wanderlostkris

The Transformation Tunnel

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The Transformation Tunnel

Hey, I'm Kristin.. and I am hoping to connect to some kindreds on here. I started the spiritual path of self discovery, integration, and shadow work in 2014. I am now 27, and it feels as though I have lost everything and been stripped down to the most uncomfortable place I have ever been. I became so ill a year ago that I moved back in to my parents house, and since then I have faced my codependency issues, commitment issues, addictions, loneliness, self-hate, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. It has been 3 years since I have had any job, besides volunteering abroad.. I love helping people but meeting my own needs is something I am not familiar with, and I really don't have a tribe yet. I heard Teal talk about how we are in Hell when we are in the hallway of transformation and I was hoping someone else could relate? I feel so much shame and guilt for being where I am in my life... for being who I am... I have compassion for these parts of myself and allow myself to feel the shame and guilt.. but I am utterly terrified to determine where to go to live next, how to afford to meet my needs, or how to establish true intimacy, friendship, community, and networks. I feel that 5 years from now, things will be super amazing, but this part is almost unbearable and I am hoping someone can share some insight on how to keep the faith when everything feels like it's falling apart. How do we meet our needs in a state of flight/fight? 

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I don’t know the answer to your questions, but I’m going through something similar. I’m at a very low point where I am really hoping the pain and misery I feel aren’t a part of my daily life forever. I don’t understand how to apply the completion process correctly yet. I basically get stuck in stages of extreme emotion and I don’t know how to go further  with it. And honestly, sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes it’s too painful, particularly when it comes to past sexual trauma. I’m in a place where I fluctuate between extreme lows and pretty high highs. I guess I try to make decisions by getting myself to a place of less resistance...idk. Honestly, as much sense as Teal’s teachings make, applying them is a completely different story for me personally. They are no joke. This is hard and I don’taways have faith. Sometimes I do doubt. One thing I know for certain is that I want friends who know the real me and someone I can regularly talk to about this kind of thing. 

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I am super thankful that you replied! I really understand the highs and lows.. balancing out my emotions has been a life long struggle. I totally agree about applying her teachings. I sometimes get lost in the work for hours because it takes so much focus and consistency. I struggle with ADD and this makes reading books a bit frustrating for me, so I haven't even started the Completion Process. I have been trying to get to a place of less resistance as well... but sometimes I worry about the fact that I am IN resistance and it sets of  anxiety. I have started laughing about how difficult it is to go through this... like in a state of surrender, making a joke out of it seems to help me a lot. Laughter in general helps.. but dry humor seems to do me best when I am in a low state... Sometimes I just feel like i am flying around in a whirlwind of chaos with no idea why I am trying.. but I have this fear of actually pursuing suicide so that is why I keep trying... I see synchronicities, and then I overthink them or get lost in my rational/logical mind by accident. Her work feels even harder when there is an absence of accountability partners, or people to hold space. That being said, I totally want you to know I validate your process, your feelings, and your path. I feel like we are in the right place, and I do feel it is possible that as painful and out of balance as you feel, it is a sign that whatever you are doing is working. She calls it Pandora's box for a reason. 😉 I don't have a lot of confidence in myself yet, and sometimes I can act like I know way more than I do, but I will say I am more than glad to keep talking with you and be a support system during your journey--as best i can. It is super nice to know you aren't alone when dealing with depression and deep healing work. I unintentionally cut myself off from people in my own shame and fear of rejection, and the "suicide cycle" as I like to refer to it in my own experience has been utterly unbearable at times. Blehh.. I feel your pain and I hope you trust it is valid. Have you tried any simple breathing exercises? Alternate nostril works pretty well to center and ground for me... perhaps it will for you too. 

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Hah. Guess I am not the only one. Of the things you mentioned, loneliness is the one thing that follows me my entire life. And you already know what kind of loneliness, the one that still persists even if you are in a crowd of people. Even if you are with your own family. Secluding myself and looking up things on my own became the norm in my life. It has led me to some interesting discoveries though. It brought me to this place, for one. On the other hand, many of the things I have seen, I can't see how I can discuss this with ordinary people. It feels like everyone else around me has this really, really narrow perception, that doesn't even let stuff outside of it in.... as if they are robots.

You can understand what I'm talking about, right? I can relate to people well on a surface level, have some light-hearted friendships with no commitments. But I am stiffled, absolutely terrified to go deeper than that and discover, that there is nothing inside, or that they are nothing like me.

Might be a ego thing. You go through so much shit, and discover, that you are nothing special? Eggs me on a bit, quite irritating. So it must be true. 😂 Maybe consider this angle too, that you disconnect yourself from other people because you want to add value to the miserable experience you had. Something to ponder about, for sure.

