Sometimes I get so amazed at how I feel like I've come a long way. I feel like I've finally learned how to fully allow myself to dive deep and feel an amazing feeling of joy and peace after releasing very old traumas. And most days this year I've been able to say that I felt a little bit happier/fuller than the previous one. Though sometimes things get so out of control I feel like that's all BS and that I've actually gone nowhere, like today.
I've always struggled with self-worth issues. Growing up I had an handicapped younger brother and my mother used to pretty much always take care of him and put him first, never had time to play with me. He made me so angry, but that anger was deeply repressed under a feeling of shame because "come on, he's handicapped. He needs more attention than you do." I've come to realize how this has created a pattern in my life where in literally every relationship (school, friends, love...) I've always felt like fun and respect was for the others and not for me. I've conditioned myself all my life to always, ALWAYS put other people first. Every time someone would be unfairly mean to me, I wouldn't get angry. I've been picked on at school forever and never had the guts to defend myself. I think I can say I've never had any genuine friend since all those who could've been a good match with me I ended up rejecting because I felt unworthy of being respected and loved and because I felt like the fact that they had some kind of interest in me made them losers. The only person I could get angry with was my sister whom I feel so sorry to have used as an emotional punching bag for all my childhood because she was the only one whom I know would still love me even if I was mean to her.
So yeah, 2 days ago I tried doing inner child work and tried to visualize the "perfect" parents give that attention and sense of self-worth to the parts of me that have always craved it. I did feel some kind of relief (nothing grandiose though, but still something). Though yesterday night, I feel like all the resistance I had towards this feeling decided to get out of the pandora's box. I felt intense feelings of total and complete loneliness and abandonment (both from self and others), shame, despair. It was so out of control anxiety started kicking in on top of it. I spend the whole night switching between laying down and sitting in fetus pose, I couldn't sleep at all. I felt so powerless to these feelings. The more I tried to connect with them the scarier I got and the more I tried to calm and ground myself the scarier I got as well. I felt so exhausted and restless at the same time. Even today I barely ate anything, had to call sick at work since I felt like less than a pile of crap and none of my naps have been successful. I even did a distant Reiki session with my Reiki Master. It did calm me a bit but not for too long.
Anyway, part of me just felt like talking about it. It's like one of the very few ways I found to give me some kind of relief.
But maybe somebody could enlighten me on the subject of Healing Crisis'? I'm not quite sure to understand this concept fully but I'd like to know from others' personal experiences. Maybe that could help me not feel like I'm going utterly insane the next time it happens. Some tips would be great as well.
Thank you <3