Leaderboard


Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation since 12/19/17 in all areas

  1. 8 points
    Merry Christmas To all those Tealers out there; to those that have partaken in interesting Forums with me, I thank you and wish you well for this festive season. To those I have annoyed, my pardon please; may you forgive me my indiscretions - I am learning still. To those I have touched, sometimes in ways that were not predicted - blessed be. To those I have hurt - I am deeply sorry. May the hurt dissipate and some understanding and empathy for me be part of your nature as it is mine. There are also those who deserve mentioning, that I would truly like to thank personally: Sea Biscuit aka Teal dearest and Blake; @toemilyjune @Raederle @Garnet @vincent @Scot @Pastor George @Big River John @Heidi Havula @rahrahroozie @Denni @GabijaCij @Lanna Lake @Alex7 @Mai-da @Mark Joseph Middleton @Debloom @LL. and others, I sincerely thank you for allowing me the freedom of expression and sometimes freedom to just vent. I love you all and have appreciated contact in its various forms with you. I wish you all well and hope that close connection and family ties bring a deeper meaning to your lives over this festive season. To this I have forgotten - send a Post and remind me, Ha! This Mirror is signing off and fogging up for the rest of this year. I'll see you, PM you and or Reply you in 2018. Peace, Love and Light, crystal Rob
  2. 3 points
    Teal doesn't have good intentions? what if teal herself is healing still? arent you healing still? arent we all doing that? have you experienced the severe trauma she went through? are you dealing withher issues? are you helping her to where you believe 'a better place' for her would be? are you always 100% conscious of your 'shadow' and never make any mistakes? you have never manipulated anyone? you have never lied? It smells like projection here... if you hate others you hate yourself. what you see in others is within you. do you agree? what if she took it down to protect herself from people who are willing to abuse her and use it against her, because they misunderstand the info she shares? people who are quick to call out her faults and dont understand her good intentions and would love to see her go down for not being perfect? could it be that your perception of her is just a mere reflection and projection of your own inner insecurities and wounds? by saying all these negativites about her it just means you have these issues within yourself but you are scared to see it and and accept them and integrate them... it seems to me you are screaming for attention. and im willing to give it to you if it helps you heal and redirect your focus. but you need to have some selfreflection and honest introspection and scan yourself first before youre pointing the finger, dont you agree? nobody is just light nobody is just dark you need to pay attention to what you dont like about yourself and where you are insecure and heal it first. peace
  3. 3 points
    trigger warning: self harm {im kind of glad this forum exist...because now i really want to share all my writings..most. im like excited hahah.. this one i really just made right here} here i lay with deafnining thoughts of unholiness conflicted by the want to slice open another and myself i just want to see, i just want see, i'll say to myself because i know theres so much more than whats on the surface so let me peer inside and allow the flow to show itself to me let me see, let me see because i cant stand looking in the mirror , i move out of my body just see clearly steady my hand and everything is hushed slow motioned to give time to realize this is not what i really want "dont" moving in closer, I tear what i cant stand to see in the mirror and i let the guilt flood me but i am calm and lick my wounds as if i meant to do it to clean myself, to purify, to heal myself am i really that disgusting i must purify this body through slashes and bandaids? oh god, ive lost myself again and i am drowing in the raging fits and tantrums "You have never loved me!! You're a liar!! You all are!!.. im all alone here" and it repeats and it will keep repeating if i keep believing
  4. 3 points
    You take a map, kiss the state you want to project yourself in, do 50 push-ups , meditate a bit on your loved one, and you're good to go
  5. 3 points
    If we look at life as a video game , then once you wake up inside the game, you are no longer a gamer. You become an observer... an observer that is trying to go back into the game. Your focus shifts and it's like you are looking from a far at everything. The longer you observe, the more you are being pushed back. You can always continue playing as it was and deal with its consequences like everyone else (which happens a lot of the time anyway) or you can create your own game. And if you can get enough people to play with you.... once they figure it out and wake up from it, you are no longer hidden in the shadow of your awakening. Essentially this is how you are being brought back to life again, lol which could be both rejuvenating and deadly depending on what all you have done/used/using to play your game.
  6. 3 points
    Hello Ripley, In a a situation like this you are lucky to have a brother. If no conversation works anymore with your parents, you two are the biggest support to each other. Focus on finishing school and becoming more independent, responsible adults. Research how to take care of yourself and move on later in life or post a question here. Remember it is much easier to do it with someone than by yourself so never underestimate the opportunities together.
  7. 2 points
    Here's a small quote from Zig Ziglar that I find helps a lot: "If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.". It also makes great sense if you think in terms of the law of attraction - we get what we sent out. Take it or leave it
  8. 2 points
    On one level I know that leaning into vulnerability is not weakness. It takes strength and courage. And on one level, I want my heart to be open and filled with loving-kindness both for myself and for others. And on one level, I know I need to treat myself with that loving kindness. Self-nurturing is good. Self-indulgence is okay once in a while. And I know that self-abuse is not good. But on another level, I wonder why I am so weak that I need self-nurturing? Why am I so weak that I need to treat myself with loving-kindness? Self-nurturing is a crutch for the weak. I shouldn’t be so weak to need that. I should be strong enough that I don’t need all of that. But I’m not. Fine. I am weak. I’ll admit it. But I only hope that I’m not alone.
  9. 2 points
    Even if teal could reveal the names... It is entirely up to her if she wanted to or not. I dont think it reallt your concern with how she is dealing with that traumatic event. Its kind of out of your control and youre trying really hard to gain that control in the forums.. Its understandable you would want to know whats going on because its a scary thing and if im not mistaken, are you tryinf to forn trust with her? Do you want to trust her but just feel resistant to it because of this? If so, why does it matter? Thats out of teals control and its out of yours too
  10. 2 points
    What are the spiritual consequences of having an organ transplant? Specifically, a heart transplant... Hello everyone who sees this! I have been thinking about this for years, and thought I would finally put this question out there... From an extrasensory perspective, what are the spiritual consequences of losing the physical organ that one was born with, and living through the organ of another as one's own? In my case I had a heart transplant aged 7, due to irreversible heart disease. Having read about the importance of 'the heart', from connecting to it in meditation, to how it is a gateway to the nonphysical, I am curious what the perspective of someone who is able to perceive people on an extrasensory level. Ideally, I would love Teal's perspective. But, as she is very busy and the since this is not a question that would be important to the majority of people (for submitting it via the Ask Teal series) I am interested in hearing from other people who have extrasensory perception, and have personally 'seen' the difference in observing a person who has had a (heart) transplant. If anyone has read anything on the matter, I am also interested (in case you have found something I have not in my research). Speculation is welcome, especially if you are well versed in the biology and spiritual theories. (Also, of course, I welcome speculation on medical metaphysical root causes, though that is not my main focus, as I have not had any additional heart issues since my transplant over 15 years ago, and only require one immunosuppressant drug to prevent organ rejection). Often the spiritual field is overwhelmingly negative relative to the topic of transplants, due to having various expectations, e.g. that people should have cured themselves without resorting to drastic measures. Often, I despair because of this, and feel it is time to try and improve the vibration of my perspective relative to it. I have heard Teal say one can come back from anything. But, transplants are irreversible. (Unless one has nanotechnology, I suppose, ha. I can only dream at the moment.) It seems the best course of action for those who have had transplants and are trying to reconcile it with spiritual ideas... is to try to make peace with where one is at, and to endeavour to remain in equilibrium, within the narrower and more difficult to reach frequency of 'health', when one is constrained by immunosuppressants for life.... From an extrasensory perspective, what are the spiritual consequences of losing the physical organ that one was born with, and living through the organ of another as one's own? What are your thoughts? (Thank you for reading!)
  11. 2 points
    SHAME when shame gets under a person's skin, it's very hard to get rid of it SHAME TURNES A PERSON AGAINST HIMSELF (and who the fuck wants to pay money for this sh** art????!!!) WHAT A VOMIT "How a society disposes of its own human excrement is an indication of how it treats its humans too" I am ready to evolve from this
  12. 2 points
    Thank you so much for the advice and support guys I really shouldn't pressure myself into leaving...there is no rush. It would be good to just save up on money like you say. And when I ask myself, what would somebody that loves themselves do, it would be to stay. Thank you.
  13. 2 points
    Teal actually mentions this in one of her interviews. She says plants are conscious of being harmed but they have the least amount of resistance to being killed. So, there is SOME suffering caused when you say, step on the grass or even ingest plants, but not as much as an animal with a complete nervous system. On another note, fruit can be argued to be the highest vibration of food, because it is an offering from the tree to other mammals. Here it is:
  14. 2 points
    Spirituality is crazy under the model of this society, the religion of science. we aren't supposed to have a soul or have spiritual experiences or we're crazy, or you can have these experiences just don't talk about it lol. The world isn't just limited to western society and what it has to offer, other cultures are well aware of other realms and what god is, like indigenous people, but we are cut off from those experiences, so because the soul and god aren't supposed to exist in this box of beliefs it will be misunderstood. Maybe you got really good at raising your awareness and you don't have a solid map of reality so it's all over the place, disassociate in a way. you should write in those states and ask questions, see what comes through.
  15. 2 points
    Crystals & drinking water Hi guys! I did a little experiment a couple of days ago, because I got these pH-strips (I don't know the correct term in english) in the mail, and I wanted to find out if keeping crystals in your water changes the structure of it so that you can actually measure it yourself. And it turns out it does! The strip that was dipped in regular tap water was yellow and the one I dipped in crystal infused water (shungite and rose quartz) was green! This basically means that keeping crystals in water actually alcalizes it. I went nuts and giggled to my husband saying "I'm not crazy for keeping crystals in my water, hahaa!", over and over again:D Anyway, I was also wondering what are your favorite crystals to keep in your drinking water? And are there any other crystals that dissolve in water other than selenite and fluorite?
  16. 2 points
    any advice how to find a solution? I have question. I am in a emotionally abusive relationship with person I believe is a Narcissist. I want to leave the relationship but just a thought that I will not put my doughter to bed every night and not wake her up in the morning is killing me. I feel stuck. I have done pain replace meditation and got to understanding that it is issue of me feeling that I dont belong anywhere. My children have been my safe place to feel belonging, today while doing quantum heeling modul on the same subject got the flash of image that my children are the closest to what I know love is.....and then it is confusing, if I feel I am dying when I think of not being with my daughter every day......that is conditional love.....I am so confused. I feel if I will find what is holding, trigerring me in relation to children I will be ready to leave this realtionship. P.S. I had almost identical story when my son was the same age as my doughter.....I wanted to leave relationship but could do it only by leaving my son to live with his father.....bot times men are thretaning me by taking away my children, fist time I did not fight for my son, beliving then that it will harm him, this time I want to fight but I am in strange country, economicaly dependent not a citizen.......much more harder. I see it as a lesson I did not get the first time and now it is coming back 100 times harder....... how to get to the point, what is the lesson, issue, resistance ...my mind is so confused, please help me
  17. 2 points
    Yep that can happen often, one opens before the others. Work on all the chakras and energy centers that you feel you don't have. So diet for things like the charkas around your stomach, exercise for ones more identified with body etc. I over complicate things too but its not rocket science, just picking a routine. (or route ) More advice. Pull the electrical equipment out from where meditate or better yet sleep. This helps, less signals bouncing around, if you are hyper sensitive at the moment having a safe space built up with crystals for support is awesome. It helped me a lot. Kept a few at the door, few near the bed etc. Eventually someone at the time i resented broke my 'safe space' and safe bubble I was in, but it was great for the time of healing when I needed it. Also clear the air with burning some white sage, get it up into the corners of the room if you can. Tibetan bells can helped for clearing, as can extremely high frequency tones. Eventually your chakras might toughen up, which I feel is more that they balance out. Like you are saying. Your energy centers around security and yourself balance out with the rest of it. This is all the internal world(s) of you. And you can choose to close Chakras too skim youtube for how to open | close chakras, find someone you relate to as there are a lot of methods. Then outward. Expanding your aura around yourself, things that grow your aura, anything that hits you has to go via that, so its an outer body, remove metal from yourself that you don't need till things balance out. Around you after that is your room, which you can work on making as you want to feel inside. After that you've got your closest friends/relationships. Which we have less control over but we still have some. Then the community we choose to live in, which again is more distant but still a part of us. Think of it like bodies of yourself, and the closer ones to you at least should reflect what you want life to be. If you want it peaceful and serene at the minute? Look around and answer honestly if the room you are in looks that way. The bigger we choose to work, inside - aura - room - immediate relationships - neighbours - community. The less influence we have and the harder it is, but its still worth doing when you can. All the best.
  18. 2 points
    Awakening on this planet feels traumatic In her allegations video, Teal says it's traumatic living on Earth when you awaken and to see clearly how things actually are on this planet. How do you relate to this in your perspective of this world, and how that feels internally?
