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GabijaCij

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  1. It is amazing how the smallest moments (that may seem insignificant from an external perspective) can dictate the direction of your life. I grew up in the rural Utah wilderness. The way that we lived has all but been swallowed up by the modern world. Since the beginning, people have been coming to the West, mistaking the impression of endlessness for opportunity. No one ever came to the West, who wasn’t running from something. And those of us raised here by those people were suckled on that “desperation”. It has worked its way like a disease from one generation to the next. The sun
  2. I spent the better part of this morning out of body. There is a space in between awake and dreaming, when you begin to un-phase with this physical dimension. Your limbs go numb and begin to tingle. They call it entering the “vibrational stage”. I do not even pass through this phase when I am using my consciousness to switch my vibration. Which is natural when you spend so much time out of body that the transitions between one dimension and another are no longer discernible. I think it makes it rather more difficult though to feel the “realness” of this life I’m living here. I was c
  3. The heavy rain and lightning caused a power outage today, postponing two of the Skype interviews that I had scheduled. Sitting in the silence of the house with no electric currents running through the walls reminded me of being in the wilderness ranger station that I grew up in. We had no electricity in the little two-room cabin. Only a battery powered radio so we could listen to NPR. The thistle and shamrock Irish/Scottish music station, Prairie Home Companion and Car talk in the background of our daily activities (or lack there of). There is something profoundly simple about a life abse
  4. GabijaCij

    In The End

    In the end When I look back on life I think I will laugh myself to death. Too rich to be broke Too poor to be wealthy Of anything at all. I watched a man today Drive his brand new pick up truck That will never take him anywhere Except to forty and then to forty-five And I thought to myself… Life feels dangerous to us all. Most of us try to avoid that dangerous feeling By being as certain as we can But that there makes us cowards. And cowards are already dead. They have committed suicide And now They leave empty footprints upon the surface of earth. So as
  5. GabijaCij

    In My Hand

    In your very hand Is found the power to open or to close. And every moment is a crossroads Which offers both an opening and a closing. It never ceases to amaze me How many miles we are willing to walk in someone else’s shoes. They do not fit us well. They leave bruises and blisters on our feet With them, we cannot greet the world as ourselves. But I am glad I was not told these things upon my birth. For I could not know the sweetness Of greeting the world as myself If I had not first known the pain Of greeting the world As someone that I wasn’t In my very hand
  6. GabijaCij

    Initiation

    We are initiated. We are apprenticed by pain. Our beauty… Our purpose… Our expansion Is forged in the fire of our difficulties. Like a blacksmith, our suffering relieves us of our rough and tattered edges Painfully at first Until we are broken open. And our soul pours like water through our every thought and word and action. It extinguishes the fire of our pain. It weathers our curses to such a degree that they become blessings. And so, we are free.
  7. GabijaCij

    Racer

    I knelt down at the edge of the world, As the gravity issued warning, And counted through the sieve of the flat light… A dozen of them scraping past me, Crushing the white before them into gray wrinkles in the snow. My ski tips danced upon the hemispherical curve of the mountain, And I watched the clouds, watch me. I tasted of the forefinger of winter, In the frozen speed I claimed. And if the blood red color of life would have left me…. I’d not have cared. I’ve made a life of shaking open the snowy pleats of fear and Learning how to use… instead of me
  8. GabijaCij

    When I Come

    When change comes, I want to step through to possibility And think of each skin I’ve shed As a birth into curiosity And somewhere, Find the strength enough to love this world, Amidst the awkward grip of it. AND When you come, I want to reach you in immortality And think of each tear I’ve spilt As a birth into risibility And somewhere, Find the want enough to see this world, Amidst the discoloration of it. AND When life comes, I want to watch it with curiosity And think of each day I’ve spent As a birth into possibility And somewhere
  9. GabijaCij

