Tamara Reid

Should I leave this relationship?

4 posts in this topic

My boyfriend and I have only known each other for a little over a year. We have been dating for 6 months & he told me that he does not love me & that love takes time for him. He said he would not be in this relationship if he didn't think it would go somewhere but I'm losing my mind here. He says he never wants me to leave & that he would never tell me but he would have a panic attack if I left. on the other hand he says he does not love me & he wants to be absolutely sure this time before saying that to someone... He makes me feel like just another one. Then he tells me not to worry & that the relationship is solid. I'm so confused, he had a 6 year relationship end a year and a half ago and he wants to be sure before he says I love you this time. I love myself, I'm not looking for validation, I don't know why this feels like rejection & why I have fear. I also don't know if it's appropriate to stay with someone who says love takes time & he doesn't think we're "there yet." Any thoughts?

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Sounds like he has a fear of abandonment. Connection is what he desperately wants, but he is honest he feels scared. Connection means abandonment for him,it'll only end up in abandonment. It's understandable why he'd say those. 

And it's understandable for you to feel so bad about this too. It's not safe for you to put yourself in a relationship where the person doesn't want to willingly love you. 

I'd say talk to him about what you both really want, so that there is a bit more safetiess in the relationship. Talk about what you both can offer to each other. Have a serious talk about boundaries... " Is it OK for me to call you when I'm having an issue? Is it okay if I want to withdraw when we're having a conflict and then get to the resolution, or should we talk about it and get to the resolution immediately? Do you even genuienly want to preserve your connection with me when we're having issues? Are you commuted to the relationship? What do you want out of this? "

This conversation should be as honest, and as Vulnerable as it can possibly be. You want to discuss REAL things. It's obvious that both of you care about being hurt, and both of you care for a good relationship. So before you start, have a serious conversation about your intentions.

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It sounds like he does love you, definitely with @Elif on this one, fear of abandonment all the way. I wouldn't go crazy I interpret what he saying as "I love you but it's gonna take time for me to verbally express that feeling I have." I'd stay with him, he sounds like he values you a lot.

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15 hours ago, Tamara Reid said:

My boyfriend and I have only known each other for a little over a year. We have been dating for 6 months & he told me that he does not love me & that love takes time for him. He said he would not be in this relationship if he didn't think it would go somewhere but I'm losing my mind here. He says he never wants me to leave & that he would never tell me but he would have a panic attack if I left. on the other hand he says he does not love me & he wants to be absolutely sure this time before saying that to someone... He makes me feel like just another one. Then he tells me not to worry & that the relationship is solid. I'm so confused, he had a 6 year relationship end a year and a half ago and he wants to be sure before he says I love you this time. I love myself, I'm not looking for validation, I don't know why this feels like rejection & why I have fear. I also don't know if it's appropriate to stay with someone who says love takes time & he doesn't think we're "there yet." Any thoughts?

Hi there, just know there is no right or wrong answer. Staying in the relationship may feel appropriate to one person, but inappropriate to another. I'm sure your boyfriend does love you, the question is whether or not you are getting what you want and need out of the relationship. Is hearing "I love you" on that list?

Regarding the feelings of rejection and fear, is rejection something you have experienced before with boyfriends, friends, family? What do you fear around the thought of your boyfriend not saying "I love you"?

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