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7 hours ago, wanderlostkris said:

I am super thankful that you replied! I really understand the highs and lows.. balancing out my emotions has been a life long struggle. I totally agree about applying her teachings. I sometimes get lost in the work for hours because it takes so much focus and consistency. I struggle with ADD and this makes reading books a bit frustrating for me, so I haven't even started the Completion Process. I have been trying to get to a place of less resistance as well... but sometimes I worry about the fact that I am IN resistance and it sets of  anxiety. I have started laughing about how difficult it is to go through this... like in a state of surrender, making a joke out of it seems to help me a lot. Laughter in general helps.. but dry humor seems to do me best when I am in a low state... Sometimes I just feel like i am flying around in a whirlwind of chaos with no idea why I am trying.. but I have this fear of actually pursuing suicide so that is why I keep trying... I see synchronicities, and then I overthink them or get lost in my rational/logical mind by accident. Her work feels even harder when there is an absence of accountability partners, or people to hold space. That being said, I totally want you to know I validate your process, your feelings, and your path. I feel like we are in the right place, and I do feel it is possible that as painful and out of balance as you feel, it is a sign that whatever you are doing is working. She calls it Pandora's box for a reason. 😉 I don't have a lot of confidence in myself yet, and sometimes I can act like I know way more than I do, but I will say I am more than glad to keep talking with you and be a support system during your journey--as best i can. It is super nice to know you aren't alone when dealing with depression and deep healing work. I unintentionally cut myself off from people in my own shame and fear of rejection, and the "suicide cycle" as I like to refer to it in my own experience has been utterly unbearable at times. Blehh.. I feel your pain and I hope you trust it is valid. Have you tried any simple breathing exercises? Alternate nostril works pretty well to center and ground for me... perhaps it will for you too. 

Yay!! I’m glad you replied too!! I’m Becca, by the way. I’m 25, turning 26 in a few weeks. I’m a Capricorn, in case that interests you. What’s your sign? I completely relate to the ADD book reading. The only book of hers I’ve read all the way through is Sculptor In The Sky. I tend to begin them and struggle to apply then sort of give up. I usually get about half way. Watching videos and workshops is usually easier for me to absorb. Yes. I relate so so much to the resistance thing too. I over think the hell out of it and I don’t think I fully understand it yet. I think a lot of her teachings require logic for faith and somatic experience for true understanding and integration. I used to feel suicidal but now I fear dying without ever resolving my misery more than I fear living miserably. So maybe we can help each other with those concepts somehow. Can you tell me more about your suicide cycle? What are the repeated steps within the cycle that let you know you’re in it, and where are you in it currently? And no, I don’t do breathing exercises often. I find them uncomfortable. I know it would help though, so I will probably give it another go at some point. 

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13 hours ago, VelvetKitten said:

Yay!! I’m glad you replied too!! I’m Becca, by the way. I’m 25, turning 26 in a few weeks. I’m a Capricorn, in case that interests you. What’s your sign? I completely relate to the ADD book reading. The only book of hers I’ve read all the way through is Sculptor In The Sky. I tend to begin them and struggle to apply then sort of give up. I usually get about half way. Watching videos and workshops is usually easier for me to absorb. Yes. I relate so so much to the resistance thing too. I over think the hell out of it and I don’t think I fully understand it yet. I think a lot of her teachings require logic for faith and somatic experience for true understanding and integration. I used to feel suicidal but now I fear dying without ever resolving my misery more than I fear living miserably. So maybe we can help each other with those concepts somehow. Can you tell me more about your suicide cycle? What are the repeated steps within the cycle that let you know you’re in it, and where are you in it currently? And no, I don’t do breathing exercises often. I find them uncomfortable. I know it would help though, so I will probably give it another go at some point. 

