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About thefilthbelowrockbottom

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  • Birthday 09/20/1987

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  1. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    @walt that's amazing, how did you do it? i never thought i'd meet anyone else in this situation, it feels so wrong to be this way that its an abomination, impossible, and yet you say you've been in the same place?! i don't know what to say.
  2. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    @walt does that mean you were in the same situation as me but somehow managed to become a better person?
  3. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    @Garnet thank you for your reply and kind advice. Not sure which one specifically but i watched one on how to feel, how to heal the emotional body, the completion process done with a man who goes back into his own birth, the emotional wake up call, meet your needs, self soothing, pain principal so probably in there somewhere. "For me, trusting the process is simply trusting life. It's like trusting a parent to take care of you. Father figure has always been dominant for me. And then it just happens in different forms and somehow things eventually get sorted out." i admire people's ability to trust themselves that much that they can do that. Most people take it for granted and don't realise how good a person they must be to be able to trust themselves like that. "I admit this is actually scary to read. The only thing that comes up for your reason to think that your family deserves better is that you probably feel/think that they are not doing something or doing something they are not suppose to. So by removing yourself they would have no other option but to make a change that you feel need to happen anyway - with or without you. Idk if I am right on that or not. I think every person plays an important part. Including you. And that's what you need to face." Yes, i am like a parasite to all that i love and if someone better were in my place my family and partner and all that i love would be MUCH better off. Their needs and what they deserve would be better catered to and they would feel the love i have for them but that gets buried under my disgusting/weak/selfish/badness "Maybe instead of trying to face your feelings (which is not that scary. It's basically sitting down alone and starring at the wall until you feel a little bit better about it)" A year ago with a psychiatrist and DBT therapist telling me i had to literally sit with feelings and thoughts and let them come i almost killed myself when i tried sitting there with the disgust and fear and terror coming up but suddenly, without conscious intention, when i caught a glimpse of my reflection i jumped up and reached for the glass in front of me to stab myself. i slipped on a tea towel on the floor which gave me the head space to realise what was happening and take control again and i ran outside so "feeling better" has never been my experience of feeling my feelings. "try to look at your life and see all the great things you've done and accomplished. I am sure it should outweigh all the bad stuff and you will see how important your role is here ! " You would be amazed how disgusting i am, how bad i am, that someone this disgusting and parasitical could exist. It's not supposed to be possible. Hence why if i faced reality i don't think i'd make it, i'd have to end this horrific, abominable wrongness and am too weak/disgusting to transform it to good so id die. That is the basis of my whole fear around this. ill keep (naively /stupidly) trying to change while avoiding the violent hate, so i can make myself good enough that feeling my feelings won't lead to seeing i need to die because the list you talk of WILL be balanced in the good. Thank you again for the thoughtful reply and advice. Xoxo
  4. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    @Totoro Thank you for the kind reply and your thoughtful answer to my question. The feelings are there yes, i can identify a few by name, possibly, but i don't let them in fully, i deny and cover up and distance myself from them however i can because im scared of them, both the pain of them yes, but also hugely that if i see and feel them and the related truth from them, i will have to die. "Also, I've heard it being said that the dangerous thing is when we resist our feelings, but feelings in and of themselves are not harmful release is what happens, otherwise it festers and makes you go down a spiral" That is the part i see other people being so strong and brave and good that they can take it as given that the feeling will be released or integrated and you will transform. Whereas i don't trust myself AT ALL to do that, i think i will feel the reality and then either not be able to cope and so end it all. i know existing in denial is not living and you are so right it has gotten worse and worse over the years as it festers. i must be too weak to face the pain of my feelings and the danger comes from not the feeling itself, but the related truths. EG if i allow the guilt shame and disgust at myself in i will see how bad i truly am, and then, have to die. Thank you again for the reply. The strength and kindness found in people on this forum is beautiful.
  5. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    @Alex7 Thank you for the reply and thoughtful advice. "we have this thing in our heads that is a beginning and a end, like after I do this I will be completely healed, but it takes time, it all helps but it isn't as easy being healed one day. when you remember higher perspectives it will make sense then but when you are still low it hard to see anything past that. I think emotions are very normal, there is no end to them, like once I reach my goal the negative ones will be gone, its not like that, you still feel." i agree that truly living involves a whole spectrum of feelings, that life has joy and sadness, love and fear, it's not you are "fixed" and no longer feel pain. It's more about being able to justify your existence and being integrated inside so you experience life (and the whole emotional spectrum) from a place of peace that comes from that integrity. i can't function, i have no ground to walk on and see no hope of ever having that. "Have you tried drinking love water? think about love for 20 minutes then drink " As i was saying to Tycho above, you're right that some focused intention of hope/love is a good idea. i spend my day trying to ignore the destructive feelings and thoughts and some mindfulness / meditation would be good. i don't feel capable of anything but this is something to try. Expand my old mindfulness cloud practice to add a love focus. Thank you. "drink the love water, change your diet and it will go away, think of food as having a vibration, eat high foods and even give the food love and eat it, all that will help you" My eating disorder is the main trigger to my most violent/destructive urges, if i could control this i would have a lot more headspace to try find a way forward. "for me love is a big thing I know what it is and I crave a world that is like that(that is the world or dimension I come from I think), and people who also understand it, so I've become kind of a loner because of it. yes I would love to be around people, I would love it, but if they don't know love I don't want to be" You remind me of my sister, or even Teals in the obvious, raw powerful openness to love and reality and a connection to goodness/love that yes must be intimidating to people like me who are hiding from reality, or alien to those who haven't realised the depths of life and connection that exist. All i can think for people like you is that your existence itself is creating more love, allowing the love that is and you are a gift to the world in that way. i understand not wanting to be around people who don't recognise such an important part of you, your base of living really, but i like to hope that you being yourself will open other people, people who have the capacity but not the experience yet, to opening up to that. You can't force anyone, im not talking about you trying to change them , just their experience of you naturally opening them up. You are not alone in this, when i used to live in truth and love and was lonely and lost i would remind myself of the lyrics "love goes anywhere, in your darkest times its just enough to know it's there". Even if people on your level may not be close around you right now, it doesn't mean they aren't out there. You are not alone and i really hope the love you put out helps transform and open others up, and returns to you even deeper than before. Xx Thank you again for your time and kindness in replying.
  6. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    @Tycho thank you so much for replying, and for your kindness As much as i despise myself and allowing myself to exist feels wrong, part of me also feels that in death the good in me will get to exist or at least matter as much as the bad, whereas in this life my weakness/disgustingness/selfishness/badness drowns out the good making it useless. "Control your inner dialogue !!" Trying to deny the negative and destructive feelings and thoughts is how i spend most of my waking hours, but maybe i could try some specific exercises again to try make space for hope. It's hard when im constantly fighting the bad but mindfulness meditations daily again could help. "Everything works to our favor and growth as long as we remember to stay positive and glean the truth from every trial." i believe truth is the only good way, which is why my existence being based in denial and my inability to face feelings makes me feel like a monster and completely hopeless. The kind responses here are more proof of the value of life, the strength of others and it means im pretty sure i am hopeless, i must be unwilling to do what's right and needed, too weak and tired/lazy to endure the pain and effort of growth that could make me better. Sorry if this is confusing or all over the place, im not good at communicating, not am i in a good head space but i wanted to respond sooner rather than later to these kind messages because despite my disappointing replies, your words, time and kindness are appreciated xx Thank you, may the love you put out return to you xoxo
  7. thefilthbelowrockbottom

