Jump to content


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


GabijaCij last won the day on January 17

GabijaCij had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

12,179 Excellent


About GabijaCij

  • Rank
  • Birthday 11/30/1991

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. GabijaCij


    Teal shares a collective shadow - monotony and routine.
  2. Dissolving Stuckness Meditation If you feel stuck in any area of your life or stuck in your life in general, this meditation is for you. This meditation is designed to help people who feel stuck to get un-stuck. It leads you through a process to gain awareness of the unique nature of your stuck-ness and how to dissolve it so that you can begin to feel forward movement and progress again. DOWNLOAD MEDITATION HERE (don't forget to GET THE 50% PREMIUM MEMBER DISCOUNT CODE HERE)
  3. Find out what Teal's currently working on in her personal life. What are you working on at the moment? Share in the comments below.
  4. If you have spent time in the spiritual, self-help or psychology community, you may have heard the term “parts work”. Today, I’m going to explain to you what parts work is as well as offer you one of my simple methods for how to do it. Keep in mind that I could write several books on parts work alone, so what you are going to read in this article is a condensed version of leagues worth of information. When we introduce ourselves to someone, we call ourselves by one name such as “I am Teal”. We see ourselves and our consciousness as a singularity. The problem is that consciousness is not unified, it is split. It is fragmented. So that you can have a thorough understanding of this, if you have not done so already, I want you to stop this video now and watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease before you continue to watch the rest of this video. To reiterate, even though you have one body, within that body, you end up with multiple selves. The best way to picture this is to imagine that inside your body, you have a collection of Siamese twins. They are technically all conjoined because they all share one body. But each one has its own identity, its own desires, needs, perspective, strengths, weaknesses and appearance. There is really no limit to how many can be inside a person. Again, the mistake we have made within society is to think that only some people suffer from what psychologists call multiple personality disorder. The reality is that all people do. The question is… to what degree? Most people aren’t walking around calling themselves by one name one minute and another name the next. But how many people behave completely differently in one scenario than they do in another? How many people have multiple “sides”? How many people can’t make a decision because they feel torn? These are all indications that we have multiple selves operating within us at any given time. Our degree of internal suffering is about the degree of harmony or lack there of between these internal selves. Ready to go even deeper? Though trauma is the primary thing which causes the psyche to fragment, upon opting into a physical human body, you already opt into an experience of fragmentation. Each cell in your body has an individual consciousness (which we could call a part) and every organ that is made up of those cells has an individual consciousness (that we could call a part). Looking at it this way, an organ in your body is actually a collective consciousness. And you are more like an ecosystem that goes by one name, which is also a collective consciousness. We could treat any collective consciousness as a singularity so as to completely focus on and learn from it. This is the bedrock of what we are doing with parts work. Without you knowing it, I just gave you the actual definition for internal peace. Most people think inner peace means you have found some external thing or type of practice that has caused you to finally feel calm and whole and fulfilled. Actually inner peace simply means that these inner twins (all the different parts of you that add up to this amalgamation that you call by your name) are all coexisting harmoniously instead of at war with each other. It is the absence of internal opposition between parts. Something to understand about parts work is that just like meditation, no one owns the copyright to working with aspects of consciousness. Any person with a methodology that includes parts work has their own philosophy and approach to parts work. I am no exception. When I teach you about parts work, I am going to be presenting my methodology and approach. I have many important reasons for why I suggest to do it the way that I suggest you to do it. There are so many different philosophies and methods and techniques that fall into the category of parts work. Parts work is simply the term that has caught on to represent the ideology behind them all. For example you have Internal Family Systems, Gestalt, Inner Shamanic Journey Work, Freudian psychology, Art therapy, Play therapy, Acting Schools, Jungian psychology, Inner Child Work, Ego State Theory, Voice Dialogue and the list goes on and on. Keep in mind that shadow work is essentially techniques, practices and processes that make you aware of what is subconscious within you. Most of your ‘parts’, you are totally unconscious of. So parts work is technically a shadow work process. You can do parts work by yourself and/or you can do it with someone facilitating and guiding you through it. Today, I’m going to teach you how to do it if you are by yourself. You can go deep into the consciousness of only one part of yourself. In fact, this can be a great way to become conscious of yourself. But I’m going to show you how to work with two parts that are in a state of opposition because this opposition between two selves is the primary cause of distress in your life. First, identify the parts you are going to work with. For the sake of this example, lets imagine that a woman is overworked and her body is breaking down. But no matter what she does, she can’t stop and relax. It is then safe to assume that there is a part of her that needs to relax and a part of her that will not let her relax. She is going to feel into which one is more dominant or present and in control to start. So lets imagine that the part which is more “up” right now is the part that needs relaxation. She is now going to set up two chairs in a room. She is going to pick one of those chairs and when she sits down in it, she is going to sit down AS only that part of her that needs relaxation. The best way to imagine this is to imagine that she is a method actor and in that moment, she is only diving into the perspective of and becoming that one part of herself, as if it were the totality of her. Another way of thinking about this is that by sitting in that one chair, you are channeling only that one part of you and allowing it to take over your whole body and awareness. She is going to spend some time getting used to it as if she is in a foreign being. She will consider things like ‘what do I feel like?’ ‘How big or small am I?’ Do I feel female or male? Human or not human? How old do I feel? Where do I feel like I am? Essentially, to begin with, you are simply becoming aware of it without asking it to express or questioning it. From there, you have a choice to communicate in a written or spoken format as this part (keep in mind that some parts are less communicative and verbal than others). Some people choose to record themselves doing this if they are speaking. Others prefer to write. If you have chosen to write and find it difficult at first to simply let the truth belonging to one of your parts to flow through you, consider writing with the hand you do not usually write with. It doesn’t matter if it is messy. Your non dominant hand is more connected to your subconscious mind. This woman in our example will then begin to write or speak as this part. What is its current truth? What does it need to say or need you or others to hear? Seeing as how the part this woman in our example just went into is the part that needs relaxation, it may write or say things like “I’m just so tired. I literally can’t do this anymore. I don’t like life anymore. Every day is just a grid, what kind of life is that? I don’t even like what I liked anymore etc. Let it express as much as it wants. You may feel questions arise from somewhere deep inside you. You can ask these questions to this part. Things like “when did this start or when did things change for you?” Or “what would you be doing instead if you could do anything and why?” Any question that arises can help you to gain deeper clarity about this part of you. Two questions that you need to remember to ask are how this part feels about the central personality. For example if it were me, I would ask, “how do you feel about Teal”. Also ask how this part feels towards the part on the opposite or other side of it (the other side of the split). In this case, the part that will not let the woman in our example, stop and relax. Don’t be surprised if it has no awareness of the other part. Also understand that it can have any type of relationship with the other part. It may hate the other part, love the other part, consider the other part a protector, minimize the other part etc. Any relationship that is possible in the outside world is possible in the inside world. When it feels like this first part has said what it wants and needs to say and you’ve explored it so as to have a good understanding of it, and when it feels willing for you to explore the other part, you are going to stand up from the chair. When you do this, imagine leaving that part of you sitting in the chair. You are going to turn back around and look at the chair you just came out of as if that part of you is sitting in front of you. Imagine, sense or feel that part of you. Your perspective of it from this “middle point perspective” will often be different than the perspective you had of it when you were inside of it. What does this tell you about yourself? Using our example, the woman might notice that when she was inside this part and sitting in the chair, it felt older like a stressed out version of herself but that when she stood up, suddenly that part sitting in the chair mentally looks like a young slave from the 1200s. The next step is to sit down in the other chair you set up in the room. But when you do this, this time, you are sitting down as the opposite part. Using our example, this woman will sit down as the part of herself that refuses to let her relax. She is going to repeat the exact same process as she did with the first part, but with this part now. Seeing as how the part this woman in our example just went into is the part that refuses to grant relaxation, it may write or say things like “I can’t afford to relax. People who need relax are pathetic. Life will come crumbling down around me if I let go of any of the balls I have in the air” etc. Let it express as much as it wants. Question it if you are able to split your consciousness enough to do so. Again, the two questions that you need to remember to ask are how this part feels about the central personality. For example, if it were me, I would ask, “how do you feel about Teal” and how this part feels towards the part on the opposite or other side of it (the other side of the split). In this case, the part that needs relaxation. When it feels like this second part has said what it wants and needs to say and you’ve explored it so as to have a good understanding of it, you are going to again stand up from the chair. When you do this, just like you did the first time, imagine leaving that part of you sitting in the chair. You are going to turn back around and look at the chair you just came out of as if that part of you is sitting in front of you. Imagine, sense or feel that part of you. Your perspective of it from this “middle point” will often be different than the perspective you had of it when you were inside of it. What does this tell you about yourself? Using our example, the woman might notice that when she looks at it, it appears to be a very serious version of herself that acts and feels a lot like her mother. This of course gives her the clue that this part of her may just be an internalization of her mother, which looks to have taken over her mother’s job of beating her into responsibility productivity and work ethic. Also take a moment to look at both parts now, as if they were both sitting in their respective chairs in front of you, what do you notice about them when you imagine, sense or feel them both sitting in front of you? If you allow