Stockholm Workshop 2018 - Part 1/3 - Attachment Styles (Avoidant, Anxious, Disorganized)

12:15 How does Teal pick the questions to be asked on stage?

22:10 ATTACHMENT STYLES (AVOIDANT, ANXIOUS, DISORGANIZED). I never feel lonely. Is there something wrong with me?


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I'm confused because I feel like I have experienced both abandonment trauma as well as enmeshment trauma, and that I have a hybrid version of both attachment styles. When you talk about the types of trauma, I relate to enmeshment because I feel like I wasn't allowed to fully be myself and I had to alter my personality in order to get close to my parents. I grew up as the "golden child" because of this, however I feel like I didn't all the way succeed at giving up my true self. I spent my schooldays putting up a mask and blending in, but lived the life of a loner on my free time because it was such a relief to get home and feel like myself again. I relate to the style of attachment that Teal was embodying with this guy, because I've had at least one friendship with a girl who was totally in control of how close we were and I sticked beside her in order to receive the approval I wanted, but I also didn't get too close because I felt like that would make her push me away. I'm not the golden child in my family anymore and I honestly don't know if I need to focus on independence or not. I guess part of me really needs that and then another part of me feels absolutely terrified of being alone. 

Edit; nvm I kept watching, guess I have disorganised attachment.. shit. 

Edited by Silje
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1 hour ago, Silje said:

I'm confused because I feel like I have experienced both abandonment trauma as well as enmeshment trauma, and that I have a hybrid version of both attachment styles. When you talk about the types of trauma, I relate to enmeshment because I feel like I wasn't allowed to fully be myself and I had to alter my personality in order to get close to my parents. I grew up as the "golden child" because of this, however I feel like I didn't all the way succeed at giving up my true self. I spent my schooldays putting up a mask and blending in, but lived the life of a loner on my free time because it was such a relief to get home and feel like myself again. I relate to the style of attachment that Teal was embodying with this guy, because I've had at least one friendship with a girl who was totally in control of how close we were and I sticked beside her in order to receive the approval I wanted, but I also didn't get too close because I felt like that would make her push me away. I'm not the golden child in my family anymore and I honestly don't know if I need to focus on independence or not. I guess part of me really needs that and then another part of me feels absolutely terrified of being alone. 

Edit; nvm I kept watching, guess I have disorganised attachment.. shit. 

5

I can relate! I did get confused at first too since I experienced both abandonment and enmeshment. Autonomy has been super healing for me and my relationships. I even get it now in my closest relationship. Even expecting my first child in a month, autonomy is awesome!

 

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1 hour ago, mushylui said:

I can relate! I did get confused at first too since I experienced both abandonment and enmeshment. Autonomy has been super healing for me and my relationships. I even get it now in my closest relationship. Even expecting my first child in a month, autonomy is awesome!

 

Hey!! That sounds amazing! :) that you experience autonomy in your closesr relationship right now and will have a child. I would really love to hear more of your journey with this disorganized attachment style, the healing and then getting a relationship that fits with your needs. I think many people will, disorganized style is so confusing and seams hard to heal, I have it too, I identify with both the anxious and the avoidant person. 

 

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10 hours ago, Silje said:

I'm confused because I feel like I have experienced both abandonment trauma as well as enmeshment trauma, and that I have a hybrid version of both attachment styles. When you talk about the types of trauma, I relate to enmeshment because I feel like I wasn't allowed to fully be myself and I had to alter my personality in order to get close to my parents. I grew up as the "golden child" because of this, however I feel like I didn't all the way succeed at giving up my true self. I spent my schooldays putting up a mask and blending in, but lived the life of a loner on my free time because it was such a relief to get home and feel like myself again. I relate to the style of attachment that Teal was embodying with this guy, because I've had at least one friendship with a girl who was totally in control of how close we were and I sticked beside her in order to receive the approval I wanted, but I also didn't get too close because I felt like that would make her push me away. I'm not the golden child in my family anymore and I honestly don't know if I need to focus on independence or not. I guess part of me really needs that and then another part of me feels absolutely terrified of being alone. 

Edit; nvm I kept watching, guess I have disorganised attachment.. shit. 

I’m the same. I have enmeshment trauma as well, so I’m working on boundaries, autonomy, and developing a sense of self. But I also feel needy for my partner at times (especially when I start to feel depressed). I assume that the reason I am this way was because I think my mom only showed me love when I wasn’t feeling good. When I’m elated, I like to be alone, away from my partner. Working on that as well. So yeah, disorganized attachment. Feels less lonely to know I’m not the only one. ❤️

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Damn. I wish I would have become aware of this a year ago before I did so much damage. This describes my relationship exactly and I feel so bad about doing this to someone I love. I definitely became the abuser. . . 

