Polina

Codependent Mom Codependent Daughter (How to Resolve)

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Codependent Mom Codependent Daughter (How to Resolve)

Hello,

I am in a really bad place right now; I feel like every Teal's video I've watched for the past couple of years applies to me, from the lack of self-love and fear of people to codependency and resistance to committing to anything in my life. I am 22 years old; grew up (as I only recently realized) in a house with a narcissist (dad) and a codependent (mom). I will try to keep it short... I am the "good" child , who could always comply and do whatever was asked and needed. I am an extreme perfectionist and get myself "dissolved" in other people. I fear true connection and people in general. All my life I tried to be perfect; only 3 years ago started rediscovering my true self, and of course when I did, parents resisted, in every imaginable way. I also had a brother, he was the other "type" of a child in our "family" - the scape goat. He was never able to get love by being perfect; he just wasn't complying to my parent's standards in most of the ways. My brother committed suicide this summer. He was 16. It is a true tragedy for me. He was the only person who loved me. He was wonderful and talented. Extremely sweet and funny. My words can't describe how much I miss him.

Right now im in the "transition" phase, as Teal says. The phase when you lost everything, became aware (at least to some degree) of who you may be and cannot eat the crap you've been fed your entire life anymore; on the other side of this hell I should probably be seeing a rainbow, but can't really get a glance at it yet.  It can be really dark here... No one is here for you to understand and accept. I am so lucky to have at least a couple of people who at least accept some aspects of me.

Besides a ton of things I am struggling with right now, I have a really hard time keeping a relationship with my mom (haven't  talked to dad for some months since my brother passed away). Since she is a codependent and just recently divorced my dad (narcissist at his core), she possesses this idea that she is the GOOD one, and he is the BAD one, which couldn't be further from the truth. I get in fights with her every freaking day. She doesn't accept me. And I feel it from her every day, in her every word. Although she says she loves me, I don't f feel it. I blame her and my dad for the loss of brother to some degree, but of course don't express this stuff. When I get into arguments with her about how I feel and what I want and what is happening, I feel like I cannot express myself fully (even though I have been under emotional abuse my entire life I am having a very very hard time explaining what has ACTUALLY HAPPENED and what's "wrong" with her - I think this is because I don't even know what should be there instead of the hell I experienced). I just feel like I constantly owe her something; like I am never good enough; like she is lying; like she is playing (even though my entire like I believed my parents are the best and I am in such a good place). I feel like I have no energy to try to dig into my childhood and explain every detail to her. I just want Teal to come and show her the truth to be honest... I so relate to most of Teal's videos. Every time I watch a video on ANY "problem" or "disorder" I recognize myself and my parents. It's freeing and extremely scary at the same time. I want to just download this information to her brain, but don't know how to. I want her to feel my deepest pain, but on the other hand know she is so different and will never understand. She thinks that she's THE VICTIM. A part of me loves her, and a part of me hates her so freaking much. I am angry and hopeless, fearful and lost. 

I am very sorry for such long paragraphs... I would never be able to write everything that has happened and express how I feel.

My question:

She now wants to get a psychiatrist to resolve our regular conflicts. I feel that it will never be resolved. I feel like if it's not Teal, no one will ever understand this dynamic. A part of me wants to establish some sort of connection with her and another part resists her like nothing I have ever resisted in my life. I want to just leave. But feel guilty and cannot differentiate now between the truth of her and the lies... Feel like I must do this now (resolve everything)... But I am not ready. 

What do I do? Does anyone else has a narcissistic dad and a codependent mom? Would you guys recommend me to try to talk to a regular psychiatrist like she wants and bring myself together, trying to express my feeling in the best way I can? Or just leave? Or find a middle option, a compromise for both of my parts - the one who wants to be connected to her and the one who doesn't believe we will ever become even a bit compatible?

I so appreciate any answer or response in advance... Teal and this community have been saving me for the past couple of years of my life. Love you all.