  19. 2 points
    Then don't be alone! Get out and get with people. Fill your life with the opposite. You feel the need within you, do you want to meet it? Takes courage I know, believe me I know. There is resistance there, else you'd be doing it right now, we all would with our needs. Many of us live stuck behind this resistance. Here are a few olive branches to help. 1) What is what someone who would love themselves do? Ask an answer in relation to the situation, make that the third person in your relationships at first to give yourself breathing room. Soul knows, you can ask it too, it's always there when you want it to be. 2) Don't filter yourself as much. - When you want to say something say it. We have to take into account others as MUCH as ourselves. I put much there in capitals, so you realise you are as important in the relationship as him, relating to another human being as they are. 3) Find some none fake people. People who don't live in a world of pretense. This IS REALLY HARD! But it's possible. You've probably met them, they've probably upset you from time to time, the ones that speak their mind heavily. The narcissists do. Trouble is with them, they don't consider you. Which isn't relating at all, not relating in a relationship is the death of it, any kind of relationship. Aim for the people that obviously care about other people, but also themselves. Then you've got someone who can relate to you, and you can relate to them. Not an idea of them or an idea of you. Not how they want you to be or how you want them to be. 4) Teals completion process. Is hard yes, harder when you feel you are alone. I do. But you've got yourself, and your soul, and anyone that you reach out to like here. These mean a lot when you've got nothing. Be good to yourself, hug yourself when nobody else will, comfort yourself. Cry when you need to. PM me when you need to. I've got time on my hands, its no imposition. If you feel like it. I'll give you a non pretense answer to anything, and you can decide if its helpful or not. When we get people as they are, we won't always like aspects of them, and that's okay. That's part of what happens when the narcissist and codependent behavior ends. Things become less absolute, people become more and more complex and real. As do our feelings and reactions to them. It'll be the same way inside of yourself. You are weak AND strong. You are ALONE but you are NOT ALONE too, like here, when you reached out, and people answered. Then never give her up. Don't put up with abuse either though. You sound like you know exactly what you need. You need your daughter, and you need space from a narcissist. Painful as all hell yes but clear. What you need is the answer on how to have that. You may say yes Mark that's obvious. But keep asking that exact question of people, of yourself and of spirit, you'll get an answer. Meditate on it as well if it helps, give it time. You can tell the narcissist all this, and see what happens. Telling him why more importantly, and even link him a video on narcissism. People deserve to know why I think, when you are safe though. Especially if he's violent, then you can pick and choose to give him this gift of why at your leisure, when you have distance. If he's not violent, then maybe you can show him what he's doing to you, plain as day. And also (and here's the hard bit) which parts of him you cannot accept either. It's too early for me to be telling you to look at this for now. For now, healing and protecting yourself comes first, above everything. But there will be bits of him you can't accept either. Like if he's violent, and you shouldn't accept it, that's a cue to get as far away as possible. I am using a clear example here, there are many less obvious ones. Like if he's controlling, and to what degree. It may be a need to control his life, because he's always felt out of control, and how much or what of that need can you or is right for you to accept. If its controlling over where you eat out, what's on TV or if its who you choose to keep as a friend. - People are complex. Now all that's said. Anyone threatening to use your daughter as a weapon or bargaining chip is sick. It's sick and disgusting. Don't tolerate it. I would be exceptionally angry here, I am in fact a bit angry and I don't even know you both. If you want some help in the dreaming world, ask my soul for it too, it likes to help makes it feel like its doing some good in life. :-D Best of luck!
  20. 2 points
    Yes, hands has always been heavily involved with anger))) That was very funny. Thanks!
  21. 2 points
    whoever wants to touch and process her or his anger needs to MOVE it physically in my experience. That could mean expressing it through art but a lot of times, swearing/boxing/kicking and screaming are the route for healing !
  22. 2 points
    Day 66 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? Be Authentic With Where You're At. I unbit my tongue.
  23. 2 points
    Och! Dopiero znalazłam ten "polski wątek", cudownie! Kochani stworzyłam Teal Swan Poland na fb jeżeli ktoś jeszcze chce dołączyć. Co prawda niewiele czasu mam na tłumaczenie filmików ale zawsze będziemy bardziej w kupie W lipcu byłam w Kostaryce na treningu u Teal i jestem chyba pierwszą osobą w Polsce ceryfikowaną w Completion Process, to był absolutnie punkt zwrotny w moim życiu, bardzo chciałabym się dzielić tym procesem również po polsku! Zapraszam do kontaktu Monika
  24. 2 points
    Idk if I'm tapping into my anger side well enough. But in my mind I intended to be only my angry side and I had the image of red filling up my body. Suddenly I felt like I was swimming in blood. Then just the opposite of me was the angry aspect of me. So instead of me being the angry side of me I was looking at this pissed off version of me. First thing she did was beat me up. At first I wanted to run, but then I thought. Go ahead and beat me up. If it'll make you feel better. So I got beat up and started to sink to the bottom of the pool of blood. I just decided to stay there. At my surprise my angry side saves me and says"I'm pissed off at you, doesn't mean I don't love you". I told her I was ready to listen to her. The image of her destroying the house from the inside out was clear. She felt trapped.
  25. 2 points
    I will use this topic to wish you happy New year Maybe we should open a topic on new years resolutions or something... yesterday it was revelatory to me, i didn't like what I understood, ego rebeling as always, but hopefully things will change... Happy New year, i apologize if someone denies this reply Best, M
  26. 2 points
    @Garnet my brother and I are getting along. We are going to get lunch his afternoon:). @Mai-da I am working on disconnecting and asserting my boundaries. I’m seeing progress in the latter.
  27. 2 points
    Mark, we say it is better to give than to receive but both are needed. We can't give unless there is someone is there to receive and what a wonderful gift it is when it's needed and unexpected. To be a cheerful giver is great, expecting nothing in return, but to be a graceful receiver sharing honest appreciation, wonder and awe at the gift and the giver is a treasure to be cherished as well. Giving a gift anonymously can be a joy but it robs the gifted of any opportunity to express their appreciation. Enjoy the ride! The best gift of all is life eternal. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!
  28. 2 points
    Interesting quote, not what i was expecting, I was looking for a much more personal take on getting in touch with anger. I had an opportunity to get in touch with my anger on Christmas eve when my adult step-daughter and I had a shouting match. Things were said that were both hurtful and revealing. She went away feeling bad and I felt relieved. For me it was the culmination of suppressed anger on both our parts and a big relief that feelings had been honestly expressed that had been bottled up since she moved in with us in November. For her I think it was a loss of control and therefor scary, leaving her with feelings of expected retribution. Christmas was a little strained but generally uneventful. I recently attended a Native American spiritual ritual including drumming and stomp dancing. It was with a different group who practice a "red road" as opposed to the white road rituals that i had participated in previously. I think that and Teal have helped me see my own anger as appropriate and acceptable, useful as a guide to inner issues and a tool to overcome societal barriers I carry to honesty and open expression of feelings. Now my step-daughter and I need to talk more about the things that were said. Stay tuned...
  29. 2 points
    Depends who you talk to,. The main thing is its going to be yours not mine. So maybe stop reading here if you innerstand that. If its me or another perspective is really helpful. You've been doing that since you were born as well, and before. If you need an event to say it has happened, as I did at one time, i'm sure your soul has one in mind. Others would say being spiritual means working with spirits, which kind of makes sense, as long you realise you are a spirit too. Others would say work with the energy inside of yourself, because that has much less baggage in the way. Make contact with others who feel like you do. I've been saying this a lot recently. But it'll really help. Like the people in this thread. I said the same to @Mai-da and a few others in posts, even one person can make a heck of a difference.
  30. 2 points
    This is a very good possibility. One miserable, one happy is way way way two different emotional states. Like predator and prey. It is a miracle if two even can see each other in the same room. So, yes it is very possible for them to just ignore each other untill there is something mutual between them that they can share. In a predator-prey example this could be things like hunger, thirst, sickness etc. The state of happiness is not a constant heighten joyfull state of being. In fact, I don't know anyone who can sustain happiness 24/7 and act/feel like a happy dolphin all the time. If you have a friend like this, I will not be surprised if you have had thoughts of just smashing his head off with smth heavy like a pan because of how disturbing this could get. And btw being happy doesn't always mean sharing it. Running to a miserable friend yelling "I just won 1 000 000$!!!" is like adding more salt to the wound. So, a wise (happy) person is not going to do that. The same with miserable(wise) one - most likely he is not going to share his misery with a friend who is going through some important happy times (wedding, for ex). For both misery and happiness to be shared the other side has to be in an receptive state, willing to listen and/or just be there. This is not about validating/invalidating anyone. It's just how it is when people care. If you have a dog, you are not expecting it to write "I love you" on a wall just so you can feel validated and loved, right? You already know that with his presence and nothing else. So, it's the same with people. If miserable and happy are sharing the same space, then most likely the happy one is on his way down (emotionally) and the miserable one is most likely on his way up the emotional scale (looking for solution, perhaps).
  31. 2 points
    Under the assumption that all we really need is to know that we are not alone: Scensrio A: 1- the happy one learns the story of the miserable one. The miserable one gets to express their feelings and starts to feel a little better. The happy one remembers feeling the same way and emphasizes. Thus the happy one comes down but raises the miserable one up out of their misery. Then they both feel okay. 2- the happy one then gets the chance to share their happy story. The one who was miserable is able to emphathize and share in the joy of the happy one. They both are happy, and connected. Scenario B: The happy one launches into their happy story. The empathetic miserable one shares in the joy and spiritually by-passes their own misery. Either the misery is processed later or not at all and becomes a part of the miserable one’s shadow.
  32. 2 points
    ❤Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!❤ 🎄Happy holidays everyone!!!🎄 💖LOVE & LIGHT TO ALL!💖 P.S. Same tree. Third year in a row. And still going. P.P.S. Spot the difference.
