The Mirror Event - Basel 2018 - Day 1 - 1/3

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I had an epiphany after watching the Chicago video and this one. Even though, I'm fairly intense, and strong, and in charge in certain aspects of my life, I still tend to be constantly victimized in my personal life.    I was thinking that I'm always attracted to bad boys, verging on sociopathic bad boys, but the kind that are intense, aggressive, charming.   This is TMI but men/boys like Billy Hargrove on Stranger Things (and embarrassingly I'm middle age and my name is Karen, lol).  After watching this video, I suddenly got it... those bad boys are me.  In service of being the good girl, I supressed the part of me that wanted control and dominance and was openly angry and aggressive, because I was punished so severely for showing any of that. And it suddenly occurred to me that people that have been tormenting me, were not as openly aggressive as a Billy Hargrove character, but it was a passive aggressive,  insidious form of control.  And it was a control that was needless and destructive of me, for no reason at all, when I posed no threat and had been good to them. After watching this, I felt more conscious about my own need for control, to never be put in those situations again.  So I totally get my attraction to the flamboyant bad boys and they are me in more than one way.  If you look at a character like Billy Hargrove, in the end, he was martyred, just like the victimized self sacrificing, abused women end up dying of cancer or some other illness, is also martyred.    So his anger and damage killed him quickly, just as it slowly kills the self sacrificing woman, with suppressed rage.  I imagine, at least a decent portion of those bad boys in prison are people whose anger at being controlled, also ultimately destroyed their lives.  

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