Kroge

Non-stop Dysphoria

6 posts in this topic

This isn't so much a "what should I do" post as it is a "what the fuck is going on" post.

Quite simply, I have felt non-stop intense dysphoria since as long as I can remember. My childhood wasn't great but nothing terrible either. A few obvious cliché's but again, nothing truly terrible.

I have tried so much and dedicated most of my days to fixing myself and trying to fit in to the world somehow. I have thrown myself into weird situations. I have challenged myself and stretched my limits. I have given 130% every day and I have so little to show for it... except dysphoria. The one true constant.

No matter where I go, what I do, what I think, what I feel, who I'm with, what drug I'm on, what self-help technique I'm using... it's always the same. Dysphoria everlasting. I have never felt fully comfortable. Not really. I've sometimes tricked myself into thinking I felt normal, comfortable, at-ease, etc. but it was never really the case. My dysphoria is reflected in the people around me. I have never had a single relationship in any degree that I felt comfortable with. People feel uncomfortable around me and I don't blame them. I often do things, challenges I guess, things that I think/hope might make me feel differently. Nothing really does.

Throughout the years and all these efforts I have become smarter and stronger than I imagined possible. I can see things most people can't. Links, patterns, systems, insights, it's second-nature for me (maybe a bit too second-nature). My intuition is pretty good. I can separate real vs fake fairly well. I can see through systems that most people just can't. Lies or anything under-the-surface is plainly evident to me. None of these "positive" things matter though. They haven't shifted the dysphoria. I've learned to become more accepting and less fearful of the world and people around me, through education and experience. Still, dysphoria. Comfortable or uncomfortable, dysphoria. I've learned to accept that many of my most intense questions about myself will never be answered and that I should just work with what I have in front of me. Dysphoria. Eat healthy, exercise, dysphoria. Look good, dysphoria. Be nice, be liked, be supported, dysphoria. Be careful, dysphoria, Be hedonistic, more dysphoria. Listen to my inner voice, dysphoria. Just do whatever, dysphoria. Follow guidance from others, dysphoria. Meditate, dysphoria. Astral project, dysphoria. Make friends, dysphoria.  Change your beliefs, dysphoria. Everything dysphoria.

I'm quite sensitive and always felt very weak and ill-prepared to be here, so much of my life has been dedicated towards becoming tougher. And I have succeeded in becoming tougher in some regards. Still more dysphoria. I haven't succeeded in all the ways I would want, and I probably never could. There are so many things about other "normal" humans I just can't grasp, and so I can't copy it. That sucks. So I could try just being myself to the fullest extent possible. Doesn't really work, and still more dysphoria.

People don't believe me when I say I've tried so many things and that many of the things they recommend just don't seem to work for me. People think I'm being arrogant when I say I can see right through most things, that I can learn things much faster than other people, that I can extract wisdom from a much shorter time-frame than other people. I give off the impression like it's all beneath me and I'm not impressed by anything. The truth is that it's not because I feel everything is beneath me, but everything just feels so wrong... but I'd still like to fit in and enjoy things if I can. I cannot fit in in even the most basic ways. I somehow wish the world around me was "better" because then it wouldn't make feel so dysphoric, even though I know the problem can only be with me. At this point I don't even care what the problem is. People are going to reply and offer suggestions as to how to find out, how to overcome it, etc. It's not really going to be anything I haven't tried before. I'm even afraid that after all this trouble the reason is something trivial like "you weren't validated or supported enough as a child" - which is true. But for the love of god, there must be more to it. I couldn't believe that all this icky disgusting wrong-ness in my life is just because of some runaway belief. I couldn't believe that this daily struggle is all just because I need to "be intimate" ("get laid" - a common suggestion). Fair enough, it's not inaccurate, but it doesn't explain why I don't like anything. My whole life has just been consumed by this quest to "get better" and feel OK, and quite simply I have nothing left after that. No likes, no passions, no interests, no wants (that can actually be fulfilled)... just wrongness. Dysphoria. Non-stop dysphoria. Though "Why?" is all I can think all day every day, it is worse than a useless sentiment and always has been. The happiest people I can observe are the ones for which "why?" is a luxury that they can pick up every now and then, like a good book. And I feel no shame for the fact that my contempt for other people is only growing.

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teal talked about this in one of her workshops, she said the people feeling this are feeling what will come, the shit will hit the fan. its in the Prague synchronization workshop part 3, she gets into it at 26:00, enjoy.