  33. 2 points
    hey hey hey Anger doesn't choose what is worth acting out what not. That is just an illusion that you can choose where and when to feel anger, when not. You can be in tune with your emotions enough to process the feeling and let it go, but never think reasonably enough in those moments. Anger is real shit. And i dont understand this what is and what isnt worth acting it out, because I cant reason worth then, if something has triggered me, its pretty damn worth for me, you see? If there's a trigger, it's worth it, valuable for/to you, it means its meaningful to your psyche and being. You dont use anger when you want to get what you want. You use manipulation. Anger is real shit to me. Bullying and abuse is not expressing or feeling anger. Also, i dont think anger is addictive, its not really pleasant haha . anger doesn't make me feel powerful, exactly the opposite, but thats another thing maybe But., that anger is a sign you are alive in a way, to me that is true, because Mark said it, knowing its higher vibration than powerlessness right, it's a very big deal. Anger shows us where to direct ourselves. what is meaningful to us. What are our belief systems, how beneficial are they to us, what are our values... It's how i see it. @Mark Joseph Middleton hi! I was in the bus while reading this post and was eager to join in So i just want to share with you, i dig you a lot to some degree, i was raised by a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic artist, assumingly codependant personality father, never got to meet him to that depth, but given he was violent towards mother , you can imagine what influences i got. There were times i was violent towards her too... I also imagined for a long time, because i despised her, i imagined all sorts of misfortunes to her, stabbing her and stuff... I am not proud of this, but a healing process includes this too. Not only that you admit to yourself how much you hate them, but you need to let yourself imagine all sorts of scenarios, in which you revenge.. If we dont allow ourselves to feel the rage as deep as it wants to go, we have fucked up the whole process. I wasnt aware of what i was doing, neither that i was in a sort of process, but it did give me relief, and honestly, i didnt have any choice, feelings were so strong, i had to rely on something... This is pretty intimate stuff i am telling you, but i want you to see some stuff i went through. On the other side, i have also the narcissistic traits too. But this is the best combination Mark! You can build tremendous compassion with it. However it is... I get also very angry btw, but now there are different reasons and it's more authentic, and the more you integrate, there is no way you hurt anyone, because you can express, but you never identify with it, you see? If you dont get identified with it, you will never hurt, you will just express . There still are attachments, i am still learning, but when i am naturally loud, people feel it, people feel when you seem to get angry but you dont blame anyone, (but ok there's contradiction here because we are usually angry WITH someone, which in the end, is always US, we are angry with us! ) they feel it, or if they dont, and they accuse you for getting angry or something, they are projecting, they have their own issues with conflicts, anger and confrontations and so they react however they react. Maybe you should see/focus on what triggers you, triggers the anger, rather than the anger itself. I love my mother now btw, she has changed a lot... I will read your other comments now kisses
  34. 2 points
    As we were driving to the trailhead, my step son (Teal's son Winter) expressed how his heart was starting to feel distrust because people were coming in and out of his life. Joining the community and getting close to him only to then leave the community. He explained that he felt very connected to a community member that last year who had to leave us temporarily. He explained that as a result he was now feeling resistant to get close again to new people and caretakers because he felt they would only leave and the pain of separation would be too great to handle. It was the beginning a remarkable speech which illustrated the accuracy of the attachment theory but with the words of a 7 year old. That day I had decided to organize some fun family time because I understood how important “together time” is for Winter, Teal and our community. Teal and I travel often and I have many activities and responsibilities that occupy my time. I recognize I am not present enough to my stepson and members of the community. Right when we were about to start our day trip, Winter started to act out and refused to come. A couple of years ago, if it had been my children, I will have raised my voice and coerced them to get into the car, discounting their feelings. I would have done this because I used to feel I knew what was right for them better than they did. Fortunately, Teal took the time to engage in a dialog with him instead. She got him to a point where he could express his upset verbally. And when he did, he expressed the pain he had about connection. I used the opportunity to ask Winter about our own personal connection. With his hands, he showed me the separation between him and I, which was significant. He said that I was around but not really there. His statement moved me deeply. He is right that I am not really present to him as a stepdad. I have not made him a priority and often find myself delegating his caretaking to other members of the community. We talked and we decided together to spend some time at least once a week and just the two of us so that we can truly connect and feel closer to one another. As we drove back in the evening, I told Teal that I felt a heavy heart and would love to do a process with her on it. I had pain in my upper neck, which was an indication that I was repressing emotions. Teal helped me work through some triggers and did some body work on me. At that point, she felt I was ready for an authentic talk. She confronted me that while we spent the day together, she felt I was not really engaged and present with everyone. It was hard to hear it at first because I was the one who had organized the full day and it felt like all of us had a good time. I reviewed the day in my mind and could see her perspective. I had spent the day in my own mind. I did not make proactive efforts to engage with anyone. I found myself alone a couple of times during the activities. I was either in front of or behind everyone else. I also asked to read my book in the car instead of going to the store to shop for clothes for Winter. I tried to do the right thing by organizing a fun family day but I had been physically present and not emotionally present to the family. As a result, my wife was rightly so starving of connection after a day dedicated to spending time together as a family! I was acting as a human doing and not a human being. In fact, while I was with them, I was making them feel like I did not want to be there and that I would rather work on my projects. At that point, I became conscious that I had the same pattern with my previous family. With my kids and ex wife, I would go on hikes with them, but I would often lead the way by walking way in front of everyone. I was not curious about my children's inner world, feelings and endeavors. I was content with a shallow connection even though it was our only time for true connection as it was our only day off during the busy Silicon Valley work week. Shortly after my ex wife and I separated, I tried to make the time spent with my children special. I would organize special trips, time with friends or activities during the time I had them. However, they complained to me that what they really wanted was to connect to me instead of always being entertained. When they said this, I felt unappreciated. I felt I was really trying to make our time together special. Unbeknownst to me, I was making them feel that they were not enough by themselves for themselves and that I always had to have more to entertain me than just them in order to enjoy my time with them. This was not my conscious intent. This was more my own projection. Subconsciously I felt like I was not good enough that they would enjoy spending time with me without additional entertainment. People around me often feel that I would rather do something else than to just be and truly connect with them. Despite my 25 years on the spiritual path, I felt disabled in my ability to connect. I was feeling powerless to create the very feelings in myself and others that are so important to me. As I went deeper into my process with Teal's support, I realized the trauma was coming from my dad. His mother would rarely visit him when he was a child. He subconsciously felt she would rather not be with him because she felt shame for the relationship that had brought him into the world. Their infrequent meeting was a painful reminder that there was something wrong and bad with him. My grandmother always lived in her own world too and always had difficulty connecting with family members at a deeper level while appearing to be a socialite to the outside world. Essentially, we are dealing here with generational trauma. My grandmother's mother died when she was 11. Her father quickly remarried. The new wife did not like her and her sister. They were kicked out of the house and had to start working at the post office in their early teens to sustain themselves. Then, 50 years later, my parents divorced when I was 10. My sister and I initially stayed with my father but because of my stepmother's insecurity and my father's codependency, I was sent back to be with my mother. Sadly, I was powerless not to repeat the same family pattern. My son was 11 when my ex wife and I separated. While I did everything on my end to fight for an integrated family structure after the divorce, my children were taught to hate my new wife, Teal even though they never met her. From their perspective, they felt abandoned by me because they were told that I chose another woman over them. Any family trauma that is not healed, repeats from generation to generation and often in a tragic way. After my parents divorced, some of the greatest torment I experienced was that I spent with my father. During my time with him, I felt invisible. The times we would spend together were rare and during those rare times, he was not emotionally present to me. It felt like he would rather do something else and be somewhere else. I felt non-existent, small and unworthy of love. He often had hurtful comments or clumsy gifts that made me feel worse about myself. From his perspective, he felt he was making efforts trying to be a good father while from my perspective, his actions proved the opposite. To be honest, it is not very differently to what I am doing today with my loved ones. As an adult, I can see that my father is not an abusive man. He is actually doing the best he knows how to do. But because of his own upbringing, he has an incapacity to connect and make other people feel special because deep inside, he feels very unworthy. And now, I have to accept that he is a mirror of me. The only time I felt truly acknowledged by my father and his parents were when they expressed satisfaction about my excellent grades at school. As a result, I felt like I could only be valued for my successes and external accomplishment, not for who I am. I learned that people did not have a real desire to connect to me. I always strived to be the best at school so that I would have a chance to be loved. I became a human doing. And most of my adulthood relationships were conditional upon my successes and status as a result. As I was processing, I was guided to visualize the type of father that I really wanted as a child. I imagined that this father would be fully present to me. He would be a teacher full of wisdom about life and relationships. When we would interact, he would focus and empathically listen to me. He would show concern and have the sincere desire to know me deep inside. He would be excited to spend time with me. I would always be on his mind. He would show small gestures of love making me feel important. He would act as a protector when necessary and always be available for me when I need it. He would encourage me, help me overcome my fears, have a sympathetic ear, and show both strength and vulnerability. As I contemplated who my inner child really wanted as a father, I came to realize the brutal truth that in my present life, I often act more like my own father than being the man my own inner child has been starving for. With this painful awareness, I feel a sincere desire to change. I understand that to truly heal my life and my relationships, it is time to give my inner child what I always wanted and give it to the closest people of my life. For you Winter, I want you to feel that I enjoy spending time and connecting with you. I want you to feel that you are important to me, that I will be careful with your heart and not pull away. I want you to feel that I am interested to understand and see the unique being that you are. For you Teal, I want you to feel that I would rather be with you than doing anything else in the world; that you are my top priority. I want to make you feel safe, cared for, cherished and adored. I want you to feel that I am an expert on you and that I always care about your best interest. I want to be your anchor, strength and stability especially during the storms of life. I want to share the same qualities to our community. As I heal, I sincerely hope that my own children will feel the call of my heart and will consider reconnecting with me as they feel I could improve their lives and support them authentically instead of being a liability. I remember that in the past I have tried to bring these higher masculine qualities. However I am now realizing that I attempted to do so while repressing my inner child. Now, I am committed to cultivating these qualities within me while also staying present to my inner child. My divine masculine not only needs to take care of my loved ones but also needs to take care of my hurt little boy. He is being reflected externally. This is why relationships are such an accelerated track for expansion. In my life, I have been a human doing more than a human being and it is not a surprise I spent 20 years in the Silicon Valley where a regular work week is 70 hours, but most of us work much more. As a human doing, how we feel about ourselves is only connected to our accomplishments. We received compliments as children only when we achieved something special externally. This style of parenting is very common and well regarded in society. While it is better than emotional neglect, most people do not realize the amount of damage done by this parenting style. To be worthy of love, children learn to behave a certain way and accomplish certain results otherwise love is removed. They learn they do not have an intrinsic value. Unfortunately, the satisfaction derived by accomplishments is always short lived. When I was 20, I entered one of the top engineering schools in France. After succeeding at the national competitive exams, my joy only lasted a couple of weeks. It quickly turned into depression for one reason. Having achieved my goal, I lost the escape mechanism I was using to avoid my own inner void and childhood trauma. Teal told me yesterday that at the end of the day, all that will matter is who is next to you when you are on your deathbed. She said that connection will mean much more to me than any of my accomplishments in terms of personal happiness. She is so right. As we grow older, our joy comes more and more from simple pleasures. The pleasure of connecting and relating is more meaningful than our past achievements. As a human doing, we develop an addiction to crossing as many items as we can off our list in order to feel fulfilled. We are more concerned with this than with how we have impacted each other's lives for the better. As a human doing, failure to perform means worthlessness and that we are undeserving of love. I can see how this pattern has affected most of my relationships. Every time I have fallen in love, the first couple of months are heavenly. There is no time. There is just the pleasure to connect with one another. A whole day feels like a couple of minutes. Then the intensity of the infatuation subsides and a covert subconscious belief comes in to replace it. It tells me that unless I am able to have achievements, she will leave me because I am not good enough on my own. So I pull away to focus on my activities in order keep the love I cannot afford to lose. By pulling away, I make her insecure and she starts pulling away to protect herself emotionally. She feels abandoned and not good enough for who she is. She feels unloved and unworthy. Inevitably, she detaches and makes me feel the way I make her feel. The relationship becomes rocky. And my very worst fear of losing love eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I become alone in my accomplishments and do not understand why love is going away because I am working so hard and I am doing so much for my wife and the family. This is the tragedy of the human doing. Instead, we need to focus on our children's feelings, values and efforts. We need to teach them how to treat other people. We also need to show them that we truly care for who they are and do not only have concerns about their results. Let’s leave that for the corporate world ;-) Transactional relationships may be OK for the business world however they are toxic for family relationships and I can see now that we need to instill unconditional love with our children to create the new earth. We will then raise children with less fear of failure that are free to experiment and discover their unique gifts because their self-esteem will not be in danger when they do not perform according expectation. We may fear that this attitude may make them underachievers however by doing so, we focus on the very underlying conditions of success and we make them connect to their individual talent which is derived directly from their inner self. Movement, spontaneity and creativity are natural in children, not apathy. Inactivity and aloofness are the mark of trauma, not of a healthy emotional upbringing. Our children can achieve success in two different ways. One will be a direct expression of their being, happiness and creativity, and will often translate in fulfilling and meaningful careers. The other will achieve success at the price of intense inner struggles, coping mechanisms and misery along the way. This is often followed by a crash when later in life, they realize that they hate their job and their lives. They will often fool people on the outside. Everyone will see them as successful. But on the inside, they feel empty. These two categories of success can be observed in all walks of life, especially with top athletes. I am an example of a person who achieved the second type of success. The human doing is the personality that has repressed the human being or the inner child, which is the seat of the soul with all its creative, expressive and intuitive abilities. Our human doing has done enough damage repressing our inner child. It is time to have our human doing serve our human being for a truly meaningful and satisfying life. Do you want to be a human doing or a human being? What do you want your children to become?
