Ryuraven

Never drank coffee, never liked it. Thinking about the fed up thing it kinda makes sense bc I've been fed up with so much for so long. Although when I was a kid it was more of a "fed up but powerless to make a change" But I do think I'm out of the fed up stage now, or at least fading out of it, perhaps faster on some subjects than others. "I know what doesn't work so what am I going to do instead?" that's the point I'm at. Looking for what does work.

To me it's more of an impatience. As far as I'm aware, I do believe the universe is going to get me everything I want. It's just a matter of being clear on what I want, and keeping an eye out for inspiration, intuition and opportunities. It's just that I'm not really happy where I am now, and I want to experience the daily life of having the things I want. I tend to get impatient and wanting to skip steps before even knowing exactly what the steps are. Although it does feel like outside pressure is what makes me feel the need to rush, rather than wanting to. If I'm not getting things done fast enough someone's gonna hurt me over it. I know that's my mom's fault bc I don't tell her what I do specifically to avoid her getting on my case. It depends a bit on the situation, of course, but basically put, she expects to see results immediately after knowing the goal. Like if I were to wake up and say "I want to buy a house" she'd expect me to have arranged at least one date for checking out a potential house by dinner time. Might work for her but I like to take time to figure things out. Gotta know what I want in a house before I start looking. (not actually looking for a house rn) So maybe I'm not impatient. Just scared that someone will hurt me if I don't have the end result immediately after starting something. Which means there's no room for mistakes even though mistakes are key in learning what the right way to do things are. Why do parents cause so many problems I'm just trying to live my life in peace

I liked the series of Zorro. Theme is fight for what you believe in even if the authority figures think you're the bad guy. Such a mood. Movie's still good tho

Out of the night, when the full moon is bright; Comes the horseman known as Zorro! This bold renegade carves a Z with his blade, A Z that stands for Zorro! Zorro, the fox so cunning and free; Zorro, who makes the sign of the Z! Fucking loved him as a kid. I'm also pretty sure he's the reason I always wanted a black horse (still do) and secret rooms and corridors in my house. And I swear when I get to biuld my own house I'm gonna have a secret room just because I can. I also always wanted to learn fencing but there wasn't a class for that around, not so much into fighting anymore but I'd still like to take a class once to have the experience. I dragged my brother into fencing matches with knex swords. Kind of got really into swords too. And I love the cloth thing around the waist (not sure what to call it but occasionally I'll feel like wearing something similar) I watched the (1950's) series every day as a kid until they stopped airing it. Then I watched the movies every time they came on tv. I don't get how my parents never got sick of me watching the same 2 movies over and over. Preferred the series though. Then I started to watch tv less and less and missed it so I went to look for the videos and managed to find them on yt. I think I made a playlist with those vids. It's long ago but I'm pretty sure I watched it even before I could read so I didn't even understand a word at first. Growing up adults would occasionally ask kids who they wanted to be like, or who they admired. I don't remember ever answering that question so I guess I either forgot or I managed to slink into the background and avoid notice, but Zorro's the only one that ever came to mind when hearing that question. I always felt like that wasn't a valid answer though. Gotta go, time to rewatch this series ♥

Did quite a bit of work with my womb since my periods get so bad. But the meditations and stuff specifically for that don't fit with me as I'm a guy. I've tried for some problems in my knees but didn't get far with that. And everything else I tried didn't really work.

I did a value exercise with cards a while ago. I put connection as my top value. This made me realize there was no card labeled freedom in that deck because it sure as hell is much more important to me. If I can't be free I can't really be myself, which would make real connection impossible. Moreover, connection is a choice both people must make for it to exist, freedom is inherent in myself and no one can take it away unless I choose to give it away. As important as connection may be, it leaves the door open for someone to control you. But freedom only opens the doors of your choice. Besides, are we not united in our choice to be free? Even if it turns into the shadowy "united against" it still creates a feeling of connection.

Funny how you posted this last night and then when I wake up, my mom says hi, to which I don't respond because, well, I've never greeted someone who lives in the same house as me in my entire life so it doesn't even cross my mind as an option. Also I hate speaking before breakfast, it just puts me in a bad mood for the entire day. And now she was like "When I say hi I want you to say it back. To other people too. I demand it." It felt like she was unreasonably angry over something being the same way it had always been. It does feel like a futile attempt to control me. She wasn't yelling or anything but it almost felt like a temper tantrum. What's putting me in confusion though, is Teal saying "now's not the time to rebel against them" Like, the was she acts around me is like I only have 2 options. Comply (and thus giving my power away) or being the bad guy (thus rebelling). Even if it's not the greeting thing, she'll find something else. She's always been like that. Popping up out of nowhere with a demand, acting like that demand is normal even though it's the first time it's ever brought up in my life. If I give in she'll find something else to demand from me, if I don't give in I'm the problem child. I just do what I feel like doing. If it lines up with what she wants, great. If it doesn't, not my problem. I'm tired of playing her games, if she has a problem, it's not my responsibility to help her avoid it. And as for the taking steps to move forward; I know what I need to do, but something's holding me back. I've tried talking to that part of me, and all I get is "not yet" I get that I needed to de-stress a bit, but I think I've relaxed as much as I can in my current situation so I'm not sure what I still need. I don't want to get started when I know I'll only be able to put in half my energy at best. I want to deal with whatever this is first, so I can have 100% of my energy to put into this when I start. I just wish I knew what I needed, maybe there's a more effective way of going about it.

