and physical needs, especially with the governments backing it up. What I feel about this whole thing is equivalent to being next in line at checkout of the supermarket, and the person in front of me is technically done, but they're having a really long chat with the cashier and I just want them to pay so I can go on with my day. That's the same feeling. It's taken long enough, be done with it.

I'm getting better at relating to the people. I used to focus more on their story, and couldn't relate to it because every life experience is different. But now I focus on the emotional aspect of what they talk about and find it pretty easy to relate to. It does mean that the backstory gets longwinded and full of unnecessary details, which makes it too easy for my attention to wander off. "If that's not the right choice, don't make it." Teal just validated my decision to not have a job. And by that I mean I never had a job in my life. I do think I'd want at least a part-time job once I move countries just to make sure I have something to do/not sit bored on bed all day until I figure out what I'd rather do. It just takes feeling good first to feel the need to be out among people, doing more than sitting around.

I barely use facebook, if it's to have conversations you'd probably go unnoticed for months. discord, tumblr and instagram are better since I use those pretty much every day anyway. I'm ryuraven on tumblr and ryuraven_a on insta. same for discord but I think that needs the number too

exactly, it really feeds into the not belonging thing. Let's manifest a new video together!

Let's spam her with requests >:D

Mostly slept tbh. I never know what to pick with things like these meditations. I'm a trans guy so no amount of womb healing is gonna make it feel like there isn't a foreign object in my body. And since I was never raised or treated as a guy idk if or how much of that masculine wound I have. I'd be very interested in seeing you explore more on trans people beyond that video you did a few years ago, because in a way it feels like I can't relate to both men and women.

Thank you! I'm not through sorting yet, but it's already very clear that the things I value most were things I never had growing up (and many still don't have), whereas the things I don't care about are the things that were forced upon me or caused me pain as a child. Funny how that works.

Worst date? I think I've only had one experience that could be called a date and it was pretty bad. I'm a straight trans guy, but at the time I was 15 and trying really hard to be a straight girl. Some friend of my friends asked my number, I didn't think anything of it. Asked me out to a movie over text, I asked if there were any good movies. I didn't realize it was gonna be a date, I never liked to go out alone and just assumed he didn't have anyone else to go with. Met up with him, took the bus to the movie theater, got ourselves a seat on the side of the back row. I always choose a seat near the center but he insisted seats in the back were better, and since I'd never sat there before I figured it was at least worth a try. Midway through the movie or so, he put his arm around my shoulders. It was annoying and uncomfortable, but I decided to just ignore it. A while later, I saw something move from the corner of my eye, so I turned to see what it was. He kissed me. And since I didn't feel like punching him to the hospital for that, I figured that meant I was in love Then he just kept kissing me (badly) while I was honestly just waiting for him to stop so I could get back to watching the movie. It was how to train your dragon (first one) and I have rewatched it like 5 times since, because that is what it took for me to actually be able to remember the ending. I'm usually good at remembering the big plot strokes, but for that particular movie it took a few tries. Probably needed the rewatches to ensure my brain didn't link it to that date experience. I have since decided to never go on a movie date. If I'm watching a movie I don't want to be interrupted, I just like to have someone with me to talk before the movie starts, and to enthusiastically rant about it afterwards. A date should be about experiencing things together (preferably romantic experiences). A movie is just taking something in, regardless of who is around. Teal actually made an ask teal episode on it a few years ago. I don't remember the title but you should be able to find it on her youtube channel.

I am excited for the new year! Been waiting for this forecast and it all sounds pretty good to me. It's been needing to happen. 2019 really taught me that the universe will take any plan you have, throw it out the window and hand you a better one. It sucks when you keep looking out the window "why the fuck did you throw that out I want it back" and can't see the new thing that's being offered because of it. But I've learned this, and am even expecting it to happen again. I have a sense of a plan, several things that I want to do this year, but even though I have chosen a way to do it, I try to be ready in case the universe decides to throw things off course. Not getting attached to the how to, or even the ultimate end result. Simply a choosing of direction, not a destination. That is how I hope to approach the future. Let's take this ride and enjoy it.

I would get stressed if I had to do that. Just watching it... Tiny precision work like that makes my whole body itch until I just have to jump up and do something physical like pushups to shake it off. Which I guess sounds like I use exercise to deal with stress but I really don't. I get too up in my head to even think of exercise. Maybe I should try it though, because I don't have a stress relieving activity. I tend to just think on it until I find a way to resolve whatever issue is making me stressed.

Only joined fb recently and couldn't figure out which Teal tribe was run by Teal's team. I think I tried to join one of them because why not, but never got accepted. Kinda forgot about it until now. I haven't cared much since my experience with diving into spiritual circles is that everyone thinks they're on the best path even though they all have drastically different perspectives and it can get very confusing. It also creates a type of group pressure to put on a spiritual persona and do as many woke things as possible every day. I prefer spirituality as a way of knowing how to deal with problems when they come up, and maybe a 'happy coincidence' conversation with someone I didn't know was into that stuff. I guess I tend to avoid getting into spiritual circles because they don't feel human enough, at least to me.

That has been the theme of the past few days. Seeing how the things of the past weren't working out. Having to let go. And despite the pain of letting go of something I loved, it helps me to look towards the future as an ocean of potential. I've never actually been able to look further ahead than 2 weeks. Sure, I knew I'd have to have money for far beyond that, but that's it. Now I feel like even if I don't know what's gonna happen, the few desires I have make it feel like I'll have years to make progress on things. It can also be hard to know when you've really let go. If there's closure it's easier, but without that, it can come to mind again even after not thinking about it for a while, just wishing for closure. I don't know if wishing for closure counts as holding on, but if it is, it's not holding on to the positive things.

Every time Teal starts something with "this is gonna piss a lot of people off, but..." I end up wondering how it could ever piss anyone off by the time she's done talking. At worst it's just "dang, I felt that. I need to think on that for a while." I never really plan to compliment anyone, typically I just pass someone on the street and it just comes out. Although I have noticed I'm doing it a bit less lately. Still, planning it may make it feel less authentic and a compliment should come from the heart.