Tessa Rae

It's happening again... :(

13 posts in this topic

Hey all...

I'm in the middle of recovering from some things... I've gotten myself into this situation somehow... and I'm not sure how i'm going to move forward.

My father is abusive towards me and has been for most of my life, aside from when I was a kid.

It got so bad to the point that he was telling me to kill myself when I was self harming. I was self harming because he was telling me i was worthless, and it was unprovoked... He corners me to torture me and bully me verbally.. after it got that bad I decided enough was enough and stood up for myself.

i don't know.. im sorry its hard for me to really concentrate. ive been doing like way worse again today.. like been dissociating and i burnt some food...

I have moments, of piercing clarity and confidence..

but today i just feel completely powerless and the suicidal thoughts come up again...

my dad uses money to try and control me.. he's taking away my car insurance, he didn't renew my license plate on purpose, so I will stay here... but I'm not going to. I'm really risking a lot by leaving.

I worry that he will try and kill me sometimes, though I haven't told my family this as they would think i'm crazy. I don't think it's that crazy though, he hates me. He wants to ruin my life,  and is actively trying to do so.

ive been living in fantasy.. i just want to go back to how things were before he stopped paying for my car insurance.. because at least I could leave, then...

i thought i was doing okay but it just got really bad yesterday... i havent gotten much sleep, how the hell am i supposed to sleep when my real home is 1000 miles away and i'm stranded here, and we need to move out by the end of the month?

Anyways... its at times like this where he's trying to ruin my life where I really need encouragement. Stockholm is kicking in hardcore. Am I doing the right thing by standing up for myself? Or am I actually hurting myself more long term? Anyone have advice for dealing with stockholm type feelings?

I am worried but I'm going to have to trust that I will be protected as I take the 2-day car ride out there.

I need prayers and guidance to help me feel strong again.

I posted this in shadow work, because it's a dark topic and didn't feel it fit anywhere else on this forum.

I'll really appreciate any help I can get. <3

 

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You need to do what you have to do to feel safe. I went through a similar situation with the Stockholm thing with my parents, I left but it was super hard. I'm much better for it though. A big part of the decision was that I knew I had a safe place to go and that I could make it, you need to ensure the same is true for you. Ultimately you shouldn't be controlled in a way that is abusive, you deserve better. 

If you plan to go secretly, fighting a lot may make him vigilant and aggressive. When I made my break, I lured my parents into a sense of false security and they never saw my leaving coming. Every time I felt those Stockholm feelings coming up I reminded myself of how bad my parents really made me feel and that the security of staying with them was not worth the pain I would have to endure for that sense of security.

Hope this helps, you're in a tough spot but you can make it :) 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

Hey all...

I'm in the middle of recovering from some things... I've gotten myself into this situation somehow... and I'm not sure how i'm going to move forward.

My father is abusive towards me and has been for most of my life, aside from when I was a kid.

It got so bad to the point that he was telling me to kill myself when I was self harming. I was self harming because he was telling me i was worthless, and it was unprovoked... He corners me to torture me and bully me verbally.. after it got that bad I decided enough was enough and stood up for myself.

i don't know.. im sorry its hard for me to really concentrate. ive been doing like way worse again today.. like been dissociating and i burnt some food...

I have moments, of piercing clarity and confidence..

but today i just feel completely powerless and the suicidal thoughts come up again...

my dad uses money to try and control me.. he's taking away my car insurance, he didn't renew my license plate on purpose, so I will stay here... but I'm not going to. I'm really risking a lot by leaving.

I worry that he will try and kill me sometimes, though I haven't told my family this as they would think i'm crazy. I don't think it's that crazy though, he hates me. He wants to ruin my life,  and is actively trying to do so.

ive been living in fantasy.. i just want to go back to how things were before he stopped paying for my car insurance.. because at least I could leave, then...

i thought i was doing okay but it just got really bad yesterday... i havent gotten much sleep, how the hell am i supposed to sleep when my real home is 1000 miles away and i'm stranded here, and we need to move out by the end of the month?

Anyways... its at times like this where he's trying to ruin my life where I really need encouragement. Stockholm is kicking in hardcore. Am I doing the right thing by standing up for myself? Or am I actually hurting myself more long term? Anyone have advice for dealing with stockholm type feelings?

I am worried but I'm going to have to trust that I will be protected as I take the 2-day car ride out there.

I need prayers and guidance to help me feel strong again.

I posted this in shadow work, because it's a dark topic and didn't feel it fit anywhere else on this forum.

I'll really appreciate any help I can get. <3

 

@Tessa Rae Tessa, I will pray that you will find the guidance, courage and strength to get through this.

