CandiceHolland

How do I appreciate me?

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How do I appreciate me?

What are the things that give me a reason to appreciate myself? I have been ashamed since I was first able to feel that way. If there is something I can be proud of, I find someway that it's not worth appreciation. Like if I completed a term in school with high grades, I feel proud but I don't appreciate my work to get the high marks. I feel as if I could have done better and if I had more time I would have passed that one class with better grades. In doing that I downplay the classes I did do better in. I want to find a way to allow myself to appreciate me.

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I feel that women feel appreciation the most for their creativity. It is an everyday art that once mastered needs to be seen by many others, beyond family and friends. 

A woman that feels like she has nothing to show suffers immensely on different levels because it often looks like she is constantly apologizing for everything instead of being proud for what she has already:

"No, I can't wear bikini... need to loose a few pounds..."

"If I knew guests were coming, I'd....."

"Didn't plant flowers this year, because XYZ..."

What's bad is that new age perpetuates this pain by calling it "authenticity" or # real life 

Feeling pride is important. Things can only get better from there. But for that a woman needs to feel confident in her choices, not questioning and second guessing every move.

A woman that feels proud of what she has, flourishes even more when she shows and/or shares it with others. Admiration for her creativity is fuel necessary for continuing doing what she does. The questioning/guessing dissapppears and shs begins to see the picture of where she is going. 

The happiest women I know are those who were able to polish their craft to such beautiful level that it began to support them back financially. 

Appreciation/financial support often starts and gradually continues to flow from like-minded women. Women naturally drawn to what they resonate the most. If you don't believe me, walk into any beauty salon and see what they do there! Okay... I see men rolling their eyes on me... "How much does it take to look beautiful.... blah-blah- blah.."    Well... look into statistics... Apparently beauty coasts enough to make a living off of it! A good businessman will tell you that if you can get women come through your door, men will follow💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲

The way a man feels appreciation is different. My guess is that appreciation has a lot to do with his sense of accomplishment and the trophy or title he gets for it. For ex, the work he does VS money he gets for it.

That is not to say that men don't enjoy showing off. Of course, they do. Instagram is just as popular among men as among women.... But how often do you think men support each other fairly?... Hmm... not for me to answer this question.... all I can say is that it surely takes strong balls to come out of your own skin first.

 

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Shame is often indicative of bad parenting. Those who suffer from feelings of deep shame and humiliation most likely didn't have proper parenting or worse parenting than those who never feel deeply ashamed. I'm sure everyone has met a person who turns beat red if you shame them or puts their head down and cowers whenever they're ashamed. It's also indicative of severe narcissistic pathology.

All the pathological liars I've met all have a tendency of feeling a very deep sense of shame. One I remember in highschool even earned the nickname of "Shamus," because we figured out shaming or humiliating him was the only way to get him to stop lying! Humiliation is to a narcissist as Kryptonite is to Superman. Most people or those who receive proper parenting through their adolescent years grow out of this narcissistic phase, but if they don't they become a Donald Trump. (Ever hear the phrase: The Devil can't stand laughter. Well, it's not joy, but humiliation the Devil can't stand.)

What I mean by that is that they're the type of person that has a meltdown whenever they don't get what they want. Now you can humiliate a narcissist to get back at them, but this inflicts a narcissistic wound or injury on them. A narcissist that is wounded will also do everything in their power to take revenge on the person that wounded them. Again, think of Donald Trump--he sues just about everybody he has a problem with. Narcissists are also notoriously easy to wound.

The point being, these people never grow out of their feelings of deep shame. If these "wounds" aren't healed by the time they're an adult, they'll most likely never heal. Now, the examples I've given are rather on the extreme end of the spectrum. It in no way implies you are a malignant narcissist. The reason being, the bar for a malignant, pathological narcissist is set so high it's all but reserved for serial killers. Donald Trump most likely doesn't even qualify, although there are many people out there who would want to paint him as such. We can call him a narcissist in the general sense, however. (Or at least until proven otherwise.)

Simply put, a narcissist is someone with a "shame-based" personality. Those who suffer from feelings of deep shame are subject to narcissistic pathology (at least, on some level). Of course, the number of narcissistic traits an individual has indicates the level of severity. An individual with 3 or more traits are extremely rare, but I think it's quite common to find people with one or two. (You know, just throw a stone and you'll probably hit 10 of them.)

My advice is that if you can't appreciate yourself, find someone who does. There are a lot of people in the same predicament, you are not alone. Let your self-worth not be determined by how much you appreciate yourself, but by how much you are appreciated by others. (I mean, just look at how many people appreciate Donald Trump... you gotta be able to find like one or two, lol! Joking!)