your awareness to touch these parts, the process of integration will already be occurring. So technically, you could simply become aware of them and make them aware of each other and that will have initiated the healing. However, the aim of this kind of parts work is to create a conflict resolution between these opposed parts. You can consider your intention to be to bring enough awareness to each part that each part begins to release its resistance to the other and finds alignment instead. You can go back into the first or second parts as many times as you want to or feel called to in order to create this ‘resolve’ between them. Simply remember to come back into the ‘center point perspective’ each time you do this. By setting this intention, you are acting as a kind of mediator for your own two parts. When you are doing this, if one part does not begin to agree with the other, I don’t want you to think about striking a compromise. You can’t force resolve and compromise is damaging. Compromise means, I’ll take some pain and you’ll take some pain in order for us to stay connected. Instead, you want to be focused on the ‘third option’. The third option is something that is a “yes this feels good to both of us”. Using our example, the part that will not allow relaxation may begin to see how much damage it is doing and that continuing to disallow relaxation is leading to a burn out (where being unable to be productive is a guarantee). It may also remember that it used to feel like hell to be treated like a slave by mom and see that it is doing the same thing to the other part. This may lead to it agreeing to get on board with relaxation and deciding with the other part what that relaxation might look like. This may lead the first part to reassure the second that it will feel more motivated to work if it gets that relaxation and even thank it for being so driven. When parts begin to merge and re integrate, it can feel like the two have reached peace or agreement. It can also feel like they are literally dissolving into one. The goal is for the tension between them to turn into relief and alignment. Eventually, when your system gets used to parts work, your “awakened ego” will become stronger and stronger and your parts themselves will gain awareness and so they will be increasingly oriented towards and interested in finding alignment. As a result, what you will notice is that they will begin to soften quickly and without having to go into each one over and over, they will begin to merge into one or one may even choose to disappear because that part does not have a role it wants to fill anymore. Here are some important things to remember. I don’t care how hateful, violent, difficult, avoidant, narcissistic, unaware or whatever else a part may be, it is abusive to hold an attitude of negative judgment or criticism towards a part when you are working with it. This can in fact enhance a split and make the conflict between your parts worse. The right attitude to have is curiosity and the intention to offer it awareness that will help it, not even to change it. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen people approach one of their parts thinking it needed to change, when really it was the one holding the truth. But for the sake of understanding this, imagine you are an addict and I walk up to you and tell you, “Don’t you see how messed up you are? You’re ruining everyone’s lives. Who is stupid enough to keep hurting people even if you know you’re doing it?” How open are you going to be to me? Are you going to soften or go into more resistance to me? Are you going to open your truth to me or close down? A thing must become softer in order to change. So act in a way relative to this process that inspires willingness, openness and softness. Also, the reason that I consider it critical to step into the ‘center point perspective’ is because this integrative process is also a conscious dis-identification process. This does not only help with self-awareness. If you go all the way into a part and then step out of that part, you are realizing a very powerful truth. You are seeing that you are at one time, all of these parts and therefore no one single part. This causes your identity to grow in the direction of oneness, which can be considered the awakened or enlightened ego. I know when I say that an ego can be awakened or enlightened, you may feel yourself choke. But don’t worry, to understand this concept better, you can watch my video titled: Oneness is not the ultimate truth if this universe. When you get that you are all and therefore none of these parts, suddenly you become choice. You can draw from the incredible resources of any part. They no longer have control over you. In this way, parts work becomes one of the methods to actualize enlightenment. Most of the time when fragmentation occurs within the psyche, you will be dealing with a polarity. This means two opposed parts. There can be an exception, when a vulnerable part has two protector parts that are opposed to one another. This is much more rare and I call it a three way split. But here is the good news, you don’t need to know both parts to do parts work. You can start with one, such as “the part of me that is committed to my relationship” and when you go into the other one, it can simply be as loose as “the one on the other side of this one or the one behind this one”. Doing parts work in this way can be quite effective because when you go into the perspective, you are staying totally open to what it actually is, instead of projecting that it is the part that isn’t committed to your relationship. The opposing part in this example could be the part of you that is in a state of learned powerlessness and that is convinced the relationship will end no matter what you do. If someone is facilitating you in parts work, the difference here is that they are acting as a kind of guide and mediator of the entire process. They become the ultimate relationship therapist between your parts. Until you go into your parts, you have as much awareness about yourself as your neighbor has about you… Mostly a mix of paltry observations, judgments and projections. You never know what the truth and actual perspective can be until you dive deep into a part. It will shock you and surprise you how incredibly different it can be from what you expect. It will bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes”. There are a million tips and tools and suggestions to make your parts work more effective. There are a million awarenesses you will gain about parts work and the psyche and consciousness itself and the universe at large by doing parts work. But consider this your crash course. As with anything, the more you practice, the better and better you’ll get at it. Just be aware that the part of you that is doing the parts work, may just be a ‘part’ in and of itself!