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One piece of advice that Teal might recommend is to just accept your dysphoric state instead of trying to change it or fight against it. By accept, I don't mean succumb to it, but be content with it. It is a part of you. I can relate to you in some way because I looked for multiple things to make me feel better but nothing ever really worked. Then I began to realize something I had heard before: you have to find happiness (or whatever you're looking for) within yourself, and you can do this by accepting yourself, even the feelings, thoughts, and everything else that you don't want. I know it's a little cheesy, so the message may not come off as effectively. But this would definitely be a different approach to your dysphoria that could help. I hope everything works out well for you 

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1 hour ago, Kikipocodot said:

One piece of advice that Teal might recommend is to just accept your dysphoric state instead of trying to change it or fight against it. By accept, I don't mean succumb to it, but be content with it. It is a part of you. I can relate to you in some way because I looked for multiple things to make me feel better but nothing ever really worked. Then I began to realize something I had heard before: you have to find happiness (or whatever you're looking for) within yourself, and you can do this by accepting yourself, even the feelings, thoughts, and everything else that you don't want. I know it's a little cheesy, so the message may not come off as effectively. But this would definitely be a different approach to your dysphoria that could help. I hope everything works out well for you 

I have already tried this, but I will continue trying it since this process is how I've shifted a great deal of other states.

The problem may be that, from the point of view of just Teal's methods, I need to do what makes me happiest. Simple enough. Except the one thing that would make me happy is to be an entirely different person with an entirely different brain, body and mind. And my whole life has been dedicated towards becoming a different person. And it hasn't worked. To say it has been exhausting is an understatement. The strange thing is I have always believed by default that any change is possible and that anyone can access unlimited possibilities present inside their own neurology. I know this for a fact. Yet when I apply it to myself it falls flat.

12 minutes ago, walt said:

Sounds like trauma to me. A ball of wounded feelings is difficult to navigate. Normal is not for you but exceptional is always a possibility.

Very well could be and probably is trauma. The only thing I fail to see is how and why. My childhood was bad but it wasn't THAT bad, unless I've blocked out something. I do remember always being clinically depressed though, which is the only thing that really stands out (most people say depression for them had a clear beginning; mine didn't). I've seen other people with similar or worse issues turning out at least fine. So what the hell is my problem? I have no way to figure that out, and not for lack of trying.

I'm sick of "exceptional". What I crave most of all is to just fit in... at least a little. That, to me, is truly special. But that was never going to happen. And now that I've lived like this for so long, I doubt it could ever happen. The good kind of "special" isn't really an option either. I'm pretty sharp but hardly a genius. I'm pretty perceptive but hardly psychic. If I could sum myself up it would be "half-baked". Almost something but mostly nothing.

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37 minutes ago, Kroge said:

I have already tried this, but I will continue trying it since this process is how I've shifted a great deal of other states.

The problem may be that, from the point of view of just Teal's methods, I need to do what makes me happiest. Simple enough. Except the one thing that would make me happy is to be an entirely different person with an entirely different brain, body and mind. And my whole life has been dedicated towards becoming a different person. And it hasn't worked. To say it has been exhausting is an understatement. The strange thing is I have always believed by default that any change is possible and that anyone can access unlimited possibilities present inside their own neurology. I know this for a fact. Yet when I apply it to myself it falls flat.

Very well could be and probably is trauma. The only thing I fail to see is how and why. My childhood was bad but it wasn't THAT bad, unless I've blocked out something. I do remember always being clinically depressed though, which is the only thing that really stands out (most people say depression for them had a clear beginning; mine didn't). I've seen other people with similar or worse issues turning out at least fine. So what the hell is my problem? I have no way to figure that out, and not for lack of trying.

I'm sick of "exceptional". What I crave most of all is to just fit in... at least a little. That, to me, is truly special. But that was never going to happen. And now that I've lived like this for so long, I doubt it could ever happen. The good kind of "special" isn't really an option either. I'm pretty sharp but hardly a genius. I'm pretty perceptive but hardly psychic. If I could sum myself up it would be "half-baked". Almost something but mostly nothing.

It seems like you lack confidence. You say you're half baked, or really, not good enough. You want to change all of you because you probably don't think you are good enough.

I guess I've done the same as you because I've always wanted to change myself in multiple aspects because I wanted to be desirable to other people. And then sometimes I get really caught up in my head and I want to make myself feel content with where I am because if I don't, I won't be happy. But then I remember I can't force the process. Then there's more denial, worry, etc. Like why does it have to be so hard to just be happy? I think it's unbeneficial when we set a goal hoping or expecting to get satisfaction from it because for some reason it just doesn't work. Doing all this stuff doesn't make you feel good enough because you're not dealing with the source of this belief/feeling. It might be good to think back to your past and figure out what might have caused this. Like Teal said, this feeling is valid (there is a legitimate reason for it) but it doesn't mean it's true. I think if you spend time with this, you could possibly move towards knowing that you are good enough, not because of what you do, but because you're a human being with actual value. 

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