Recommended Posts

Disorganized Attachment

Hi Teal and all! :)

Teal, I'm hoping you can expand more on disorganized attachment style?

I watched the video from the Stockholm workshop (link) where you talk about anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment styles. However, I don't quite understand the difference between the conditions that lead to avoidant and disorganized attachment styles. From what I understand, both are caused by giving up your personal truth and instead taking on the values, boundaries etc of the parent, so as to gain closeness. 

Having watched a lot of your videos and reflecting on my own life, I feel that I was "the golden child", meaning, abandoned my personal truth and identified completely with my parents' values, and was truly convinced that I am genuinely just like them. (now that I think of it - maybe the difference between what causes avoidant/disorganized attachment is whether or not you yourself believe the identity you adopted as being the same as your parents?... not sure..). The thing is, watching that video from the Stockholm workshop I was deeply identifying with all 3 conditions. So I'm assuming it means I have disorganized attachment style. But again, very unclear about the difference in what's causing it, since both them and the avoidants give up their truth and become "the perfect child" according to the parents' standards.

I'd love to hear if someone understands it more clearly and can shed some light on this topic. Would especially like to gain some momentum for this question so that Teal realizes there is an asking for it. Would you guys like to have an Ask Teal episode on that?

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would love to hear more about all of the three dynamics as well, especially the disorganized attachment.

After watching the same video, I found myself having relationship patterns of both attachment styles and came to conclusion that I probably have the disorganize attachment. 

When I was a child and up until 2-3 years ago, the "golden child" dynamic dominated everything else (extremely narcissistic father); and when (about 3 years ago) I started to express my true self bit by bit... the dynamic drastically changed to the abandoned child one, even though I, of course, had a lot left from the "golden child" dynamic. 

In romantic relationships I have had so far I could not clearly identify myself or the parters as being one or the other (avoidant / anxious) person. I definitely dissolve myself almost completely in the other's person needs and desires, but at the same time I am definitely not the one who controls the relationship... I feel like I never know how to please them and what are "the things that make them stay" because they always leave with no clear reason... It is extremely hurtful and confusing.

Teal, if you ever read this, please consider making a video about disorganized attachment dynamic and how we should heal ourselves. 

The Stockholm video was truly one of the most eyeopening videos of yours I have seen (for me personally).

♥️ Love you and your work,

Polina 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

People make things so much more complicated than they actually are.

Unless your parents are serial killers or cannibals, stop complaining about your parents.

Some people have actually lived through crap like that and turned out better than thier parents. They didn't watch Teal videos to accomplish that, they just TURNED OUT better because they recognized it. It's easy as hell. That's called normal improvement.

You don't need to sever yourself from your family JUST because your mom is annoying and your dad is an asshole. Stop judging your parents so much. Your kids will hate you just the same if you have such a bad attitude about your own family. Just relax and stop judging yourself and everyone around you. RELAX. There is no need to overhaul your entire psychological makeup. 

 

 

 

  • Sad 1
  • Downvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/20/2018 at 11:53 PM, MistaRender said:

People make things so much more complicated than they actually are.

Unless your parents are serial killers or cannibals, stop complaining about your parents.

Some people have actually lived through crap like that and turned out better than thier parents. They didn't watch Teal videos to accomplish that, they just TURNED OUT better because they recognized it. It's easy as hell. That's called normal improvement.

You don't need to sever yourself from your family JUST because your mom is annoying and your dad is an asshole. Stop judging your parents so much. Your kids will hate you just the same if you have such a bad attitude about your own family. Just relax and stop judging yourself and everyone around you. RELAX. There is no need to overhaul your entire psychological makeup. 

 

 

 

I feel very bad after reading your response. You have no right to evaluate my entire life and tell me how I should feel. You don't know anything about what I went through. 

It really hurts to be sent to "relax" when your entire life is falling apart. 

And yes, I do get to feel sorry for myself. This is a huge step for me. If you are not ready to do this with yourself and therefore telling others to do the same, please keep it to yourself. It hurts.

  • Like 5
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This was an incredible video, I agree 

I have different behaviors in relationships. Sometimes I am the avoidant one, which gives control of the level of smothering and a fake boundary that I need to not give myself up. Sometimes I give myself up entirely. I think these are both tools. My traumatic background has me seeing myself as a commodity, something to be perfected as an offering. I was celibate and single for 12 years to perfect this offering. On the one hand, I want to give this offering to the perfect person (who doesn't exist) in exchange for love and security/protection. On the other hand, I see people as wanting to take from me- especially sexually, and I resent that. If I'm with a narcissist, I'm miss perfect and I chase, however subtly. Then I expect perfection. When these narcissists fail me, I explode and voice all my disappointments when I break up with them for their cheating. I also have had avoidance in relationships, and 12 years of celibacy lol. When people move towards me, I tend to avoid. I met someone who I had a really great spiritual connection with fairly recently, and I shut down and ran. I think I use the tool that fits the situation. Now I want to just love myself, feel secure, and finally enjoy a healthy relationship with myself and with one person someday. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.