twisted love

what make somebody a whole perosn?

6 posts in this topic

when i lived with my parents...they made me feel empty. they sorta erased my entire identity in a way...they treated every aspect of me the way many people would treat  my sexual orientation. u no how gay people....of are ashamed of their sexual orientation so thy hide and try to erase it....yea my parents did that with every aspct of my being(u no like hobbies, interests, any opinion ) until i felt empty.......  so i've been so fixated on the eptiness for years now, i haven't felt like a whole perosn for a long time....and i've been obssed with feeling whole agian. so i'm always focused on what elemsnts of my life/idneity are misssing.

how do i accept that there is no standard for a whole perosn, and that i am whole right now.....

and ALSO...how do i stop focuing on what is missing/lacking, stop trying to fill the emptiness...and start focusing on what could make me happy insted?/just start living

Edited by twisted love

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

<3

A very important question to be asking. First of all, good job for taking a step in the right direction by seeking to understand. And for acknowledging that the way things have been won't work if continued.

I think we all struggle with this, some do more than others. My dad was like this to me when I started developing my own sense of self and my own opinions, and still is to this day. Now, however, I try my best to stay away from him.

I found a quote once, that said "You never know what you are looking for until you find it." To find yourself, you really have to just... put yourself out there, and try things. But I think most importantly, you need to learn to stop letting what other people think influence you, live for yourself, and find a way to differentiate what the two look like. (something I struggle with myself).

When I think of someone who is 'a whole person' though, I get in my mind an image of a rock in the ocean.

The waves of other people's opinions continue to move and change, yet the rock is solid. The rock lets the experience of others smooth them out, and yet the rock is not shaped by other people.

I think a whole person lives for themselves. They consider other people's opinions, but it is ultimately they who decide who they become. They choose their own path despite the constant push and pull of other people. They say no with grace, and move forward with love. They don't punish other people for being different than themselves, but rather find that other people's uniqueness makes everything that much more interesting. They are kind, yet resolute on their own path. People brush up on them sweetly, a calm wave, but sometimes people crash against them so hard to try and break them, but they remain resolute, and centered, even though it hurts when the waves try and break them down.

A whole person is open to possibilities, a fractured self is quick to constrict and limit what is possible. A whole self realizes there is much more to learn, a fractured self thinks they know all there is to know. A whole person is balanced, a fractured self seeks to become balanced through other people. A whole person is relaxed, a fractured self is controlling...

A whole person centers on love, a fractured self uses fear to control.

I'm curious to hear how others answer this question, too. :)

 

I think a big part is realizing your past doesn't define you even though it has shaped you. You have the power to become whoever you want, to do the impossible.

The only whole people are the ones that realize becoming whole is a process, not a destination. You are whole the moment you seek to discover what that looks like for you.

We can choose in any situation either fear or love. Fear of what could be, or love of what is.

I would also recommend inner child work in various forms; I like to write, and travel to my inner child on the astral plane to remind her that I care what she thinks even if nobody else does, because I know her better than anyone else does.

You're standing up for your inner child when you're standing up for yourself.

If you have to be loud about it, be loud! Now is not the time to be playing it safe; you risk never being seen and developing a false self, which is dangerous!

Stop seeking approval! You're never gonna get it from people, it's just an endless chase of wanting to be validated; don't mistake validation and approval for Love! They're not the same thing!

Also, I'll be here for you if they don't like who you become.

Many people left me when I started to become more me, when I started to live for myself and made the choice to become centered. It takes them some getting used to, but they'll realize more with time that just because you're not conforming to them doesn't mean you are leaving them. It takes some getting used to for many who are still living in what I call, 'the old paradigm'.

Many still, won't like who you become. They were in love with this image they constructed in their mind of who you are, and many will leave once you start to show that you are not the person they thought you were; many feel threatened by this and fear the worst (if you're not who i thought you were, you're capable of being much worse than i thought you were), but for many others it's like when you start questioning yourself, it reminds them of the parts of themselves that they've tried avoiding for years.