Teal teaches us that if we embrace what we fear, you will no longer be a match to that negative vibration, thus the universe will match you

with a vibration that is opposite of the fear or what ever negative feelings you are currently living with.  You should find strength and

embrace the unknown. I know that it sounds cray-cray, however it has worked for me for the past two weeks. This is what I do, I take

a moderately deep breath through my nose and when I slowly release the air back out through my nose (slowly) I try to imagine the anxiety

feeling leaving my body with the air. I'm not saying that you should try this but I firmly believe in the Law of

Attraction which also ties us to other dimensions where thoughts manifest the moment they are thought. We truly have this ability but don't

know it because we were taught at a very young age that our imagination is not reality when it can be in fact. View/read everything Teal

says about 'The law of Attraction' and 'Polarity', I mean if you want to. I will send you possessive energy through my own thoughts. I have

anxiety issues and for once in my life I am learning how to control my anxiety with out meds, thanks to Teals helpful knowledge. 

I'm sorry if this was not what you were looking for. I just have empathy for you because I HATE drama and I wanted to share what works for me (pot helps as well) ;-)

Please try to think possessive and I don't mean the cliche. I mean think the way Teal teaches us to. I know that things will turn out for the

better and not the bitter. Everything always works out. If you ever needed a friend to talk to, let me know and I will give you my cell number.

 

Edited by Micah
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14 hours ago, Micah said:

@Tessa Rae Tessa, I will pray that you will find the guidance, courage and strength to get through this.

Teal teaches us that if we embrace what we fear, you will no longer be a match to that negative vibration, thus the universe will match you

with a vibration that is opposite of the fear or what ever negative feelings you are currently living with.  You should find strength and

embrace the unknown. I know that it sounds cray-cray, however it has worked for me for the past two weeks. This is what I do, I take

a moderately deep breath through my nose and when I slowly release the air back out through my nose (slowly) I try to imagine the anxiety

feeling leaving my body with the air. I'm not saying that you should try this but I firmly believe in the Law of

Attraction which also ties us to other dimensions where thoughts manifest the moment they are thought. We truly have this ability but don't

know it because we were taught at a very young age that our imagination is not reality when it can be in fact. View/read everything Teal

says about 'The law of Attraction' and 'Polarity', I mean if you want to. I will send you possessive energy through my own thoughts. I have

anxiety issues and for once in my life I am learning how to control my anxiety with out meds, thanks to Teals helpful knowledge. 

I'm sorry if this was not what you were looking for. I just have empathy for you because I HATE drama and I wanted to share what works for me (pot helps as well) ;-)

Please try to think possessive and I don't mean the cliche. I mean think the way Teal teaches us to. I know that things will turn out for the

better and not the bitter. Everything always works out. If you ever needed a friend to talk to, let me know and I will give you my cell number.

 

Thanks, @Micah. Yeah, I get that... I'm very spiritual, and have watched much of Teal's videos. I want to have faith that it will work out, and I do, but then the logical side of me is like "Is it foolish to be risking so much in the name of what I believe?" I don't even know what I'm going to do if I get pulled over, my license plate is expired... My dad finally renewed it but I'm going to be leaving without the stickers.

I did experience a shift within myself upon accepting that everything that I am afraid of, has already happened... So that realization alone, has helped me lose resistance to the fear. In fact, our fears always come from our experience, from things that have already happened.

Sometimes I feel like I am so pie in the sky, that I really struggle with the real life application of what I believe. I want to believe that I am doing good by leaving the abuse, but then I can't pay for my own insurance and I'm honestly really struggling to be independent... I feel like I'm still getting traumatized with my parents giving me all this pressure to give in and succumb to the matrix... To get a job and try and function in the society that is doomed.

Cause yeah, I don't believe the economy is getting any better... I just want to go WWOOFing and learn how to farm... I have no desire to depend on money for food. To make a little money on the side, i was thinking of being a webcam girl, but i don't really like the idea of being a stripper at the same time because, I am an artist first and want to start youtube, and that would be embarrassing if someone connected the dots. That would also be weird if the people on the farm i'd be working at would figure out.

Of course, I haven't told my parents that I'm giving up on society, because that would scare the hell out of them.

Yesterday, I watched this video and this girl was talking about how basically nobody likes their job, so then when you find someone who refuses to give in to the system, many people feel bitter towards them and in the case of my dad and this guy I met a few months ago, start actively attacking/trying to ruin their lives.

I feel like the main character in 1984... trying to break out of this construct, but it's increasingly more difficult to leave...

Maybe I'll have to be homeless to get to the place that I want to reach...

