Tessa Rae

Is it selfish? Warning- adult themes

16 posts in this topic

A question has been on my mind lately.

As a spiritual person (but really, even if I weren't spiritual, I would be a seeker of truth) I hate lying, in all its various forms. Probably to a fault. If I'm not okay, I'm not going to act like it, and if I see something that others don't seem to notice, I go out of my way to point it out.

If the emperor isn't wearing clothes I usually am the first to shout, "HEY! That guy's naked, people! Am I the only one seeing this?!"

I've gotten myself into trouble time and time again because of this. I point out when I observe people are behaving in toxic ways, when other people are living in illusion or fantasy instead of acknowledging what is, and speak my personal truth about how I feel life should be lived even though it's often quite radical from other people's views.

The way I see things, I have no desire to control other people or otherwise impede on their rights, and anyone whose 'rights' include wanting to impede on other people's rights, I start having a problem. I believe we humans were designed for symbiosis and expansion, and believe everyone ought to have the freedoms to be who they are as long as who they are doesn't mean beating down or otherwise harming other people.

Ok, so we've got that out of the way; now why I'm wondering about this...

I have been wondering lately if it's selfish to be as truthful as possible.

See, my friend is dating this guy and she really likes him. She seems really genuinely happy with him, and that makes me happy for her, except for one big thing...

I think he's a cheater.

When I first met the guy, he knew that I was best friends with my best friend. She told me that she explained to him how important I was in her life and vice versa, and so I expected to be treated with respect; I let my guard down (yeah, I'm recovering from abuse so don't hate me for having my guard up 90% of the time haha)

The whole time her boyfriend kept talking about wanting to have a threesome (yeah, which seemed kind of stupid in my opinion because I felt like it was obvious he wanted one with the two of us, and it was objectifying). I knew my friend wasn't okay with that as she's always been more of a traditionalist when it comes to the life she imagined, where she'd want to have kids, a husband, a house, the "American Dream" really. She's always been monogamous and hasn't expressed any interest in breaking traditions in that sense, and I respect that.

Needless to say, I wasn't impressed by this guy.

I was taken aback to see her actually afraid of telling him that she's not okay with that and that she has no desire to have a threesome with him at all. She kept on indirectly hinting at not wanting that, but I guess her boyfriend's a fucking idiot because he wasn't listening. (to be frank). haha- sorry. I use colorful words! :)

I did tell her when we were alone that she'll have to let him know eventually because (speaking from experience here) these sexual things usually happen heat of the moment, and don't usually have a long conversation about values when they do happen. most of the time, there's no planning how things will turn out, when they do start happening most people didn't consider they would find themselves in such a situation and thus don't usually verbalize that they are having a boundary violated.

So he was talking about this on the way to these primitive hot springs, and ironically enough, having a threesome became a sort of theme for the time I was visiting.

When we were at the hot springs, two girls and a guy joined us who were polyamorous, the girls kept kissing eachother and the guy and it was interesting witnessing a poly couple for the first time; though I could pick up on the subtle undertones of jealousy that two of them had for the other girl, who seemed to not have a care in the world. It was interesting to watch as an outsider...

It was also clear to me that this was a theme and something that we were meant to look at.

That night my friend and i went to see matt kahn speak, then we got back late and I slept on the couch in his living room.

OK, you follow me? Sorry this is so long!

SO, the next morning, his roommate gets up at like 4 or 5 AM, and turns the lights on in the room that I'm sleeping in, waking me up. I thought he would be walking in the room he turned the lights on but after 15 minutes pass of him not being in the room, I get up and turn the lights off again so i can sleep. About 10 minutes later, his roommate comes back in the room, and starts yelling aggressively at me for turning the lights off, giving me a panic attack. He starts to be really straight up horrible to me and I hide under the blankets until he's gone, confused because we both literally just woke up and I feel like the lights being off really isn't that big of a deal..

Whenever a male yells at me I get triggered because my dad was abusive. So, I go down into their room, shaking and crying, and explain what happened.

It's like a bizarre series of synchronicities but they invite me to stay in their bed, so I accept because I'm afraid this guy's gonna start physically hurting me if I stay upstairs. I did remember the threesome thing in the back of my mind, but I'm just like "this is so weird that all these things happened and now I end up in the same bed as them, WTF"

So long story short, he tries getting all touchy feely, which I don't feel comfortable with because I told them both that I HAVE A BOYFRIEND so I AM NOT interested. The only reason that I would want to have a threesome, is so I could give my friend an orgasm (because I don't trust that her boyfriend is really that great in bed tbh). My friend and I have already acknowledged that we're attracted to each other a long time ago, but we've never wanted to do anything about it because we care about our friendship and wouldn't want to make things weird. Plus, I don't think my friend is really sexually attracted to girls, she just thinks girls are pretty.

