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    https://tealswan.com/uploads/
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    https://tealswan.com/uploads/
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    I actually get a great deal of satisfaction from my job, which I might describe as being more like a career. I feel like I make an important contribution to the world, and in return I get paid for that work. I believe that this is one of the things that really brings life meaning: learning, growing, and eventually using your talents to make a contribution to the world. With luck this could be your job or career. You might even feel like you achieve self-actualization.
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    I feel the same way and I’m stuck in this too. I can’t help you with an solution I’m sorry. Wish I could though!
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    I've also been very interested in intentional communities lately, I think it's an amazing idea. I would love to be in a community whose core principles are that of self awareness and healing. A community that does their best to take responsibility for their actions and that is willing to be as conscious as possible in order to support positive changes, healing and true well-being. A community whose mission is to help each other be free from ego and create a world based on true freedom, creativity, and joy.
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    These kind of things are VERY difficult to convey in words and often create much more confusion than clarity. No words can say what "reality" actually is, so don't take the words themselves too seriously. With that being said, here's my understanding: There is no reality separate from source, that which we call "source" IS the same thing as "reality". Absolutely anything and everything that exists, no matter how subtle, (including thoughts, emotions, and all sensations) are expressions/vibrations of source. Dimensions, as I understand it, are more or less different levels or perspectives of the sea of vibration/expression that appear to us as the universe. Source cannot be truly understood or grasped by the mind, any attempt by the mind to catch hold of it, is in and of itself a thought. Which is an expression of source, but not the complete, infinite, pure potential that source is. ALL Thought by it's very nature is a boundary or limitation- it is defined. "Source" is by its very nature completely free of any boundary or limitation whatsoever, as it is the origin of all thought/concepts (including thoughts and concepts about itself, such as "source"). Also, even if there were multiple sources, it would be impossible to know of them if they were not connected in some way, otherwise you couldn't be aware of it. The awareness of them would imply some type of connection. I love this quote: "The Dao that can be spoken is not the eternal Dao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name" -Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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    https://tealswan.com/uploads/
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    Day 277 WWSWLTD? I'm strongly considering going public in video form with my Chronic Fatigue journey. It would be 100% authentic. None of this trying to look younger, thinner, or prove that I have things figured out when I don't. It will be a way for people to connect, and like this writing, a way for me to stay accountable being proactive doing the things I know bring forth healing. I'd like to keep it lighter and motivating with useful information. I'd be documenting my trails with popular healing methods, like yoga and meditation, rebounding and different ways of detoxification. Things I've already tried, I'd do my best to tell my experience in under ten minutes. It's bold; it's very bold for me. So far putting myself out here in the Tribe has brought me the safety of little recognition along with a few amazing friends, some dealing with similar health issues. I realize this is a strong part of my vibration, and I feel it's time I stop trying to deny and sweep it away. There are many struggling more than I am in isolation unable to function only exposed to their doctor's hopeless advice. I suppose I could be entertainment whether I heal or not. I'm determined to be healthier so I can one day travel while digging up beautiful gemstones to make jewelry and have energy for passions. Do you see this as attempting to people please? What if I didn't succeed? I'd let a lot of people down. Am I prepared to air my biggest vulnerability to the world to be torn up by social media? Will this stress me out more and prevent healing? Would you watch this if it was filmed well in short episodes containing useful information and some occasional humor? What should I know?