 

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So sorry to hear you are having to go through all this now. I'm glad you are here and have Teal and her community to help. Your Mom is suffering too and is desperately trying to overcome feelings of failure and inadequacy at the loss of your brother and the collapse of her marriage. She blames you because you are all she has left and like most codependent victims she is terrified that it's really her own fault. Rather than a psychiatrist, a family counselor would be much more appropriate to your situation since they deal with dysfunctional relationships within the family. Everyone shares some responsibility but the parents were codependent before bringing you and your brother into the mix. A good grief counselor could be of great help as well and can often be found through either the church or Hospice in your community. The prime opportunity here is to focus on patterns of behavior and how each person in the family tends to blame someone else for the pain and suffering within the family. "Whose fault is it," becomes the primary concern instead of each of you accepting and addressing your own feelings and the behaviors that result. #Toemilyjune has a great blog in this forum about 365 days of What would someone who loves themselves do? and her journey with her family. 

Look at the patterns in your family and see how they are unraveling due to the loss of your brother. Research codependency, there is lots of stuff out there as most of us in addiction therapy deal with it every day. Love your Mom and try to forgive her and understand why she thinks and feels the way she does. Love yourself and ask yourself, what would someone who loves themselves do?

Beware of jumping into a relationship with someone who seems to be able to save you from all this as you're primed to remake any new relationship in the patterns of your current family relationships. Seek out healthier families and compare their patterns of relationships with your own. If you want to continue to discuss these issues with me feel free to respond here or message me here. There are also many Facebook pages of groups of Teal Tribe people who can help. Be Blessed, the universe loves you and wants you to be whole and healthy. have courage it's a rough ride but well worth it. Namaste

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I have no words after reading your heartbroken story, Polina. It made me realize how much I love and miss my own brother. Please accept my deepest and sincere condolences. Time will help you heal. In the mean time, please remember to take care of yourself. 

I also see that you've been given some good advice here. I would agree on seeking professional help if you feel this is right for you. It is hard to say anything else as it could be also that your mother does things unconsciously. Unless you have address it with her and/or made it clear. And if you did that and see that she continuously repeats something over and over than it is a question of the motives behind the behaviour which can go into many directions here. Please remember that your mother is still under grief and possibly takes it on you. Yes, this is not fair but the truth is many people do it, if not all. Stay strong. More than anything you probably both need a sense of being able to rely onto each other through the hardest of times, at least on some level. When you can achieve that, it will truly change your life and relationships.

Sending you Love& Light❤

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On 11/16/2018 at 7:48 AM, Pastor George said:

So sorry to hear you are having to go through all this now. I'm glad you are here and have Teal and her community to help. Your Mom is suffering too and is desperately trying to overcome feelings of failure and inadequacy at the loss of your brother and the collapse of her marriage. She blames you because you are all she has left and like most codependent victims she is terrified that it's really her own fault. Rather than a psychiatrist, a family counselor would be much more appropriate to your situation since they deal with dysfunctional relationships within the family. Everyone shares some responsibility but the parents were codependent before bringing you and your brother into the mix. A good grief counselor could be of great help as well and can often be found through either the church or Hospice in your community. The prime opportunity here is to focus on patterns of behavior and how each person in the family tends to blame someone else for the pain and suffering within the family. "Whose fault is it," becomes the primary concern instead of each of you accepting and addressing your own feelings and the behaviors that result. #Toemilyjune has a great blog in this forum about 365 days of What would someone who loves themselves do? and her journey with her family. 

Look at the patterns in your family and see how they are unraveling due to the loss of your brother. Research codependency, there is lots of stuff out there as most of us in addiction therapy deal with it every day. Love your Mom and try to forgive her and understand why she thinks and feels the way she does. Love yourself and ask yourself, what would someone who loves themselves do?