So, this becomes a turning point because I'm getting kind of into being with my friend but I want her boyfriend to go away, we end up just sort of cuddling but then her boyfriend's touching me inappropriately and finally she gets up and is like "I don't want to do this" i'm immediately hands off and cheering her on the inside for being strong, but still kind of confused about the whole thing because it just seems like there was no other way this could have happened (i know that's not necessarily true but being there and having everything happen the way it did, felt like some sort of weird fate).

She goes upstairs and takes a shower, and I just want to fucking sleep. Her boyfriend's still there, and that's when he said the thing that I asked this question over, "maybe we could still do it even though she's gone," he says. EWWWWWW, I cringe internally, why is he doing this? He's not even valuing her feelings about this at all. The only reason I'd want to do anything is so I could give my friend an orgasm, like a really good orgasm. But only if she wanted it, which she didn't.

"Are you fucking retarded? [my friend] is not okay with that, I can't believe this shit," I say. "The only reason I'd want to do anything is to help get her off because I would like to help her have a good orgasm, she's obviously not okay with a threesome so why the hell would you even ask that." So I'm pissed off, it's clear to me that this guy doesn't give a single fuck about my friend's emotions. I just want to fucking sleep! Why does all this shit happen?? I steal all the covers and try to sleep but the sun's up and that's not happening either. Soon he leaves, thank god. I didn't want to have to kick him in the balls but I was willing to do that if push came to shove.

My friend comes back and I explain to her that he was trying to have sex with me when she was gone, despite the fact that she was clearly unhappy with what was happening. She just didn't want to hear it, she said he was just kidding. And I'm just thinking, "UGHHHH this is so fucking retarded, he wasn't kidding, this guy is an ASSHOLE"  And I know that my friend really values finding a partner, she's probably just so happy to have found someone, she'd rather live in fantasy than acknowledge that he doesn't actually care about her, because let's face it, that's painful to realize.

I ask her as calmly as possible why someone would joke about something like that, I don't see the reason to and I would never joke about something like that. I guess it was too stressful for her and she conveniently erased that experience from her memory.

Months have gone by, and now they've almost been together for a year. She talks about how happy they are together, but then he has a billion other red flags that are just setting off my inner compass like crazy like "RED ALERT! THIS FUCKER IS A CHEATER!"

My friend claims she's doing well and she seems well, but it's hard for me to just keep quiet when it's clear to me that he doesn't have her best interest in mind, because in my book what he tried doing was not okay, and will never be okay. He was violating a boundary of hers. If you're polyamorous or wanting an open relationship, you gotta advertise that's what you're looking for because otherwise you're being deceptive.

I can't forget something like that, and if I was dating some guy who was like that, I'd want to know about it. So, I'm treating her how I'd want to be treated.

So, I told her about my concerns, and she listened even though it was hard to hear. But now I'm beating myself up, because it's like is my wanting to tell the truth selfish because I'm not considering how hard it is to hear the truth from her perspective?

She understands why I'm saying this, but will she listen? That's another thing entirely. Will she choose to see me as the enemy? I don't know. I'm certainly making myself an easy target.

I keep on explaining though, that if I'm not the person telling her this, it's possible that no one else will. She seems to understand that on some level, but I really want for her to find someone who values her as much as she values them.

I've lost friendships because I chose to tell the truth instead of pretend like everything's okay. And I'm afraid I could even lose this friendship. She seemed to be at peace with things and they otherwise seem to have a healthy relationship, before I showed up and started telling her the hard truth that she hasn't wanted to look at, so it's like, what's my deal? Why can't I just shut up about my concerns? 

Spirituality is not easy honestly, I think anyone who thinks its all sunshine and rainbows all the time is living in illusion. I push for growth in myself and I think I grow quickly compared to many because then I show up and I seem to be a sort of wave, whose momentum also starts waves in other people's lives. But this isn't pleasant experience at first; if the truth hurts, is it really worth it?

I keep telling myself that I'm just speeding up the process of things that were bound to happen anyways, but a lot of people just look at me and blame me for causing them to see things that they can no longer 'unsee'.

