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Ascension

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I am on the path to enlightenment and its been a struggle

Me being on the path to ascension and moving diligently toward that goal...

I'm a self loving boastful person who loves a challenge but will HELP anyone even people who insult me..

Now I believe you REAP what you SOW

So I'll just dish out what I get

Is that ok for someone whose on the path to ascension?

Edited by Yamanu

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how about trying out a new approach? instead of seeking enlightenment (are you sure you want that for its own sake, or is it a way to feel better about yourself and give others a reason to stop bugging you?), how about asking directly in your daily interactions to be cared for, and handled gently?
i mean... i can see how much pain you must have been gone through, that must have been awful, i can relate as i was bullied as a child and teenager too and i totally understand how you may have urges of revenge... but anyway you deserve to be treated kindly, just try for one day asking directly for it and see what happens. if it doesnt work, you can always try something else, like choose another environment or i dont know, be creative. staying in an environment where you get mentally and physically attacked, is self abuse, anyone would get the urge to fight back or have revenge... find ways to go somewhere else where you get a sense of being in a kinder place, is my advice.

Edited by Lilia
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1 minute ago, Lilia said:

how about trying out a new approach? instead of seeking enlightenment (are you sure you want that for its own sake, or is it a way to feel better about yourself and give others a reason to stop bugging you?), how about asking directly in your daily interactions to be cared for, and handled gently?

I'm sorry...

What?????

The question was whether or not its ok to give people what they deserve when they insult me....

People insulting me makes me want to eat them alive...

I only hold it back because I know in reality they can't handle a demon...

Online or in physical reality...

People don't know true terror yet they insult each other and me...

I want to know if some people deserve this destruction I'm holding back...

Or if this is a test to see if I'll annihilate them or not 

I apologize for my speech...

I'm just ready to let my demon loose,and show these lame people what real horror is

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2 minutes ago, Yamanu said:

The question was whether or not its ok to give people what they deserve when they insult me....

People insulting me makes me want to eat them alive...

I only hold it back because I know in reality they can't handle a demon...

Online or in physical reality...

People don't know true terror yet they insult each other and me...

I want to know if some people deserve this destruction I'm holding back...

Or if this is a test to see if I'll annihilate them or not 

I apologize for my speech...

I'm just ready to let my demon loose,and show these lame people what real horror is

try it, what ever feels best to you, but if you decide to act upon these urges, make sure you are aligned with that choice with all your being. its not my place to hold you back or fuel your rage, its your choice. if nothing else has worked, maybe having this need for revenge or however i should call that, is the way of something in you to make the change in your life that would lead to a breakthrough. just be aware of the fact that every action in the physical has consequences, if not in other ways, at least those enforced by some law-institutions. if you  find ways to annihilate them and be ok with the consequences that has on all levels of being for you, who am i to stop you.

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2 minutes ago, Lilia said:

so... tell me about that true terror you obviously know and others seemingly dont, im interested

I really made this post so I wouldn't think all that dark shit...

I really want to shine my light and not let the darkness out...

I can't control that shit it doesn't discriminate I hate it I hurt everybody

I want to stay as light and understanding...

I don't want to forget how to understand people and lose myself to the darkness

I want to see people as valuable and not just like dirt

 

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ok, so you choose that you want to shine your light. awesome aspiration :)

now... tell me, how does that light in you present itself when you focus your awareness on it? how is its relation to that darkness, i would like to know how you perceive that

Edited by Lilia

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24 minutes ago, Lilia said:

try it, what ever feels best to you, but if you decide to act upon these urges, make sure you are aligned with that choice with all your being. its not my place to hold you back or fuel your rage, its your choice. if nothing else has worked, maybe having this need for revenge or however i should call that, is the way of something in you to make the change in your life that would lead to a breakthrough. just be aware of the fact that every action in the physical has consequences, if not in other ways, at least those enforced by some law-institutions. if you  find ways to annihilate them and be ok with the consequences that has on all levels of being for you, who am i to stop you.

If I didn't know better I'd swear its some entity speaking through people saying its ok to do these things...

Why can't I find the light why why why!!!

Am I born to be evil?

I thought I was here to balance the bad with good...

Why am I here...

If I do nothing then the evil will win anyway because humans are evil and don't want to be anything more

The evil doesn't need my help so why...

Why does it call out to me?

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4 minutes ago, Lilia said:

ok, so you choose that you want to shine your light. awesome aspiration :)

now... tell me, how does that light in you present itself when you focus your awareness on it? how is its relation to that darkness, i would like to know how you perceive that

They are equal...

I don't focus on them I stay neutral and just help people when I can

I meditate ALOT to control my dark urges and I show kindness and respect to people so I can get it back to feed my light soul...

But I never get it back..

No matter how much I pray and meditate I never receive light from the outside world...

But Thoth taught me to always look towards the light so I keep looking...

It fades away but I keep looking...

I want to be light I want to be love and I want to respect people 

I believe I can but when will I ever reach the light 

 

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maybe what you judge as evil wants your unconditional presence? to have your light of awareness cast on it so it may be turned to the light?

i didnt say its ok to do those things, but whatever is being done to you might also not be ok and these urges could be something in you that wants to rid you of that unkindness you witness or experience.

i believe, noone is born to be evil. its all choice, i dont even think evil exists, all "evil" (and i experienced a LOT that could be called that) i encountered were coping strategies to cope with hurt and project it so it wouldnt be felt. some coping strategies will spread the hurt though and some will anchor more harmonious vibrations and lead to more awareness, therein lies the choice.