Beware of jumping into a relationship with someone who seems to be able to save you from all this as you're primed to remake any new relationship in the patterns of your current family relationships. Seek out healthier families and compare their patterns of relationships with your own. If you want to continue to discuss these issues with me feel free to respond here or message me here. There are also many Facebook pages of groups of Teal Tribe people who can help. Be Blessed, the universe loves you and wants you to be whole and healthy. have courage it's a rough ride but well worth it. Namaste

George,

Thank you very much for the response and your view of the situation. I might be a bit resentful towards the typical family counselors/ psychiatrists/ grief counselors since I've never seen or met a good one in my life; after my brother's first suicidal attempt he spent some time in a specific hospital, followed by the "professional psychologist help". Unfortunately nowadays it's extremely hard to find a person who will actually help, in any way. The person who was assigned to my brother was very ignorant and unprofessional... I really hope we will be able to find a person who actually cares about his/her clients, and tries to understand both points instead of bringing his/her own life view on the table.

You're totally right, we do blame one another for a lot of things, but I am more concerned about acceptance and unconditional love at its core. I do not feel like my mom blames me for her life's failures and tragedies... but what I feel is that she does not accept me as a person, as someone who might actually want to meet her needs and wants, who might be entirely different from her. She meets her own needs in all sorts of covert ways, and right now I feel it as intense as never before. There are always "strings attached", and I cannot bear this weight anymore.

Yes! This question "what would someone who loved themselves do" I ask myself occasionally. But I'm so used to "serve" the needs of other people, especially my parents, sometimes it becomes really hard to notice your own voice under a ton of guilt.

I do now notice how all sorts of  relationships in my life mirror the ones with my parents, especially dad. And thankfully, the more I realize and work with my parts and emotions, the better the relationships become.

Thank you for your time and help, I really really appreciate it.

 

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On 11/17/2018 at 12:46 PM, MistaRender said:

@Polina

It seems like there is a misunderstanding here. What did Teal Swan tell you codependency is? Codependency isn't a regular "dependency" in a relationship. Codependency has to do with enabling destructive behavior in another person, like a drug addict for example. 

From Wikipedia:

Codependency is a controversial concept for a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. 

So, for example, a person who cares for a drug addict friend, pays his bills, buys him drugs, makes excuses for him (in other words, enables his destructive behavior), is engaging in a codependent relationship. The drug addict is dependent on the enabler for the perpetuation of his bad behavior, and the enabler depends on the drug addict to perpetuate thier own denial, usually.

In your situation, your mother 'depending' on you for her happiness, is not codependency. That's just motherhood. She wouldn't be complete without you because you are her daughter. That's healthy and totally normal.

 

People here won't tell you this because new-ager communities make up thier own definitions for things. "Codependency" is a major one. New-ager communities will describe normal healthy romantic relationships as being"codependent". Complete hogwash.

When two people depend on each other for love and care, depend on each other to make decisions, build a family, earn an income, that is not codependency. That's a loving meaningful relationship. Codependency means enabling destructive behavior and perpetuating it while being in denial of the destructive behavior. 

 

 

Unfortunately I do not agree with you. I would love so much if your description of dependency was true in my family... I would never call the relationship with my mom healthy. She was raised in her family (with a somewhat narcissistic mom) into a codependent daughter, attracting my dad into her life afterwards. I was raised by both my dad and my mom; every single video I watch about narcissism and codependency describes my own life in such detail...sometimes it can be scary. 

Me and my mom definitely do depend on each other for love and care, I agree with you 100%... But when a parent uses all sorts of manipulation techniques and never expresses her own emotions straightly, it becomes abuse. And I would definitely call it "enabling destructive behavior and perpetuating it while being in denial of the destructive behavior".

Thank you for your opinion and thoughts.

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On 11/17/2018 at 7:41 PM, Garnet said:

I have no words after reading your heartbroken story, Polina. It made me realize how much I love and miss my own brother. Please accept my deepest and sincere condolences. Time will help you heal. In the mean time, please remember to take care of yourself. 