  5. The vast majority of people on the planet earth feel trapped in their lives. They feel overwhelmed by stress and pressure. But the underlying cause of this negative feeling is not something that most people are consciously aware of. That underlying cause is the feeling that they have to do things that they don’t want to do. Before I explain this pattern in depth, I need to throw a universal truth at you. It is a universal truth that is going to take you way out on a scary limb of freedom. There is no such thing as a ‘have to’ in this universe. You could decide to walk out your front door, throw the keys down a sewage grate, leave your car wherever it is forever, walk to a different country and not tell anyone where you have gone and live an entirely different life. You could never get out of bed, pee and crap the bed when you have to use the restroom, never eat again and simply wait for death to happen. You need to realize that you have free will. No one can actually take that away from you. All they can do is use their free will to escalate consequences or reward for your choices. If someone has a knife to your throat wanting something from you, you can choose to die rather than to give them what they want. But most people in this position want to live and so they give the person what he or she wants. Here is the problem, if we find ourselves in this kind of situation, we don’t tell the story of “I consciously chose to give them what they want because I wanted to live.” We tell the story “I had to give them what they wanted, they made me.” We disown our free will. We do this because we don’t want the pain or pressure of the responsibility of having done something bad or wrong. Every decision you make comes with a consequence. It’s nothing personal; it’s simply the law of cause and effect in the universe. And it is usually those potential consequences that cause you to decide to do something, even when you don’t want to do it. In this very minute a split occurs within you between the part of you that doesn’t want to do that thing and the part of you that does want to do that thing in order to avoid consequences. The thing is this immediately makes that thing a “have to” instead of a “want to”. We feel like we ‘have to’ do things when we are doing to them in order to avoid a consequence rather than when we are doing them in order to create or bring about something that we want. We are trained from a very early age that doing what we want to do is selfish. We are often punished for it. On the other hand, we are rewarded for doing things that other people want us to do, but that we don’t want to do. Our wires become crossed. We believe there is virtue in “have to” and that the only life that is right is one entirely made up of “have tos”, duty and obligation. To understand more about this pattern, watch my video titled: The Freedom/Connection Split within Humanity. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but ‘have to’ has become a way of avoiding social consequences. It isn’t socially acceptable to tell someone who invites you to a party “I don’t want to go to the party.” Instead we say things like “I can’t”. The truth is, we can. We are choosing not to because we have another priority. If someone asks us to join him or her for an activity, we say, “I have to work”. The truth is, you don’t have to work. You want to work because you want an excuse to avoid them or it’s a higher priority to keep your boss happy than to see them or you want money more than you want closeness with that person for example. For the sake of today’s conversation, the problem isn’t that you’re lying to them. It’s that you’re telling yourself the story that you have to and because of that, you are losing your access to free will and the feeling of agency. Long story short, before we know it we have a job we have to go to, bills that have to be paid, a partner we have to please, kids we have to take care of, dogs we have to walk, a gym we have to go to, healthy food we have to eat etc. We even manage to turn things that were once a ‘want to’ into a ‘have to’. This causes the pressure to build and build. We feel stress because not all parts of us are on board with what we are doing. We don’t feel free. We feel like a trapped slave in our own life. Here are some suggestions for what to do if you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you ‘have to’. How you speak has the capacity to affect your mentality greatly. Every time you are going to say “I have to” change it to “I want to”. This is going to mess with your brain at first. You will become conscious of the ways you are in opposition to your own sense of free will and why you are in that state of opposition. You will be forced to face your actual feelings about the things you are doing in your life. You will be forced to acknowledge the truth within the universe that nothing is a have to. It is also easier to feel and recognize the parts of you that aren’t on board with what you are doing. If you are choosing to do something that you feel is a ‘have to’, say, “I want to” and ask yourself why… Why am I doing it? For example, “I want to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles”. You will feel instant resistance to that statement inside. Then “why am I choosing to go? Because I want to feel the relief of the pressure of having to renew my driver’s license when I can scratch it off of my to-do list”. Saying ‘I want to’ connects you to your free will, your desires, values and motives. It will help you to see that you really shouldn’t be doing some things you are doing. On top of this, “I have to” is a word that the mind has a negative association with. This will cause a negative feeling chemical release in the body, which will in turn cause you to form a negative