Freedom. But the way this question is posed is a bit odd. If you are gonna be happy no matter what, you literally have nothing to lose by choosing freedom. Even if it's gonna end up feeling the same, why would you choose a cage over walking through a field of flowers? You'll be happy even if you're homeless and can't find food, and you're too busy being happy to fear death. What exactly are they even gonna do? Ensuring everyone is happy no matter what takes away the use of punishment and reward. "Go live in this factory, you will work on making things with only breaks for food & sleep." "Actually, I'm more in the mood to play games." "You won't have food unless you obey." "Okay, I'm gonna play games now." "We will kill you unless you obey." "That's nice, sweetie." Am I the only one who thinks it'll go like that? Fear is a feeling so if happy is the only thing you're able to feel you can't get scared. You can't grief for losing a loved one if they're killed for not obeying. Things that would otherwise crush you won't have any impact. If you're gonna feel good no matter what happens, what would you do? Whatever I feel like doing in the moment, obviously. All consequences only work because of how they make us feel. With guaranteed happiness consequences no longer exist. I think it would get the opposite result of complete control.

I'm stuck and just kind of going along because I don't want to create trouble between me and others... I never agreed with all laws, always thought they're too limiting on our freedom and bodily autonomy, and so much more recently. But no matter where on earth you go, there are a lot of similar or even worse laws. I was born and therefore I will be punished for not obeying those who came before me. I always tried to minimize the punishment I receive by going along with whatever the authority figures in my life demanded, but I never quite succeeded in silencing what I really want and think so it didn't work that well. And while it hasn't come up, there is definitely a sense of not obeying laws being worse than not obeying parents or teachers. The only obvious change the universe would want me to make is to admit to what I actually want and to no longer let my fear of punishment get in my way. I never quite fit in this society, I always tried to cheer myself up about it by saying that maybe that's just because I was meant to change it. It's scary to go against so many rules but... what else would I be meant to change?

"Our liberties are being taken, and they're not going to be given back, you guys." I had to pause it there. Been catching up to a few full videos (instead of the 1 minute on insta). Today's video was a question "would you still choose freedom even if you were guaranteed to always feel good no matter what happens to you?" And I definitely chose freedom. A previous video mentioned that this is a time where you might discover your purpose. Freedom has always mattered so much to me. I've gotten in trouble more than once for choosing freedom over social rules. I was pretty disconnected from other people as a kid (narcissistic I guess), but whenever I saw a movie that had freedom as its theme it ended up being one of my favorites. (spirit: stallion of the cimmaron, braveheart, I also liked the Zorro series although that's a bit different) And when Teal said the words I quoted at the top of my post, I got chills. What if I'm meant to play a part in taking our freedom back after the governments take it from us? It's a bit scary to think of standing up to the entire government, or even multiple governments. But if they're gonna get in my way of making my dreams come true, I'm gonna fight til I die. I absolutely hate people who try to take away other people's right to make their own choices. This is dictatorship. It pisses me off. Mix that in with the previous question on long term thinking... I'm not in the country I want to be in. If they make enough changes so I can't move to the country I want to live... I don't really know how I'd do as an activist. Activists always seemed like much talk and waiting for someone to listen. I'm more of a hands on person, plus my skills in vocalizing my perspectives aren't that great. Before I found out where I'd like to move I used to think of getting an island and making my own country with my own laws bc fuck this society. What if I become a pirate, steal a ship and settle on a nice tropical island as basis for a global freedom fighter thing? Pirate clothes are already on my 'want to wear' list anyway. And while that last part sounds all nice and fantastical, I'll keep that as plan B for now.

Last year I came to understand that every person I meet and every situation I'm in is meant to teach me something, and I'll naturally move on to the next step. I went back to live with my mom after my intuition told me to do so. Honestly not something I'd have considered doing otherwise, but I've learned that my intuition will at the very least take me down the fastest road. I know that my purpose is authenticity, but that single word gives no clue on what that practically looks like. I guess we'll see where this takes us.