Ahh wonderful! I am Kristin, I am 27 and I am a Cancer :) I love astrology. My rising sign is Aries, and my moon sign is Saggitarius. Haha I wonder if Teal will ever discuss her insight on ADD/ADHD and how it relates to her work.. because I am pretty sure it's a genetic trait/nervous system programming that is from ancient hunter/gatherer times and is hard to manage without consistent meditation or medication. I have done the meds from 8 years old to 13 and i just can't imagine doing any again. Yess overthinking is the pitts! I also can relate to the fear of dying without ever resolving the misery... sometimes I feel like if I end my life I will only get put back into the same dynamic next go-round--if reincarnation is a thing? I get frozen in the fear of taking the "right" first step into a totally new life... like how the hell do I develop faith and trust after being slammed into painful consequences over and over again from making decisions in the past from a place of scattered/worried impulsive spaces Gahhh. Lol. I laugh as I read how stressed and serious I sound about life. Random questions popping into my mind: What kinds of things do you like to do for fun? Any music interests? Do you have any creative forms of emotional expression? In answer to your question about the suicide cycle.. what normally happens is: I start thinking of and planning out steps in my head or on paper for how to get out of a current situation in ways that will cause the least amount of stress and overwhelm... for example: I make a trip to visit an area I want to move too, and then upon return I get myself pretty much all packed up to make a move so I can establish some sort of home base/roots/community... then I come up with 100 reasons why the move won't work, how I won't find a job, how I can't afford it, how i don't know how to make friends, how I lack confidence, and feel like a failure.... so I end up curled up back in my room at my parent's place just lost in the depths of this black hole that feels like the ocean floor... then ALL the suicide thoughts come, and I start imagining how I would do it and where... I start getting anxious about my thoughts and thinking I am losing my sanity.. I start getting paranoid and don't feel grounded...  I get lost in the emotions... then I snap out of it somehow but have no motivation to do anything further and get stuck in stagnancy and boredom/hopelessness. Ugh. I know.. sounds drab and dramatic... the cycle is just about to start over... I feel like it's at the beginning of a new one (New Moon coming up could be playing a part) normally the cycles last about 3 weeks. I can put on a face to peers and in town... but man at the bottom of my soul is just this sense of grief knowing that it isn't easy to just SHOW UP somewhere and have people be welcoming with open arms and community support... the work feels like a punishment sometimes that has me wanting to give in. I am just not really sure how to find a solution for the cycle. It feels really good to just be able to write all of this out and have someone be able to witness it... even if you don't have anything to say back (which I don't expect at all), I just appreciate you even showing interest in relating. Thank you. Truly. That alone makes me feel stronger in my own being. I have been to therapy, acupuncture, massage, meditations, yoga, SCIO machines, Rife machines, nutritionists, energy workers, shamans, island healers, family constellations, women's nature groups, etc. I made few friends, then lost the connections as I didn't make effort to continue friendship for fear of commitment or fucking up and being rejected. I feel like ALL these modalities helped SO MUCH especially when healing my physical body from many many ailments over the last year. I only started getting my energy and mental stability back in October. What about you? What are you currently facing that I might be able to give some insight or support with? 