association with whatever thing you are doing or considering doing. Saying the word ‘have to’ relative to something decreases your motivation towards that thing every single time you say it. Remember that nothing is actually a ‘have to’. There is only want and don’t want. If you feel like something is a ‘don’t want’, there are two distinct options. The first is to find a way to not do it. The second is to change it or re-frame it so that you actually want to do it. For example, there is a sink full of dishes in the kitchen. If you take the road of finding a way not to do it, you could simply not do them and let them sit there until you feel the desire to do them… even if that means the food rots and your house is disgusting. You could swap days with your roommate, you could pay a cleaner to come in or you could invent a device that does it for you for example. If you take the road of changing it or re-framing it so that you actually want to do it, you could decide to find something in cleaning the dishes that aligns with something you really consciously want, so you suddenly feel motivated to do them. For example, if you are really motivated to practice present moment meditation, the dishes could be a present moment mediation. For more information about this brilliant strategy, watch my video titled: Priceless Motivation Tip (Find The Self Serving Motive). You could figure out what you hate about doing the dishes and resolve those things so it is a more pleasant activity. You could focus on your desire to have a clean house and how good it will feel to have a clear living space, so suddenly doing the dishes is a part of creating something you really want for example. Do parts work to address the two parts of you that are at odds, the one who wants to do it and the part that doesn’t want to do it, so as to create alignment between them. A decision or choice that both of them can be on board with and that create a harmony between their currently seemingly opposing desires. To understand the basics about how to do this, watch my video titled: Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It). Take what you don’t want to do and completely play out not doing it mentally as far as you can. We don’t usually ‘stare the devil in the face’ of choosing not to do something. We loosely feel, but can’t consciously see, the consequences of that choice. If we can’t see the consequences of that choice, we can’t find ways to mitigate them and the part of us that is in resistance to doing whatever it is we don’t want to do, can’t be an active participant in the law of cause and effect. It simply stays in an attitude of rebellion. For example, you don’t want to go in to work. So imagine not going. Imagine how your colleagues and boss would respond; imagine what you would do instead. Imagine both the payoffs and consequences of doing so as far as you want to play them out. The unwanted parts of this experience will make you aware of what you really want and need. What are some other ways you could get those needs and desires met? When you do this exercise, you may just find your ‘have to’ changing into a ‘want to’. Remember how I said that we feel like we ‘have to’ do things when we are doing them in order to avoid a consequence rather than when we are doing them in order to create or bring about something that we want? This means we can flip the way we are looking at something we don’t want to do so as to see how doing that thing creates what we really want. Why is doing this thing important? How is doing this thing a part of the vision of what you want? How is it good for you? What will it accomplish? Who is it helping? What good are you creating for yourself and/or others by doing it? Going back to the analogy of doing the dishes, you might not immediately think that cleaning dirty dishes matters, but those dishes are what you serve food to people on, and that food nourishes not only you, but also other people so that you and they can go out and do something good in the world in a healthy way. So connect whatever you are doing to the good that doing that thing does. Find a personal, meaningful why behind doing what you choose to do. Find a good enough because. Professional athletes know what most people don’t know and that is that you can add any meaning to discomfort that you want to. Going for what you want is going to entail a certain amount of discomfort. The meaning we add to discomfort is everything. Most people assign the meaning ‘we need to stop’ or ‘not do what we are doing’ to discomfort. This greatly limits your life. It means when you are faced with the inevitable downside of things you want, you might just give up and not do them. Every other suggestion I have given you in this article has been about either not doing something or getting yourself to feel good about what you are doing. The hack I am suggesting as a final potential tool is to add different meaning to the discomfort of doing what you don’t want to do. You could consider this the ultimate re-frame. For example, the burn in my muscles means I am getting stronger. The discomfort I feel doing this thing that is not fun to me means I am developing self-discipline, which makes me feel less out of control relative to myself. Question the meaning you are adding to the discomfort inherent in something you don’t want to do. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button. From there, change the meaning you are adding to the discomfort. This tip simply must come with a warning; this could be used as a tool of suppression. Life is about expansion. Expansion occurs as a result of following your desire. It is not virtuous to force yourself to do what you don’t want to do. But following what is wanted will always give rise to what is unwanted as well. This opens the door for things to be a ‘have to’. When you encounter these unwanted experiences, you have the choice to take them off of your plate (not do what you don’t want to do) or change them or your perception of them so that you want them on your plate (turn them into something you want to do). The unwanted can diminish motivation and inspiration. However, motivation and inspiration is not completely out of your control. You can live a motivated and fulfilling life if your life philosophy changes from “”I have to” to “I want to”.
  6. GabijaCij

