Deneb

About grief

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About grief

First of all I wanted to thank Teal for reminding people  that it is ok not to be ok.

It's been 3 years since I lost my Mom.

There is not a single minute that goes by without me thinking of her. I feel like I will never have such a connection again until I join her. She was my everything and so on the contrary.

I also find myself remembering one of my ex's quote from a year and a half about this. He told me these exact words: "Stop grieving your  mother for this is how you lost me" 

I have a new theory about my psycho ex: he first wanted to "save" me but when he realized he just couldn't stop the emotional bleeding inside of me I eventually became his unconscious and unwanted scapegoat,the "bad mirror" to him.

I am highly aware the love I feel for my mother and her loss may interfere with some of my relationships, especially the most important ones.

I am aware I can't afford forming new romantic bounds before creating some more inner space for that grief and  its counterpart called inner peace.

Eversince I learnt my mom's illness I found myself facing/acknowledging/bearing the terrible wound of always being reminded all the ones I love will eventually pass away.

And when loving a man, this wound is just unbearable and expresses itself like a huge, deep and constant stabbing of my solar plexus (that was completely torn apart when I was confronted with my mom's disease).

 

I really would appreciate your views and insights in here ❤️

 

love and cheers,

Deneb

 

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Once again I want too thank Teal for her patience and teachings and also offering us a space of expression.

Maybe my single writing this whole topic will help me heal...

My biggest wound is obviously the one called "cumulated grief" for I started losing loved ones to death at a very young age.

I am going to open myself some more about it in hope some of you may find the way to send some light and loving to that huge black hole that builds up such a wall between "me" and the ones wh haven't benn through iit (most people)

My first serious loss was my grandpa, my Mom's father, when I was 5. It took me 20 years to realize the impact of his departure and when I attended my Mom's funeral... It was HIS name I screamt for help.

Grandpa was a great guy and my only true "male figure" since my father never was there. I loved him deeply, still do. I know it impacted Mom more than she would realize, especially his death occurring in the middle of the divorce (I won't go into details about how badly my father and his new b...ch tried to destroy my mother, but karma, yes, I believe in karma, they'll have it coming...).

Then when I was 6 I lost my 2 other grandparents (my father's parents). They used to babysit me and I loved them a lot, especially my grandfather. The grandmother would scare me a little but I would still appreciate her lol.

When I was 8 I lost my big aunt and I think this is the first time I got to consciously cry over the death of someone. My big aunt would babysit me too with my big uncle and even if she wasn't always so nice with me, I cried as the  song "Don't worry be happy" was playing on tv. 

Then my big uncle passed away when I was 14. He had endorsed the supportive role my Mom needed after my very first grandpa's death. This evening I can remember  playing Stone Temple Pilots full volume on my stereo. I couldn't care any less about my neighbors at this point: I wanted to pay tribute to him and screaming music was my very own to do so.

When I was 25 I lost my ex and very first boyfriend to suicide. We had managed to create a new friendly and brotherly relationship. That hurt so much I broke my phone out of anger when I learnt his death.

Same year (still 25) I lost one of my bestest friend to suicide as well. But here the grief was "easy" because I knew how much he was suffering so I felt relief for him.

A few years later... I lost another and very close friend to cancer. We had known each other since I was a teen and he was like the brother I had never had so when his picked up his phone to say "Stephane no longer was" and after a few minutes of absolute shock I ended up... Yelling at God, cursing him, even using his sacred name and swore at him I would take him to Hell with me. Maybe I killed another phone that day, whatever...

Pain was already piling up...

In 2012 my intuition got me very concerned with my Mom's health and I litterally had to beg her to see the doctor... The rest of it was simmply the beginning of my very own personal Hiroshima.

She fought like a true lionness no matter how excruciating her pains were becoming.

I had been constantly praying for both her inner and physical recovery...praying the universe at large... I would get 11:11 on a daily basis with my boyfriend of that time.