I also see that you've been given some good advice here. I would agree on seeking professional help if you feel this is right for you. It is hard to say anything else as it could be also that your mother does things unconsciously. Unless you have address it with her and/or made it clear. And if you did that and see that she continuously repeats something over and over than it is a question of the motives behind the behaviour which can go into many directions here. Please remember that your mother is still under grief and possibly takes it on you. Yes, this is not fair but the truth is many people do it, if not all. Stay strong. More than anything you probably both need a sense of being able to rely onto each other through the hardest of times, at least on some level. When you can achieve that, it will truly change your life and relationships.

Sending you Love& Light❤

Garnet,

Thank you so so much for your kind words. They mean a lot.

Yes, you're absolutely right. I don't want to "blame and leave"; I just want her to realize what has been happening in her life, how her childhood affected what she has been experiencing her entire life. I want her to own her mistakes and accept it. Living in denial and blaming others can be very painful. She thinks she is the victim, and a good mother. Honesty, it does wake up a lot of anger inside of me. 

That's the thing, I want to rely on her, and she wants to rely on me. But she is only willing to do so if I comply with her life norms and ideas. It is very painful, especially when she does not say it, but implies it and by doing that manipulates and uses me. I feel used and not accepted. She desperately wants me to be "good"; but I cannot be good anymore. I want to be myself.

I feel like support is a very intimate action... It cannot occur without love and acceptance. It just feels fake and forcing... 

I guess I will allow myself to go through all of the things I want to talk to her about, all of the things that make me angry and sometimes ignorant. And I will write them down and present when talking to a professional. 

Thank you for your words again ♥️

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Oh my god. To me (whatever that might means), you seem very conscious of the basic underlying cause of all this sh*t! I relate very much to a lot of thing you said. I feel the same way with my mother. I feel control, and unable to just be myself. And if I try to express how I feel, I always seem to trigger her in some way, and I don't feel heard at all, never. So I totally relate. A part of me just want to make things workout, but an other is totally hopeless and just want sincerely to just leave. Personally, I am so hopeless that she will ever understand me and accept me that I am now trying to take some distance with my family, and especially her. I try to be more self-loving, and say no when I don't feel it. I feel a lot of guilt trying to take space for myself and take distance a bit from them, but I feel that it will help me to understand my own thought patterns. I am making this totally about me (guilt again), but I hope it might resonate in you. ❤️ I don't really have any advice for you, but to me, it makes total sense that you feel that way after all you've been through.

Oh, and my mom also wanted me to go see a professional therapist, and I went to see one for like... 10 seances of 1 hour each, and I stopped after because I didn't feel like it was helping me at all... There is probably a lot of good one that can help and really hear us, and understand us, but I don't feel like the "traditional" ones are of very good help. (to me)

I would say to you to dare. Dare to love yourself, and do what feels right for you. I personally feel like there is a lot of voice in my head (my mom) that are making me feel guilty of doing what I am doing. I try to identify them, and understand what they are all about. (Parts work)

I send you a lot of love from Québec (Canada) ... It is often very hard and confusing, but in the future when we will look past, things will make more sense. ❤️❤️❤️ You are so beautiful. ❤️ 

Antoine 

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13 hours ago, Antoine said:

Oh my god. To me (whatever that might means), you seem very conscious of the basic underlying cause of all this sh*t! I relate very much to a lot of thing you said. I feel the same way with my mother. I feel control, and unable to just be myself. And if I try to express how I feel, I always seem to trigger her in some way, and I don't feel heard at all, never. So I totally relate. A part of me just want to make things workout, but an other is totally hopeless and just want sincerely to just leave. Personally, I am so hopeless that she will ever understand me and accept me that I am now trying to take some distance with my family, and especially her. I try to be more self-loving, and say no when I don't feel it. I feel a lot of guilt trying to take space for myself and take distance a bit from them, but I feel that it will help me to understand my own thought patterns. I am making this totally about me (guilt again), but I hope it might resonate in you. ❤️ I don't really have any advice for you, but to me, it makes total sense that you feel that way after all you've been through.