    My Students

    My Students, I meet with you again, different names and faces but the same desperate spaces, yearning to be filled. Your pain has convinced you that you are alone here… That there is no way out of the well of the wound that has swallowed you. Again, I hear the words… “You just don’t understand how hard it is”. After all, I am a teacher. I sit on a throne of certainty and ease, as if it were never tested. Or so it now appears… Now that I am showing others how to live a life of ease. But this throne has not been mine forever. And my place upon it is te
  10. GabijaCij

    Lotus

    Let the wanderer and the questioner arrive at a crossroads, That offers both rising and descending. Both opening and closing. Like a lotus, these crossroads represent the present moment. Like a lotus, they represent the truth That in your very hand is found the power To open or to close in every moment. Let the sweet perfume of the answer tempt you forward All the days of your life. Not for the answer’s sake, but for the road it takes you down. Let the lotus tell you that the sound of your footsteps Is not that of movement forward But rather of opening
  11. Little by little, their voices fade; As she opens herself to you. Her sandstone is the heart of the world. The flow of blood within it is her noisy silence, filling up the empty spaces between the stars. I walk forward, so that I may forget the human race and instead become a child of the desert… So that I may become sandstone, wind and burning sky. Beneath the fabric of that sky, I walk the path of this living gallery With only the spirit of the earth beneath my feet as my minister. In the book of the earth, it is written that nothing ever dies. Because there can b
  12. GabijaCij

    Grief

    What did we possess yesterday? What will we lose today? When the world is shattered like a window, No glass remains between you and the sunflower which was always there. No illusions, no barriers. Just the opportunity to turn towards it. For in the smallest of things, therein lies the greatest of things. There is a grace to be found in those moments. A grace that is lost to us when we are in the midst of grief Instead of outside looking in. When the shock and denial and groundlessness that is grief, Makes the world around us stand still. The stopping p
  13. GabijaCij

    Freedom

    Freedom… is in the reclaiming of self. The turning of life’s cyanide into honey. And liberty, the pinnacle of color Sketched to a world full of petals, All of which grow from soil. Perchance the squalid circumstances Of our given lives, Were none but a call to ripen. For the life within a life is transcendental. Forever searching out the ways the world has bisected us… In order to unite us again, With a kind of soundness so brave, It drowns out the throe. So you can see that beauty In its most absolute forms, Is not virgin to rancor. In
  14. Welcome the measureless that I always was. You fathom me not, Nor my eternity which is permanent within me. Great and small, all parts of this world are comprised of the soul. I should not have remained here so many a time… Given over my temporary, thankless body to death. Yet I remain. These things do not happen by accident, coincidence or happenstance. I diverged instead from myself and was born again, less guarded than ever. Naked again. I expand until I am seamless. Spiritual growth is a thing that never ends. It is either accepted or resisted
  15. GabijaCij

    Will You?

    Did you love this world, The beauty and the beast in it, Or the flowers spilling fragrance in the air, Not deformed or perfect? Do you love this world For its heaviness or the freedom it entails, Not admonition or blame? Would you love this world Were it deserted by worth, Or the option to walk barefoot, Knee deep in mud, Not despondency or doom? Will you love this world For any other sake but yours, Or any favor turned upon you, Not penniless or lone?
  16. GabijaCij

    Punishment

    You strive for power, By stealing power from the powerless. Until you are left with nothing Traveling a dark and reckless path to a place that feels like protection from all the things you do not want. But it only leads to pain. You have forgotten this. Your desperate quest to make this life controllable, when it is not yours to control is futile, Just like it always was, as rules which are made, are just as quickly broken. It defies the basic rule of universal freedom. You have forgotten this. You have lost the power of knowing that anything you push agains
  17. GabijaCij

