ste92k

Feeling blocked/frozen when wanting to defend myself

6 posts in this topic

Hello,

I'm feeling a bit down because I feel my boundaries and my sense of privacy have been violated. Maybe I am making this thing bigger than what it is, but I just feel sad about it and need other perspectives. Basically what happened is that my flatmate yesterday came into my room without knocking thinking that I wasn't there, but I was. It was so awkward... I can't even describe it. I felt scared and shocked and disrespected. I couldn't believe what he just did and I was thinking 'who does he think he is?!'.  So he said super embarrassed: "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you were here, you're like a ghost" and then said that he was looking for a certain plastic box. I was like frozen like I could not say much or think properly and I felt so bad afterwards towards myself because I couldn't say what I was actually thinking (ie: "what do you think you're doing in my room?!"etc.) and I still can't now.

I am a kind of shy and introverted person and I find it extremely difficult to speak up for myself. Also even if I tried to speak up you would see how embarrassed/overwhelmed I am about it that it wouldn't come out as I would like to say it. Right now I have no courage to say anything towards him, I can only go into the passive aggressive mode or avoid him. Which is hard sharing the same flat.

I was kind of friend with this guy like we had conversations and stuff, I never trusted him much though, and I always felt like something intimidate me about him.

Any perspectives on this would be helpful... thanks:)

Edited by ste92k

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when you are gone you should put a shoe next to the door and if it moved, he went into your room. if he doesn't normally go in your room then it would be weird why he's there, at least knock or text you or something. if you think he's lying about the box, then he might be. you should call him out and say what the fuck were you doing in my room? most of the time your instincts are right when you don't really like someone, or don't trust them, the brain is great and all, but it cant feel anything, so be conscious of how you feel around him and the rest is up to you.

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Hiya.

Sounds like you feel pretty violated which would be a natural response. The messenger in this experience is the emotions that it brings up. It sounds like you described some of them well. Some fear, helplessness, frustration, etc. Take time to think about what emotions came up during the experience itself, and also what emotions are arising when you think about it now. Especially the feelings that came up in relation to this statement: "I believe I do not have the courage or the ability to speak and to resolve what I am feeling"

You now have opportunity to use this experience and what it has arisen in you to grow. :)

When the negative emotions that arise in us are resolved (meaning integrated and 'released') then it is not necessary to force or struggle through a resolution to the external circumstances. Rather, when emotions are resolved, then the solution to our problem is found to be natural and spontaneous. When we are continuing to hold feelings of helplessness and frustration, then it is unlikely that we can create solutions. Instead, we will be caught in the thinking loops that the feelings create. Externally oriented solutions (for example talking to him) will be impotent until we have addressed and worked with the underlying emotions.

What you require, and what will benefit you, is courage and acceptance. Acting out of negative emotions will surely create negative circumstances. Courage and acceptance are not something that is forced, but something that is the natural byproduct of releasing stagnant emotions. The acceptance that will arise will not only be acceptance of the situation, but of him, and of who you are and how you feel. You will find that it was only natural for you to feel the way you do, and you will be proud of yourself for working with the situation, resolving feelings and handling it in a way you could not have done before. 

All you need to do is allow the feelings to arise, to be with them without wanting to change them. Stay with them and allow the gentle letting go of them, and the releasing of the underlying pressure that is driving the emotion. When we choose not to suppress, sedate and ignore our negative emotions, and instead to be with them, we feel a sense of relief and it can even be something that is fun. 

Negative feelings stay with us because we secretly believe they are useful. We sneakily find them gratifying and don't wish to let them go. You can let go of how you feel. If you feel that "I can't" then look into that feeling and you will find that it is not "I can't" but in actuality: "I won't" or "I am not willing" 

Are you willing to feel through the feeling of violation, and allow it to process and be let go?

Are you willing to feel through and let go of your personal sense of frustration in not being able to respond in the way you wanted to?

Are you willing to let go of the anger and judgement towards this person? 

Take relief in knowing that if you had responded the way you originally wanted, it would not have done much, as it would have been unlikely to address the underlying content of why these experiences occur. By addressing the emotions and being willing to feel them and let them go, that is real courage. You have made no mistakes and have not been at fault for how this occurred. 

You may have to spend some good time with these emotions. You can take time out of the day to sit with yourself and go through them, or you can do it through the day as it arises. Stick with it for a few days. Either way, at any rate, if you choose to feel through and let go instead of hold on to the feelings, then you will find the answers to your situation. Clarity comes through naturally and right on time as the process unfolds. After you have been with the emotions for enough time and there is less accumulated pressure, then you can feel within for what to do. You may choose to let it go and take no action, and you may be very content and happy with the inner shift that you feel. Or, you may find there is a reserve of courage where there was not before, and that an inner voice tells you it is appropriate to speak up. You may find it easier to phrase what you wish to say. Perhaps you stutter and stumble over your words and only get half of it right - still, you will know for yourself there has been a real change and there will be joy at courage you didn't have before. 

Questions such as "Should I change anything in my living circumstances now?" or "How should I act around him?" will all also naturally resolve upon release of the emotions that created them. I recommend you take time alone to process. Be patient, tell yourself it will be ok regardless of outcome, and that this will be an interesting experiment in how decisions, behavior and experiences might shift if you focus on inside (feeling, letting go) instead of outside. 

:loldog:

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Catch him in the act again.

1.. Tell him "I'm going out for groceries! I'll be back in an hour."

2. And then hide in your closet or under your bed. 

3. Also record the aftermath for us.

 

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Thanks all for your answers

@boxofrain Thank you so much for your complete answer. Yes, that's what I was hoping it was possible to do: to work inside, not on the outside to resolve this, staying present with the feelings that came up from that situation. I tried to do the completion process, even though I'm not sure I'm doing it right. I basically picked a feeling and stayed with it and then asked when was the first time i felt this way and healed the memories. Although I didn't feel much difference, that's why I think I might not be doing it completely right.. maybe I didn't cover all the feelings. I feel some resistance in doing this process because I'm not completely clear on how I have to do it and if I am making up the memories or not. When i asked myself when was the first time I experienced this nothing really big came up.. but I feel this should be a big thing because I learned form my childhood to freeze when someone violates my boundaries. And how do you stay present with your emotions?

@YOD that's funny, thank you for your contribution.

@walt Interesting that he has poor boundaries too. But then if he came into my room I do too? What do you mean by "The more empathetic you can be to his plight the less energy you need to give to an outcome or resolution."?

Edited by ste92k
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Yea he invaded your space, a bedroom is kind of like an unspoken boundary. He broke that unspoken boundary. Your intuition is right. He is BS-ing. He wasn't looking for a GOT-DAMN box... He just wanted to go through your stuff. 

You could talk to him and tell him that It's not okay that he went in to your room. And you feel angry and /or upset about that day.

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