Oh, and my mom also wanted me to go see a professional therapist, and I went to see one for like... 10 seances of 1 hour each, and I stopped after because I didn't feel like it was helping me at all... There is probably a lot of good one that can help and really hear us, and understand us, but I don't feel like the "traditional" ones are of very good help. (to me)

I would say to you to dare. Dare to love yourself, and do what feels right for you. I personally feel like there is a lot of voice in my head (my mom) that are making me feel guilty of doing what I am doing. I try to identify them, and understand what they are all about. (Parts work)

I send you a lot of love from Québec (Canada) ... It is often very hard and confusing, but in the future when we will look past, things will make more sense. ❤️❤️❤️ You are so beautiful. ❤️ 

Antoine 

Antonie,

It feels so comforting (unfortunately for both of us) to read this and understand that I am not the only one. Every time I think I am "conscious", yet another wave of totally destroying emotions come and I start questioning whom to trust, where to go, what to concentrate on, etc. I do feel hopeless, just like you. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want to feel my pain and listen to me and sometimes it's the other way around - I question my own actions and words and think that I myself might be too selfish or not understanding towards her. I sort of came to the conclusion that besides childhood traumas I experienced from her, we are simply incompatible. And that makes me feel better, knowing that it might not be possible to come into agreement on so many subjects we disagree on with her. 

I would say we should leave. I (personally) cannot, absolutely cannot, heal, while being around her. And it's explainable... Of course we will always (or maybe not I have no idea) feel the guilt of being selfish and constantly doing "the wrong thing". But one cannot move in the direction of self love without consideration of one's needs; and the needs I have will not be met if I constantly expose myself to this level of unacceptable and denial. We might be wrong in many ways (as I realize), but we won't be able to resolve deep stuff until we meet our needs. When we start working on ourselves, we should be able to gradually be gaining the necessary energy for reconnecting with parents on at least some level.

Yeah... I really hope me and mom find a decent therapist that doesn't make it worst.

Guilt... Yes. All the freaking time. From me laying down and taking rest while she cleans the house, to some major decisions in my life like moving out and prioritizing my own happiness above everything else. I think the more you start feeling it and recognizing the same "feeling signature", the less hurtful and fearful it becomes. I know I also have to do shadow work... Hopefully I will have the energy for it very soon.

Again, thank you very much for sharing your story and thoughts. Being lonely in this situation is the worst thing. 

My brother loved Canada so much (he went to Toronto once with my dad). After that he was constantly talking about the tower you have there and that he will probably move to Canada when he grows up... I am planning to visit the country when I will become a bit more stable financially.

And thank you for the compliment and you kind words ♥️

Polina

 

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Hi Polina, I understand how you are feeling, I feel related to your entire post. I press the button of let the universe chose your message and I ended up here. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for your courage. There are CP practitioners whom are therapist as well so I invite you to check for the practitioner that resonate with you to go with your mom in case you feel it, soo that way may be the part of you that is not feeling safe with going to a psychiatrist can have the chance to see how it feels by doing this with a person who is let say tune with Teal's teachings. 

It is normal to feel the way you feel, ii don't know if is the same for you but in my experience my codependent(and narcissistic from my point of vie we all have some narcissistic behaviours) mom is part of my personality I mean even if she is not with me I have this unhealthy relationship Mather/daughter running inside of my head, what I'm trying to say is that for me is crucial to be aware that the most important thing is to integrate yourself the relationship you have in you with your mom. Hope you can get what I'm trying to say, English is not my first lenguaje. 

I encorare you to do the Completion Process it really change my life and The work of Byron Katie (which Teal mentioned in a few or her ask teal videos.

very glad to meet you. One love🌀💞

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13 hours ago, Polina said:

Antonie,

It feels so comforting (unfortunately for both of us) to read this and understand that I am not the only one. Every time I think I am "conscious", yet another wave of totally destroying emotions come and I start questioning whom to trust, where to go, what to concentrate on, etc. I do feel hopeless, just like you. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want to feel my pain and listen to me and sometimes it's the other way around - I question my own actions and words and think that I myself might be too selfish or not understanding towards her. I sort of came to the conclusion that besides childhood traumas I experienced from her, we are simply incompatible. And that makes me feel better, knowing that it might not be possible to come into agreement on so many subjects we disagree on with her. 