I'm curious to hear what your thoughts are on this, because I want to feel unafraid and solid knowing I'm shedding light on something, but it's hard when I feel like I'm the one who's causing my friend pain. And maybe what I think is best, is actually not best for her. 

I tried to ask her, "if he is cheating on you, are you willing to live with that, or is it a deal breaker?"

Thanks for listening, I'll appreciate any advice.

Edited by Tessa Rae
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, BLACK_0C3AN said:

I briefly skimmed through what you wrote, so I hope the following is relevant. If not, ignore!

Please know that this is coming from a place of personal experience, not judgment... You need to mind your own business. In the past, I have lost many friends that I deeply cared about as a result of getting too involved. (Thankfully we were able to rekindle.) It wasn't until I (temporarily) lost these friends that I realized how much of my own life I was missing out on because I was so invested in other people's. 

Unless you have legitimate, tangible evidence that you can use to prove to your friend that her guy is cheating, leave it alone. Even if your friend approaches you asking for advice, talk to her in a way that make her do most of the talking. Ask things like "Well, what is your gut telling you?" or "If you were in my situation, what would you want me to do?"

Ok, yes that makes sense. Thank you :) I think I do have a hard time with becoming too involved in other people's business. If I'm telling other people what's real, I'm no different from any other person who's controlling. I'm being closed.

I think the evidence that he was trying to cheat on her with me is pretty tangible but it's her decision in the end.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think it's wrong to stay quiet though? Cause I'm just gonna be straight honest and say that I think it would be deceptive of me to just not say anything.

I have mainly stopped with becoming too invested but its like wouldn't that make me deceptive if I were to keep quiet about it? I guess all the other things I observed aren't important but the actual event...

.... ehh I don't know, you guys can think what you want but I still feel its important to speak up when I see a friend is being mislead. I'm gonna work on not dwelling on it too much but I mean... I have to say something. I don't feel like it would be right to just say or act like, "he'd never do that!" when I honestly think he could and would.

Edited by Tessa Rae

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Tessa Rae said:

I don't feel like it would be right to just say or act like, "he'd never do that!" when I honestly think he could and would.

And he did... well he tried to, with you. So, yes, he IS the cheating type and probably cheats on her. 

However you choose to deal with it is up to you. I would sit her down for an important conversation. They've been together for a year now, which is better than 5 years. Talk to her now before she wastes anymore time with that guy.

It's not selfish. You're trying to help your friend. It sounds like she wants a stable boyfriend and he's not it. Help her sort it out. Hopefully she dumps him.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, BLACK_0C3AN said:

I briefly skimmed through what you wrote, so I hope the following is relevant. If not, ignore!

Please know that this is coming from a place of personal experience, not judgment... You need to mind your own business. In the past, I have lost many friends that I deeply cared about as a result of getting too involved. (Thankfully we were able to rekindle.) It wasn't until I (temporarily) lost these friends that I realized how much of my own life I was missing out on because I was so invested in other people's. 

Unless you have legitimate, tangible evidence that you can use to prove to your friend that her guy is cheating, leave it alone. Even if your friend approaches you asking for advice, talk to her in a way that make her do most of the talking. Ask things like "Well, what is your gut telling you?" or "If you were in my situation, what would you want me to do?"

I only read bits and pieces of what you have said, but the legitimate tangible evidence, is that this dick-nugget tried to cheat WITH HER------->Officially making it her business. 

2 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

Do you think it's wrong to stay quiet though? Cause I'm just gonna be straight honest and say that I think it would be deceptive of me to just not say anything.

I have mainly stopped with becoming too invested but its like wouldn't that make me deceptive if I were to keep quiet about it? I guess all the other things I observed aren't important but the actual event...

.... ehh I don't know, you guys can think what you want but I still feel its important to speak up when I see a friend is being mislead. I'm gonna work on not dwelling on it too much but I mean... I have to say something. I don't feel like it would be right to just say or act like, "he'd never do that!" when I honestly think he could and would.

My opinion is that you should not pretend to like him for your friends sake, IE when he gets brought  up, and you want to say, "That dickbag?" Do it. ...but don't make it your  business to break them up.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, Tessa Rae said:

Thanks @Adam. I think I did what was best for both of us here. It's out of my hands now.

What was the roommate yelling at you about? Frankly,  that's fishy, and was probably a set up. I'd slap the shit out of my roommate if I had one who did that to one of my guests.

 

I quoted the wrong post, but whatever, this is in response to the post in general.

