Such an incredibly difficult situation.. you have such a vital life purpose, yet the shadow side of it looks virtually unbearable. You must be exhausted on every level. Personally I would contact Eckhart Tolle.. go visit him.. ask him about this and hear his perspective/advice. He’s so insightful, like yourself. I’d love to hear what he says. Like you he’s so wise, but different too. Not better. Different.
Thank you Teal for the truth you allow to come through you, I find your YouTube videos and your teachings totally invaluable to my journey. There are good people out here who appreciate you and what you do, so very much. Thank you for your sacrifice and I’m so sorry that you are suffering so much under its burden. Love to you, from an ordinary person who blames you for nothing. I hope you’re ok and can find a path through.