    Money Recipe

    If you want to make a lot of money, the recipe is very simple: Solve a problem that people are facing or meet a need that people have.
  7. GabijaCij

    fan poem

  8. GabijaCij

    Philia Nature

    Here is some color form your grey winter day! A video tour of some of the flowers and other plants growing at Philia. Philia is Teal's retreat center in Costa Rica. *Music: https://www.bensound.com
  9. 22 downloads

    The Freedom/Connection Split within Humanity
  10. GabijaCij

    Teal On Candy

    What's your facvorite candy and candy bar?
  11. GabijaCij

    Intentional Community

    What is the best and worst thing about living in an intentional community? PS - the video glitched out a few places, apologies.
  12. For years I have been saying that the evolution which must occur within the human race is “I can have you and I can have me too.” This implies that autonomy and connection are not mutually exclusive, they are integrated. Most people today do not live in this state of integration between connection and autonomy. Instead, they are split into two parts, one who fights for connection at any cost and one who fights for its own independent best interests at any cost. It’s important to know that this part’s fight for its own best interests feels like a fight for freedom. Most people alive today have an internal split between the commitment to connection and the commitment to freedom. This means that humanity itself as a collective consciousness has this same split. To understand the concept of a split deeper, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. You can also keep a lookout for a video I’m going to do shortly that will be specifically about how to work with the individual aspects of consciousness, what most people call “parts”. To understand this split, we have to go back to how it was made. I want you to think back on your childhood. Every child is an individual entity and therefore has a self. This means you had your our own thoughts, interests, feelings, needs, wants, talents, shortcomings, preferences etc. Think back on the way your parents and family and teachers and peers and even community or society responded to those thoughts, interests, feelings, needs, wants, talents, shortcomings and preferences. For example, were they acknowledged, accommodated, ignored or turned against? Were there consequences for them? Most parents up to this time period do not view a child as an individual being; they view children as something to be created or molded into what they want them to be. I’ll give you a seemingly benign example so you can get just how prevalent this issue is in the human race. A mom is sitting with a child who is in a high chair. It is lunchtime. Mom says, “You need to eat your food”. The child’s truth is that he or she is not hungry so the child refuses to eat. Mom does not acknowledge the child’s truth and so she force feeds the child or tells the child that he or she can’t come down out of the highchair until the food is finished. Not only has moms’ anger been felt as a loss of closeness, which is acutely painful, the message is: I will not accept that part of you (the truth that you are not hungry). Therefore, to maintain closeness with me, you must abandon that truth and be what I tell you to be which is hungry, or at the very least, eat even if you aren’t hungry. The child is at a crossroads. The child gets to choose to abandon his or her sense of self in that moment for the sake of feeling close to mom or fight for his or her sense of self and as a consequence, lose closeness with mom. This is the kind of scenario that causes a child’s boundaries to become unhealthy. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How To Develop Healthy Boundaries). Let’s say that this belief that a child is to be molded, exists as a sliding scale. Everyone’s parents and teachers and society falls somewhere on that sliding scale. To differing degrees of severity, we are trained that in order to have connection and closeness and belonging with other people (which is a bigger need than even food and water for a physical human) we must lose or let go of our self. We must abandon or let go of or betray our own thoughts, interests, feelings, needs, wants, preferences, and best interests. To have them, we can’t have ourselves or at the very least, parts of ourselves. This is the only context we have for relationships and maintaining social harmony. We woefully accept this truth but learn to associate connection with other people with things like self-sacrifice, duty, being controlled, being imprisoned, obligation and the constant effort of inauthenticity. This is the origin of the belief in me vs. them. Does this mean that this is the reality? No. It’s simply a belief we have been trained into. So you can understand this split deeper, let’s look at both parts that are born from this belief. The part of you that wants connection understands that so many needs (mental, emotional