Edited by Broken_Mirror33
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On 11/24/2018 at 7:30 AM, Broken_Mirror33 said:

The point being, these people never grow out of their feelings of deep shame. If these "wounds" aren't healed by the time they're an adult, they'll most likely never heal. 

My advice is that if you can't appreciate yourself, find someone who does. 

 Let your self-worth not be determined by how much you appreciate yourself, but by how much you are appreciated by others.

I agree with a lot of what you've said, however, I feel that it's a truly sad thing to believe that people cannot change their old ways of thinking and feeling.  I've been working on shadow work for a while now, and have shame included in that.  And yes, we are not alone, but the truth is that the treatment we recieved at the hands of our parents reflects within us.  We emulate and self hate, the same as THEY have. It is a cycle, and it CAN be stopped. 

@CandiceHolland

It's admirable in and of itself that you are trying to find appreciation for yourself, especially when coming from having shame and resistence.  Personally, I think that the very issue of shame and self hate finds it's root in how we valued the opinion and judgement of others (including our parents) over our own. We learned that our opinion was invalid, and so could not create a stronger sense of self.  The only approval to be had was from others.  That means that your value became what you could provide for others or do. Not who you are.  That's the "norm" of society, and completely in contrast to what's real and authentic!  It sets you up for suffering (being contrast by nature).  In the end, your value lies in you being yourself.  Your particular desires and needs, your gifts and way of supporting others by simply being yourself, and authentic enough to joyfully do what you love. (If you haven't seen Teal's video about "What Kind of Supportive Are You", I'd recommend watching it.)  That's how we are meant to interact with each other and connect.  Those of us with shame came from parents who came from parents (etc.) who couldn't find approval in their parents.  But that's NOT because of being flawed, it's from barking up the wrong tree!  If you are in shame, it's hard to find much in the world and others to appreciate.  Our parents were like that, and not ready to give us the validation we all needed so desperately.  But knowing all of this allows you to choose consciously how to think in a more beneficial way.  When ready, you can revel in all of those aspects you love about yourself, and gradually love even those you've rejected in the past as you release resistence with questioning your old core beliefs. Teal has videos about these things which help.  *hugs* One step at a time, find and list the things you can comfortably say you like about yourself. (Things you feel and actually believe).  And don't let what others say stop you from liking something if it feels authentic and joyous. :)

Edited by Daveeda
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Thank you Daveeda! That was very helpful and supportive :) I always felt, since I was the youngest of four and born much later than the others, that my parents didn't care or appreciate me as much as my siblings. Not because I was worse off or unworthy but because I was unintended. So, as you can guess I had two 'unintended' births with two people who didn't appreciate or care for me or them. The cycle continued. I am 26 now and lived a lot of my life feeling this way. Not intended. I have many great skills and qualities that others would love to embody. I struggle with finding meaning and appreciation for these things because 'whats the point? I was unintended'. I think things such as 'Others who WeRE intended have these same qualities' so mine couldn't match up with theirs because I was too late. And unintended.  

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You are most welcome. :)  And thank you for posting/reaching out to connect/doing the work to be authentic! 

 

Ah, the world mirror..  can't get away from it no matter how hard you resist. Hahah 😉

 

Hmm.  Well what comes to mind in regards to "being unintended", is that it's time to make friends with the fact that things are never actually controlled by the resistant and avoidant ego.  People "intend" to become parents and try to control things a lot of the time out of a backdoor attempt to fill their needs.  But if you recognize what power really is and how thoughts manifest, then that sort of thing falls away; because empowerment, as a part of being authentic, comes with going directly for your needs (and identifying what they are before that).    ..(And I apologize, if I'm not being clear on this), but what it comes down to, is taking back your power and responsibility.  And doing it because YOU want to.  Not choosing, thinking or acting based on somebody else who couldn't bring themselves to think things through and do the same in an authentic way.  It's going after your wants and needs directly, and consciously, because they'll make you feel better. :) (And just because you have a skill in common doesnt mean that YOUR way of doing whatever it is, is any less valuable or valid than any other's.  Its YOUR way, and THAT is what makes it valid and valuable; because your value lies in who you are, not what you do.)  It's time to question those old core thoughts and replace them with those that feel better to think.. your "I'm unintended" sounds like "I'm undesirable", and reminds me of my core negative thought of "I'm unacceptable."  But questioning those goes a long way with perseverence.  Teal suggests doing "The Work" from Byron Katie, and it works well for me.. (along with finding mental proof to contradict those old thoughts).

Edited by Daveeda

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