Tessa Rae

Need someone to talk to

8 posts in this topic

I thought I was doing okay, but a few days ago, I experienced something that I can't 'un-experience'...

Suddenly, I became painfully aware that I am not doing what I want to be doing, AT ALL.

I'm really freaked out too, because I'm actually not happy in my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel guilty for essentially using up resources and not having much to give back. And for essentially 'leading him on' when I have already begun to detach emotionally. 

I was living with my bf Miles in IN, while my family is at CO. I lived in IN for 3 months, in that time his roommate and ex decided he hates my guts and proceeded to try and use everything in his power to ruin my life (I think he might be on the antisocial/narcissist/psycho/sociopath spectrum). Let's call him Grumpy.

After living there a few months, I made it back to Colorado. My dad became incredibly abusive and told me to kill myself, because "If you killed yourself it'd be the first thing you accomplished in your life". THANKS DAD! I almost did!

I survived the experience, but not without self harming a bunch and seeing some eczema I had previously healed flaring up again on the left side of my face.

Then, as if this wasn't enough, Grumpy started bullying the LIVING SHIT out of me. I was kicking myself because I felt like I should block his number intuitively a few weeks before, but wasn't sure how to do it so I never got around to it. He knew I was really struggling but he didn't care. He was just like my dad, wanting to hurt me for some reason.

This also, was not survived without emotional scars, though they were emotional the eczema made it physical; a big gash on the left side of my face.

I've been doing many of Teal's processes, and they have definitely helped with my overall emotional resilience. But the processes aren't giving me the money I need to have actual freedom. It's a feeling that has been underneath it all...

So that brings me to here, where I moved back to IN and am living with my boyfriend, when I had this experience, a realization, a feeling of being out of place that was so deafening that I couldn't ignore it.

My trust was broken. My boyfriend didn't do anything to stand up for me when his friend was being a HUGE bully to me. I think my boyfriend actually has no idea what he wants. I feel ashamed for ever trusting him because he let me down, BIG TIME.

He eventually stood up for me but I (feel ashamed to admit this) had to ask him to stand up for me. :( Like what, it's that hard to tell your friend who's a dick to you and everyone else to not call your girlfriend a c*nt for no reason?!

And now I'm realizing that his idea of 'bonding' is playing video games and watching TV, and drinking, which I actually hate doing. Don't get me wrong, I like it sometimes but all the time? It's numbing. I don't like it.

Lately, he chose drinking over going to bed. And he hasn't been honest about it. He just hid the fact that he was doing that from me.

I'm afraid. Because I know I have had some good experiences but they haven't been as strong as these traumatic experiences in my life lately...

I want to go live on this yoga farm as a WWOOFer, but I don't have money to do so... I'm also afraid that I will be too fucked up of a person to belong there.

The ways I have been considering of making money are, to be real, not very wholesome. I want to make more than minimum wage and am desperate at this point. I'm considering being a stripper or a webcam girl, even though I don't really want to be doing that. It would be nice to get large amounts of money quickly so I can just move, and do so quickly

I also have listened to the universe and me being sexualized is a recurring theme in my life. I figure, I'd rather get paid for people to talk about me so lewdly than just get traumatized and struggle to get by in a low paying job.

I don't feel like I'm cut out to work a minimum wage job... I'm extremely sensitive and the last job I had I was sexually harassed by 2 employees, and verbally threatened by another coworker, which ended in me having a mental breakdown and crying for like an hour straight. I hate the idea of ruining people's lives so I didn't disclose any further information about what happened as far as the sexual harassment goes. This is probably to my disadvantage but I just figure, why relive the event over and over again when I can just GET the F*CK AWAY from bad situations...

Worst of all, it's like, there is something really fucked with me if I'm attracting all these into my life. (but then Teal came out with the F*ck the Law of Attraction video and that helped... it's still hard for me to learn though)

I don't know. I need to talk to someone :( I feel extra rejected because I called a therapist and they haven't gotten back to me. It's like, what the actual hell am I doing with my life, honestly?

Lol someone was saying I have notoriously long posts that are worse than Yamanu... so... I'm really sorry. I have a lot on my plate... it just doesn't slow down, this life...

I don't know if it's worth trying to make it work with my boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years and we've broken up once before. I peer into the future and it's like I see this end might just be inevitable. And maybe, hitting financial rock bottom will be necessary for me too...

The core issues though that I'm dealing with are my ability to trust, and being a vibrational match to money (because all the people who have been meanest to me have had money, it makes me naturally resistant to wealth).