  35. 2 points
    I never took drugs or spiritual medicine outside of a safe shamanic container. A good friend and roommate of mine first introduced me to medicine work when I was 26. At the time, I took LSD and it completely shattered my reality. It shortcut my mind and gave me an insight into the truth of spiritual reality, love, consciousness, my own life and my ultimate purpose. What I especially loved about it is that it gave me a direct access to reality, what people call God or Source as well as the truth of who I am. Because of this experience, I developed a lot of respect for medicinal plants and would commonly recommend to seekers who feel stuck. And to people who have minds that get in the way of their heart. Because many of these substances are illegal in the US, in my early thirties, I found a completely safe and legal way to create altered states of consciousness using holotropic breathwork. As a psychotherapist, Grof was involved in earlier tests on the therapeutic potential of LSD. When psychedelics were peremptorily banned in the 1960s, Grof developed holotropic breathing as a means of simulating the psychedelic experience of LSD without the drug itself. I found an excellent facilitator where I lived in San Francisco at the time: Todd Zimmerman. Todd taught one of our best workshops to date at Philia from March 11th to 18th 2017. While breathwork does not provide the psychedelic elements that you may find with substances, it does bring altered states of consciousness, visions into the subconscious, deep emotional release and inner journeying. Another benefit is that one is able to bring much more memory away from the journey as this is a body centered experience. After I started dating Teal, I decided not to do medicine work. First, she was not that comfortable with shamanic medicine because it brings very high intensity emotions and could prevent people from feeling day-to-day reality fully. Essentially, she does not support the idea of becoming dependent on substances to get a spiritual experience. The cult that abused her used breathwork as a way to program her as well. So she was not open to try it at the time. However, after she had a private breathwork session with Todd at Philia, she felt the potential of this practice and stated this was one of the best healing modalities available to people. From my perspective, the states of consciousness brought by these shamanic processes are just guides to show your potential and bring you back into alignment with your higher purpose. They give you a window into the actual emotional truth of where you stand in order for you to make adjustments or changes to live your life at a higher level. They are a sacred tool that should not be used for recreational purpose. And many who have not treated them with respect have been burned. I was comfortable stopping medicine work at the time too because I was already doing so much inner work being with a woman like Teal. After we decided to move to Costa Rica, I become very busy with all the logistics and ensuring that Philia would be a success from the get go. As a problem solver, I threw myself in this endeavor fully while I started to pay less attention to my relationship with Teal. Teal started to feel more and more abandoned. From my perspective, we were living on a magical property in beautiful Costa Rica, with our family and friends. We were starting a retreat center to heal people, which was a common dream we shared. Our relationship continued to deteriorate to a point that Teal & I started to feel concerned. After almost two years, I felt I needed to go on a shamanic journey to get new perspectives. We had received an application through Philia of a local Ayahuasca shaman so I invited him and his wife to meet with Teal & I. Teal instantly connected with him and felt guided to take this journey too but the shaman recommended that we do it on different days as some of our struggles related to our relationship. She had decided to go one day before. When she came back, she was profoundly impacted by the intensity of everything she saw but relieved in many ways. We only had one hour together before I had to leave to my own journey. I remember her eyes full of love as she saw through her third eye what Ayahuasca would teach me. However, she was not allowed to share anything yet about her own experience and what would unfold for me. Four other friends decided to join me for this Ayahuasca journey. For three of them, it was the first time taking it. It was only my second time. I had taken it previously 6 years ago with a Peruvian group and it had been a hard but very important learning experience. While I was the last one to take a cup of the sacred mixture early evening, I was the first to feel the effect of the sacred mixture and started to vomit only after a couple of minutes. The rest of the group took three cups and a friend even had four cups and hardly felt anything. There is a saying that Ayahuasca always gives you what you need. Every person’s experience of Ayahuasca is unique. I started to purge heavily and hallucinate. My head was buzzing in an uncomfortable way. The surrounding shamanic music and the constant background of cicadas were being amplified to a state of discomfort. I was able not to go into panic, simply allowing the various fears to run their course while enduring the physical, emotional and mental pain of the experience. Teal had recommended me not to resist the place where Ayahuasca wanted to bring me. It took me two hours of torment & confusion to finally get to that place while the Shaman and his friend were attentive to all my needs while I was expressing distress as continued to purged. But when Ayahuasca came to finally take me, it hit me hard. An immense grief took possession of every cell of my body and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I saw my children. At that time, I had not seen them for a year (and it was at the court) and I have not talked to them for nine months as they refused to have any connection with me. Losing one’s children is probably one of most brutal experience one could ever experience. All this time, I had blocked the grief and the pain of this loss. I stayed in this grief space for about 14 hours simply feeling and sobbing. It was emotionally painful however the release felt good too. I had told Teal & Mark (Teal’s ex husband) a week before that collapsing emotionally served no purpose. I realized that I was completely wrong as the crashing I was experiencing was healing me. I had so much grief accumulated in my body that I had become fully toxic to my extra sensory wife and I was more often than not choosing to dismiss her instead of acknowledging her. Or worse deflecting my pain back onto her. During the journey, I realized that at the same time I was grieving my children, my inner child was also grieving the fact that he did not have parents that were emotionally present to him. I was also grieving the fact that my personality had abandoned my inner child at a very early age that I had to be strong and to deal with childhood trauma on my own as I became a parentified child. I remembered myself not crying at all after the divorce of my parents when I was eleven, or my mother telling me that only I was capable of taking myself when I came to her for help with the anxiety attacks I was susceptible as a young teenager. I remember learning to deal with my emotional pain alone because no one could be present with me during these times. I realized I had been abusing my inner child for over 40 years too. As is the case for development trauma, I gave myself the right to adopt new parents that could be fully present to my emotional needs. I saw clearly my coping mechanism to disconnect under pressure in order to do what I have to do. This state of disconnection had only increased Teal’s discomfort about our relationship. As this happened, the intentional community became more weary which increased the pressure on me and consequently on Teal which created a vicious circle. I realized I needed more support from the team through a reliable management layer so that I could be nurturing and attentive to Teal. I saw my tendency to assume that something is wrong with her or try to fix her instead of acknowledging my responsibility for her distress. Regrets came through. I felt my lack of compassion towards her while holding her to very high personal behavioral standards that are not aligned to the extreme childhood traumas she endured. I also remember how Teal had shared with me so many words of wisdom or accurate explanation of what she and I were going through that I had completely dismissed. I saw clearly my resistance to her. I suffered in the hands of a megalomaniac guru between 20 and 23 years old. I have used my logical mind as my safeguard and I have refused to take anyone on faith since. I have a need to understand to an extreme, and assume a position that other people are wrong unless they can prove me otherwise, which is a stress on relationships. I also saw my tendency to discount and dismiss other people. From four in the morning to noon, I continued to sob and experience my irrepressible grief. During that time, neither the shaman nor any of my friends came to support me. Because I was in an altered state of consciousness, I was as incapable as an infant to express the emotional need that I needed someone to hold my hand and to be present emotionally with me in this process. I had finally realized my need to feel supported and cherished by others instead of making it on my own, which I had done all my life. This time spent alone in my own torment seemed to feel like an eternity. I knew that I needed to have someone next to me and care for me to heal my development trauma to always do it on my own. Before that time, I did not really understand Teal’s words that the only way to heal from a development trauma is to meet the need that was not met in the first place. Many times over the past year, I made the choice to go to California on business trips when Teal needed me. I chose my professional obligations over being available to her, not realizing that this would be re-traumatizing to her. I felt I was doing the right and responsible thing. During these eight excruciating hours, I had to taste my own medicine and I had to deal with grief and isolation combined. I had to undergo the same ordeal that I had inflicted on Teal a year ago. I stayed there for hours that seemed like months waiting to be liberated. While this was pure torture, I felt intuitively that this experience was brought to me so that I could feel her pain, which was one of the intentions I had set for this journey. All of my friends were done with their journey by early morning. They chatted, exchanged jokes and went for a nearby hike to a waterfall while I stayed suspended in limbo waiting, not knowing when I would be freed. Finally, around noon, the shaman came to me. I found the strength to make him understand that I need to feel his love and care as I finally got him to hold my hand. He gave me his unconditional presence but then start sharing with me some positive spiritual principles such as “there is only light and love”. This hurt me as I felt he did not see me or want to be with me in my pain. I start talking to him painfully to explain my need not to receive spiritual bypassing and I only wanted him to stay with me in my grief without trying to change or fix anything. I wanted to be loved unconditionally by him through his full presence. I wanted my deep sadness acknowledged, I wanted his empathy and compassion on how cruel the situation with my children had been. He got it. According the law of attraction, the painful reflection I am getting in my life is perfect but it is heartless and not conducive to healing when people reflect that high level abstract truth. Only a human perspective that is full of empathy, concern and compassion with all its raw emotions may bring healing. I only managed to start walking around 2 PM, about 20 hours after the start of the ceremony. The shaman brought me to walk into the river close to the property. He looked at me in the eyes and thanked me for the words I had shared with him. I really felt he brought a new understanding to support people even more deeply into their shamanic journeys. We looked at each other in the eyes and connected with profound love & respect. It is ironic that I managed to teach a Shaman a truth that I have been resisting so much to learn from Teal because my spiritual journey before her had been mostly about positive focus, spiritual bypassing, avoiding pain through filters and manipulating reality through my mind. When I came back home it felt good to be back and reconnecting with my beloved wife and to share our mutual realizations from the journey. As I was now more aware that I had been disconnected, we decided that I should open to the community and ask for their help to provide their candid feedback if they find me insensitive so that I can be more aware of some of my coping mechanism to build a sincere desire for change. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as I expected. Eric shared his frustration that he was not yet in the place to help me because of accumulated resentment because of my pattern of lack of consideration for his feelings. The next morning, when we stopped by Graciela’s house, she announced that she is done with me that she was tired of getting hurt and did not want to support our relationship anymore. Graciela’s face was marked with shock, anger and pain as she expressed her feelings. I was in disbelief not understanding how she could have built so much resentment and I could not have even noticed it. This situation became unbearable for Teal as she was now put in the position to choose between her husband and best friend. Five members of the community spent the full day confronting me on my patterns. To me this felt so unfair that everyone seemed to see that I was the only guilty one. To them, it was the only way to get through to me. While I was hopeful that the Ayahuasca would heal Teal & my relationship, the opposite seemed to be happening. All the accumulated pain built by the custody court case and my company transition and the struggles with the retreat center had put considerable stress into our relationship. Over the next following days, some difficult arguments took place that made me feel more and more powerless. At that time I did not really understand the animosity everyone held towards me. At the time, I felt I did the best I could do every step of the way, always convinced I was doing the right thing. It is amazing how we can think we are doing the best for people, when we are actually causing issues. As the popular adage says "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". Graciela had to withdraw for a couple of days from us to deal with the intensity of her emotions towards me. Graciela is a very conscious young woman who is fully committed to her personal development. Though it was clear my insensitivities and disconnection was a big part of the blow-up, she was able to acknowledge her own shadow and childhood traumas that I reflected back to her. She came to me with a pure and beautiful spirit of resolution. She had decided to come to me with an offering that will help me open my heart. Graciela is experienced working with Kambo and suggested she could help me through this modality to open my heart and let go of my protective narcissistic bubble. While my ego had resistance as I had to admit to my own flaws, I know her ability and gift as a facilitator and decided to accept her present. I especially accepted it because I was feeling again at a loss to create a beautiful relationship with Teal. It would be a series a three sessions. Because of my schedule, we spread it out over a period of weeks. The day before the first Kambo ceremony that I scheduled with Graciela, Teal was quite busy during the day and I was looking forward to reconnect with her in the evening. However, we triggered each other and our discussion went quickly downhill from there. We decided to practice silence together until we were able to express words that were conducive to resolution. Ten minutes of painful silence followed. Teal was still feeling traumatized from two events that happened to us in 2016 where I made some difficult decisions that honestly made her suffer. Despite that fact, I remained convinced that they were the right decisions to make. And Teal felt lost trust in me because she felt I was not capitalizing on her best interests. I started to explain to her the conundrum that I faced by using a simple example as the two other situations were too painful for a construction discussion. We brought a beautiful chime from Park City and Teal had hung it outside below our bedroom at Philia as it looked great there. Unfortunately, Costa Rica can have very windy nights and the chime would wake me up at night. I asked her if we could hang it somewhere else but she felt that was the best place for it. She suggested to tie it at night with a ribbon but I told her it was unnecessary as I did not want to impose on her to do this every night as I felt she has way more important things to do. This example illustrated perfectly my coping strategy. I lived all my life as if there is only two ways to deal with an unpleasant situation. You either cope by making the thing you do not like OK, or you change externally. Overtime, I managed to educate my willpower and endurance to such a degree that coping is typically my favorite option. I take the burden upon myself and do not need to create a conflict. However, I do