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Sorry for the late response, I’ve been in a depressed hole the past day and slept most of the day yesterday because I got my period and had bad cramps/fatigue. Cool! My rising sign is Cancer, and my moon is Pisces! Omg I completely agree!!! I’ve submitted ask teal questions about add/adhd meds and what her take on the diagnosis is. I hope she speaks about it soon!! Yeah that makes sense. I’ve thought of it as an adaptation to our society’s demand to disown certain aspects of ourselves. It’s easier to do that when you’re distracted from what’s going on 30 seconds!! It probably does root much deeper than that though, with the hunter gatherer times. YES you are speaking my language. I’m the same with the “right” step thing. And all of that...sounds like you’re telling me about my own thought processes haha. Well I like to be outdoors, any kind of outdoor activities like hiking or kayaking. I don’t do them super often, but I do enjoy them when I do. I like painting and crafting, jewelry making, sewing. I want to learn to play ukulele. I love to dance. It’s my favorite form of creative expression. I hula hoop dance and also belly dance a little...I want to learn pole dancing but I’m not flexible and have a shoulder injury that I want to get checked out before I try that. I try to get into yoga but I only like it when I do classes. I have a hard time staying focused enough to do it on my own. I want to try Acro yoga. Oh and I love cats. I have a 7 year old Tortie named Cruton. She’s the light of my life. I rescued her as a kitten so I would have a reason to not commit suicide. She’s my soulmate. We’re very close and I think she understands how meaningful she is to me. She’s in my lap right now, and she says hi :3 lol. As for music...I like anything that relates to my mood. I’ve been listening to a lot of bluegrass and folk lately, but I love electronic music, both EDM and the slowbeat type, belly dance music, Lana Del Rey, Amy Winehouse, indie rock, some jazz, anything gypsy/fiddle ish, omnia, some rap, rock, Danzig, some metal, lots of stuff! What about you? What are your hobbies, musical tastes, and ways of creative expression? Ooh! Where do you want to live? I’m thinking of doing the same things, maybe Oregon or Washington for me. Just someplace with beautiful nature and milder winters. I’m currently in Illinois, which isn’t terrible, but I hate the winters here and my parents are moving to North Carolina in January, so I’ll be the last person in my family who’s stuck here. Yeah, I understand why you would decide not to do that. It’s hard to start over someplace new without any connections to anyone, especially when you have as much going on mentally/emotionally as you do. Finding regular connections is hard, much less deep, kindred ones. It doesn’t sound drab or dramatic. I go through a similar cycle. It is not easy to function or live like this. Something that has helped me look at it differently is to compare it more to a spiral than to a hamster running on an endless wheel of doom. Each time you complete the cycle, you meet with the same wounding that you met when you were last at that point. But you have still moved forward, learned things about yourself and the world around you, and made progress, even if it’s just the tiniest bit. Do you track your menstrual cycle? Maybe that could give you some insight too. I personally feel like my world is going to collapse the week before my period, then when I get it, I usually feel release. Sometimes a significant sigh of relief, sometimes barely anything. Yay!! Glad that this is helping you. It’s helping me too. What type of physical ailments have you had? Hmm well I’ve been trying to improve my vibration around money. I want financial freedom so I can focus on my mental heath. I want to find a good therapist. I’ve only had therapists who make me feel worse or like we’ve made no progress. I always feel judged by them. I’ve been trying to follow my bliss or whatever...it’s a long story so I’ll try to summarize it haha. so In april I moved to a bigger apartment with dance as my focus, because it’s the one thing I know for certain brings me joy. I moved there because it had a big living room with tile floors and plenty of space to hula hoop. But moving ended up being way more stressful than expected, I knew in my gut I shouldn’t have moved to this place but I did it anyway (I have a habit of doing that, it annoys the hell out of me but I don’t know how to stop) and it turned out I was wearing rose colored glasses when I made the decision. The place is kind of a shit hole, the landlord did not take good care of it and it was filthy dirty when I moved in. Like, caked on dust and dead roaches dirty. I bit off way more than I could chew and pretty much just avoided setting things up. I was dating a guy who was supportive but idk. Long story. Anyway fast forward a few months, I made the impulsive decision to quit my job at the hair salon I’d been working at for 7 years and open a salon suite even though I had cut back my hours at the salon to one day a week and had a very small clientele. I burned bridges with the owner of the salon by doing this. He was someone that felt like a father figure to me. So I stressed and grieved about that for a long time. It made it hard to move forward. I was even more depressed at this point. Then, in October the guy I was dating broke up with me out of the blue. I had a gut feeling we were wrong for each other but he was all I had. He was the only person I was emotionally close to who had any idea of what my inner world was like. So that was devastating. I was so destroyed I could barely move. I made a lot of bad financial decisions and ended up barely able to pay rent or eat. A friend of mine helped me out by trying to keep me social, she bought me groceries one week, etc. I’m still grieving my ex, and trying to figure out what the hell Im doing. I’m good at hair and I enjoy it sometimes, but it’s not who I am and it’s not my true passion. If someone told me that they would pay me to never do hair again I’d take that offer up in a heartbeat. I want to move out of Illinois but I don’t know where and don’t have the money to travel. I’m barely making ends meet right now and I hate it. Part of me wants to cancel my lease with the salon but it would be humiliating and I know the owners at my old salon want to see me fail. I don’t know how to follow my joy, I feel like every decision I make is wrong. It feels impossible to just focus on dance. I’m getting a roommate to help with bills and she’s moving in tomorrow. I’m really nervous about it. I’m afraid I’ll never feel a sense of peace because I’m anxious around everyone and I already have such a struggle to feel relief. I’ve thought of getting a tiny house to travel but I don’t know if I really want that. I don’t think I trust myself to know what I want on larger terms. I just know I want connection with people. I want a close best friend who understands what I’m going through and who is going through their own shit too. I want to go through this journey with someone. I’m sick of isolating myself. I want a companion. I’d give up everything to start new at this point. I am willing to put my all into connecting with someone and navigating life with someone. I do want a significant other again at some point, and a conscious community. But right now I really just want a secure friendship. Someone who would want to start new someplace with me. We could hold each other accountable to our authenticity and just be there for each other. It would be a fucking challenge but I think it would be worth it. Maybe if you and I feel right about it, we could start new someplace? Support each other and start a tribe? If you’re interested, we could start by texting and getting to know each other better, to see if it feels right. I will personal message you my number if you’d like.

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On 12/3/2018 at 12:22 AM, Han Solo said:

Hah. Guess I am not the only one. Of the things you mentioned, loneliness is the one thing that follows me my entire life. And you already know what kind of loneliness, the one that still persists even if you are in a crowd of people. Even if you are with your own family. Secluding myself and looking up things on my own became the norm in my life. It has led me to some interesting discoveries though. It brought me to this place, for one. On the other hand, many of the things I have seen, I can't see how I can discuss this with ordinary people. It feels like everyone else around me has this really, really narrow perception, that doesn't even let stuff outside of it in.... as if they are robots.

You can understand what I'm talking about, right? I can relate to people well on a surface level, have some light-hearted friendships with no commitments. But I am stiffled, absolutely terrified to go deeper than that and discover, that there is nothing inside, or that they are nothing like me.

Might be a ego thing. You go through so much shit, and discover, that you are nothing special? Eggs me on a bit, quite irritating. So it must be true. 😂 Maybe consider this angle too, that you disconnect yourself from other people because you want to add value to the miserable experience you had. Something to ponder about, for sure.