I'm just not sure. Thanks, all your thoughts are going to help... I am kinda counting on not getting pulled over. Then I will hopefully be able to move everything and live on the eco-farm that I have my heart set on living on...

ps- you meant think positive right? ;)

Edited by Tessa Rae

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I've known a lot of people who were in your situation and I have also been there multiple times myself. By "situation" I mean this one of desperation to just get out of somewhere specific but also great fear at everything not working out.

I'm not really an optimistic person but from what I've seen... it almost always works out. Really, almost always. The relief that comes after leaving a situation is refreshing and things just have a way of working out when you're riding that wave of relief and, yes, sometimes even panic and anxiety. As long as you know what you want and stick to it, you'll get it. It's just about inevitable.

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2 minutes ago, Kroge said:

I've known a lot of people who were in your situation and I have also been there multiple times myself. By "situation" I mean this one of desperation to just get out of somewhere specific but also great fear at everything not working out.

I'm not really an optimistic person but from what I've seen... it almost always works out. Really, almost always. The relief that comes after leaving a situation is refreshing and things just have a way of working out when you're riding that wave of relief and, yes, sometimes even panic and anxiety. As long as you know what you want and stick to it, you'll get it. It's just about inevitable.

god... thnaks Kroge. I needed to hear this.

I will learn to trust... This is going to be the biggest test of faith I have ever taken in my whole life...

<3

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2 minutes ago, Tessa Rae said:

 

All that stuff you mentioned are legitimate concerns and you can't necessarily stop them from happening. All you can work with is what you do if they do happen. Personally I've found the best approach in those situations is to just focus and be kind of stupidly brazen about what you need.  For example; if you are stopped by the police, what can you do? Just tell them how it is. Maybe they won't care. But that's not for you to decide, not really. All you can do is be brazen about it, and hope things work out.

That's all I can say has gotten me through hard situations with maximum luck. If I'm not plain about the things I want and need, to myself and others, then I'm sending mixed messages all over the place and on a basic social level I'm probably not going to get the things I need in such a confused and contradictory state.

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Just now, Kroge said:

All that stuff you mentioned are legitimate concerns and you can't necessarily stop them from happening. All you can work with is what you do if they do happen. Personally I've found the best approach in those situations is to just focus and be kind of stupidly brazen about what you need.  For example; if you are stopped by the police, what can you do? Just tell them how it is. Maybe they won't care. But that's not for you to decide, not really. All you can do is be brazen about it, and hope things work out.

That's all I can say has gotten me through hard situations with maximum luck. If I'm not plain about the things I want and need, to myself and others, then I'm sending mixed messages all over the place and on a basic social level I'm probably not going to get the things I need in such a confused and contradictory state.

Hmmm. Okay.

I've heard that there's a lot of police members who are satanists (like the bad kind who does really fucked up things) so I don't really want to open up to them. But I will explain the situation how I need to move out at the end of the month and the stickers wouldn't arrive in time...

<3

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I can't know what the best thing to do in any given situation, I'm just offering a guideline. If you think about it, what else can you hypothetically do in such a situation except simply be honest (keeping in mind police encounter dishonesty 24/7) ? There may be other variables in any given situation, but that's down to how it's happening in the moment. Basically the overall point I'm making is that these things can and do happen, but if we respond to them at least somewhat authentically (however you choose to do that), then I find it increases the chances of things working out in a more simple way. Most lies are unnecessary and just complicate things, even when they seem to fix things in the moment. EDIT: I'm not actually saying "open up all the time no matter what", although it almost looks that way. I just mean you can focus on how authentic you want to be in any given moment, and that will have a significant impact on the result. HOW you are authentic and how much is up to your own intelligence in any given moment. EDIT: And people respond very powerfully to authenticity... and perceived authenticity...

Edited by Kroge

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15 hours ago, authorofdarkness said:

You need to do what you have to do to feel safe. I went through a similar situation with the Stockholm thing with my parents, I left but it was super hard. I'm much better for it though. A big part of the decision was that I knew I had a safe place to go and that I could make it, you need to ensure the same is true for you. Ultimately you shouldn't be controlled in a way that is abusive, you deserve better. 

If you plan to go secretly, fighting a lot may make him vigilant and aggressive. When I made my break, I lured my parents into a sense of false security and they never saw my leaving coming. Every time I felt those Stockholm feelings coming up I reminded myself of how bad my parents really made me feel and that the security of staying with them was not worth the pain I would have to endure for that sense of security.

