alice_emma

Pushing Relationships Away

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Pushing Relationships Away

I have a fragmentation that puzzles me. While I desperately want a relationship I push it away from me quite a lot. I usually am attracted to people to are emotionally unavailable (the please love me dynamic), but also I feel as though I am not worthy of the people who like me, or even the people who I like. Why is it that after I have recognised these things I still feel very isolated from intimacy? Is there another shadow aspect that I haven’t understood yet?

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Kinda get the feeling that you should read what you write more often.....try exploring here first (see below) ...'Why' might be a good question. If you over-complicate something or try to tackle something too large. Break it into smaller pieces. See where it lead you.

I have a fragmentation that puzzles me. While I desperately want a relationship I push it away from me quite a lot. I usually am attracted to people to are emotionally unavailable (the please love me dynamic), but also I feel as though I am not worthy of the people who like me, or even the people who I like. Why is it that after I have recognized these things I still feel very isolated from intimacy? Is there another shadow aspect that I haven’t understood yet?

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Hey I am suffering from the same dynamic. I am 28 and have never had a real relationship because of that. Either I am in love with someone unavailable or I am pushing away (often in disgust) someone who really likes me. I tried to do some parts work on this extreme split. So what I found is that: let’s say the emotionally unavailable guy is A and the guy who really likes me is B. When I am with A, I act exactly like B, needy and anxious and desperate for connection. When I am with B, I act exactly like A, aloof and avoidant and distant. I figured I need to own both of these aspects. So when I am with A, I have to recognise that this is me pushing away people who like me. When I am with B, I have to recognise that this is me being needy for connection. I have less control over A because once they withdraw, that’s it. I have more control over B because I am the one withdrawing. So in that case I try to sit with that sense of disgust towards B and even if I decide not to be with them in the end, I sort of caretake their feelings of anxiousness and neediness as part of my own.

The feeling of being “not worthy of people who like me or I like” - I still can’t seem to undo it. I feel like I am stopping myself from even trying to change that feeling/belief. It’s like I’m using it as a safety net so that when something doesn’t work out, I get to say “see I knew I’m not worthy of love”. I defend this feeling/belief so strongly, that I chronically fantasize about situations where I am dissapointed by someone I love. It physically causes an intense ache in my heart but it’s like I’m addicted to it. It’s almost like I need to believe I am not worthy, so that at least I have an explanation to why I haven’t been able to find anyone.

I also feel like there’s some other underlying shadow that binds this split. Maybe to an outsider it is obvious but I have been trapped in the fog of this dynamic my entire life. I would love to hear other people’s take on this...

 

Edited by Eveslofl

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The ability to sustain a relationship depends on people's effort to be considered and respectful of each other. Close relationships are not objects to be easily pushed around at your own convenience or like animals that you can just put out the door whenever you feel tired of their company. If you can just remember this, your relationship's quality is going to greatly improve.

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On 2/15/2019 at 2:01 PM, Eveslofl said:

I also feel like there’s some other underlying shadow that binds this split.

Yes I do exactly the same thing! I don’t understand what the shadow aspect is.. maybe we can work on it together?

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On 3/1/2019 at 1:44 AM, alice_emma said:

Yes I do exactly the same thing! I don’t understand what the shadow aspect is.. maybe we can work on it together?

Yes I would like to. Drop me a message when you feel like it :)

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