    Hands

    I remember your hands, The cracked and calloused expanse of them across my face, As you took my childhood from me ten and fifty and a hundred times. My tear blind eyes turned up to heaven. It was never quite enough until the flesh you crushed and blood you let had pulled me to my knees. As a child I ran as you hunted me with your pocket knife and mule across the noisy hem line of so many a field back home, thinking I deserved it. I was no longer a child; you were no longer a man. The blood and bone and sinew you took from everything, is what you made the landscape of yo
  18. GabijaCij

    Worth

    Without all ornament, and with substance still, To love one’s self, despite life’s tainted course is no kind of false art form. Is worth so faint a thing to perceive? The seasons of life that cover it in complex cobwebs Would have you forget that potential… Is worth. And all that dies around it, leaves it green.
  19. GabijaCij

    Sunset

    To begin with, you were sire to a chrysalis, which bore the difference between dreaming and awake. The twins, which emerged were a sun and a moon. And you taught them to walk in rotating circles around you. Saffron back boned and violet faced. Do you know the mountains believe, You are their water colored kiss goodnight? A momentary, sandwiched emotion, Reflected for your own lacking of darkness and light. Groom to the sunrise, covering the opposite end of the clock. Protecting the ridges with your tangerine tendrils. The fabric of nudity, which be
  20. GabijaCij

    Nothingness

    Go to bed tonight with the idea of sleeping with forever. In hopes of making it conceive of you. The illusion of nothing is only the fear of being so small, The only ship you have to board is your own. Could you fathom your feet walking life, but not blindly? Where an illusive smile leaves its hand print not only on the lips? Nothing is a land without senses, Where you're unable to find the other side. A silent but spoken double dare to tour danger, but the will, Which makes danger only a horizon to gaze upon and to want to cross. Place void in front o
  21. Selfishness she called it, The state of a slowly vortexing world That has been my prison of such isolation, instead of small, It is the desperate expanse of every desert. I have been here longer than I can attempt to not own it as home. And this “end happiness” of which you speak, I have been here longer than I can attempt to remember what that even feels like. It is more that I seek a state of not desiring… something else so much, I can’t ever really stop to see the day. You see… Selflessness I call it. The state of a slowly vortexing world. Implodin
  22. GabijaCij

    The West

    I find now, that I have removed myself. No longer a part of a life that can be considered “western”… The life that I was brought into by default and cultivated from. It is easy to forget sometimes until caught off guard, at which point you can see it at my core, coming through the lack of repress. And then, it is like I truly am the land that grew me. There was never a way to win against all the odds in the west. It is a commonplace cycle of death, birth and survival. Since the beginning, people have been coming here mistaking the impression of endlessness for opportunity. No one ever cam
  23. GabijaCij

    Plead

    A plead as simple as bleeding, To be free of the warm veins, forged for survival. Where? Directions are lost, Obscured by wind and stinging soot Pulled relentlessly from the earth, No longer stable and turning black. Where? Is it the prison of it , That shapes you the most? Or the shapelessness of your keepers? Reality is scarcely a fossil here Where? The chemical blood, smeared on forearm and thigh… It brings out the best in us. Bravery’s way of finding us, where mercy would not And honor’s taste, heavy on a bitten lip that will never speak
  24. GabijaCij

    To Winter

    Awaken love. May the blue, ethereal, newness of your eyes look upon this world. May your tiny, uncoordinated hands explore it. The sun lays itself across your window this morning. May you greet it with a smile which will never vanish from your lips. You are home, with me. May you always keep this kiss I lay across your cheek. Awaken love, and know you make a heaven of my everyday.
  25. GabijaCij

    Summer

    These early summer days feed off of time, Stripping light and darkness alike from the sky in cycles which feel mere minutes apart. The sun rises and the sun sets with blue and rosy lips kissing the tips of each rolling hill, As if the colors were trying to suck life from them, the grassy breasts of the west. Weeds and flowers appear to be the same creature, Their complexions, the colors of love's own breath. Pink fields, the blushing cheeks of the seasons. Each rainy day stands as beauty's beast, And for a time these storm clouds serve as gravestone to the stars
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