I should just suck it up and talk to him, but I also don't see the point.... It's not going to change the past and it's not going to change who he is. I think I want him to be different, than he is... and that's not right. It's not fait to either of us.

Thanks for listening; hopefully I'll find a therapist soon so I don't have to be baring my soul on internet forums... I need solutions.

I will post if I talk to him about it.

 

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Hi Tessa Rae,

I didn't really know what to post, because honestly when you have major problems, hearing someone say, just be positive, sucks majorly and then they tell you to do the obvious. But I have been through a lot of problems in my lifetime and this has helped. Try and get into an allowing state = Positive focus (Gratitude and Appreciation)+ Taking inspired action. This will make positive manifestation easier. Visualize the life you want, and from an allowing state, figure out what is the next best move to make (it could be, make a coffee, we don't know lol) and don't forget, in our polarized universe, a problem can not exist without a solution. There is always a way out :)

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Dear Tessa Rae,

3 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

there is something really fucked with me if I'm attracting all these into my life.

Attracting awful things into ones life is way more a reflection of  the amount of self hate one has been taught to feel towards oneself, than there being something inherently wrong with you.  If one sees events in ones life as a reflection of ones inner state  (e.g. if people are critical of you, ask yourself: do you have a voice in your head that criticises yourself?) then traumatic experiences are a sign that one has a lot of unresolved trauma.  

I don't know if that helps.

Either way, I wish you well (as one 'f.cked up'- life situation manifestor to another. And ezcema manifestor. And 'long post'ee  to another ;) ).

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8 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

My dad became incredibly abusive and told me to kill myself, because "If you killed yourself it'd be the first thing you accomplished in your life". THANKS DAD! I almost did!

Woah... got to love conditional love....

Yeah I don't think it will work out for you and your boyfriend, like you said he drinks and you don't like to do that all the time and he said nothing when his friend was bullying you. 

As for the whole being sexualized thing, most girls are sexualized because of society and porn and they connect girl to sex, not as a person, it's just I want to have sex with that and that, with nothing there. Blame society for that one. I have 13 girls in my family all ages lol so yeah once you know a girl as a person they're pretty cool.

You can do twitch, you play video games and people pay you to see you play a game. 

I hope everything goes well.

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On Thursday, August 04, 2016 at 2:30 PM, Tessa Rae said:

I thought I was doing okay, but a few days ago, I experienced something that I can't 'un-experience'...

Suddenly, I became painfully aware that I am not doing what I want to be doing, AT ALL.

I'm really freaked out too, because I'm actually not happy in my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel guilty for essentially using up resources and not having much to give back. And for essentially 'leading him on' when I have already begun to detach emotionally. 

I was living with my bf Miles in IN, while my family is at CO. I lived in IN for 3 months, in that time his roommate and ex decided he hates my guts and proceeded to try and use everything in his power to ruin my life (I think he might be on the antisocial/narcissist/psycho/sociopath spectrum). Let's call him Grumpy.

After living there a few months, I made it back to Colorado. My dad became incredibly abusive and told me to kill myself, because "If you killed yourself it'd be the first thing you accomplished in your life". THANKS DAD! I almost did!

I survived the experience, but not without self harming a bunch and seeing some eczema I had previously healed flaring up again on the left side of my face.

Then, as if this wasn't enough, Grumpy started bullying the LIVING SHIT out of me. I was kicking myself because I felt like I should block his number intuitively a few weeks before, but wasn't sure how to do it so I never got around to it. He knew I was really struggling but he didn't care. He was just like my dad, wanting to hurt me for some reason.

This also, was not survived without emotional scars, though they were emotional the eczema made it physical; a big gash on the left side of my face.

I've been doing many of Teal's processes, and they have definitely helped with my overall emotional resilience. But the processes aren't giving me the money I need to have actual freedom. It's a feeling that has been underneath it all...

So that brings me to here, where I moved back to IN and am living with my boyfriend, when I had this experience, a realization, a feeling of being out of place that was so deafening that I couldn't ignore it.

My trust was broken. My boyfriend didn't do anything to stand up for me when his friend was being a HUGE bully to me. I think my boyfriend actually has no idea what he wants. I feel ashamed for ever trusting him because he let me down, BIG TIME.

He eventually stood up for me but I (feel ashamed to admit this) had to ask him to stand up for me. :( Like what, it's that hard to tell your friend who's a dick to you and everyone else to not call your girlfriend a c*nt for no reason?!