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Thank you so much for the explanation of disorganized attachment. It makes so much more sense for me what happens in most of my relationships! I would love to learn more about healing from this style.

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I'm really glad Teal ended up talking about disorganized attachment. I didn't realize that's how it was for me until she did. I cried when she talked about it. It sucks. It really, really sucks. But I'm really glad to know this about myself. Because the desperation for closeness and sudden aversion as soon as I get it has been...a real fucking torment. I am like a damaged pit bull. I suppose we all are. I'm just glad that I know. Lol. I'm in pain.

OH MY GOSH. SO MUCH INSIGHT. I also operate from the transferred belief of, "If I do _____, then I am useless, so no one will like me, so they'll leave me. I'll be alone.

I also struggle with taking someone's best interests as mine. I don't know whether I really want to either.

Edited by Angelica Minguez
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23 hours ago, Katja said:

Hey!! That sounds amazing! :) that you experience autonomy in your closesr relationship right now and will have a child. I would really love to hear more of your journey with this disorganized attachment style, the healing and then getting a relationship that fits with your needs. I think many people will, disorganized style is so confusing and seams hard to heal, I have it too, I identify with both the anxious and the avoidant person. 

 

Hey Katja, wow, thanks! You are right, it is confusing and I will gladly share. It's so tricky to work with. So a lot of different factors gave me the opportunity to heal, hope you have some time 

- I removed myself from my family and started a new one. 

- In between lots of solitude and slowly re-introduced relationships. "Needy" people I couldn't handle any more at this point.

- Still, being anxious (PTSD) I rehabilitated with a trauma specialist, super lucky! So, psychology is a big one. I used to cope with meds and drugs, at one point drugs might have been the only thing that saved my life. These past years I am a new woman, so fresh and so clean!

- Honesty, being straightforward. It got easier to get the feedback I needed, right kind of help, understanding and to gain trust from others, transparency too. OH and my partner, so him and I have similar personalities, that's important. To find someone who feels right themselves about autonomy. I never feel suffocated.

- Being picky about friends/partner has helped a lot when I got so much healing through my new relationships (relational trauma) One of my friends, so she is super emotional, I am more mental. We can trigger each other like mad but then tend to almost always get healing and relief in spending some time together, help each other to gain awareness too.

- Feeling my pain. Think I was the most afraid of meeting myself and not run away (poor sense of self, who even was I?). But yeah, doing the actual work to transform my life still keeps making a tremendous difference.  (if I skipped the work it didn't really matter how much I would read and listen to stuff) I never thought it would actually work out for me but it did, it's so strange and wonderful. You can be surprised how over time it dawns on you how you suddenly feel better and better, without even trying to feel different. It's so awesome! 

-Hard work and responsibility. I am not "cured" but it does get easier and relationships healthier. Like I said I never thought I would get anywhere (doomed, stuck, forsaken) didn't really matter what I believed as long as I kept taking one step at the time.

- I'm sure Ayahuasca and DMT in particular, played a role in my healing, yet I found day to day, practical steps to be more powerful in the long run. 

So glad to hear from you, and how wonderful what you are working on! It's good to see that other people struggle similarly, wish you didn't of course but you are definitely not alone, best of luck ❤️

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And its been interesting how letting other people be near me without really focusing on me, just doing their own thing, not needing anything from me completely re-wired my nerves over time. 

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On 11/18/2018 at 11:52 AM, Silje said:

I'm confused because I feel like I have experienced both abandonment trauma as well as enmeshment trauma, and that I have a hybrid version of both attachment styles. When you talk about the types of trauma, I relate to enmeshment because I feel like I wasn't allowed to fully be myself and I had to alter my personality in order to get close to my parents. I grew up as the "golden child" because of this, however I feel like I didn't all the way succeed at giving up my true self. I spent my schooldays putting up a mask and blending in, but lived the life of a loner on my free time because it was such a relief to get home and feel like myself again. I relate to the style of attachment that Teal was embodying with this guy, because I've had at least one friendship with a girl who was totally in control of how close we were and I sticked beside her in order to receive the approval I wanted, but I also didn't get too close because I felt like that would make her push me away. I'm not the golden child in my family anymore and I honestly don't know if I need to focus on independence or not. I guess part of me really needs that and then another part of me feels absolutely terrified of being alone. 

Edit; nvm I kept watching, guess I have disorganised attachment.. shit. 

I'm disorganized as well, though I knew it previous to this workshop.  It's really a torturous way to live and seems really unfair.  I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

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Dear Teal

Please make an episode on how to experience healing to an *Dizorganized Attachment* person. I would like to know how to love these type of people.

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I have a disorganized attachment with the Indian society in general. Also, I have an avoidant attachment and anxious attachment with my family!! (Basically, I'm screwed)

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i got so triggered when teal was having an issue with doing the dishes and realised how much i deny my own needs because im terrified of expressing them to be shown that people might not actually care.