Hope this helps, you're in a tough spot but you can make it :) 

 

 

Ugh. I just hate being fake. I have been pretty loud about leaving. I haven't told my dad that I never want to talk to him again, (learned that lesson ages ago) I just keep being like "ok" when he's like "let me know when you need to talk"

My mom is alright and she's been pretty supportive but I want to break free in order to not be an oppressive force in her life, because she doesn't make as much as my dad and he's purposely putting this all on her.

MY DAD IS EVIL.

I want him dead so bad... he almost died a few weeks ago, the same night he told me to kill myself. Unfortunately, he's still alive, and didn't have any sort of eye opening experiences when that happened...

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4 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

Thanks, @Micah. Yeah, I get that... I'm very spiritual, and have watched much of Teal's videos. I want to have faith that it will work out, and I do, but then the logical side of me is like "Is it foolish to be risking so much in the name of what I believe?" I don't even know what I'm going to do if I get pulled over, my license plate is expired... My dad finally renewed it but I'm going to be leaving without the stickers.

I did experience a shift within myself upon accepting that everything that I am afraid of, has already happened... So that realization alone, has helped me lose resistance to the fear. In fact, our fears always come from our experience, from things that have already happened.

Sometimes I feel like I am so pie in the sky, that I really struggle with the real life application of what I believe. I want to believe that I am doing good by leaving the abuse, but then I can't pay for my own insurance and I'm honestly really struggling to be independent... I feel like I'm still getting traumatized with my parents giving me all this pressure to give in and succumb to the matrix... To get a job and try and function in the society that is doomed.

Cause yeah, I don't believe the economy is getting any better... I just want to go WWOOFing and learn how to farm... I have no desire to depend on money for food. To make a little money on the side, i was thinking of being a webcam girl, but i don't really like the idea of being a stripper at the same time because, I am an artist first and want to start youtube, and that would be embarrassing if someone connected the dots. That would also be weird if the people on the farm i'd be working at would figure out.

Of course, I haven't told my parents that I'm giving up on society, because that would scare the hell out of them.

Yesterday, I watched this video and this girl was talking about how basically nobody likes their job, so then when you find someone who refuses to give in to the system, many people feel bitter towards them and in the case of my dad and this guy I met a few months ago, start actively attacking/trying to ruin their lives.

I feel like the main character in 1984... trying to break out of this construct, but it's increasingly more difficult to leave...

Maybe I'll have to be homeless to get to the place that I want to reach...

I'm just not sure. Thanks, all your thoughts are going to help... I am kinda counting on not getting pulled over. Then I will hopefully be able to move everything and live on the eco-farm that I have my heart set on living on...

ps- you meant think positive right? ;)

Yes, that is what I meant haha  :-/

Please don't be a webcam girl, for one thing, I stopped watching porn and I'd have to miss out on that. Sorry my attempt at humor. haha 

On a serious note: The farm thing sounds like a great idea. And don't worry about getting pulled over because It won't happen, please believe me on this. You are going to be fine. I'll continue to keep your challenges at hand in my higher thoughts.

Edited by Micah
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4 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

Ugh. I just hate being fake. I have been pretty loud about leaving. I haven't told my dad that I never want to talk to him again, (learned that lesson ages ago) I just keep being like "ok" when he's like "let me know when you need to talk"

My mom is alright and she's been pretty supportive but I want to break free in order to not be an oppressive force in her life, because she doesn't make as much as my dad and he's purposely putting this all on her.

MY DAD IS EVIL.

I want him dead so bad... he almost died a few weeks ago, the same night he told me to kill myself. Unfortunately, he's still alive, and didn't have any sort of eye opening experiences when that happened...

My suggestion is to leave and DO NOT come back for a year or 2. Sounds like they need to be reminded how precious their Daughter is. Seems they have forgotten. If you are ever on the East Coast or near the Golf of Mexico, assuming that you live in the states, I have vacant rooms in my house where I live in Pensacola, Fl. Please understand that I'm being sincere with empathy.

It's important for you to get out of all that animosity so that you can focus on your spirituality and continue to raise your vibration. This is not helping you to continue the develop or enhancement of your spiritual growth. I wish that there was like a place surrounded by nature for people that are spiritual and don't want anything to do with the materialistic world. Like a self sustained community with it's soul purpose of facilitating people on the same journey we are.

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@Tessa Rae Don't worry Tessa, this will all be over soon and we can be free from our bodies and free from the Earth.

 

I thought this was fitting for you after seeing it just now.

 “You’re overthinking… stop being so calculating. Scared to make the wrong move, or hold back on what you really want to say. Begin to flow… accept what comes, and let go of what wants to go. When a connection is meant and the love is real, you cannot even get in the way.”~Awakened Vibrations 

Edited by Micah
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