And now I'm realizing that his idea of 'bonding' is playing video games and watching TV, and drinking, which I actually hate doing. Don't get me wrong, I like it sometimes but all the time? It's numbing. I don't like it.

Lately, he chose drinking over going to bed. And he hasn't been honest about it. He just hid the fact that he was doing that from me.

I'm afraid. Because I know I have had some good experiences but they haven't been as strong as these traumatic experiences in my life lately...

I want to go live on this yoga farm as a WWOOFer, but I don't have money to do so... I'm also afraid that I will be too fucked up of a person to belong there.

The ways I have been considering of making money are, to be real, not very wholesome. I want to make more than minimum wage and am desperate at this point. I'm considering being a stripper or a webcam girl, even though I don't really want to be doing that. It would be nice to get large amounts of money quickly so I can just move, and do so quickly

I also have listened to the universe and me being sexualized is a recurring theme in my life. I figure, I'd rather get paid for people to talk about me so lewdly than just get traumatized and struggle to get by in a low paying job.

I don't feel like I'm cut out to work a minimum wage job... I'm extremely sensitive and the last job I had I was sexually harassed by 2 employees, and verbally threatened by another coworker, which ended in me having a mental breakdown and crying for like an hour straight. I hate the idea of ruining people's lives so I didn't disclose any further information about what happened as far as the sexual harassment goes. This is probably to my disadvantage but I just figure, why relive the event over and over again when I can just GET the F*CK AWAY from bad situations...

Worst of all, it's like, there is something really fucked with me if I'm attracting all these into my life. (but then Teal came out with the F*ck the Law of Attraction video and that helped... it's still hard for me to learn though)

I don't know. I need to talk to someone :( I feel extra rejected because I called a therapist and they haven't gotten back to me. It's like, what the actual hell am I doing with my life, honestly?

Lol someone was saying I have notoriously long posts that are worse than Yamanu... so... I'm really sorry. I have a lot on my plate... it just doesn't slow down, this life...

I don't know if it's worth trying to make it work with my boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years and we've broken up once before. I peer into the future and it's like I see this end might just be inevitable. And maybe, hitting financial rock bottom will be necessary for me too...

The core issues though that I'm dealing with are my ability to trust, and being a vibrational match to money (because all the people who have been meanest to me have had money, it makes me naturally resistant to wealth).

I should just suck it up and talk to him, but I also don't see the point.... It's not going to change the past and it's not going to change who he is. I think I want him to be different, than he is... and that's not right. It's not fait to either of us.

Thanks for listening; hopefully I'll find a therapist soon so I don't have to be baring my soul on internet forums... I need solutions.

I will post if I talk to him about it.

 

You can chat me up whenever is clever, but I'll warn you -----> I've been accused of being a flirt. Perhaps you can get into a sales position to make some quick money, that way you can still use your feminine charms without having to get all nakey. ;)

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On ‎04‎/‎08‎/‎2016 at 10:30 PM, Tessa Rae said:

I thought I was doing okay, but a few days ago, I experienced something that I can't 'un-experience'...

Suddenly, I became painfully aware that I am not doing what I want to be doing, AT ALL.

I'm really freaked out too, because I'm actually not happy in my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel guilty for essentially using up resources and not having much to give back. And for essentially 'leading him on' when I have already begun to detach emotionally. 

I was living with my bf Miles in IN, while my family is at CO. I lived in IN for 3 months, in that time his roommate and ex decided he hates my guts and proceeded to try and use everything in his power to ruin my life (I think he might be on the antisocial/narcissist/psycho/sociopath spectrum). Let's call him Grumpy.

After living there a few months, I made it back to Colorado. My dad became incredibly abusive and told me to kill myself, because "If you killed yourself it'd be the first thing you accomplished in your life". THANKS DAD! I almost did!

I survived the experience, but not without self harming a bunch and seeing some eczema I had previously healed flaring up again on the left side of my face.

Then, as if this wasn't enough, Grumpy started bullying the LIVING SHIT out of me. I was kicking myself because I felt like I should block his number intuitively a few weeks before, but wasn't sure how to do it so I never got around to it. He knew I was really struggling but he didn't care. He was just like my dad, wanting to hurt me for some reason.

This also, was not survived without emotional scars, though they were emotional the eczema made it physical; a big gash on the left side of my face.

I've been doing many of Teal's processes, and they have definitely helped with my overall emotional resilience. But the processes aren't giving me the money I need to have actual freedom. It's a feeling that has been underneath it all...