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I feel like you can have Enmeshment Trauma/ Avoidant Attachment with abandonment traumas. I mean, hasn’t everyone suffered some type of abandonment trauma as a child? I feel like when it comes to this topic. There is a spectrum as well.

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On 11/18/2018 at 2:52 PM, Silje said:

I'm confused because I feel like I have experienced both abandonment trauma as well as enmeshment trauma, and that I have a hybrid version of both attachment styles. When you talk about the types of trauma, I relate to enmeshment because I feel like I wasn't allowed to fully be myself and I had to alter my personality in order to get close to my parents. I grew up as the "golden child" because of this, however I feel like I didn't all the way succeed at giving up my true self. I spent my schooldays putting up a mask and blending in, but lived the life of a loner on my free time because it was such a relief to get home and feel like myself again. I relate to the style of attachment that Teal was embodying with this guy, because I've had at least one friendship with a girl who was totally in control of how close we were and I sticked beside her in order to receive the approval I wanted, but I also didn't get too close because I felt like that would make her push me away. I'm not the golden child in my family anymore and I honestly don't know if I need to focus on independence or not. I guess part of me really needs that and then another part of me feels absolutely terrified of being alone. 

Edit; nvm I kept watching, guess I have disorganised attachment.. shit. 

? Omg omg omg I had the exact same question as you!! When I was watching the video up until the disorganized attachment part, I was getting very confused since I had both patterns present in my relationship just like you. And after evaluating my romantic relationships for the past 4-5 years I realized that disorganized attachment is THE THING. 

Honestly I think this is the best Teal video I have seen (for me personally). Now when I have time I will rewatch it and start working on my relationship pattens... Before this video I was super confused. And even thought I am still not completely clear about what I should be working on (a total blend from both enmeshment and abandonment patterns), I know I am on the right track.

Just being aware of myself having the disorganized attachment brings soooooo much relief to my body and soul.

Cannot express the love I have for Teal and her work ♥️

On 11/25/2018 at 10:32 AM, Maho said:

Dear Teal

Please make an episode on how to experience healing to an *Dizorganized Attachment* person. I would like to know how to love these type of people.

Yes!!

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I would love to hear more about all of the three dynamics as well, especially the disorganized attachment.

After watching the same video, I found myself having relationship patterns of both attachment styles and came to conclusion that I probably have the disorganize attachment. 

When I was a child and up until 2-3 years ago, the "golden child" dynamic dominated everything else (extremely narcissistic father); and when (about 3 years ago) I started to express my true self bit by bit... the dynamic drastically changed to the abandoned child one, even though I, of course, had a lot left from the "golden child" dynamic. 

In romantic relationships I have had so far I could not clearly identify myself or the partners as being one or the other (avoidant / anxious) person. I definitely dissolve myself almost completely in the other's person needs and desires, but at the same time I am definitely not the one who controls the relationship... I feel like I never know how to please them and what are "the things that make them stay" because they always leave with no clear reason... It is extremely hurtful and confusing.

Teal, if you ever read this, please consider making a video about disorganized attachment dynamic and how we should heal ourselves. 

The Stockholm video was truly one of the most eyeopening videos of yours I have seen (for me personally).

♥️ Love you and your work,

Polina 

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So avoidant attachment styles should be with people who don't mind space and distance unless they are able to take the other as part of themselves? 

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Perfect. I have disorganized attachment style. I was married for 27 years, and we both went into the marriage as friends only. So I have been celibate mostly in my life. We moved our marriage into just a friendship in 2011, and since then I have been moving very slowly into considering a real partnership. I have been a vipassana meditator for 30+ years, and have done my own version of the completion process that has been very effective in becoming comfortable moving toward emotions. So when I met a man I really trust and like, I completely fell apart when we attempted to become intimate physically. I tried to work with the emotions, but then went so off the scale that I have now asked him to not be in touch with me, and only after I deleted all of his contact info, our written conversations to each other, unfriended him on Facebook and deleted all of his photos, I continued having insomnia and anxiety.  Once this was done, and I know how trustworthy he is in not contacting me, I can sleep again and getting my "normal" state of mind back. I am not feeling hopeless, just more realistic about what it may mean to give myself the curiosity, space and patience to feel what I now know I can and do feel with physical and emotional intimacy.  

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This was highly interesting. The fact where Teal said, "you agreed to wash the dishes and now that is what you need to get done either you wash the dishes or get someone else to do the dishes. If you don't do the dishes that's going to be a BIG problem because if you don't that is a breach of Trust. ooh. PREACH TEAL!!! LOL. 😄 Lovely. I learned so much in this first portion of the workshop. P.S. He was adorable! ❤️ 

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