Edited by WireX
misquote
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, WireX said:

I only read bits and pieces of what you have said, but the legitimate tangible evidence, is that this dick-nugget tried to cheat WITH HER------->Officially making it her business. 

My opinion is that you should not pretend to like him for your friends sake, IE when he gets brought  up, and you want to say, "That dickbag?" Do it. ...but don't make it your  business to break them up.

lol thanks, yeah I'm just about that blunt, I don't like him haha. But I care about my friend so, it's a delicate balance. ROFL thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, WireX said:

What was the roommate yelling at you about? Frankly,  that's fishy, and was probably a set up. I'd slap the shit out of my roommate if I had one who did that to one of my guests.

 

I quoted the wrong post, but whatever, this is in response to the post in general.

Yeah, The roommate is kind of a dick in general, he was mad at me for turning off the light cause I guess he's severely deficient in vitamin a and is thus very blind in the dark! (lol sorry, but vitamin a would totally prevent that sort of dark blindness) It wasn't a setup to my knowledge, and this guy has no idea that I get triggered by these sort of things. But yeah, it's definitely a weird synchronicity right??

Yeah. I seem to attract alot of people in my life who are pussies and won't stand up for me when I need it so what the hell ever. IF that guy wasn't so much taller than me I would have been a little more bold but I just instead kind of said "You don't need to be such a jerk about it," which set off a cascade of unreasonable responses on his part. 

Liiike, I'm sorry you're deficient in vitamin A and can't see shit in the dark dude. It's not my fault you're not eating right. Eat carrots and cod liver oil, don't get pissed at me. (actually he probably could use the cod liver oil more since he's having temper problems as well lol).

I'm terrible hahaha

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/17/2016 at 3:28 PM, Tessa Rae said:

treating her how I'd want to be treated.

Good on you. Don't worry too much. It's hard when the people we care about might think that we are trying to be manipulative for pointing vital things out, but don't let it shake you.

If your friend is unable (unwilling) to deduce that the guy is a loser, you've done your part. She eventually will, and learn whatever lesson she requires.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Tessa Rae said:

Yeah, The roommate is kind of a dick in general, he was mad at me for turning off the light cause I guess he's severely deficient in vitamin a and is thus very blind in the dark! (lol sorry, but vitamin a would totally prevent that sort of dark blindness) It wasn't a setup to my knowledge, and this guy has no idea that I get triggered by these sort of things. But yeah, it's definitely a weird synchronicity right??

Yeah. I seem to attract alot of people in my life who are pussies and won't stand up for me when I need it so what the hell ever. IF that guy wasn't so much taller than me I would have been a little more bold but I just instead kind of said "You don't need to be such a jerk about it," which set off a cascade of unreasonable responses on his part. 

Liiike, I'm sorry you're deficient in vitamin A and can't see shit in the dark dude. It's not my fault you're not eating right. Eat carrots and cod liver oil, don't get pissed at me. (actually he probably could use the cod liver oil more since he's having temper problems as well lol).

I'm terrible hahaha

Haha! Kickboxing! Not only will it make you mucho sexy as F, BUT you can stand up for all those pussies in your life who are in need of it. ;)

Contest.ilovekickboxing.com

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, WireX said:

Haha! Kickboxing! Not only will it make you mucho sexy as F, BUT you can stand up for all those pussies in your life who are in need of it. ;)

Contest.ilovekickboxing.com

:emot-chord:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Tessa Rae Wow. Ok, the only mistake I see from you and it's not even really a mistake but I know how a lot of guys can be, is you sharing with him that you would only do it to give her an orgasm and i'm sure that turned the pressure up at the base of his spine if you know what I mean. But like you said, you have no filter and I don't see anything wrong with honesty, however for future reference..... Thank you for the short story! :)

On 7/17/2016 at 10:03 PM, Tessa Rae said:

Thanks @Adam. I think I did what was best for both of us here. It's out of my hands now.

Agreed! Sometimes you have to let people learn on their own, I feel like you did your part by being honest with her, however you have empowered her with knowledge so the ball is in her court(or what ever they say). 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/18/2016 at 6:43 PM, WireX said:

 

 

On 7/18/2016 at 6:43 PM, WireX said:

Haha! Kickboxing! Not only will it make you mucho sexy as F, BUT you can stand up for all those pussies in your life who are in need of it. ;)

Contest.ilovekickboxing.com

Oh and BTW, the roommate was a co-conspirator, his job was to get you to the room that they were in to get you in the bed. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now