this often at the expense of parts of myself. Also, to compensate for the fact that I can be more flexible on many small things, I developed a very strong core that is unmovable. Therefore, I would take a very strong stand and be extremely stubborn about it no matter what the consequence is to keep some form of identity. All of my life, I basically only gave myself two options. Either I cope by repressing my own needs and wants, or bulldoze my needs over others, which then forces me to cope to not care about the resentment of others. It never occurred to me before that there could be a third solution where I could consider a solution where both my needs and the other person needs would be addressed at the same time! It seemed obvious however it never occurred to me until that discussion with Teal. I suddenly realized how much damage this limited belief had done to my life and people close to me. That night, Teal actually put a ribbon around the chime and both of our needs were met easily. We practiced a role-play where we went back to the events where I imposed my needs over her, with this time the desire to consider both of us at the same time. To my surprise, this was actually possible but now it stopped building resentment and built trust instead as I actually showed genuine concern for her best interests. When a need conflict happens, the partners would need to express both of their needs and wants in a vulnerable way and start exploring out a solution together that could work for both. This may seem simple but I had never done this before. It was only either suppressing my needs or discounting the needs of others. It was always a lose-lose. Also, I realized that I used my spiritual practice all of my life to cope. I had become a master at filtering and altering reality, creating positive meaning to painful situations in order to feel better. This pattern runs in my family. My grandmother who is soon 101 year old is the happiest in her nursery home. She is surrounded by people who are dying, miserable and in pain most of the time and she only sees the positive. My father has no real relationship with his children, and a difficult marriage with heavy resentment but he maintains the story that his wife is perfect. By being in denial, and making a painful and unacceptable situation OK, we actually make change impossible. Our filters will stop making reality painful, however unfortunately we then become enablers of very dysfunctional patterns and the repressed negative emotions find their reflection in the immediate environment. If a wife copes with the abuse of her husband, she accepts it and does not then try to change an ugly reality. By coping, adapting to our circumstances and to our world, we actually make things worse instead of better as we allow the dysfunction to continue. This intense realization had come just before the first Kambo ceremony just as the frog had started working on me. I am now in front of Graciela before we start the Kambo ceremony. She asks me if I have an intention. Kambo is a hard process as the frog poison you absorb makes you vomit and purge in the most unpleasant ways. I call Kambo a mini Ayahuasca as it makes you purge in the same way but the journey lasts only one hour instead of a full night. These are medicines that are impossible to get addicted to, as the purging is so unpleasant. I really did not want to go through this experience again. I then looked at my present life and I realized the horror of my situation. The 3 people I love the most in this world are the very same people who feel the most pain towards me: my wife and my 2 children from my previous marriage. I have a wife telling me she is not happy. I had the same situation in my previous marriage. I realized in this moment that I could not have dreamt of a more perfect wife. Even in my wildest dreams, I could not have wished for someone like Teal who is so spiritual, smart, beautiful, creative and with a grand purpose. My children are also great kids: smart, gifted in so many ways and with a big heart. At that moment, I decided to dedicate my Kambo session with Graciela to Love. I was doing this to bring back the flow of Love in my life for these 3 people. In this space, I could finally let go of my fear, take a leap of faith, as I have known for a long time that a life without Love is not worth living. Graciela now asks me to drink 1.5 liters of water. This is not easy and I feel bloated by the water. She then proceeds to burn my skin with a small wooden stick on my heart chakra where she decided to apply the Kambo. While unpleasant, this pain is nothing in comparison to the emotional pain I have just contemplated. She now spread the frog poison on my burns. After less than a minute, my heart starts beating intensely. I see the fear in some of my thoughts that my heart would stop beating. I let go of the resistance. I start vomiting. It is mostly water, as I fasted in the morning. It feels awful and deeply humbling as I keep purging. Fortunately, after only a couple of minutes, I vomit a core belief from my childhood called “Personne ne n’aime” which means “no one loves me”. It is hard to explain but it feels like this French sentence was physical and I actually spit out from my body at that time. I reflect and see the truth of this statement. I do not mean to put my parents under the bus as they did what they could with what they had. My father did not have parents until he was 10 years old and my mother lost her mum when she was 3 and she does not even remember any contact with her father. Because of their own family traumas, they simply could not give me what I was longing so much for, because they never received it in the first place: love, closeness and nurturing. The belief that “no one loves me” crystallized the harsh reality of how I was feeling as a child and it stayed with me for almost the next 40 years. Core beliefs are so strong that your whole reality will actually get organized around them and create misery when it is a limited belief like this one. I stayed with the feeling, became fully present to my inner child holding this belief and validated him. I realized that even my external and worldly success was simply a coping mechanism for the fact I did not think I could be loved for who I was, and only performance could give me love. When I was six, my father gave me money as I brought back straight As from school. Therefore, I thought that if I were a good enough student, I would have love. At age 20, I passed the exam of one of the best schools of France but crashed a couple of months after the admission when I realized that this accomplishment would not give me what I was so desperately looking for without knowing: love. As a result, I joined a spiritual group, which ended up being a cult a couple of months later as I was desperately trying to find a way out of my emotional torment. I thought this spiritual group was everything I had always looked for. However, I left disillusioned 3 years later after realizing all the corruption and abuse orchestrated from the leader. I had been used and not loved. At 26, I entered a 15-year relationship & marriage, which brought two wonderful children in a course for status, success and money in the heart of the Silicon Valley. Unfortunately, when we mutually decided to part, I was ostracized by my ex wife and her parents and during the course of a year long custody battle in court, I ended up losing my children. At that moment, I saw that my marriage had been more a contract based on mutual benefits than a relationship based on real love. The minute the marriage ended, there was nothing of a connection left. No openness to continue a relationship either. In my ex wife's mind, when the contract of marriage ended, it was now war. In order for me to heal the child that believes that no one loves him, I need to give him what he truly wants: Love & Appreciation. Even at Philia, I had created a situation where team members would resent me because of my domineering attitudes that were focused on execution rather than connection. I also made it OK for people to resent me as long as they do their job. I have watched Teal do the opposite, sometimes spending up to a full day to solve a problem with a person. I thought initially it was a complete waste of time, not realizing that she was working on alignment. Once people are fully aligned they will go the extra mile, be proactive and amaze you with the quality of their work. I made a commitment at that moment that it was not OK for me to be OK with being resented anymore. I had to stop this especially that our retreat center is based on connection. I felt I understood authenticity for the first time. I cannot be authentic by coping or imposing my needs above others. Instead, I need to focus on a third alternative that can only come through when I internalize the other person’s needs. I saw the community too. I saw clearly in my medicine journey that one of our team members with responsibilities had been resentful towards me. To heal my inner child, it became apparent to me I had to stop making it OK for me to be resented. To do that, I had to stop giving people a reason to resent me as well as resolve resentment if it ever came up. I had put a lot of energy into both the move to Costa Rica and Philia. I have not done that to get people to resent me. It felt very unfair from my limited perspective. While I understood I created this situation to prove the belief “no one loves me”, I had to put a clear stop to this to start healing this destructive belief. I decided to meet with this person the same day. It did not matter anymore how long it would take to solve our difference and I made the commitment to live an environment where I am liked instead of feared. I can still be true to my own needs and their needs at the same time. I committed to do what it takes for people to like me. I have had the attitude that I do not care what people think about it as long as things get done. Ten days had passed and it was now the time for the second Kambo with Graciela. The positions of the burns are typically intuitively felt by the shaman just before the ceremony. But the night before, I had woken up Teal by talking in my sleep saying very clearly “6 points on the palindrome”. While I did not know this before, a palindrome is a word that reads the same backward and forward such as “madam”. While at breakfast, we felt intuitively that it is a message for the Kambo ceremony as “points” are another word for the burn marks used to absorb the frog medicine. Graciela did a Google and tells us that “eye” is the only body part that is a palindrome. This discovery triggered me. After I started dating Teal, I had told her I did not need to take Kambo. The main reason I did not want to do Kambo because it makes marks on the body and all my life, I have been uncomfortable with anything that alters the original nature of the body. Teal has felt hurt by me in the past when I expressed my dislike of tattoos. I felt intuitively that the palindrome meant the third eye. However I was thinking that the last thing I wanted to do in the world was to have burn marks on my forehead. Especially seeing as I had an important upcoming business meeting in the US. I started to complain, revolt and state clearly that I did not want to do it. Teal started to experience genuine sadness and she shed a couple of tears. A common theme in our arguments over the last year has been that Teal feels I care more about how I look to others than I care about how she feels. She said “How ironic” as here we were in a scenario where I was intuitively told that to have access to love, I would have to put the points on my forehead. Over the last previous days, we had a couple of arguments where I deflected my shame into her and made her feel like the one with problems while I was actually the one creating the trigger in the first place. During these times, I had chosen to defend my self-concept and look good instead of seeing the truth. I started to feel her pain, disappointment and sadness about me. At that moment, I remembered the time where I would have given everything just for the opportunity to have a date with her. I reminded myself of my commitment to remove any wall that stands between me and her, and my promise to her that as long as I can breath, I will always choose to love her. I accepted reluctantly to have Kambo administered to my forehead as I reminded myself that my relationship with her is so much more important than looking good. I started thinking about wearing a hat, or putting my hair in front of the marks to get more comfortable about the idea and to get into acceptance with this higher guidance. She re-assured me that she could make them look good. As a side note and quite ironically, since I was preparing myself to have scars, the kambo marks were gone in less than a week and there are no scars whatsoever left over. An hour later, I am laying down ready for the application of Kambo, I remind myself of my intention “I want to see” focusing on my 3rd eye chakra. Six burns are applied on my forehead. Shortly after I experience a faster heartbeat and I start to emit some tones to clear energy in my throat chakra that is between my heart and third eye. The medicine takes much more time to work on me than the previous session. It took at least ten minutes before the need to purge. Teal is in the room typing on her computer writing her next Ask Teal episode. I reach out to her in a vulnerable space to stop doing it, as I really need her undivided attention. This is ironic too as I am typically the one absorbed on my computer tuning other people out. Yet another reflection of what I do to other people. A vision starts coming through. My consciousness becomes Teal as a child on a table. I am in the process of being tortured by Doc. He shows absolutely no empathy like he is working on a robot. I experience unbearable pain. On the other side of Doc comes the spirit of Teal’s mother. She does not see Teal’s pain and pushes it back onto her not understanding why her daughter is acting so uncontrollably and wondering what is wrong with her. She gets angry with her. Back on the table, I feel like I am made to swallow my own vomit. I am in pain as I purge but I realize suddenly that I am so lucky that I am able to scream or vomit. It feels like such a good release and I receive the loving attention of both Teal and Graciela in the room. When Teal was tortured, she did not have the luxury of any form of release. Doc would put something in her mouth to prevent her from screaming. The torture experienced felt so much more horrific when there is not even a possibility to release and to witness the complete emotional disconnection from Doc. I am now transported into a different mindscape that I see is connected to a vision I had 5 years previously during a breathwork facilitated by Todd Zimmerman. At that time, five years ago, one of the women breathing in the room was reliving a rape she had experienced as a teenager. She yelled from such a profound part of her being that it started to affect me and I relived intuitively a sensation of a past life where I was a father where my father got raped and I made it worse through my own behavior. Now, under Kambo, what was an alluring feeling 5 years ago during that breathwork session appears as a very clear past life in high definition. We are back in time and I am a spiritual teacher in India with an important following. I am a scholar, I hold an impressive spiritual knowledge of the scriptures. I think I know everything, and I always have a response to any of my followers’ questions. My ego is huge and I am full of myself. I am respected and feared, and some of my domineering and inflexible attitudes create antagonism too. Through unfortunate circumstances, my only daughter gets raped by some of my enemies as they try to hurt me through her. I see myself being furious at my daughter telling her how she brought ridicule and dishonor onto our family and my reputation. I shun her and punish her. I make it all her fault. Because of my hardness, cold and cruel behavior, she commits suicide. When my followers inquiry about this tragic event, I tell them with utter certainty as someone believing his own lies, that a life had come where she would awaken so she decided to take the opportunity and exit her body. Deep down, I know I am the one responsible for the death of my only daughter because I kept spreading shame on her open wound. During that life, I never let myself consciously experience the responsibility for her death. From that point on, I went downhill and created a lot of damage among my followers. I see how my cult experience in this life was a direct consequence of this karma. I see clearly who is the reincarnation of my daughter in this life. I experience sincere regrets towards this person and I got to better understand her antagonistic behavior towards me that never seemed to make sense. I experience a desire to make it better, and can now more easily let go of her behavior that I judged as unfair. I understand that lack of empathy is the most dangerous thing of the world. If every one of us could feel each other pain, the world would be so different. Family quarrels, work oppression, crime, wars would end immediately. I decide to make a total commitment to allow myself to feel. I realize that I used the tools of self-development and spirituality to make myself comfortable and avoid pain no matter what are the circumstances and I became a “master coper” as a result. I now consciously choose to feel in full awareness even if it involves pain in order to become fully alive.
