Han Solo

Falling into a character

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Falling into a character

I've been posting here for a while now. I write my posts in a certain way here. But the way I write here, I don't do everywhere. Granted, Teal Swan deals with spiritual growth and discussion topics here are geared towards more personal hardship and questions, so it naturally commands a bit more sensibility. Still, I have found myself to be locked in this way of writing, as if I take on a specific character whenever I write something here. But that character isn't all who I am.

I feel like, if I suddenly change the way I write to be, for example, a lot more loose, brash and so forth, that it would be completely alienating. In my head, I think that whoever reads my posts, expects them to have a certain consistency to them. But that's something I always struggled with as a being. I spent most of my life getting beat down and fabricating individual masks to get me through these situations with as little pain as possible. And I think it may have become chronic at this point, because I kind of can't stop doing it, and I have been asking myself for a long time, who I actually am. Truth is, I have issues myself, that I have trouble resolving, that I need help with. But because of this character, because I wrote lot's of advice to others, I'd feel like a massive, asinine hypocrite if I made a thread about that. I feel like there are many opportunities for growth here, that are sealed off because it doesn't rub well with my social feelers. And there are quite a few other things that I want to talk about, that I feel like I can absolutely not do, because of some of the things I said.

So, in spite of this image I have in my head, I made this thread, in hopes to break free from that. Because this is not just a thing on this website. This permeates my entire life. And perhaps, not only just me. I am honestly not living life, I am fighting it, and I am fighting everyone I meet. I realize, this comes from a place of immense pain, because whenever I listen in to myself, among all the other feelings that come and go, that heavy, bitter feeling of cold hatred is always lingering within me. And it has been like that since I was a kid. Really, perhaps even earlier than that. I always had a really strong drive to explore and interact with things, and my boorish parents curbed almost all of these attempts right in their tracks. The dread that accumulated, was suffocating to me. Maybe kids can't sit still because they are really excited. For me, it was the opposite, life was so unbearable that I wanted to distract myself in any way I could just to stop feeling it. And sometimes, I thought about how I could just end it all. I distinctly remember that on a particularly unbearable day, I was in a car drive with my parents and my grandpa on the seat next to me. During the journey, I noticed the doors were not locked. I spent time thinking, if I really wanted to do this. Then, in one fell swoop, I disengaged the seat-belt, and reached for the doorhandle, attempting to throw myself out. I managed to get the door open, but my grandpa held me back in. They were pretty puzzled, but they formed the narrative for me that I, while playing around, somehow accidentally opened the door. To this day, they have no idea what my real intentions were. And somehow, I kept going on regardless.

Just like those masks and characters, I've acted like my life, instead of a chance or an experience, was just a convenient temporary identity for a purpose that still remains completely unknown to me. As a natural explorer, I've explored the awful side of life quite extensively. But I think, it's time to explore the nicer, better things it holds, and not as a collection of characters that squeezes out the most favorable response from everyone and trashes all attempts of intimacy... but as myself.

So, am I the only one? Is there a coming back from this? Would I even want to come back? Or am I destined to keep sulking about over all the things I never had and the feelings within?

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Hey Hans,

I think your writing this topic is already a giant  step in your healing journey.

You say you feel like a character, dropping some of the best replies when actually you are needing help, love and comfort, too.

The fact your family didn't understand your intent in the car and even worse decided to write your story is a trauma that can only make you think things like "I have to pretend I am fine" or "I have to put a mask so they won't peel in the skin they don't even see" etc...

Or maybe envisaging one of their child could suffer so much that it wanted to die could only damage their own characters, or the one of the whole family as a thought form that equals to  "we are a good and loving dedicated family" that implies "no child could suffer because of any of our doings or sayings".

So your family seems to love characters, probably more than you do for if you truly were a pure "character" you would have never posted this very one topic and never felt the need to.

Instead of validation you received pure fiction that  sustained this image of an ideal family  whose people seem so caught iin convincing themselves "they are good".So "good "the little boy wanted to take his very own life!!!

Right now you got me feeling very angry at your parents- whatever your current age may be dear Hans.

How could you not feel hatred in such conditions?

How could intimacy feel safe at first when your primary caregivers "betrayed" you by putting the survival of their image above the inner survival of a child?

You are not alone.

And this post makes others like me feel less alone, too.

❤️🦋

Deneb

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Thank you for replying, Deneb. I noticed that you're really often giving reactions to my posts and sharing your thoughts on them as well. Your presence is warming to the heart, and even though I never say this, I really do appreciate it.

You are very right in all the things you point out. In school, after I graduated from the first 4 basic years, the lack of authenticity really started to kick in. The problems started piling up, and the good grades I used to sport, were soon a flickering dream. In these times, I needed my parents to help me the most. But instead, I was punished. Disappointment, about my lack of success, the increasing social isolation I felt drawn too, was interpreted as a sign of laziness, the hours I sunk into video games as the only thing to give me some solace in these times, was seen as an addiction. In the eyes of my parents, I was a lazy good-for-nothing loser, that only thought about playing his computer games.

There are no words to describe the magnitude of stupidity that my parents engaged in, particularly my father. Equally, there are no words to describe the resentment I felt for them for the longest part of my life. But there is no use in sperging out about it now, it won't bring me back my happy childhood, the chances that I could never realize, the friends I never made. I have set my eyes forward since quite some time now, I want to leave those times behind me and be able to live life to it's fullest again. I have made significant progress in this regard. But even still, some things are still deeply ingrained into me, and before I take care of that, all bliss and happiness is only temporary, and to hold on to that anyway, would mean to give up on myself, because I would accept that I can never experience true happiness!

Edited by Han Solo
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I say yes, you're not alone.

Masks/characters/personas are a way of living out fragmentation. A way of compartmentalising Hurt, Neglect, Pain etc. Coping mechanisms. They serve to protect, they have their purpose even though they all need to be unravelled at some point after the fact.

 

Those are horrible things that happened to you. It's awful that your parents didn't know what they were doing, how they reacted.

 

How things have gone can't be controlled. Patterns are laid down in youth, and they get repeated over and over later in life. You're right to ask for alternatives though... What can be controlled though, is how things will go.

I follow patterns in how things go, wherever I go, and it means what I say will follow certain lines, in certain contexts. I try to harmonise those patterns, to be honest and consistent... and it generally is improving. New paths and patterns can always be forged... they get harder with the years, but y'know... human mind is its own master. If there's will to change, to integrate, to grow, it can be done no matter how big the job is. Just takes time. The saying 'you are who you pretend to be' is always true... everyone always becomes the character they try to play. Everyone can change characters, but they have to want to. And I think it's always best to try 'em out. It's possible to play to different aspects of yourself, without ever being false with yourself or others. We all have a lot going on inside us, emotionally. There's room enough in us for more than one thing going on at a time.

The path of talking about it is a good one. Keep on going, it's a good idea to put it into words. I always find it astounding how different it is to feel something (or even type it), than to verbalise it... like it's easier to pay attention to one's own words, than one's own inner monologe. We're built to speak, after all.

I dunno if my ideas help. But I think it's a good idea for you to keep talking about it until you've come to a conclusion that works for you.

Edited by Done Now
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I love what Done Now wrote on all the masks we wear depending upon our mood.

She also 100per cent right when she says that we can be wearing all these masks without being unauthentic. We are just being ourselves with various shields.

love and cheers,

Deneb

 

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