I used to be a partier, used to do drugs and stuff. Once I stopped doing drugs and caring what went into my body, I lost many friends who were afraid of the implications me doing this meant for themselves. And many of them weren't ready to leave the old life behind. The new can be scary.

Still, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I haven't disowned that part of myself, it is still there within me. But that's not all I am. I will probably always refuse to be put into a box by other people, and I try and refrain from doing that with other people as well.

I hope this helps... good luck on your journey. :)

Edited by Tessa Rae
wanted to add more details.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Twisted love, I have been watching youtube channel of MOOJI. He talks in a simple manner to understand, I watch him a lot lately. He talks about accepting the pain and living with it. Not to give it any power but just look and not feel. Observe it only. Works for me. Be gentle with yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, twisted love said:

when i lived with my parents...they made me feel empty. they sorta erased my entire identity in a way...they treated every aspect of me the way many people would treat  my sexual orientation. u no how gay people....of are ashamed of their sexual orientation so thy hide and try to erase it....yea my parents did that with every aspct of my being(u no like hobbies, interests, any opinion ) until i felt empty.......  so i've been so fixated on the eptiness for years now, i haven't felt like a whole perosn for a long time....and i've been obssed with feeling whole agian. so i'm always focused on what elemsnts of my life/idneity are misssing.

how do i accept that there is no standard for a whole perosn, and that i am whole right now.....

and ALSO...how do i stop focuing on what is missing/lacking, stop trying to fill the emptiness...and start focusing on what could make me happy insted?/just start living

 

It sounds like you are 'trying to _____ ".

Trying isn't doing, and 'doing' isnt 'just being _____.

May you become empty of the emptiness, and in that moment realize that life is more fun when you are 'just full of it', lol.

  • Downvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wholeness is a challenging topic but I'll try my best.

I think there could be a standard for wholeness. I think wholeness is a matter of being in integrity with one's self.

Think of a car engine. When a mechanic says "the integrity of the engine is fudged up", he means the workings of the engine are not working together to make the engine work well, or the way you'd desire it to.

Think of the word "integrity". The root word is "integrate". A car ingrates all the moving parts to work in the desired way. 

Integrity of a person... What does it mean? Same thing, no? If my thoughts, feelings and actions all work well to serve my desires and values, I'm doing really well. 

Here's an example. One aspect of myself wants to have a routine hour in nature every day, yet I don't do that. Am I in integrity with myself there? No. One of these aspects of myself has to give in to the other so they work properly together. To "integrate" I could either compromise and say an hour in nature 3 times a week is good, or I go for an hour every day.

I might learn through self questioning that, right now I need to be in nature more, and the reason I'm not because Im not focused on the value of it. I need to see clearly the benefit of it so that I know it's worth my time. I can then show it to myself and decide from there...  would 3 days a week be enough? No, I need to do this every day, at least for now. I have time. Also I can see the value of it better now so I'm actually excited to do it.

That process integrates all aspects of myself, at least a little more, in my experience. My values, my unconscious concerns, my actions, are all cooperating together in integrity like an engine for that specific thing. My thoughts are focused on the value of it, my decision is lined up with what I know is best for me, it's not too much, and so naturally my desires start coming in. my alternator is working with my battery, my radiator is doing great because it's got fluid and has no leaks, etc. you know.

We all do this brilliantly with many parts of our lives already, I believe. When it comes to problem areas, we need to consciously figure it out and give ourselves a "tune up" to become more... whole again. 

Start with one thing and write to yourself about it. First thing that comes to mind. Ask yourself questions about it, maybe like, what is bothering me about this? How can I help it? Is it serving me? How or how not? Is there a better way to get what I'm really wanting here? How can I overcome this? What should I do? You'd be surprised how many answers you know unconsciously and how spot in they are. Find out what you want and see it in writing. See the value in your new direction. Know it's doable, and know it's perfect for you personally. If there's a question you don't know, it's totally in integrity to ask someone what they might think. However, being whole is a very personal thing and is very difficult to transfer.  I hope this helps your understanding or at least gives you a good idea to go off of.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now