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    Day 274. I started dating my boyfriend on June 8th and by the 17th I was off raw binging on boca burgers and tamales. It was a junk food feast of vegan flavor enhancers until I got sick. I had more energy and slept throughout the night for the first time in years. I was happy and food was fun again. After my body rejected this way via anxiety attacks, weight and lethargy I switched to eating cooked veggies and beans at night. It was healthier. He's a great cook. We could bond through food. September 1st my body decided nope, I'm no longer going to let you sleep through the night. You don't get energy to leave the house anymore, and you have just enough brain power to eat and digest half of what you watch on tv. Now I'm back to raw eating fruit and celery in the middle of the night when my blood sugar plummets waking me with a sweaty nightmare and fear that lasts until sleep resumes. If it's going to pull the same shit with beans, I might as well be on a cleansing diet. Honestly I feel like dying. I fantasize about dying. I'm tired of regressing in health. It makes hope for the future seem like an April fools joke I stopped believing in. I've researched poisons and considered what I'd be willing to do to bring about my death. I think it would be holding my boyfriends hand, looking into his beautiful eyes and pulling a trigger. He isn't willing to do that. I'm not even going to bring it up. What's even more shitty is knowing I'd reincarnate into a life of suffering in some other fashion because I was too dense to get it right this time. Somehow in my exhausted state I'm supposed to overcome parental programming and fulfill my dreams. No one is controlling me anymore. It's all on my shoulders. It's all up to me. So fuck, at least for right now, I'll hold off for fear of the next lifetime being more torturous and lonely than this one. I'm so angry I haven't healed. I'm so angry when I look at my parents knowing I am walking right into their miserable shoes starting at an even younger age. When I think about being just intelligent enough to know that someone could find a way out of my situation but I haven't, that pisses me off more. What would someone who loves themselves do? I don't fucking know. I'm so angry I could spit fire and scream in rage until I faint. Stay alive I guess. Endure another dark Alaskan winter in your moldy apartment. Gratitude journal and bypass it all away.
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    Day 272 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' I grew up in a highly controlled environment. I feel nagged over everything I do. Every decision I make where someone could see me, my inner defenses are up defending myself even when no one is there. What can I do to let this go?
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    It actually helps to see that I am not the only one in this mess. That's self-evident and it goes without saying. But I was just thinking one day that I guess I just need a little bit more time to find out what that is. It cant all be done by force just because being alive requires some amount of money. Or no amount. Depends on someone's wishes.
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    Day 264 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' I'm enjoying not riding my ass about what I think I should be eating and just savoring what I do. It's a huge break for me.
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    Day 262 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do? I'm learning about goal setting and being more optimistic about my future. I'm hoping that by chipping away at tasks a little at a time I can follow through with some less exciting things to ultimately attain meaningful achievements. I'm looking at hobbies, exercise, finding a way to make money on the go, and finally paying off the credit card debt that's been following me through my adult life so far. I'm making a plan instead of feeling defeated with myself for not having what I want. After all I didn't learn productive skills at home or in school. It's a new muscle and I'm ready to start somewhere.
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    I listen to this one often to remind myself of the power love holds, and how sharing will help make it stronger.
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    https://tealswan.com/uploads/
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    I cant cry at all? So i have just begun my process of self-healing and looking into myself and i realized that whenever i try to feel my emotions,..i can't. And occasionaly when im doing yoga hip openers, which are notorious for releasing stored emotions, i get the feeling that i want to cry, like that lump beginning to form in my throat, but i can never embody it and let myself cry. In fact i probably cry maybe barely every 4 months. Any tips?
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    Self presence really does heal. I am sharing this here with you as a reminder that loving self presence really does work for healing the inner self. The night before this i was thinking about the universe and my oneness with it. I imagined revealing myself, the one i had hidden away as invisible and "not acceptable ", as if I was sharing her like a precious jewel. "Here she is, universe. Isn't she precious? " it was like a child taking pride in a dirty, crumpled paper creation, treating it like a van Gogh masterpiece. In that moment I sent a clear message to my inner self. Love and pride and worth instead of hiding in shame. The next morning integration happened as follows. I met a child self this morning whom i haven't seen for over 2 decades. I woke up feeling the utter sense of aloneness I have lived in internally for my life. I spent time with it, exploring the shape of that feeling and the memories. It took me to immense rage, the anger that gets directed at myself and becomes depression and suicidal. Anger at my father and below anger, grief at how i wasn't allowed to exist but instead to be something different (anger came at myself for being unable to be different and thus get love). As i spent time present with that my child fragment came forward and now is partially integrated. It left me feeling upbeat and happy!
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    a lot of people here would probably relate to the lyrics of this track. they begin at the second part. btw, great music everyone