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12 minutes ago, Lilia said:

maybe what you judge as evil wants your unconditional presence? to have your light of awareness cast on it so it may be turned to the light?

i didnt say its ok to do those things, but whatever is being done to you might also not be ok and these urges could be something in you that wants to rid you of that unkindness you witness or experience.

i believe, noone is born to be evil. its all choice, i dont even think evil exists, all "evil" (and i experienced a LOT that could be called that) i encountered were coping strategies to cope with hurt and project it so it wouldnt be felt. some coping strategies will spread the hurt though and some will anchor more harmonious vibrations and lead to more awareness, therein lies the choice.

Thank you...I needed someone to say things for me to read that wouldn't stir the darkness within me...

Everyone was dumping their bs on me because they don't love themselves...

I can absorb a lot of negative energy but if I don't absorb any positive then..

I can become really chaotic and unpredictable..

It helps to have someone objective around whose energy I can absorb 

I don't know if you'll get it but I literally absorb peoples energy and become it so I NEED balance or to be alone

I need to practice not responding to these people

Its just really hard for me to ignore people because I give everyone a chance

 

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34 minutes ago, Yamanu said:

But Thoth taught me to always look towards the light so I keep looking...

It fades away but I keep looking...

I want to be light I want to be love and I want to respect people 

I believe I can but when will I ever reach the light 

and from before:

I want to stay as light and understanding...

 

YOU have so much of that light in you (for you to stay that, it means you are that), and Thoth teaches to look towards the light... does this tell you something? there is no point in staring at the shadows outside in hope of them turning bright by themselves, but when you know where a source of light is there is a point in focusing on that. the only thing a shadow or abyss will do if you stare long enough, it will stare back and ask for you to lighten it up.

4 minutes ago, Yamanu said:

Thank you...I needed someone to say things for me to read that wouldn't stir the darkness within me...

Everyone was dumping their bs on me because they don't love themselves...

I can absorb a lot of negative energy but if I don't absorb any positive then..

I can become really chaotic and unpredictable..

It helps to have someone objective around whose energy I can absorb 

I don't know if you'll get it but I literally absorb peoples energy and become it so I NEED balance or to be alone

I need to practice not responding to these people

Its just really hard for me to ignore people because I give everyone a chance

so would you say now, that a nice next step would be to discern more exactly, when to take off your focus off something/someone so you can maintain your balance?

i think (for me in my life what i have experienced to be right for me) that the moment i detect that someones vibration is detrimental to me (i.e. is not a frequency i want to entrain with) and i sense that i could become imbalanced it is a reminder that the chance has been used up and i either tell them politely so or just turn around and go (i empath a lot and am not yet that skilled in maintaining my balance around people so i tend to stay alone much too)

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13 minutes ago, Lilia said:

YOU have so much of that light in you (for you to stay that, it means you are that), and Thoth teaches to look towards the light... does this tell you something? there is no point in staring at the shadows outside in hope of them turning bright by themselves, but when you know where a source of light is there is a point in focusing on that. the only thing a shadow or abyss will do if you stare long enough, it will stare back and ask for you to lighten it up.

so would you say now, that a nice next step would be to discern more exactly, when to take off your focus off something/someone so you can maintain your balance?

i think (for me in my life what i have experienced to be right for me) that the moment i detect that someones vibration is detrimental to me (i.e. is not a frequency i want to entrain with) and i sense that i could become imbalanced it is a reminder that the chance has been used up and i either tell them politely so or just turn around and go (i empath a lot and am not yet that skilled in maintaining my balance around people so i tend to stay alone much too)

Yea I don't like to become like that...

Normally it doesn't happen but that time I absorbed too much negative energy without outletting it through working out or something else...

That also happens when I stop meditating too long I instantly become hostile to everything around me whether I like it or not

I never understood this as a child if I'd known meditation was the key back then I'd have done it then too and maybe I wouldn't have hurt all those people

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11 minutes ago, Yamanu said:

Yea I don't like to become like that...

Normally it doesn't happen but that time I absorbed too much negative energy without outletting it through working out or something else...

That also happens when I stop meditating too long I instantly become hostile to everything around me whether I like it or not

I never understood this as a child if I'd known meditation was the key back then I'd have done it then too and maybe I wouldn't have hurt all those people

so meditation and working out works well for you? great :) yeah meditation it is for me too. meditation and creating art :)

and... please dont beat yourself up on what you did, it is past, now you are moving towards what you want and if it wasnt for these experiences, you maybe wouldnt have discovered that. anyway maybe having been hurt by you was exactly what they asked for, be it by treating you less lovingly than you deserved or by you giving them the opportunity to grow too from that...

Edited by Lilia

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15 minutes ago, Lilia said:

so meditation and working out works well for you? great :) yeah meditation it is for me too. meditation and creating art :)

and... please dont beat yourself up on what you did, it is past, now you are moving towards what you want and if it wasnt for these experiences, you maybe wouldnt have discovered that. anyway maybe having been hurt by you was exactly what they asked for, be it by treating you less lovingly than you deserved or by you giving them the opportunity to grow too from that...

Yea meditation is absolutely necessary if I want to remain in control of myself...

After I exploded for the first time the next day I was meditating like a Buddhist monk and its been that way ever since...

When I stop for too long what just happened happens...

If had been longer that episode would've lasted longer ..

Way longer 

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