Deneb

Missing my Mom/Experienced channel needed

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Missing my Mom/Experienced channel needed

Period...

What a funny expression to describe something that can go way beyond blood for some of us girls 

Here I am, bleeding like a dying pig, aching and crying non stop.

I feel like screaming, not because the physical pains are (actually being) unbearable but because the one thing I just can't don't and won't seem to bear is the fact my Mom is...over the rainbow.

It is just unthinkable, unfathomable, In understannd my Mom had her share of suffering and deserved a better place to rest in peace but no matter  it's already been 3 years my mind and my soul can't take that very one loss -and God  I fuckin know about losses.

But her, my mother, she was my everything, I don't get "over it".

I don't "accept it."

We had such a bound, I wanted to save her, prayed for her non-stop and no one will ever convince me she eventually departed for my highest good.

Everybody finds it "normal" that parents go away before children, but where is that supposed to make me feel relief??

 

Something I need to open about...:

When my Mom was fighting cancer it took her a very, very long time to understand what I would go through if she passed away...

She understood it would be unbereable for me and let's say unbearable sounds like a very very small word applied to the suffering in question.

So one evening... The evening she understood the depth of it all, she gently stroke my hair as I was resting my head upon her legs and belly.

And she told me "Ok, I DO understand this pain of yours now and I can comfort you with something I truly think now: if things get that bad we can leave this world together. I promise you these are not words, sweetheart."

It felt like such a huge relief my Mom got to understand me but... 

The rest is history since I am typing these lines.

Why give life  then take it?

I do not like this dimension, I really don't.

Yes, death is real in here.

It is not in other places/realities.

 

One year ago, I was mysteriously approached by a man (total stranger) as I was shopping. He talked to me from my back and I first thouht I was halllucinating because of my sleep deprivation (10 days?).

He said these exact words: "I have some informations regarding your mother".

I stayed petrified, convinced my mind and exhaustion were playing games with me.

I pretended I had heard nothing at all. Then tried to keep up my shopping. But it was impossible, big bad worsest wound was opening wider and in public...

It turned out the man could have followed me but he didn't. He looked like he was quietly waiting for me. 

He repeated the exact same words and we crossed eyes but I can remember running away from him without running though, just walking faster to get away in the subway.

 

I think he really had some important and relevant information for me regarding my Mom.

But I was just too sad and scared to give him the chance to listen to him.

 

So, if some of you are used to channel "the dead" (hate this word so much) and should my mother want to give me a message you will soon know where to post.

I hope my Mom is not stuck in between Bardos, I hope she still is, I suspect she doesn't want or doesn't dare direct contact with me because she might not stand my amounts of suffering, I don't know.

All I know for sure is ... I want to join her and miss her so badly. 

Death kills me. Duality needs to be erased, so will be this dimension, so will be this "I" that is typing.

 

Love and blessings to all,

Deneb

 

 

 

 

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