Hey! Sorry for my delayed response. I was out trying to do the "Adulting" thing. I've been pretty down the last few days too. Loneliness sucks. I feel desperate for connection but terrified to let people in. I agree that the isolation helps with discoveries such as Teal's work. I TOTALLY understand you about not knowing how to relate or discuss things with people who just don't go that deep.. I wish I could figure out how to make and keep friends who want to be as real but also understand the struggles with not knowing how to connect. I keep telling myself there HAS to be a reason, a point, a solution, an alternative.... I wish there were more communities like Teal's intentional one. IF you feel like you want to go deeper with that and be my friend, I am here! I think it is really important to know you aren't alone.. doesn't make the experience any easier... but just know I feel very similar. 

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On 12/6/2018 at 8:42 AM, VelvetKitten said:

Sorry for the late response, I’ve been in a depressed hole the past day and slept most of the day yesterday because I got my period and had bad cramps/fatigue. Cool! My rising sign is Cancer, and my moon is Pisces! Omg I completely agree!!! I’ve submitted ask teal questions about add/adhd meds and what her take on the diagnosis is. I hope she speaks about it soon!! Yeah that makes sense. I’ve thought of it as an adaptation to our society’s demand to disown certain aspects of ourselves. It’s easier to do that when you’re distracted from what’s going on 30 seconds!! It probably does root much deeper than that though, with the hunter gatherer times. YES you are speaking my language. I’m the same with the “right” step thing. And all of that...sounds like you’re telling me about my own thought processes haha. Well I like to be outdoors, any kind of outdoor activities like hiking or kayaking. I don’t do them super often, but I do enjoy them when I do. I like painting and crafting, jewelry making, sewing. I want to learn to play ukulele. I love to dance. It’s my favorite form of creative expression. I hula hoop dance and also belly dance a little...I want to learn pole dancing but I’m not flexible and have a shoulder injury that I want to get checked out before I try that. I try to get into yoga but I only like it when I do classes. I have a hard time staying focused enough to do it on my own. I want to try Acro yoga. Oh and I love cats. I have a 7 year old Tortie named Cruton. She’s the light of my life. I rescued her as a kitten so I would have a reason to not commit suicide. She’s my soulmate. We’re very close and I think she understands how meaningful she is to me. She’s in my lap right now, and she says hi :3 lol. As for music...I like anything that relates to my mood. I’ve been listening to a lot of bluegrass and folk lately, but I love electronic music, both EDM and the slowbeat type, belly dance music, Lana Del Rey, Amy Winehouse, indie rock, some jazz, anything gypsy/fiddle ish, omnia, some rap, rock, Danzig, some metal, lots of stuff! What about you? What are your hobbies, musical tastes, and ways of creative expression? Ooh! Where do you want to live? I’m thinking of doing the same things, maybe Oregon or Washington for me. Just someplace with beautiful nature and milder winters. I’m currently in Illinois, which isn’t terrible, but I hate the winters here and my parents are moving to North Carolina in January, so I’ll be the last person in my family who’s stuck here. Yeah, I understand why you would decide not to do that. It’s hard to start over someplace new without any connections to anyone, especially when you have as much going on mentally/emotionally as you do. Finding regular connections is hard, much less deep, kindred ones. It doesn’t sound drab or dramatic. I go through a similar cycle. It is not easy to function or live like this. Something that has helped me look at it differently is to compare it more to a spiral than to a hamster running on an endless wheel of doom. Each time you complete the cycle, you meet with the same wounding that you met when you were last at that point. But you have still moved forward, learned things about yourself and the world around you, and made progress, even if it’s just the tiniest bit. Do you track your menstrual cycle? Maybe that could give you some insight too. I personally feel like my world is going to collapse the week before my period, then when I get it, I usually feel release. Sometimes a significant sigh of relief, sometimes barely anything. Yay!! Glad that this is helping you. It’s helping me too. What type of physical ailments have you had? Hmm well I’ve been trying to improve my vibration around money. I want financial freedom so I can focus on my mental heath. I want to find a good therapist. I’ve only had therapists who make me feel worse or like we’ve made no progress. I always feel judged by them. I’ve been trying to follow my bliss or whatever...it’s a long story so I’ll try to summarize it haha. so In april I moved to a bigger apartment with dance as my focus, because it’s the one thing I know for certain brings me joy. I moved there because it had a big living room with tile floors and plenty of space to hula hoop. But moving ended up being way more stressful than expected, I knew in my gut I shouldn’t have moved to this place but I did it anyway (I have a habit of doing that, it annoys the hell out of me but I don’t know how to stop) and it turned out I was wearing rose colored glasses when I made the decision. The place is kind of a shit hole, the landlord did not take good care of it and it was filthy dirty when I moved in. Like, caked on dust and dead roaches dirty. I bit off way more than I could chew and pretty much just avoided setting things up. I was dating a guy who was supportive but idk. Long story. Anyway fast forward a few months, I made the impulsive decision to quit my job at the hair salon I’d been working at for 7 years and open a salon suite even though I had cut back my hours at the salon to one day a week and had a very small clientele. I burned bridges with the owner of the salon by doing this. He was someone that felt like a father figure to me. So I stressed and grieved about that for a long time. It made it hard to move forward. I was even more depressed at this point. Then, in October the guy I was dating broke up with me out of the blue. I had a gut feeling we were wrong for each other but he was all I had. He was the only person I was emotionally close to who had any idea of what my inner world was like. So that was devastating. I was so destroyed I could barely move. I made a lot of bad financial decisions and ended up barely able to pay rent or eat. A friend of mine helped me out by trying to keep me social, she bought me groceries one week, etc. I’m still grieving my ex, and trying to figure out what the hell Im doing. I’m good at hair and I enjoy it sometimes, but it’s not who I am and it’s not my true passion. If someone told me that they would pay me to never do hair again I’d take that offer up in a heartbeat. I want to move out of Illinois but I don’t know where and don’t have the money to travel. I’m barely making ends meet right now and I hate it. Part of me wants to cancel my lease with the salon but it would be humiliating and I know the owners at my old salon want to see me fail. I don’t know how to follow my joy, I feel like every decision I make is wrong. It feels impossible to just focus on dance. I’m getting a roommate to help with bills and she’s moving in tomorrow. I’m really nervous about it. I’m afraid I’ll never feel a sense of peace because I’m anxious around everyone and I already have such a struggle to feel relief. I’ve thought of getting a tiny house to travel but I don’t know if I really want that. I don’t think I trust myself to know what I want on larger terms. I just know I want connection with people. I want a close best friend who understands what I’m going through and who is going through their own shit too. I want to go through this journey with someone. I’m sick of isolating myself. I want a companion. I’d give up everything to start new at this point. I am willing to put my all into connecting with someone and navigating life with someone. I do want a significant other again at some point, and a conscious community. But right now I really just want a secure friendship. Someone who would want to start new someplace with me. We could hold each other accountable to our authenticity and just be there for each other. It would be a fucking challenge but I think it would be worth it. Maybe if you and I feel right about it, we could start new someplace? Support each other and start a tribe? If you’re interested, we could start by texting and getting to know each other better, to see if it feels right. I will personal message you my number if you’d like.