I would say we should leave. I (personally) cannot, absolutely cannot, heal, while being around her. And it's explainable... Of course we will always (or maybe not I have no idea) feel the guilt of being selfish and constantly doing "the wrong thing". But one cannot move in the direction of self love without consideration of one's needs; and the needs I have will not be met if I constantly expose myself to this level of unacceptable and denial. We might be wrong in many ways (as I realize), but we won't be able to resolve deep stuff until we meet our needs. When we start working on ourselves, we should be able to gradually be gaining the necessary energy for reconnecting with parents on at least some level.

Yeah... I really hope me and mom find a decent therapist that doesn't make it worst.

Guilt... Yes. All the freaking time. From me laying down and taking rest while she cleans the house, to some major decisions in my life like moving out and prioritizing my own happiness above everything else. I think the more you start feeling it and recognizing the same "feeling signature", the less hurtful and fearful it becomes. I know I also have to do shadow work... Hopefully I will have the energy for it very soon.

Again, thank you very much for sharing your story and thoughts. Being lonely in this situation is the worst thing. 

My brother loved Canada so much (he went to Toronto once with my dad). After that he was constantly talking about the tower you have there and that he will probably move to Canada when he grows up... I am planning to visit the country when I will become a bit more stable financially.

And thank you for the compliment and you kind words ♥️

Polina

 

Oh my fucking Jesus... 😮 It is really fascinating. I also feel this exact same feeling of doubt when I tell myself that I am very conscious (compared to them), and also not sure of which voice to listen to... It is yeah actually feeling very comforting. And I totally agree that making some space for us might be a good idea, and an interesting perspective to gain. Your post was the first one I red on this forum, and so to me, it feels a bit weird to see someone else seemingly living similar things. I likely didn't believe is was possible... And the proof is that I have now this habitual feeling of distrust, skepticism, the fear of being abandoned, rejected and not heard (that originate from my parents always rejecting me...) So thank you so fucking much for re-triggering me ! 😡 No, it's a joke :)❤️ I think it just means that I have difficult time trusting other people's love, and just receive, because I don't trust anybody (and so myself...) to not reject me. I would be very interested to learn more about what you are experiencing. :)

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28 minutes ago, Montserrat said:

Hi Polina, I understand how you are feeling, I feel related to your entire post. I press the button of let the universe chose your message and I ended up here. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for your courage. There are CP practitioners whom are therapist as well so I invite you to check for the practitioner that resonate with you to go with your mom in case you feel it, soo that way may be the part of you that is not feeling safe with going to a psychiatrist can have the chance to see how it feels by doing this with a person who is let say tune with Teal's teachings. 

It is normal to feel the way you feel, ii don't know if is the same for you but in my experience my codependent(and narcissistic from my point of vie we all have some narcissistic behaviours) mom is part of my personality I mean even if she is not with me I have this unhealthy relationship Mather/daughter running inside of my head, what I'm trying to say is that for me is crucial to be aware that the most important thing is to integrate yourself the relationship you have in you with your mom. Hope you can get what I'm trying to say, English is not my first lenguaje. 

I encorare you to do the Completion Process it really change my life and The work of Byron Katie (which Teal mentioned in a few or her ask teal videos.

very glad to meet you. One love🌀💞

Wow, very interesting. Thank you :) 

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Hi love,

im so sorry for what you’re going though, it must feel like a never ending story. But there is and you can still find peace and enjoyment in your life, whilst trying to resolve everything. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect to be happy and live your life. 

i haven’t read every single response but the first two and I was a bit shocked to find people trying to tell you that what you’re experiencing isn’t valid. I’m glad you are able to express yourself clearly and are aware of what’s happening around you.

true or not, if this is how you feel, it’s definitely valid. If I remember it correctly, teal herself says something does not have to be true in order to be valid. So I would definitely work with that. 