and physical) are dependent on connection and closeness with other people. This part of you does not carry the pain that comes with connection, the other one does. It carries the pain of the lack of connection. It is acutely aware of and does not want the starvation or pain of aloneness. It is constantly bidding for connection in the things it says and does. It is not guarded. It is open. If this part cannot get enough connection from people, it will connect with food, animals, objects or anything else where it can. This part holds the universal truth of interdependence, that it is connected to everything. It understands that it has to be attuned to other people and that aloneness is the result of not considering others. This part will slip into all kinds of coping mechanisms if it runs the risk of loosing connection with someone. This part will not acknowledge anything that threatens its sense of closeness with someone. This includes incompatibility. For this reason, it often suffers from denial and enables dysfunctional behavior and gaslights itself and others. This is the part that is always going to tell the story in favor of the positive. It’s the one who will say, “He’s such a hard worker” to cover over the fact that he is really passed out because he is drunk. If this part runs the risk of separation, it will do whatever it takes to re-establish a perception of closeness and is not going to see doing so as self-sacrifice. Really it isn’t self-sacrifice for this part of it gives up its own best interests because it sees its highest best interest as connection. Therefore, self-sacrifice is self-centered, because it is done to meet its own primary need. This co-dependent part of you really embodies the truth that there is no such thing as philanthropy, even if someone is acting like they are always doing things for others. This part of you is never going to give up on being connected to others. No matter how messed up and abusive your family is, it will stay around them. It will tell the story that a dysfunctional family is “such a great family”. This part is the one making the Hollywood films about “all you need is love” and “where there is a will to be in a relationship, there is way.” This part of you gets connection with others by disconnecting from other parts of you that might threaten connection. But by doing that, you are never bringing the totality of yourself into a relationship so you are never actually in a relationship. The sad truth is that its connection with others is in fact an overlay. It is alone in its perception of connection. This part of you is rather like Buddy from the movie Elf. The part of you that wants freedom is really not after freedom. It is after autonomy, which is nothing more than the desire to exist in alignment with one’s sense of self. This part has been really, really hurt and disillusioned by relationships. It wants to live in accordance with your truth, how you feel and think, what you want, your innate talents, your actual interests and to be able to do what is right and best for yourself. It is in fact being controlled by the other connection-committed part more so than it is being controlled by other people. It feels like everything about relationships is too complicated. It feels like relationships are like Faberge eggs, they are fragile and if something goes wrong, there is no repair because no matter what you do, you can’t put it back together again. It holds the pain of constantly being suppressed. It is conscious that if you have to change yourself to gain love and closeness, you are not actually close and you are not actually loved. This part is conscious of the extreme pressure of everyone’s needs of it. It sees its existence as a never-ending toil of being used by people. It doesn’t feel like a person, it feels like a tool to be used by people. Responsibility is a huge pressure belonging to this part. It believes “I have to be responsible for me and them”, which it resents. So it says “NO” to taking responsibility for others. The reason it says “YES” to taking responsibility for itself is that it wants to find a way to not depend on anyone… To be able to have everything that it needs without it coming from anyone else. For this reason, it is hugely interested in spirituality and self-development. It also sees that it is incredibly alone already so it is not in denial and risks nothing by admitting to reality. It doesn’t have an answer to remedy the powerlessness it feels in all of this painful “way it is” relative to relationships. This part thinks that if there is a conflict between you and another person, you are always loosing the fight. What this part cannot stand is the feeling of pushing itself sideways. It doesn’t want to have to take in or owe anyone anything. For this reason, it does not bid for connection because if it bids, the other person is in control of how he or she responds or not. Control is very important to this part, because control seems like the only