  36. 2 points
    After my last blog, I received multiple requests to write a blog to compare The Presence Process from Michael Brown and The Completion Process from Teal. I have found Michael Brown's work remarkable and complementary to Teal's and would recommend it to everyone but obviously only people that have not studied or read both works would think the processes are the same. But yesterday morning, a couple of friends directed me to read Teal’s ex-husband (Sarbdeep Swan's) new vindictive blog. It was then that I realized that it is more important to look at the person creating the distorted information rather than at the information itself. In the same way that a little bit of research on the Nithyananda cult discredits any attack coming from him and his followers, the same can be said of Sarbdeep Swan. I first met Sarbdeep in January 2014 in Park City during the Sundance Film Festival. I had a business trip in Utah for fund-raising and thought I would try to meet with Teal, this extraordinary YouTube spiritual teacher who was wise beyond her years. By chance (or turn of destiny) my invitation got accepted at the last minute. I had invited them to the Good Karma restaurant in Park City and I still remember to this day the trepidation I had waiting for her in the restaurant, feeling intuitively that this meeting would change my life. Well, as you can probably guess, this hunch has proved truer that I would have ever imagined. When Teal came in, I was light-struck by her grace, beauty and magnetism. Sarbdeep and Blake were also present. While Sarbdeep was a bit tense and quiet, he was cordial with me that evening, and it felt like we all had a good connection. We then went downtown to enjoy the Sundance madness. However Teal quickly felt tired. The crowds were draining her energy because of her extrasensory gifts. While Sarbdeep brought her back home, Blake and I ended up staying in town a bit longer. That year, I saw Teal only two more times. I took advantage of an international business trip to India and Europe to attend her London synchronization workshop in April. Our exchange there was limited to a quick friendly hug. Later that year, in November 2014, I took advantage of another business trip to Utah to visit with Teal & Sarbdeep. This time, I came with one of my colleagues and we had another pleasant evening with both of them. Teal felt comfortable enough to invite me for tea the following evening at her house. She made the remark at the time that Sarbdeep and I could not be more opposite from an energetic standpoint. I had some good conversation with Sarbdeep that evening and I felt that both of us were on friendly terms. I actually liked him at the time. He appeared grounded, smart and articulate. Later on, after Sarbdeep left Teal to fly home indefinitely to London and we started our love relationship, Teal confessed to me that Sarbdeep hated me from day one. According to her, I made him feel very insecure and she had a couple of bad fights with him just because she accepted our meetings and the occasional gift I would send. There was absolutely nothing going on between us at the time. I was simply one amongst the many acquaintances and friends that appreciate her work. Sarbdeep would be passive aggressive before and after our meetings to punish her for these brief exchanges. However, when I met with him, nothing of this sort would transpire. Sarbdeep can pose for appearance and is a master of manipulation. Hopefully you can see this from the threatening, emotionally abusive and blackmailing e-mail that he send Teal out of the blue after 9 months of not talking to her... " From: Sarbdeep Swan Sent: Friday, September 9, 2016 7:56 AM To: Teal Swan Subject: I have been informed by a number of your 'fans' that gecko (his nickname for me) has been spreading the lie that myself and his ex wife have been been sleeping together. (He did actually develop a relationship with my ex wife after he discovered that we were together and fed her information for my ex wife to use in custody court regarding my 2 children against Teal). Black Swan (his nickname for Teal), you are going to write a blog before the end of this weekend saying that he has been telling this lie and you will say that it is impossible as we live in different countries and have not ever even met. Do not refer to me by name, refer to me as your 'ex husband'. You will also be authentic and inform the public that you have used Michael Brown's book The Presence Process for your own healing and journey.......You can thank gecko for putting you in this predicament. If you do not put this blog up by sunday, informing of these two points, I will do it and I will add some other details, information and facts about you both. Expect a series of blogs uncovering your lies, half truths, manipulations, exaggerations and embellishments, all backed up with proof and evidence. The public have been begging me to continue and I'm on the cusp of going to war with you. Tell that little squirt, man-boy gecko I'm ready for a war at any time....you people don't stand a chance, and you know it. There are other things I am aware of, but I will leave these for later, depending on how you handle this. I was about to take my blog down, but these lies will now be cleared up. Myself and 'J' (His friend John, who is a professional hit man) are planning to see you in the UK at the end of the year to straighten some things out now, don't bother being discreet it will take us 15 mins to locate you, wherever you are. Take me off all your clips or email those that are not linked directly on your site. Either entirely edit my image AND my voice out or take the clips down. If you don't I will be seeking compensation and damages for using my image and my voice without my permission, and expect a very public response. I do not want to be associated with your fraudulent 'teachings' and your vulgar and trashy public image. When all is done, we will reconnect and complete any final business. You will at some point wake up to the fact that gecko is the reincarnation of Doc, the unhealed obsessive. When you get to that point, if you want to speak, the door will be open for you and for the truth of your soul. Don't bother with a response. Sunday. ps. The land and waters of costa rica call you, you should go. You will find it a transformative experience." I am relating these events so that you understand that while he is attempting to project the appearance of someone straightforward, reasonable and trustworthy, this is unfortunately all posture and a façade. You need to take the insulting information coming from him with a grain of salt. Let’s go back in time. To November 2013. Teal’s career as a spiritual teacher started growing so fast that she had accepted a request to speak overseas in Europe. This was her first international speaking engagement. Blake who was going for the first time to Europe and who was not really aware of the cost of living in London booked a hotel in one of the worst parts of town. Once they arrived, Teal was sent into a panic attack by the thought forms present in hotel (imprints of prostitutes and abuse) while already disoriented by being in a foreign land. Her deepest fears coming from her childhood were triggered. They had to find another place to stay. Later, she was introduced to her bodyguard, a handsome British man of Sikh origin and she felt attached to him instantly. By some twist of fate, he shared the same birthday as both of her two previous husbands: August 29th. This was the perfect storm. To his credit, Sarbdeep is an exemplary personal assistant and has worked with some top British politicians and the pop star Madonna. He knows exactly what to do for a celebrity to focus on their job and to not be distracted. During his relationship with Teal, he excelled at preventing triggers and dangers before they showed-up. He knew how to make her feel safe physically and was very attentive to her boundaries relative to other people. Coming from a very abusive family background, he developed the sixth sense that helped him stay alive as a kid and positively turned it into a professional career. Unfortunately, Sarbdeep was excellent at keeping Teal safe from everyone except from himself... Within two weeks, Teal brought Sarbdeep to the United States. He did not have a job at the time so both of them were free to experience their passion freely. While their infatuation for each other was real, they quickly got married for a number of reasons. One of them was that Sarbdeep was British and needed to get the paperwork to stay permanently in the US as long as his new wife was there. He felt that the personal assistant work he had been doing so far was beneath him, and he often spoke about wanting to get into politics and get into a leadership role. Teal decided to start a YouTube series called “Tea Time with Teal” in which Sarbdeep co-hosted. Many of these videos shared excellent content but they have unfortunately been removed from the web at his demand after the break-up as her threatened to sue her if they stayed up. One of their biggest struggles as a couple was around the concept of privacy and openness. In my experience, people who are obsessed about privacy are the ones that are fixated by the image they want to project onto others. If you re-read Sarbdeep's accusations towards me, you will see exactly what he in fact did and intends to do with Teal. It is a deep insecurity that is fueled by a personal sense of inadequacy, and it manifests into the desire to control all the information going to the public. With Teal leading a movement on authenticity, these two could not have been more incompatible. Sarbdeep’s suspicion and jealousy has always been intense. Two weeks into their relationship, Sarbdeep secretly got into Teal's e-mail account and saw an email exchange between Teal and one of her former boyfriends where she offered him closure and an indication of being on good terms. While the email did not indicate any form of infidelity, Sarbdeep deemed it inappropriate and withdrew from the marriage, distrusting her yet never confronting her about it until he had left the country over a year later. It was then that he began to look at her every move through the lens of 'infidelity'. He demanded that she stop wearing provocative clothing and stop smiling at other men. In astrological terms, both Teal and I have our moon in Aquarius so our love energy is naturally quite diffused which is a nightmare for insecure partners. As Teal explained in a previous blog, she is emotionally polyamorous meaning she needs to experience emotional intimacy with multiple friends but she is definitely monogamous sexually and romantically. To my surprise, she is actually more conservative than I am. She has been a serial monogamist since she escaped the cult and she has one of the healthiest attitude towards sex that I have experienced. This came to me as a surprise too considering the amount of sexual abuse she experienced as a child and teenager. The fact is that Teal is an extremely attractive woman and there are thousands of men out there in love with her. There is not a week in our life where she does not receive a deep passionate love letter from an admirer or an ex from her past or a new pretender trying to win her heart. You can understand that this type of situation would be an utter nightmare for someone who is as insecure or as jealous as Sarbdeep. Compounded with an ultra sensitivity for danger, Sarbdeep was always on alert with Teal and this pressure was too much from him. As a result, he decided he knew what was best for her and tried to build a cage to isolate her where he felt he could keep her from the world. However he was in fact trying to keep himself safe from his own insecurities. Since she was 19, Teal’s own sense of safety had been guaranteed by her small intentional community composed of long time and loyal friends such as Blake. Sarbdeep made every effort to discredit all these members to Teal so that she would leave them behind. Sarbdeep’s fantasy was to make Teal an immense success on the world stage as a spiritual teacher. To him, all of her friendships were impediments to that goal. She fought hard to preserve this boundary. She felt intuitively that if she let go of her inner circle, Sarbdeep would just switch his focus to something else that she would have to change about herself to be treated well by him. Fortunately, she held strong at the time and was able to keep both Blake and Mark in the house. Sarbdeep has been spreading the rumor that Teal had been cheating on him with me during the course of their relationship. Something most people do not know is that when Sarbdeep left, he did not tell Teal whether or not there was hope for the marriage. For three months after Sarbdeep left, he barely communicated with her and left her on a hook until he eventually said "I cannot ever commit to you". He gave no reason for this behavior at all until 9 months had passed (after Teal and I had already begun dating). He then told her the entire reason he shut down in the relationship and withdrew into his avoidant attachment style was because he could not trust Teal to be faithful. How would that be possible when he was with her every single minute of every day until their break-up when he abandoned her to retreat back to London instead of fighting to improve the relationship? I guess fidelity does not mean the same thing to one person as to the next. It sure as hell doesn't mean the same thing for the British and for the French. Where I come from, it means not sleeping with anyone while you are in a committed relationship. Teal’s videos are often inspired from her personal life and struggles. From this standpoint, you can easily see if I am in trouble by the title of her videos ;-) For example, when she released a video on attunement, it is because she was frustrated with my “bubble”. When you are married to Teal, there is no choice but to constantly work on yourself. It works with a self-improvement junkie like me but it can be very intimidating for most men as there is really nowhere to hide. The most problematic part is that she is right 99% (she would say 100%) of the time! I remember the first time, early in the relationship, when she mirrored an unconscious part of me. I was terrorized at the idea of being vulnerable with her. I was afraid she may use it against me or leave me because I was not good enough for her. I decided to let go because I could not hide from her anyway. She was actually very supportive to my surprise and it was so different from what I experienced in previous relationships. Overtime I have learned to relax, not resist and just do the work knowing she is always there for me. Resisting is pointless. As such, the last 15 months have been the most amazing journey though it is not for the faint of heart. All of my shadows are exposed one by one. As Teal's partner, if you are not quick enough to work on your shadows, they end up on the weekly AskTeal video. As you can see, this would be hellish for someone so preoccupied with privacy and appearance. However from the looks of it, Sarbdeep has now overcome his resistance around privacy as he has started a blog to denigrate and 'expose' Teal. In early 2015, Teal released a video on overcoming porn addiction (which was then reposted in October 2015 by Blake who needed to change one picture at the request of a viewer). This episode related to Sarbdeep's personal challenge. Because of the trauma originating from his childhood, he developed a suppressed hatred for women in general. His sexual fantasies revolved around objectifying women, submitting them, using them sexually then disposing of them. You can imagine the damage this would do to a woman he is in a relationship with. Some months before the relationship ended, he stopped all sexual contact with Teal saying to her "I can't be turned on by you because you've been touched by too many men, it's like no one wants to wear used clothing." Can you imagine the true character it takes to say that to a woman who has been sexually abused? If we go back to Teal’s videos around that time, you in fact have a window into their relationship. The Zebra and The Watering Hole was her personal encouragement to meet her own needs instead of dying emotionally in the desert of her relationship. If you can't tell from the way he has responded post-breakup, Sarbdeep was the most emotionally abusive man that Teal had ever had a relationship with in her adult life. Sarbdeep has one thing in mind - to either control Teal or destroy her. It is a common pattern in abusive relationships, which is what the relationship was. I, personally cannot believe that people don't immediately see that from what he is doing now publicly to try to destroy her. Also, both husbands that Teal had previous to Sarbdeep (as well as myself as her current husband), have a completely different opinion of Teal that he does. Mark for example says openly that Teal is one of his favorite people walking the planet and that she is still one of his best friends. So much of what Sarbdeep says about her is simply a flat out lie. When people 'resonate' with Blogs like Sarbdeep's that are designed to completely demolish someone's public image, they rarely consider that many people, who are equally qualified if not more qualified to speak to Teal's actual character, do not agree with what he has said about her at all. A relationship expert once said that it takes three ingredients for a successful marriage. First, people have to be in love. Secondly, they need to be compatible and thirdly, they need to have access to tools that allow them to face the inevitable challenges in the relationship. It is upsetting to me that Sarbdeep can't just be an adult and admit to that and take that knowledge about how critical compatibility and commitment are into his next relationship. Despite all the relationship struggles they experienced together, Teal never ceased to be committed. She even honored the three-month wait after he abandoned her by going back to England. I can even attest to this personally because when I, myself wrote Teal a love letter professing my