I am so sorry for my delay. I have been trying to "adult" and look for places to live and checking out some schools in a different city the past few days. Wow! First off... let me just say I have so much compassion for you and just felt so much pain and grief as I imagined how you must be feeling during these times :( so hard.. You are so incredibly strong for dealing with all of that.  My gosh that sounds stressful. I am so thankful you have your kitty ❤️ I say hello back to Cruton (cutest name)! As I was reading your message I was just like...this sounds so similar to my life story too (different, but so similar in so many ways). I have been saying the same thing as you.. I just want a friend. A secure friend who get's it... who knows this struggle and would be a support system to at least hold space and understands the commitment issues and fears and anxieties I have but would hold me accountable and call me out too when I mess up. I really struggle with letting people in. My life has consisted of relationship trauma since birth lol. I have struggled with getting the right help with mental health providers as well. I came into a large inheritance at 24 with no clue how to spend or manage money and so when I graduated University I quit my jobs and went traveling (right after an intense abusive relationship breakup) to find myself and run away from my problems.. and try to get a grip on my mind. I had some health issues already and used the inheritance to try and heal my body and mind through soooo many different modalities. I still haven't had a period in 16 months. I was able to take care of a lot of my health needs over the last 3 years but now I am back to a low spot and wondering how to manifest finances as well... I had such depression and anxiety and chronic fatigue, heavy metal toxicity, mold toxicity, Lyme's disease symptoms, GI problems... etc. I wasn't able to hardly move out of bed for six months.. I wasn't sleeping more than 2 hours a night for like 8 months... gahh 2017 was so so rough.. it just improved  significantly in October this year... but now I spent most of the money I got and am starting to live off my savings account which scares me as I don't want to be reliant on family much longer for housing. I pay for all my other bills and it's just so expensive. Ugh. Housing these days is wild. I have been so low and hopeless that I kind of just stopped living.. scared of life.. scared if I start enjoying life I will just have it all wiped away again. My parents have animals at their house which helps for therapy.. but the parents aren't great for my emotional/mental health or self esteem so being here long term is a sure fire way to go back into hell.