way it can avoid compromising itself and thus, ending up in pain. The closest it can get to the idea that a relationship is safe, is transaction. The safe, clear lines of transaction make it the best option. Its worldview is that everyone is only out for himself or herself. It’s like living in a shark tank. Its truth is that everyone around it is completely self-centered. But here’s the stumbling block. Because it feels like everyone else is self-centered, it decides that it is just going to have to think about itself because no one else will. And by deciding this, it repeats the cycle. This part is the one that was separated from (rejected) in order to be in a relationship. After all, the message it received forever and still does is: If I go into a relationship as the real me, no one will ever want me and instead, they will hurt me. Because of this, it sees relationships as pain. If it were convinced that never having a relationship was the best answer, it would have gone there long ago. For this part, having a relationship with people is like eating poisoned water. It’s a “fuck you for the fact that I need this”. Unlike the other one, it feels like being alone is better than being trapped, but being alone sucks. Unlike the other part, this one will viciously fight for its needs and best interests. It will fight for its “self”. It will also criticize the hell out of a person and relationship in the hope that the other person will change so as to put it out of pain. The criticism is an attempt to control the other person’s behavior. Its orientation is towards what it doesn’t want in a relationship where as the other part is oriented towards what it does want. This part of you is rather like Scrooge from a Christmas carol. When you have this split, relationships are a downward spiral that goes like this: The connection part of you is the one that takes control and seeks a relationship because you feel alone. You get into a relationship quickly because you are doing anything it takes to secure a relationship. And to do so, you have to disown parts of yourself that might cause separation or rejection. This means you are not going into a relationship with the truth or the totality of yourself. You show only what the other need and wants to see; only what you know will guarantee you closeness. You look so good and so tempting to the other person it is almost too good to be true. Then when the connection is secure, the pain of that suppression and inauthenticity causes the other part that is committed to autonomy to come forward and take over instead. This part contains all the parts that you decided to disown. Those parts now come forward because they were suppressed in order for the other one to secure the relationship. They start screaming for freedom. They start demanding for their needs to be met and for the other person to act in their best interests. They fight for themselves against the person they love. The other person now feels duped. For example, suddenly you go from a person who says you are responsible to being not responsible. You go from being gorgeous to letting yourself go. You go from saying you are a financial provider to suddenly expecting your partner to financially provide for you. You go from loving to constantly critical. The person you are now is nothing like the person you entered into the relationship as. All of the ways you actually think and feel and what you really want and the ways you go about trying to get your actual needs met, destroy the relationship which was in fact built on pretense. The relationship now becomes oppositional so ruptures are created. And both people think, “Where did my perfect relationship go”? You can see this split clearly in yourself any time you feel you have to choose connection or closeness or social harmony vs. your own best interests. It is tempting to think that this type of scenario is always about your best interests vs. another person’s best interests. But it isn’t. It’s the best interest belonging to your own two parts being pitted against each other. In other words, you feel this split any time your own best interest of (fill in the blank) conflicts with your own best interest of connection. This split was created to accommodate for uncomplimentary needs. In the past, your need for autonomy could not exist in the same place and time as your need for connection. Each part of you also keeps you safe from the opposite threat. Your connection part keeps you safe from isolation. Your freedom part keeps you safe from the loss of self. But the time has come to recognize this split within yourself and within humanity so that we may integrate them and create a world in which freedom and connection are one… A world in which all of our relationships are relationships where we can have ourselves and have each other at the very same time.
  13. GabijaCij


    Teal has a message about this week and what it means for you.
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.