January,the 11th 2016, 3:25 am:

My mom was gone. She left me with Police's song playing on the radio:"Every breathe you take"

 I've had absolutely no support worse than that, fake friends trying to prey on me in hope to get something out of my mom's inheritance. FUCK THEM ALL! may they lose all family so they finally DO know how it feels.UH.

And, one month and a half after thatI had to euthanize my furry baby, my one and only cat Octave who had gone crazy over Mom's departure and would repeatedly attack me as a way to scream his own despair...

 

I feel relief to have posted it all...

I may be grieving my latest (and psycho)ex as well and all that could have been LOL

 

Here is a NIN song that totallly resonates with it all

It is called "And all that could have been"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwc-amI7AmE

 

Deneb

 

 

 

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Hey Deneb, I am so so sorry for all your loss 😭 I don’t even feel like I have the right to say anything to you because the amount of loss you have experienced is out of this world... It is so cruel that your life path had to be this way and it is so unfair... I imagine it must be impossible for you to connect with anyone without feeling the fear of losing them and that is really horrible. Have you worked with any grief counsellor or anything like that? 

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Yes, get angry and let it be your fuel.

No soul should go through so much loss. 

Fuck the LoA, shadow work, Cp and the new age if you feel like it and  if you have not seen much progress since you started [that would be a very good sign, especially if you came to nowhere with all the work you have done]. I am not good at grief either but one thing I do know is that the memory of the event gets stuck on a replay that's why it's so difficult for people to move on. It takes some serious conscious re-programming and I don't know how spituality alone can help. So have more faith in yourself,  I believe you can do it! The past is past, your future is your own hands even if it looks like a plain white canvas. Or maybe black, whichever color you like as a start.

Sending hugs and love your way❤

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Eveslofl said:

Hey Deneb, I am so so sorry for all your loss 😭 I don’t even feel like I have the right to say anything to you because the amount of loss you have experienced is out of this world... It is so cruel that your life path had to be this way and it is so unfair... I imagine it must be impossible for you to connect with anyone without feeling the fear of losing them and that is really horrible. Have you worked with any grief counsellor or anything like that? 

Thank you Eve. I have a therapist who is highly aware of personal history and even though he is not specialized in grief, he know me very well and knows how much I struggle to let this pain flow.

I already thought about grief counselling but I admit I am a little scared to attempt a support group only to find out that...well...I am quite a "cosmic case", I wouldn't like to feel even more  alone and angry at people grieving but still having bits of a family.

But yeah, maybe having a second therapist specialized in grief could benefit me.

OR... some good old shamanic medecine,

Thank you for taking the time to read me entirely Eve,

love and cheers,

Deneb

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2 hours ago, Garnet said:

Yes, get angry and let it be your fuel.

No soul should go through so much loss. 

Fuck the LoA, shadow work, Cp and the new age if you feel like it and  if you have not seen much progress since you started [that would be a very good sign, especially if you came to nowhere with all the work you have done]. I am not good at grief either but one thing I do know is that the memory of the event gets stuck on a replay that's why it's so difficult for people to move on. It takes some serious conscious re-programming and I don't know how spituality alone can help. So have more faith in yourself,  I believe you can do it! The past is past, your future is your own hands even if it looks like a plain white canvas. Or maybe black, whichever color you like as a start.

Sending hugs and love your way❤

 

 

 

Hey Garnet,

Yes, anger brings much more empowerment than the victimhood vibration.

When managed properly anger can be extremely useful to  define what you want and don't want anymore.  

Anger feels soo much better than despair because I've been through the powerlessness vibration enough times to hate it.

Now when somebody pretending to be my friend tries to convince me I do not know what 's best for me and what things I'm supposed to do =this kind of toxic relationship only belongs in the trashcan.

I find a lot of relief by stopping to do things out of a feeling of obligation towards somebody, my very first and bestest "obligation" has to be me.

And the world is full of masterpieces that were created out of pure anger directed upon a media of creation.

So, L.o.a in my case? no point.

 

Many thx Garnet,

❤️

Deneb

Edited by Deneb
spell!
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