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Alex7

just expressing.

5 posts in this topic

do you guys like your blue print? the person that you are, the person you were going to be before you were even born. If I were god I would throw in people that don't fit in, don't follow rules, have a completely different perspective, but when you are one of those its like ummmm I changed my mind... I notice I create this gap between me and people because I feel so different and I feel I can't relate to most people, but I find all people who are authentic to be interesting, its an attractive energy. I crave a society that just loves each other no matter what and they love each other, but I'm not in that society... so I have to have other people project their own shit onto me based on all of their beliefs on what's important. I feel I don't have permission from people to be me, so that creates self hate in myself. this isn't true, but its what I've experienced. I have experienced being loved unconditionally from someone so I know its possible, but still I feel a lot of people aren't capable of it and it scares me away from them. Of course source, god, the universe gives me permission to be me, that's the design, but I want permission from people to be me lol. like inside I'm like is this okay? can I do this? will you love me if I do this because I expect rejection every time.  i think i come from a place where everyone loves each other no matter what, so when you expect that and it doesn't come, its like i changed my mind from having this love perspective. I hate saying I love you because it sounds so cheesy, but I do lol.

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Be yourself. I'll let Ya ;)

Find a way to teach your inner child that is inside of you that it will always deserve unconditional love and doesn't need to change in order to get it. 

In order to attract people into your life who love you AND let you be who you want, loving yourself is key. 

Teal's the bomb at teaching this:

 

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Hey Alex,

Thank you for sharing so honestly. I relate so much to what you say here. I too believe in, as Charles Eisenstein puts it "the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible".

I felt like an anomaly in my family and in my environment growing up. There was a harshness and a lack of soul and authenticity that left me feeling deeply lonely, and deeply faulty, because I wasn't able to get on and fit in like I thought everyone else could. I tried to fit in, but at some point in high school I think I gave up on connecting with people in person. I found the realness I wanted in an online community, but I also felt ashamed of that, that this was a sign of me being the loser I feared I was.

What I know now is that the gap that I felt between me and the people in my life at that time was there for a good reason. There was nothing wrong with me. They were just not my people and trying to pretend to be like them was killing me. I have since found others who are like me, and over time the gap has shrunk in a way where I feel I am loved for being who I am, and I love the friends and family that I have found for being who they are. I'm married to the most beautiful being who is just as much of an outsider weirdo as I am, yet all in the name of love too.

For me this process has meant, at times when I've felt ready, risking the rejection of certain people who were in my life by stepping out of their limiting stories and beliefs and into what my heart really desired. When I was 18, I had fallen in love with a person I met online who lived in North Carolina (I live in Australia) and so I saved up and booked a two-week trip to go spend time with him in person. I got my passport and everything ready and set, and then I told my parents. My mum was furious. My dad shrugged and said it was my life. When I landed in the US I called my mum, feeling like I was in the right place, but also feeling a bit vulnerable being so far from home. She snapped at me, saying 'Have you fucked him yet?' My heart broke and I hung up the phone and cried.

My heart has broken many times on the journey to find the love that my heart knew was possible. But as I continued to take those risks to follow what I found interesting, and towards those people that I found attractive, (even though they also terrified me!) I've met people who adore what had been previously rejected in me.

In answer to your question, 'Do you like your blueprint?'

There have been times that I have hated it, have wanted it to leave me alone, where I wished I could just be 'normal'. Nowadays, even in the worst of it, if you gave me a choice I would choose this. I still have my complaining, fed up moments, when I feel I'm being called to step into something I'm not ready for. But I just remember that i get to take it slow, and I don't actually have to do anything before I choose to.

All I've needed is just one single person to show me love in a place where I had not experienced it before and that set me off with enough of a sense of hope and possibility in humankind that I've been able to take that one next step.

I see through your words Alex that you have such a huge and beautiful heart. If you show that to even just one more person who you sense can receive it (and they do exist!) you may find yourself better able to withstand the people in your life who would reject it. The way I see it, our love is immense but we've also got to devote it to people and things that can receive it and reflect it back to us. You seem to be really aware of who can and can't receive you. And then sometimes I think we've just gotta share that love with ourselves and receive it inside. I sense you'd be really good at that, too.

With love for you exactly as you are,
Hayley

Edited by Hayley Maia
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Alex..You're such a kind person. Don't be sad. You're not lonely in this universe. God loves you and cares about you even when others do not seem to. And you need to love yourself regardless of the opinions of others. It's a hard habit to develop, but once you have done this, you're free. (= It's okay to depend on others for support and joy every once in a while. But that true deep, delightful happiness we want, noone can give that to us. We have to give it to ourselves. It's a conscious choice.

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Alex, I spent a lot of my life looking for some sort of recognition or acknowledgement but I never found it. My belief is the reason I could not find it was because it need not to be found. Just be yourself. Besides , it feels much better to not waste all that time and thought on looking, there are far better things to do ! Things way more fun.

Edited by Craig
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