love, she wrote me back telling me that she was going to give her relationship everything she could until there was no more hope. I don't know everything about Sarbdeep was but I was raised to understand that abandoning a woman for a foreign country and expecting her to stay indefinitely committed to him in his absence OR to change herself completely so that the relationship can resume on his terms... is abuse instead of love. I am a proponent in society of reciprocity in relationship. We should start all relationships with a positive demeanor and work on conflict resolution when problems emerge. However when you are faced with individuals that are clearly antagonistic and are completely lost in their own control drama and whose sole goal is to hurt people around them, one cannot simply turn the other cheek. If we had followed this advice during the Second World War, we would all be speaking German today. A lot of spiritual people are so afraid of negativity that they are ready to accept the intolerable and make it OK to avoid a fight. It is not OK for anyone to disparage my wife and my friends publicly, unfairly and untruthfully. As part of the divine masculine, we men are supposed to be protectors too and fight for what is fair and just. Among Teal's followers today, there are a lot of people who have been victims. Many of these people were often more traumatized by the fact that there was no one there to protect them after the initial assault and that their own family and friends would abandon them. How many women victims of rape have been humiliated and discredited after they went to the authorities to look for justice? This coward like attitude that is so rampant in our society is the reason why psychopaths and murderers like Doc are still free and continue to commit their heinous acts. A couple of years ago, I went to a holotropic breathwork workshop. A woman in the room was able to fully re-experience the pain of being raped as a teenager and was yelling her lungs out. This put me in a trance and I relived a past life where my daughter had been raped but instead of being supportive of her, I was instead angry at her for the shame and dishonor she was bringing to the family. Only as an old man, did I realize that the damage I had done to her was actually worse to her rapist and I was burdened at the time by guilt, pain and regret. As you know, falling in love is as much about the attraction of the dark between two individuals as it is about the attraction of the light. Me and Sarbdeep are no different there with our relationship with Teal. As Teal previously mentioned in her blog, she has a tendency to look subconsciously for a mate that mirrors the male figures that had the most impact in her childhood, basically Dad and Doc in order to bring resolution and healing. I understand that Sarbdeep has called me the “reincarnation of Doc", "The unhealed obsessive” and I am about to show you it is a complete projection of Sarbdeep himself. Sarbdeep is not psychopathic like Doc but can definitely be dangerous when consumed by rage or jealousy. Both Doc and Sarbdeep have an inflated ego and are obsessed by narcissistic control over the person they wish to control. When Teal escaped, Doc was so sure that his programs worked that he was convinced that Teal would eventually "come home” to him. In the same way, when Sarbdeep left to England in March 2015, he was convinced that Teal could not live without him and would have no choice but to leave her intentional community, comply to his opinion about what is best for her and come to him in London. During their relationship, Sarbdeep had no problem using Teal’s triggers and PTSD as “hooks” to secure her dependency on him. Hooks he used yet again in the e-mail he sent to terrify her this last week. He even grabbed her and threw her onto a bed and left her alone so he could take a shower in the middle of a dissociative seizure because he was so sick of dealing with her condition. Another member of the community personally witnessed this. When they broke up, Teal was completely devastated. She dropped to 97 pounds. But she did not submit to Sarbdeep's controlling, emotionally abusive manipulation tactics thanks to the support of Blake, Graciela and Mark. During their relationship, Sarbdeep was frequently shaming her, stating she was an embarrassment and that only he could make something out of her. He put himself in a position of power that she would be lost without him and that not one person out of her entourage was qualified to protect her. None of us that were watching her videos during this time could have even imagined what was going on behind closed doors because, like Doc, Sarbdeep is so good at posing as an esteemed and respected member of society. And because unlike Sarbdeep, after their breakup, Teal took the high road by NOT publicly exposing what he was actually doing to her. Despite the reality of what really went on in Sarbdeep and Teal's relationship, she has kept their "pact" to not go public to discredit each other. Sarbdeep had failed to honor this promise when he started to release his vindictive blogs. We have the tendency to think that we are the ones saving the day, when in fact we are actually the villain. Sarbdeep says that I am the “reincarnation of Doc". Re-read the email he sent Teal at the beginning of this blog and his blogs about Teal and you can decide who you think the reincarnation of Doc in Teal's life really is. I want to help Teal heal this aspect of trauma that is the result of not being defended by her Dad against Doc as a child. Blake, Mark and I all share this character aspect of her dad. We are the good guys that want to please everyone and as a result may lack the backbone at times to stand for her. We have the tendency to make OK what is not OK so as to avoid making waves. We can minimize a serious situation in order to not experience the discomfort related to adversity. We can be un-attuned and as a result miss all the warning signs and as a result bring our loved ones into a shark’s lagoon. We men, need to re-own our protector side and stand for our women. As Sarbdeep is now fully endorsing the authenticity movement, I am sure he will have no problem sharing with everyone that after they broke up, he demanded to receive 15% of the royalties of her upcoming book The Completion Process while he never contributed financially to the household (in fact, Teal was giving him a monthly allowance). This was an interesting request from someone that is now claiming that her book is a full plagiarism. Shortly after Teal and I started our relationship in June of 2015, he reconnected with her after months of utter silence (he knew her fear of isolation was a hook) as he had heard rumors she was in a new relationship. She was deeply bothered by her conversations with him, in which he was super abusive. I sent him an email asking to skype him so that both Teal and him could eventually develop a friendship in a similar way that she had done with Mark previously. He ignored me completely but instead sent her an email about me on July 27th, 2015: “I am genuinely concerned for you and for your work should you pursue this course of action with Ale. All the signs physical and non-physical are not in favor of this. He has no integrity and no morality, and is deceitful with EVERYONE in his life. Multiple infidelities with his wife, while at the same time telling you he loved you, in a sense he has already cheated on you. Being 'friendly' with myself and Blake and getting involved with your workshops solely to get to you. Cheating on the ones he was cheating with, lying to his company board members and management about the shares he gave you. Who is he honest with?? His company is part of the Big Pharma and Bio Technology market, and are a part of the very machinery you so despise and have dedicated your life to fighting. Nestle - Famous for the 'Breast Milk Scandal' in poor and 3rd world countries. They are privatizing all the water in the world and have famously said - 'Clean drinking water is not a human right'. The biotechnology companies, creating GMO's and vaccines. His work may not be directly involved with these but he is a part of the machinery of this system and by owning shares in his company, you are a part of this machinery to, in essence you have crossed over to the other side. He is corrupt and that is infecting you now slowly..all the money used to pay for the gifts he bought you and are probably planning your life with him is earnt from this corruption. Stuart wrote an article about these companies before he died and called them 'Satans Army' - he'd be turning in his grave. He is also working his way into your work and your company 'taking responsiblity for you in accordance with masculine tradition' as you said in a previous email is not pure - it is about control, he seeks to control and possess you. Getting in will be easy, getting out of the relationship will be difficult. He is a SOCIOPATH, just out of curiosity google the traits and see how many traits he has. He will make Fallon seem like walk in the park. When things turn with him, they will turn very bad - he has the deviousness and patience to cause some very real problems. Everyone is against this and I mean EVERYONE.” If you love what Sarbdeep has to say about Teal, then you have no commitment to the truth about Teal. You simply want validation for the negative emotion that you, yourself feel towards her already and want to be justified for feeling this way. But for anyone who is sitting on the fence about Teal, know this: I have now been with this magnificent woman called Teal longer than Sarbdeep was with her. I fully understand why he cannot get over Teal. Before Teal, I did not understand what love really meant. This woman has such capacity for love, such sensitivity and passion that she would make every love relationship after her unpalatable. There is no guarantee that I may not end up in the same misery as Sarbdeep is in, in the future. But the difference between Sarbdeep and me is that I understand how lucky and fortunate I am. And I will fight for her love as long as I can make this next breath. I understand she is this beautiful bird that needs be free and spread her large wings, and I trust God that she will want to come back to me over and over again. If I treat her right and never take her for granted. She was never interested to stay in a cage and cannot be constrained. Who is Sarbdeep trying to fool when he says “I have been hoping not to publish this blog, but I knew deep within me that I would eventually have to present it to the world.”? The zealous that spread defamation and hatred to “save the world” are the most dangerous people on the planet. Please do not join the growing ranks of radicals and fanatics that are making our world more and more unsafe. Go in peace. People who are paying any attention, see in Sarbdeep a jealous man driven by revenge and not a righteous man concerned for the victims of an imaginary perpetrator. Sarbdeep, I beg you to stop wasting your time and precious energy and start using your own gifts to make this world a better place. Teal loved you fully when she was with you, and fought with everything she had to make your relationship work. All of the people who knew you both when you were together corroborate this reality. So why do you need to drag her into your mud? You are the one that needs help so stop focusing on us and move on with your life. Teal and I have a loving relationship and we do not need you to save us, our friends or our community. We both wished instead that you could have been one of those friends. It is not ok that you vilified Graciela in your last blog. I understand that the term “personal maid” or "domestic worker" disgusts you because this is what many British snobs called you when you exercised your position as a personal assistant. From my perspective, all professions are respectable. In fact, Graciela recently resigned from her position as homemaker to focus on her true passion and gift, which is emotional caretaking. We have attracted a wonderful new woman to replace her and it feels a win-win on both sides. Are you actually experiencing pleasure denigrating and putting down others? I would like to finish this blog with a quotation from Martin Niemöller "First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me." This is why it is so critical to stand for one another in our community. Also, I am offering to remove this public blog if Sarbdeep reinstates his pact of non disparagement in the public with Teal by removing both of his slanderous blogs about Teal. Also, I will be happy to debate publicly over Skype with Sarbdeep with a neutral moderator to work out these issues one for all if he is not afraid of it.
  37. 2 points
    Blazing thoughts riding high. Lost to the nothingness within my mind. Boasting peace but inside I'm shaking, locked between laughter and internally breaking. Ghosting through lives never fully there and lost to the tides for it is only fair. Lost loves again, pasts always unfolding, brings with it a familiar foreboading. For it circles like spirals back in on itself. In hopes that I'll learn it for myself. Wanting to reach out even though i can't see, searching for a blessing out lost in the sea.
  38. 1 point
    Psychosis or spiritual awakening? Hi guys! This is something that I've been thinking about a lot during the last couple of years, and I would like to hear from anyone who's gone through similar experiences, or has any insight on this topic. I had just turned 17, when whilst visiting my step father in the Netherlands I was diagnosed with a psychosis. The doctors said it was a cannabis induced psychosis. But I didn't believe them. The way I felt during the whole thing was indescribable. I felt like things that happened around me were reflections of my attitudes towards the world and my thoughts. I felt like all the people around me were acting. I even felt like the television shows I was watching had a hidden message in them, like they were trying to teach me something important. I was highly curious about what different colours "meant". I was very interested in the colour violet in particular. I felt like people walking by were "me", or my reflections. It was all just one big sychronicity happening 24/7. I also had started a vegan lifestyle half a year before the whole thing happened, and I remember getting more interested about the spiritual side of life, although it was just curiosity at this point. I didn't know anything about how literal the concept of "mirroring" would actually be. I was also meditating during the trip for the first time in my life (consciously anyway). Long story short, I ended up in a mental hospital in Finland and stayed there for over two weeks, because I was under the age of 18 and had no control over this whole procedure. After that I got obsessed with all the spiritual information out there, and I started to realize, that this experience that they called a psychosis was actually something that is very common, even something that people look for, in the spiritual field. The way people were talking about reflections and mirroring and "oneness". That everyone in your life essentially is you. That colors are associated with different meanings. That your thoughts attract different experiences and that we tend to create and hold onto these "stories" about our lives that we then repeat to ourselves obsessively. You can imagine that at this point in my life I felt so much rage towards all the ignorance in our society. I felt like my great breakthrough was robbed from me by people who were forcing me to take antipsychotics and by telling me that I was "sick", when at the same time I was clearly stating to them that this has to be something else than a psychosis. When I met my husband for the first time, I was greeted with another sign that this can't be mental illness. Whilst experiencing this "psychosis", someone asked me how I felt right then and there. I remember having these visions about a magician, who was doing card tricks. I answered to them, that I felt like some magician had hypnotized me, and I was now revealing all my secrets to him while being hypnotized. This magician looked exactly like my husband, whom I din't know at the time. When we first met, he started performing the exact same card trick for me that I had seen in the vision. He told me he had been a magician. He also asked me, if he could try and hypnotize me at some point. He had been practicing hypnotisation, but he needed someone to practice it with. Now, I din't realize the correlation between the vision and him, until he had left, and I felt terrified about telling him about it since we had just met. But luckily I did, and after almost two years, we are still happily together. So, I got admitted to a mental hospital again last year for the same reason, but this time I went willingly, because I couldn't handle the worry and pressure my mom was projecting onto me. And this time I already knew that this definitely wasn't a psychosis. I'm not so scared about the whole thing (getting admitted to a mental hospital) anymore because I've gone through it twice. But I would love to know If anyone has any insight on how to keep yourself grounded during "a psychosis" such as this. Is there any other way to treat this, or to calm yourself down when you feel like the sychronicities are getting way too much to handle, or when you feel like you can't live your day-to-day life anymore because of all this?
  39. 1 point
    Clever, sneaking in some exercise there Anyway, I'm no expert, but I've been seeking similar answers (assuming you want to know how to find a soul mate if they are in another country, or do you just want to know where to get the best plane tickets for a trip to Mexico?). What I've found so far, which could possibly answer your question, is: love yourself first, it does not matter where he or she is, once you start aligning with yourself, you'll attract that person into your life, as the law of attraction means that we attract what we sent out, and your soulmate will be similar in frequency to yours (once you align with yourself).
