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A few days ago I watched the video on Anorexia and didn't expect to identify with it completely but I still thought I might gain something from it because I gain something from every video. What really happened to me was that I had an intense panic attack and found myself pressed into the corner of my kitchen with my eyes closed shivering. I felt small and shrinking even smaller by the second like my body was frozen and traumatized, I couldn't open my eyes and felt like I was dying. I get that I was a baby, with my dad who was unemployed at the time. I'm sure he was dealing with the self esteem and identity issues that come with being an unemployed male in this society. Right now my husband is dealing with the same thing so I have compassion for it. This society makes men feel emasculated if they fail to adapt in unhealthy ways to this unhealthy system and then we have double standards for women. So I understand and forgive myself for misinterpreting my fathers devotion to my well being as a baby and I also forgive my father for not knowing that I needed more attention than he gave me. I would have never looked there for a source of suffering in my life because my dad and I had a really fantastic relationship growing up (except for the fact that I actually just learned to mirror him to his face so that he would love me). Even though I'm not just like him, I still think he is such a great person. Holy shit though, I would have never looked there.

Theme song:

My anorexia was so unconscious that I literally had no idea about it and did not identify with it in the slightest. But now that I can clearly see that I suffer from this coping mechanism and since I've recognized it it's like it's been kicked into overdrive. My stomach is almost always tight and in knots now. For the past few days I've pretty much only been able to hold down liquids, food feels and seems so aversive like fucking cardboard. On top of it, I'm going vegetarian. I did it in the past for years, but in an unhealthy way (french fries, cereal, bullshit).  I have been listening to my body and forcing myself to eat when I'm getting hunger signals. I don't want to treat my body like it's needs don't matter, but what do I do?

Just keep drinking liquids and whatever food I can get down? Any suggestions?

Edited by Chloe_Reeder
missed question mark & accidentally pressed enter

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Hey Chloe, my solution suggestion on dealing with the long-term effect is below.
So you were triggered by the same incident your husband is in - drawn inexplicably to Anorexia even though it was not a conscious choice, (as we understand 'conscious', that is).
Have you considered that this was not an accident, this coming up at this point in time?
Essentially it's your subconscious letting you know there is something you can become more aware of, understand and walk through to release it from affecting you in this way.
Your emotional reaction has triggered a long forgotten sensory reaction which is similar to Fight or Flight chemical reactions that have you in a nervous state. Anorexia is a condition where you have become used to being in control of yourself through what you eat and when, is all - but you watched the vid so nothing new there... this may all sound like I'm trying to tell you but you yourself know and I am only surmising here...
What hidden long-term anxiety since you mention your husband and your dad - that seems it has to do with your dad and your dependancy on him just like a dependancy on your husband. It may be as subtle as needing security or as complex as needing release from anxiety you grew up with and the attachment that had you dependant on your father being in a good mood or you doing things to please your dad etc etc.
1/  Again, this may be deeper than you realise so I suggest you start with 'feeling into' yourself and just sitting with whatever emotion comes up for you. Don't try and change it just sit with whatever is present.
Once you have a way of distinguishing certain feelings by what they feel like in your body, what they look like (internal mind view), what they sound like, what colour etc you get to distinguish between similar 'feeling flavours'.
2/  Then start some CP or
3/  some Parts Work.
I suggest CP as that is inner child retrieval which can solve what seems like a downward spiral from your husband's current situation/your dad/dependancy/anorexia/other.

The worldwide CP site is
Best face to face someone in your area if possible but Zoom video conferences and such still work amazingly well.

Chloe, I wish you well on your journey.

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Crystal Rob, thank you so much for your response!

I was doing it again, where I realize that I thought I could fix it all myself and just force myself to eat each time now that I am more conscious of it, but my body is obviously telling me what you just suggested- That I shouldn't try to fix it on my own and I should reach out to someone who is CP certified.

I know that I consciously asked my higher self and I asked my husband if I could take on the aspect of his consciousness that felt powerless to help him (he thinks this stuff is interesting, but isn't fully convinced yet), as he is about to have a very important federal hearing to determine whether he is off of probation or not (him manifesting his powerlessness). But what I got in return was my higher self showing me that I was manifesting from my own powerlessness actually and just as much as he was haha.

Thanks for responding to me, it feels really good to talk to someone with masculine energy that resonates with Teal's body of work. I really appreciate it.

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