Anyway.. I totally get it. I just want a close friend for this journey too. I seriously sit in my room at my parent's house now trying to make progress but just so unsure of my next steps. I have been checking out different cities: Santa Fe, Bend, Portland. I just got back from Bend. It is BEAUTIFUL there. Sometimes it feels like the Universe is throwing me around in this vortex of chaos that won't sort itself. I need to meditate and connect to the earth. I LOVE being outside, its just cold during Winter here too so I get a bit stuffed inside and don't have much community at all.  I am in OREGON! So funny you would mention the State! I would love to keep talking and send you my phone number :) Do I send it over this thread or is there a way to private message you? You can follow me on instagram too: it's kriselisabeth17. I LOVE hoop dancing but i JUST started. Dancing is my favorite form of expression as well. i LOVE painting (i am not trained, but love abstract and expressionism with acrylic and watercolor). I was just thinking of how I want to learn pole dancing as well... but it looks sooo hard haha. I want a healthy expression for anger and frustration so I think boxing or qi gong would be a good start. I enjoy poetry, writing, and photography too. I am a certified Reiki master and have some training in Pranic healing. I have been considering massage therapy school for a while. Music is amazing. You have such cool diverse tastes! I love jazz/blues, 70's, ethnic chillstep, drumstep, chillbient, drumming, EDM, indie, classical, idk.. I have such a wide variety of interests in music :) 

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Also, I understand the feeling of being humiliated by others who want to see you fail.. this is such a shitty feeling when you are so sensitive to begin with. I know people say "it doesn't matter what other people think of you, they are only projecting their own bull shit on you and it is easy for them to spit out hate because they don't want to deal with their own shit" but it still hurts. It is awkward. Traumatizing. If you don't know or feel backed up by people who "get you" and your decisions, it makes it that much harder to do what you actaully WANT to do deep in your soul. I support you!

Oh! AND I forgot to respond as well that I hope that your new roomie is nice and doesn't bring about more anxiety. I love your tiny house idea! I often think about trading my car in on a van, or living in an intentional community in an Earthship/Cobb house. I love building with natural materials. Sorry if I didn't respond to everything you wrote. I promise i read it all :)

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You are not alone. Probably, most everyone here has suffered a great deal. But suffering is the "great motivator" for spiritual transformation. I would not have attained the spiritual heights I am at now, without all the suffering I went through.

Even now I am struggling with Anxiety and Panic Attacks. So spirituality is not a cure for suffering. But it is a cure for our existential suffering. It allows our mind to be at peace with our suffering.

My advice is to turn your pain into your power! Realize, no matter how much pain you are in, the pain can't harm you. Look deeply into your pain and be unconditionally present with it, so that you no longer fear it!

This may feel like walking into the eye of the storm, but that's exactly the mentality you should have to be unconditionally present with the pain you are in.

Speaking of which, here's a good Ask Teal to relate with:

https://youtu.be/UvglEmkhpzY

Edited by Broken_Mirror33
grammatical; add content

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Honestly, for me, "walking" into my pain feels like grabbing hold of a high voltage electric current--it short circuits the pain, because I no longer fear it (i.e. I'm no longer resisting!).

😉

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On 12/8/2018 at 4:06 AM, wanderlostkris said:

Hey! Sorry for my delayed response. I was out trying to do the "Adulting" thing. I've been pretty down the last few days too. Loneliness sucks. I feel desperate for connection but terrified to let people in. I agree that the isolation helps with discoveries such as Teal's work. I TOTALLY understand you about not knowing how to relate or discuss things with people who just don't go that deep.. I wish I could figure out how to make and keep friends who want to be as real but also understand the struggles with not knowing how to connect. I keep telling myself there HAS to be a reason, a point, a solution, an alternative.... I wish there were more communities like Teal's intentional one. IF you feel like you want to go deeper with that and be my friend, I am here! I think it is really important to know you aren't alone.. doesn't make the experience any easier... but just know I feel very similar. 

Glad to have you here! 😉 I really do appreciate that you can relate to me, on one hand, I wish it didn't have come to this point in the first place, but on the other, I am glad that you are here with me. I am learning more and more about this condition, now imbued with this new awareness. I want to find resolution, and I think you want too. I'll gladly accept your friendship, I am excited to get to know you better! I do think you are a really kind person, and the warmth you give me I would like to give in return aswell. 😁

You know, it makes me wonder, why do we land in these positions in the first place? Why is it that we go through this insane journey of suffering and discovery, when others seem to find connection with such ease?

And I am pondering about the role of vulnerability. I'll take your quote here:

On 12/8/2018 at 5:03 AM, wanderlostkris said:

Also, I understand the feeling of being humiliated by others who want to see you fail.. this is such a shitty feeling when you are so sensitive to begin with. I know people say "it doesn't matter what other people think of you, they are only projecting their own bull shit on you and it is easy for them to spit out hate because they don't want to deal with their own shit" but it still hurts. It is awkward. Traumatizing. If you don't know or feel backed up by people who "get you" and your decisions, it makes it that much harder to do what you actaully WANT to do deep in your soul. I support you!