  40. 1 point
    Day 80 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' Recognize Mother's Behavior Without Prosecution. I am grateful to understand the core beliefs of narcissism and how doing so motivates me to set boundaries in my life which and liberates me to only be responsible for my emotional needs. There was a point in this process where I had broken free from feeling responsible for the thoughts of everyone in the family. It felt fantastic. I actually tasted happiness even with Chronic fatigue, no job or hobby. I often wondered longingly 'Where did that go?' I'm pretty sure it was my need to please people, creating harmony in the family that pulled me back into old thought patterns I wasn't even aware of. It's an unconscious need to create peace in an unhealthy dynamic. For me thats spending time with my mother in ways that don't threaten her and make her feel better. Meanwhile I was getting sucked into heavy energy and with my raw diet, I had no comfort foods to cope. Food has always been my drug of choice next to men and the occasional shopping trip. With all three gone and winter blues setting in, it's no wonder I fell off my raw diet. I need comfort, or any form of pleasure! Each day I pushed my limits with my eating. It started with vegan gluten free lasagna, then vegan gluten free pizza, then progressed to a package of Ritz a few days in a row. Next I had my Greek restaurant love affair fulfilling some much needed connection. Ritz turned into Baklava then cookies covered in powdered sugar. My wheat addiction had totally snuck up on me and I thought I was totally in control. Last night I picked up a meat lovers pizza from Costco for the family. Even though I've been a vegan for over five months somehow the lines of reason were blurred and that pizza was in my mouth. I snuck back in the house later to have another slice, then today at 8:30pm I was delighted when it was still there. I gobbled it up in the privacy of my own apartment then made the epiphany this lack of reason is the voice of an allergy talking. Defeated, I went to confide in my mother of was struggling. No sooner had I got half way down the stairs she asked with a scowl "Did you eat the pizza? I stood there and admitted "Yes I did" then she said, "We were going to eat that for dinner." I was half expecting her to ask me if I was ok since I was eating food everyone in the house knew I was allergic too. Instead she looked at me more miffed, then went on asking me how I would feel if she went into my fridge and ate my food. She said theirs a lot missing. Four pieces! I told her I had just eaten the last of it since it was still there. "Wow God forbid I eat something out of your fridge." I said. She reiterated her point with some exaggeration making it clear she felt violated. I stood in front of her and said calmly, "You win mom. I'm guilted and shamed." and walked back up the stairs to return home. I could hear some faint remarks about my attitude and tone but I quietly shut the front door behind me and left it alone. It's lesson two in interpreting this new language. The narcissist doesn't know how to nurture themselves emotionally so they lean on the codependent to give them a sense of importance through their feelings of being superior. Meanwhile the codependent finds their worth in the opinions of others, so in my case, I became a people pleaser. In the example above I pissed off my mom by attempting to be an equal to the family refrigerator, and not the subservient child she's always seen in me. If I'm an equal, I'm taking from her authority. The subconscious message the narcissist is sending is 'How dare you need something from me.' That was triggered when I ate 'her' pizza ironically that I had bought. I ideas supporting this concept are starting to appear to me. When my sister told my mother she suspected my father of molestation when I was four, she responded to her with 'What am I supposed to do now?' 'He's the one that bathes her.' My mother felt anxiety about how this new revelation was going going to effect her. I think a person with a healthy self esteem would hug her, thank her for her courage to confide in a step mother, then move in with her family and file for divorce. Instead my sister was abandoned at a women's shelter at 17 while my mother and father left Alaska for California. When my parents divorced at 11 my father confided in me while drinking one night he took me then because my mother had told him she didn't want me. I never truly believed that could be true, but my dad has repeated it throughout the years and I think it's because it was a shock to him, and he, despite his awfulness, couldn't fathom not wanting his daughter. After that trauma of living with dad in a controlling abusive home I hoped that returning to my mother would be a reunion of compassion hugs and understanding. I see now, she didn't have this to give, as she had never received it herself. Was the reasons I was put into group homes because I was so out of control or because mom had just begun an new marriage and wanted me out of her hair? Narcissist can never see that they are wrong. They can’t take responsibility. They can’t care about your side because they are too busy caring about their side. That's the extreme, but that does show in my family. Can she really not feel empathy? Is this why she uses bark collars despite the pain in order for that being to not inconvenience her? Is that way she had her favorite dog surgically artificially inseminated because it was convenient for her to count on that pregnancy? Is this why she can skin an animal and chop off chickens heads without sympathy? I always admired her strength, but now I'm wondering if it's a disconnection in feeling. After four times I stopped suggesting the remedy the lack of Christmas present for her husband. I couldn't understand why she didn't feel bad for him, just annoyance at me noticing. It's not my intention to come across as harsh or judgmental. I'm just seeing my life through a new paradigm. I know my grandmother and she was anything but a nurturer. They say a codependent and a narcissist is born from the same environment. The difference is the codependent quickly learns how to cater to the parents needs/feelings while the narcissist doesn't have that sensitivity and is put into the category of a threat to the parent. Consequently, the child doesn't get their needs met and is always left with a sense of longing and later learns how to make themselves feel important in an attempt to bridge the gap. A few weeks ago my grandma told mom she wanted to break her knee caps. I can only imagine what she said to her, or for that matter did't say to her as a child. It killed me to see my mother cry and more so for me to put myself in her shoes. My point is the narcissist had to emotionally shut off in order to survive. They need love just as deeply as the codependent does. My mom has created many beautiful moments nurturing her dogs. Nine Pembroke Welsh Corgis look to her and their number one fulfilling her need for unconditional love and superior importance. This is how she copes with her 96 year old Narcissistic mother living above her.
  41. 1 point
    Forgiveness, forgiveness is the quickest way out of shame. Not the kind of forgiveness that allows the person you are forgiving to abuse or exploit you. They don't even need to know. But, the kind of forgiveness that allows you to let go of the anger, hate, hurt, guilt and shame you feel from where you've been shamed, abused, neglected, exploited, used and otherwise hurt. Forgive yourself, love yourself so that you can, in time let it go let it be let it die and live free. I come from a Christian tradition and so forgiveness is the key to everything! Other traditions may define it differently but I think we are all talking about the same things. First we must admit that we need help, confess our sins, admit our current powerlessness in order to access the divine universal power of consciousness. The 12 steps begin with "admit that i am powerless over my addiction." We can't get help for a problem until we admit that we have a problem! then we have to admit/believe that there is a power greater than my self that can restore me to sanity, mental health, peace, prosperity, joy! Call that power what you will, Source, universal intelligence, God, you name it, you claim it and it's yours and you are it's. Oneness with the divine! Wow! Now that you are plugged into this source of infinite power you can begin the work of letting go forgiving yourself and others and sharing these insights with all who care to listen. Be Blessed, you are a blessing. Peace! If you want to see this in action check out AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, NA, Narcotics Anonymous or, my favorite so far, CR Celebrate Recovery. Enjoy!
  42. 1 point
    Hello @MistaRender personally, I believe that Teal has opened herself up to her “spirituality”. And I think that means you open yourself up to looking at your own subconscious mind (shadow work) and you open yourself up to following your intuitions. All of that sounds really good, and I suppose it very much is really good, but unfortunately you can also hypnotize yourself into believing your own bullshit. Not all intuitions are correct (for sure a lot of mine are wrong) There seems to be a prevailing belief in spiritual circles that “the spirit provides perfect guidance”. Well, maybe that could be true once you have eliminated all your personal biases and examined every one of your preconceived notions. But personally I think: 1- Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. 2- Gut instincts are good but only if you have trained your gut and have actual knowledge in the area. You can’t know what you don’t know. If you think you know what you don’t know then you have a high chance that you are just fooling yourself. So I think Teal does have some terrific insights into many things but she does not have “divine knowledge of everything”.
  43. 1 point
    May have even started in the womb and before being born. Could have been going on for lifetimes. You can sometimes see a pattern that is either a direct copy of an event in a previous lifetime, or a strand of it you've been exploring for a few of them.
  44. 1 point
    Day 64 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I've been waiting for a burst of energy to write. Although it's still relatively early I've hit the preverbal wall named tired. I finally allowed myself to sleep this morning at 5am after spending the night fearing my hight fat induced hypoglycemic nightmares. I suppose it's a good thing if I'm this tired at a normal hour. I've got the runs from my decadent cashew sauce that allowed me to pass up lasagna and stay raw. It was so tasty I licked the blender, now I'm paying for it. Better out than in I think with my stomach grumbling ready for my third trip to the bathroom in roughly five minutes. Well, now I'm hot. Clearly my body is processing. I did follow through with what I planned yesterday about this fake cheesy goodness and turning on the tv later. The singing program I liked last year lowered their price by sixty dollars per year. Score. I'll get that again for my feeling more joy agenda. I'm going to lay down now. Happy full moon. Happy New Year.
  45. 1 point
    Hey everyone, I am moving to Portland in a few days. In a month or so we should all get together, have dinner or something.
  46. 1 point
    Hi Mark, i see you are fired up. We have talked before (usually in connection with talking to Adam). I find you to be a highly reasonable person, who is able and willing to extend the olive branch. but is there something that is bothering you that you aren’t saying? Let it out! Get it off your chest and let us (me) know what is really goIng on... Tell me more about this misery of yours that wants to be miserable... (I think what I am saying here is that I want to validate the miserable person. Not validate in the sense that they should live in their misery for the rest of their lives, but rather validate meaning say that they way they feel now is valid and I think it helps when the misery can be fully expressed, not pushed away. I believe it is NOT helpful to offer solutions too soon. It’s also not helpful to say “oh, you shouldn’t feel that way”) Back to Scenario A: -the happy person shares their happy story and the miserable person CANT empathize. The miserable person feels like “how come everyone else seems to be happy but I am not?” And feels even worse.
  47. 1 point
    @Garnet Very true. I would say dissatisfaction with anger is the biggest hurdle i've experienced in feeling repelled by it. There is very rarely a satisfactory conclusion to anger, just a conclusion. A conclusion though is often better than nothing at all I guess. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the empathy and sharing a bit of yourself :). I do see the strength in your words and the readiness to look into others. I read all this yesterday and for some reason felt resistance to posting. Perhaps because you summed it all up well and partly because my ego wants to say. I've done a lot of work on myself, for a lot of years now. I feel like posting this sort of thread is a step back almost, into codependent passivity. I also feel that's my resistance to the dynamic cleverly disguised, and a hint of narcissism. But whenever I get a new piece of information I like to try to put the piece into place. The dynamic as a whole feels heavy around my ribs, especially the upper ones, now I am back focused on it. Angry with ourselves Yes I often see that. On a few different levels. Whenever I am angry at someone, I know that person is me, I also know that I am angry because of me and them, not just them. Most importantly that part of me is the anger that I am feeling. Which shouldn't diminish the feeling itself just alter the action someone takes. Focusing on what triggers me not the anger. I see that as avoidance of the anger in some cases. But it can be the same thing, especially as anger is movement, avoidance of powerlessness. The trigger is the anger manifested. I wrote out a long list of situations that trigger me. Then read them back. They amount to being blamed, punished unfairly. Feeling powerless to change the situation at hand. And other people arguing or being picked on. These are my triggers. Triggers that are not all 'bad', that's another thing, trigger has become a negative word now for many people and is even used to insult people. I just feel cut into when I encounter them, rather than just angry, does that make sense. Like a blow to the gut. I don't know how being blamed or punished unfairly feels on someone else's body. Maybe that would be a useful exercise for the spiritual groups out there, to see how people feel about certain things on their own body, if there are similar reactions. Empathy from having codependent and narcissistic parents. We can have a lot of empathy holding both of these perspectives it is true. I've helped a lot of people over the years and was doing even before I started any kind of active self discovery. We can also come on too strong at times when answering, and conversely at times lose ourselves when trying to be compassionate. I feel our discussion here helps, even a small fraction with the overall reflection to everyone, everyone contributing a perspective helped with that. Thank you. Having a codependent AND somewhat compassionate mother who also invalidates many emotions - Sometimes I don't know when I am being compassionate or codependent, until someone tells me, I can mistake one for the other. For the narcissistic side of me, it's a bit easier to see when I am being arrogant or just angry, but even then you can only tell when the situation has gone on for a few minutes. So what is distinction (not just difference) between compassion and codependency for you. What separates them? @Mai-da | Anyone? I would guess Compassion is respecting the other persons perspective, and codependency is giving up your own to take on theirs. The separation being you remembering yourself, keeping yourself and them in mind at the same time when being compassionate. Which is where we started this conversation in the last boundary thread no? Thanks for helping tweak that part of me a bit. What is the distinction between arrogance and anger, again not just difference, what separates the two? I guess: Arrogance being all about you, but anger being about them and you? All the best to you all over the holidays. I could give you all a hug, but my ribs hurt lol.
  48. 1 point
    Yeah, you have resistance towards anger. It's normal, when raised in an environment with such discrepancy in attitudes, beliefs and behaviours. But I feel you're grown enough to not have your parents influence your decisions that much. We just incarnate them after some time, so we become both, and fortunately, beyond. But the resistance towards anger is holding you back. The fact you don't want to feel it, and feel shame about it, so you leave, or quit jobs... We are polar, it's always been that way, it's just that humanity denies/refuses that, so we find it inadequate to be versatile. If even this creates anger in you, is normal. Maybe you have stuff to integrate though and process, rather than push away, if you wrote this post... You know, Teal says it over and over again. We are fucked, because the biggest identity we have as a race, is wanting to be good. Even when you clear all shit, you will still want to be good. Teal is capable as fuck to integrate all inside her, hold it all, but that is the truth about us, integration is cure, we are polar and it's natural to feel resistance, and love, at the same time. Especially if we've been raised in a dysfunctional environment, integration is cure, these polar sides can be pretty loud. I feel you bro.. We have to go through it all. Or not, in the end, it's your choice. But it's better to let it all feel itself, be. We are the ones to embrace the shame, and help others embrace it.
  49. 1 point
  50. 1 point
    dont like the first answer because: if you only loved the second one why are worried about leaving the first one?