Mother-daughter relationships, if they’re not healthy, can be very complicated and challenging, sometimes for a life time, they can cause us so much pain but when resolved give us so much wisdom at the same time.

Now these are the things I felt like i needed to tell you:

1. You will not change your mother, and change will most likely not happen over night. With anything it’s a process, especially when you have to build up something completely new. 

2. If you both are willing to have a healthy relationship, You both will have to see and accept each other completely first, I know this is super hard to do, but possible. You don’t have to agree with something in order to accept it, and accepting something doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it. You both may be in completely different realities, saying you have two totally different view points and perspectives, if you can both simply accept each other’s viewpoint and where you are in life I think it will calm down some of the fights and get you closer. 

3. You may have to love her from afar. Move out and maybe find common ground and establish boundaries. For instance if the only thing you have in common is liking a specific type of movie, then only do that together and try to bond over common ground. There was a video on teals premium account about something quite like it. 

4. Find a completion process practitioner to help you specifically deal with the pain of not having what you needed and wanted in a mother. 

5. Maybe, if you feel it’s safe, get a therapist you feel comfortable with involved. 

 

I’m so so sorry for the loss of your bother, I don’t even know what to say, I hope I’m not being rude. 

 I hope that you will find some relief and are able to start resolving at  least some of this stuff. 

Much love 💕 

 

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On 11/21/2018 at 7:26 AM, Montserrat said:

Hi Polina, I understand how you are feeling, I feel related to your entire post. I press the button of let the universe chose your message and I ended up here. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for your courage. There are CP practitioners whom are therapist as well so I invite you to check for the practitioner that resonate with you to go with your mom in case you feel it, soo that way may be the part of you that is not feeling safe with going to a psychiatrist can have the chance to see how it feels by doing this with a person who is let say tune with Teal's teachings. 

It is normal to feel the way you feel, ii don't know if is the same for you but in my experience my codependent(and narcissistic from my point of vie we all have some narcissistic behaviours) mom is part of my personality I mean even if she is not with me I have this unhealthy relationship Mather/daughter running inside of my head, what I'm trying to say is that for me is crucial to be aware that the most important thing is to integrate yourself the relationship you have in you with your mom. Hope you can get what I'm trying to say, English is not my first lenguaje. 

I encorare you to do the Completion Process it really change my life and The work of Byron Katie (which Teal mentioned in a few or her ask teal videos.

very glad to meet you. One love🌀💞

Hey!

That is magical... Sometimes I wonder how the law of attraction works and how your questions attract answers almost immediately if you don't have a lot of resistance...

You're totally right, I would sooo love to get in touch with one of the Teal's practitioners, but my mom does not speak English on such level (there would be a lot of terminology and "hard" words that she might not understand); English is not our first language either, we were born in Russia.

Yes! That's interesting, recently I was watching of of Teal's videos where she talked about how important it is to recognize your "inner mom"; that's no joke... I haven't been working on this part of myself, but I probably should. Thank you very much for sharing this. Here's the video (you would probably want to watch it as well, from 56:25 https://tealswan.com/premium-workshops/online-workshop-aug-12-2018-part-22-r123/ )

I always wanted to do the completion process, but there two things that stop me: I was never able to get the "pictures of the past" when I would ask "what was the first time I felt this", but I didn't really try a lot of times, maybe it will improve... Do you get the pictures? ; and second, my life has been too hectic and I feel like to do the completion process I need to be in a place of peace (at least in regards to my basic needs)...

I will try Byron Katie process! Thank you 🙏 

Where are you from?

Would be glad to connect 🌞🙌

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On 11/22/2018 at 12:40 AM, Angeldust said:

Hi love,

im so sorry for what you’re going though, it must feel like a never ending story. But there is and you can still find peace and enjoyment in your life, whilst trying to resolve everything. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect to be happy and live your life. 

i haven’t read every single response but the first two and I was a bit shocked to find people trying to tell you that what you’re experiencing isn’t valid. I’m glad you are able to express yourself clearly and are aware of what’s happening around you.

true or not, if this is how you feel, it’s definitely valid. If I remember it correctly, teal herself says something does not have to be true in order to be valid. So I would definitely work with that. 