I have been thinking about this for a while. We care what other people say, because we feel connected to them. Teal says we are all one at a certain universal level, and considering that, the person you are facing is also a part of you. So if we are to actually stop caring, we have to disconnect ourselves from this shared bond. Also according to Teal, men are really prone to doing that, especially in regards to warfare. So what I take away from that is, that if we disconnect ourselves, we do that to stop feeling pain. We are closing off our vulnerability. But by doing that, we also block off intimacy with everyone else. We become shells, that take on a certain character that act instead of our true selves. I think this is what is going on today. We don't actually want to stop caring what other people think. But we want the authentic thought, and not the fake acting one.

Is it perhaps this reason, that we are having trouble with connection? We learned to see through these facades, and we didn't want to waste time playing an act in this stage... we wanted to have true authenticity...?

What do you think?

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On 12/7/2018 at 9:53 PM, wanderlostkris said:

I am so sorry for my delay. I have been trying to "adult" and look for places to live and checking out some schools in a different city the past few days. Wow! First off... let me just say I have so much compassion for you and just felt so much pain and grief as I imagined how you must be feeling during these times :( so hard.. You are so incredibly strong for dealing with all of that.  My gosh that sounds stressful. I am so thankful you have your kitty ❤️ I say hello back to Cruton (cutest name)! As I was reading your message I was just like...this sounds so similar to my life story too (different, but so similar in so many ways). I have been saying the same thing as you.. I just want a friend. A secure friend who get's it... who knows this struggle and would be a support system to at least hold space and understands the commitment issues and fears and anxieties I have but would hold me accountable and call me out too when I mess up. I really struggle with letting people in. My life has consisted of relationship trauma since birth lol. I have struggled with getting the right help with mental health providers as well. I came into a large inheritance at 24 with no clue how to spend or manage money and so when I graduated University I quit my jobs and went traveling (right after an intense abusive relationship breakup) to find myself and run away from my problems.. and try to get a grip on my mind. I had some health issues already and used the inheritance to try and heal my body and mind through soooo many different modalities. I still haven't had a period in 16 months. I was able to take care of a lot of my health needs over the last 3 years but now I am back to a low spot and wondering how to manifest finances as well... I had such depression and anxiety and chronic fatigue, heavy metal toxicity, mold toxicity, Lyme's disease symptoms, GI problems... etc. I wasn't able to hardly move out of bed for six months.. I wasn't sleeping more than 2 hours a night for like 8 months... gahh 2017 was so so rough.. it just improved  significantly in October this year... but now I spent most of the money I got and am starting to live off my savings account which scares me as I don't want to be reliant on family much longer for housing. I pay for all my other bills and it's just so expensive. Ugh. Housing these days is wild. I have been so low and hopeless that I kind of just stopped living.. scared of life.. scared if I start enjoying life I will just have it all wiped away again. My parents have animals at their house which helps for therapy.. but the parents aren't great for my emotional/mental health or self esteem so being here long term is a sure fire way to go back into hell.

Anyway.. I totally get it. I just want a close friend for this journey too. I seriously sit in my room at my parent's house now trying to make progress but just so unsure of my next steps. I have been checking out different cities: Santa Fe, Bend, Portland. I just got back from Bend. It is BEAUTIFUL there. Sometimes it feels like the Universe is throwing me around in this vortex of chaos that won't sort itself. I need to meditate and connect to the earth. I LOVE being outside, its just cold during Winter here too so I get a bit stuffed inside and don't have much community at all.  I am in OREGON! So funny you would mention the State! I would love to keep talking and send you my phone number :) Do I send it over this thread or is there a way to private message you? You can follow me on instagram too: it's kriselisabeth17. I LOVE hoop dancing but i JUST started. Dancing is my favorite form of expression as well. i LOVE painting (i am not trained, but love abstract and expressionism with acrylic and watercolor). I was just thinking of how I want to learn pole dancing as well... but it looks sooo hard haha. I want a healthy expression for anger and frustration so I think boxing or qi gong would be a good start. I enjoy poetry, writing, and photography too. I am a certified Reiki master and have some training in Pranic healing. I have been considering massage therapy school for a while. Music is amazing. You have such cool diverse tastes! I love jazz/blues, 70's, ethnic chillstep, drumstep, chillbient, drumming, EDM, indie, classical, idk.. I have such a wide variety of interests in music :) 

I understand! Thank you 🌹. Well, maybe an online friendship is a good place for both of us to start then! It’s slightly less scary than meeting in person. I’ll message you on Instagram with my number, then we can continue this conversation! 🐒🦒

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