Manifestation as I've come to understand it is: if you feel a certain way, you will manifest situations that make you feel more of the same emotion. The biggest issue with this is that subconscious parts manifest too so generally speaking you're manifesting stuff you don't know you're manifesting. Try looking at the outside world as more of a mirror of your subconscious than a consequence for not mastering manifestation. I'm gonna guess that your parents are afraid that dropping out is the wrong decision for you and will hurt you in the long term. While their concern is valid it doesn't mean they're right. Before I dig further into this I just want to say that whatever you choose, to stay or leave school, you have to choose it with all of your being. If only a part of you is on board with your final decision you're gonna regret it regardless of your choice. It's normal to be scared making a choice that can change so much, especially when it goes against everything you've been taught. Work with that fear. Figure out what you are actually afraid of, because I want to bet this fear is not about school at its base. Might be fear of losing connection, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of death, or something else. I'd recommend parts work for this. As Teal has said, this is a time where the universe is putting us in a position to have to choose what we value more. A while back she did an update about values and a card set to help you figure out what your priorities are. Someone in the comments on that video linked the cards, and it's helped me. I'd suggest taking some time with that. You could also make a list of pros and cons to each of your options. If you take the time to figure out what's important to you, your decision won't be rash. And now for my personal opinion: it's clear that you don't want to study anymore. But there's a lot of pressure on you to keep on doing so anyway. You already know what you want, you just don't trust yourself enough to stand your ground. While the situation is a little different, this almost feels like I'm talking to my past self. I was put under a lot of pressure to choose to stay at a mental hospital (akin to your school now). I didn't want to stay, my intuition even told me things were gonna go bad if I did. But every single adult kept telling me I had to because it was the best thing for me to do. I chose to trust others over myself and it resulted in a decade of depression which ultimately had the purpose of teaching me to always trust myself over others. Don't take this lightly, really get to the bottom of your fear and find that value card exercise. Simply choosing to quit school because someone online (me) presented a scary perspective is not going to do you any good, even if it ends up being your choice anyway. This is less about what you choose and more about your motivations behind your choice.

Preparing for long term is hard. For a few months now I've had an idea of what I want in my future, and while I've taken steps towards it, it's very loose. Most of the time I'm just trying to keep myself busy with watching shows because I simply can't think of anything else to do. It's gotten boring by now but it's literally the only thing I can think of to keep busy for a few hours. I also spent several hours lying awake in bed each day because I have nothing to get up for. I've been wondering what I can do to improve my long term goals since before all this started and I just don't have a clue.

No matter how long I think about it, I can't figure this out. The void I see is that no one has space for me. No acceptance. I don't see how getting me to be accepted is going to get me prosperity. And I hate having to be of service to others because I was always demanded to take care of those who were supposed to take care of me. Authenticity, allowing people to be themselves. But I can't force people to choose to be themselves. So while giving others the space to be authentic might be closer to what I'm meant to do I don't see how I can do that because people have free will. Ultimately I have no hand in anyone's decision to be themselves. idk what to do about this one.

The checkout thing was just an example to better explain how I felt. Something like that hasn't happened in years. No amount of shadowwork is going to change the fact that I am annoyed at how nobody fucking cares about how their actions affect others. So what if the best some people can think of to feel safer is to hoard 20 packs of toilet paper? Them feeling slightly safer is not going to help me wipe my ass. Buying a stock of soap just means the next person won't be able to wash their hands, and it won't be enough to make those hoarders feel an actual sense of safety. I'm so fucking sick of everyone telling me I need to care more about how others are feeling when the exact thing I'm pointing out is how nobody is caring about others. I'm just worrying that there won't be enough resources for everyone at the stores and that suicide rates might go up, all because everyone only thinks of themselves. But the second I start to express my feelings I get told I need to care more for others, as if I wasn't already doing that. And in telling me to care more for others specific for the virus and nothing else people are also discarding my feelings. I'm not capable of caring for everyone, that's too fucking stressful. I can get their perspective but I have no better solution. A change in perspective might make people less scared and self centered, but forcing a change in mindset is not a loving thing to do. People need people. Right now I need someone to be able to hold space for how I'm feeling. The ability to hold space for the emotions of others has always been lacking in this society, but because of the virus it gets highlighted. That's why I want this to blow over fast. Because as crappy as it was, we did better in terms of taking care of others emotionally before we panicked over covid. We are so focused on overcoming 1 problem that we are blind to everything else falling apart. Everyone agrees that they want to be well. What we disagree on is what it looks like and how to get there. And since this is a global thing, resolving the cause is not something within my capabilities (and I have no interest in becoming anything related to doctors or therapists). Even if I don't feel that strongly about this, the fact that it lasts so long is what's wearing me down.