    Terrified. Hi, i don't think i can explain myself, don't really know where to start so in trying to come up with a simplified explanation to post, "terrified" is the truest thing i can find to start from. i have a few questions about the completion process / living in general on relation to this terror. i found Teal's video on what to do when feeling suicidal one day and (when i can find space between destruction, denial, and desperate attempts to cope less destructive lying with life) ive watched a few more trying to find some way forward from my self built hell. Trying to keep a long story short, all of the advice in the videos and the completion process seem to rely on being able to face your feelings. My inability /unwillingness to face my feelings is exactly what is ruining my life. (i am ruining my life, that is a big how). It is beyond pathetic and in general i feel like a monster who needs to be gotten rid of for being this disgusting and weak, but i am terrified of myself, of my feelings, of reality and im afraid that means im completely hopeless. That is where the FIRST QUESTION comes in. i wish i could explain in a word because no one will understand and no one has reason or time to read even if i could explain myself. im wondering why people "trust the process" as Teal says in one emotion based video? As in, i believe that truth and integrating all parts of yourself in this is the only way to live as a good person, free, im so grateful for Teal's voice hopefully nudging the importance of that truth into our world, but i don't at all trust my ability to do the right thing when faced with my emotions, when faced with reality. At worst, and for a lot of feelings, i fear it will lead me to the knowledge that i am not good enough, it will let me see how bad and wrong i am and how much hurt and badness i have caused and am causing by allowing this monster that i am to exist. Then i have to die. i have ruined my life by ignoring my feelings (starting 10years ago, after previously living by trying to uphold "truth goodness beauty", in psychiatric treatment for an eating disorder the denial started, where recovery=ignoring negative feelings and thoughts and lying to yourself ) and now i spend all my time running from the horrible truth in order to survive. i see other people live, alive, feeling, growing and it amazes me, the beauty and strength in people literally amazes me. If i feel my feelings and see reality the only thing i'll see is that i should be dead. i know other people might use that realisation to transform into a better person who deserves to live but i don't do that so facing reality is essentially suicide to me. Is the entire process based on the assumption that a person is strong and good enough to be able to handle and transform the feelings and truths they are working with? That if they go into a feeling they will survive it? Because i feel 100% incapable of that growth. THE SECOND QUESTION : i have no job or income and in desperation was thinking of trying the completion process by myself (depending on the answer to my first question on feelings) but my parents offered me the last of my mother's money for her hip surgery for reduced cost counselling (75euro altogether) and i was wondering if it would be worth using that for a private session with Teal instead? As in would one session be enough for real change, especially considering that my issues are probably complex and up against much resistance because of how weak and pathetic i am? And finally if it would be worth it, how do i contact Teal about a session? If i think about anything clearly it all says die. Don't post pathetic questions to strangers, don't pretend you can get better, stop holding off the inevitable and fighting the violent hate, just kill yourself already. But the part of me that realises how beautiful and wonderful and amazing life is, how lucky i am to have the parents, partner and life i have, how they deserve better, the part that really does love my partner and my family and would love to be a strong, giving, loving, capable person who is GOOD for all that she loves is the one writing this shit and still looking for a way forward even though it all feels wrong and hopeless. Thank you if you took the time to read this. X x