So that brings me to here, where I moved back to IN and am living with my boyfriend, when I had this experience, a realization, a feeling of being out of place that was so deafening that I couldn't ignore it.

My trust was broken. My boyfriend didn't do anything to stand up for me when his friend was being a HUGE bully to me. I think my boyfriend actually has no idea what he wants. I feel ashamed for ever trusting him because he let me down, BIG TIME.

He eventually stood up for me but I (feel ashamed to admit this) had to ask him to stand up for me. :( Like what, it's that hard to tell your friend who's a dick to you and everyone else to not call your girlfriend a c*nt for no reason?!

And now I'm realizing that his idea of 'bonding' is playing video games and watching TV, and drinking, which I actually hate doing. Don't get me wrong, I like it sometimes but all the time? It's numbing. I don't like it.

Lately, he chose drinking over going to bed. And he hasn't been honest about it. He just hid the fact that he was doing that from me.

I'm afraid. Because I know I have had some good experiences but they haven't been as strong as these traumatic experiences in my life lately...

I want to go live on this yoga farm as a WWOOFer, but I don't have money to do so... I'm also afraid that I will be too fucked up of a person to belong there.

The ways I have been considering of making money are, to be real, not very wholesome. I want to make more than minimum wage and am desperate at this point. I'm considering being a stripper or a webcam girl, even though I don't really want to be doing that. It would be nice to get large amounts of money quickly so I can just move, and do so quickly

I also have listened to the universe and me being sexualized is a recurring theme in my life. I figure, I'd rather get paid for people to talk about me so lewdly than just get traumatized and struggle to get by in a low paying job.

I don't feel like I'm cut out to work a minimum wage job... I'm extremely sensitive and the last job I had I was sexually harassed by 2 employees, and verbally threatened by another coworker, which ended in me having a mental breakdown and crying for like an hour straight. I hate the idea of ruining people's lives so I didn't disclose any further information about what happened as far as the sexual harassment goes. This is probably to my disadvantage but I just figure, why relive the event over and over again when I can just GET the F*CK AWAY from bad situations...

Worst of all, it's like, there is something really fucked with me if I'm attracting all these into my life. (but then Teal came out with the F*ck the Law of Attraction video and that helped... it's still hard for me to learn though)

I don't know. I need to talk to someone :( I feel extra rejected because I called a therapist and they haven't gotten back to me. It's like, what the actual hell am I doing with my life, honestly?

Lol someone was saying I have notoriously long posts that are worse than Yamanu... so... I'm really sorry. I have a lot on my plate... it just doesn't slow down, this life...

I don't know if it's worth trying to make it work with my boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years and we've broken up once before. I peer into the future and it's like I see this end might just be inevitable. And maybe, hitting financial rock bottom will be necessary for me too...

The core issues though that I'm dealing with are my ability to trust, and being a vibrational match to money (because all the people who have been meanest to me have had money, it makes me naturally resistant to wealth).

I should just suck it up and talk to him, but I also don't see the point.... It's not going to change the past and it's not going to change who he is. I think I want him to be different, than he is... and that's not right. It's not fait to either of us.

Thanks for listening; hopefully I'll find a therapist soon so I don't have to be baring my soul on internet forums... I need solutions.

I will post if I talk to him about it.

 

I know for a fact that your going to get through this and look back at this situation and say, oh fuck yeah now I get it hahah, but at this point I know its completely hard to say that but what I'm saying to you is that U WILL get through this because we are all here to help you in anyway we can, the universe can, your guides, your higher self, even Teal herself and her practitioners and like you said I'm sure you will find the perfect therapist to help you as well. Stay loving to yourself no matter what, even if you think you have nothing in your life, if you manage to find a way and love yourself and hold yourself (emotions) well then guess what? you've just done something the majority of the human race cant, so in my book , your fuckin awesome ;)

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I was a stripper for 10 years.  The money's not always as great as people make it out to be, but you can survive on it pretty well.  There's a lot of freedom in it, you pretty much work when you want and since there are lots of clubs to work at, you don't have to put up with disrespect.  If you don't like one club you just go to the next.  

Some clubs there is no touching at all and some there is a lot, so if you want to make money and just dance with no contact or doing anything extra, you can.  Honestly I was treated much worse at some "real jobs" than I ever was at the strip clubs.  When I worked in retail, I was treated like garbage by management and customers.  It was much worse than stripping.  

Just don't do it for 10 years like I did, I wish I would have gone back to school while I was stripping, instead of waiting so long.  I don't regret it though.

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