Mother-daughter relationships, if they’re not healthy, can be very complicated and challenging, sometimes for a life time, they can cause us so much pain but when resolved give us so much wisdom at the same time.

Now these are the things I felt like i needed to tell you:

1. You will not change your mother, and change will most likely not happen over night. With anything it’s a process, especially when you have to build up something completely new. 

2. If you both are willing to have a healthy relationship, You both will have to see and accept each other completely first, I know this is super hard to do, but possible. You don’t have to agree with something in order to accept it, and accepting something doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it. You both may be in completely different realities, saying you have two totally different view points and perspectives, if you can both simply accept each other’s viewpoint and where you are in life I think it will calm down some of the fights and get you closer. 

3. You may have to love her from afar. Move out and maybe find common ground and establish boundaries. For instance if the only thing you have in common is liking a specific type of movie, then only do that together and try to bond over common ground. There was a video on teals premium account about something quite like it. 

4. Find a completion process practitioner to help you specifically deal with the pain of not having what you needed and wanted in a mother. 

5. Maybe, if you feel it’s safe, get a therapist you feel comfortable with involved. 

 

I’m so so sorry for the loss of your bother, I don’t even know what to say, I hope I’m not being rude. 

 I hope that you will find some relief and are able to start resolving at  least some of this stuff. 

Much love 💕 

 

Hey,

Thank you so much for your words and validation of my feelings.. This is very important to me.

That's so interesting that you pointed out the concept of not being able to live normal life while healing... That's what I feel like I am doing constantly. I tell myself internally (most of the times it's not even conscious) that I need to do this first (for ex. support myself financially so I don't depend on other ppl) and then this (heal my low self esteem) and then that (all other stuff that is "wrong" with me) and only then I will be able to start heading in the direction of happiness and joy and freedom... And honestly, it's so hard to think the opposite... How can I live freely without $? How can I attract likeminded people and a good relationship in my life if I don't heal myself first? How can I ____ if I don't first do ____?....

1. I am just realizing that she might not ever change... It frightens me and brings relief at the same time..

2. You're so right... But for her to accept me she would have to be in pain, pushing away her set of beliefs and norms, admitting that she hurt me and my brother in so many ways... And for me to accept her would mean to accept her way of living, which contradicts most of the things I believe in; I would also have to accept her words and actions, and many more... (This is also from the video you mentioned below; I watched the workshop a second time after one of the ppl here mentioned it to me again; now I know for sure that I was meant to watch it:) I think you're totally right that one doesn't have to live the other person's life in order to accept it. I understand... But when it comes to such a high level of turn, anger, and incompatibility, it's almost impossible...

3. I am now writing you from a new place; just moved from mom yesterday. So glad I am doing this... Yes! I will definitely try to think of ways that we can interact with each other...

4. I will, thank you. I have soooo much stuff to work on, it's very exhausting for me to think about completion process.. Sometimes I don't even know if it's worth it, if I will ever be able to "complete" myself.

5. Will definitely try.

 

Thank you... Pain comes in waves; sometimes when I watch Teal's videos and recognize him in them, it becomes really hard emotionally to become aware of what he was experiencing his entire life and how blind I was.

I definitely did find relief in your words... Thank you again for writing this and supporting me, for all of your suggestions and tips. ♥️

 

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On 11/18/2018 at 8:14 PM, Polina said:

Unfortunately I do not agree with you. I would love so much if your description of dependency was true in my family... I would never call the relationship with my mom healthy. She was raised in her family (with a somewhat narcissistic mom) into a codependent daughter, attracting my dad into her life afterwards. I was raised by both my dad and my mom; every single video I watch about narcissism and codependency describes my own life in such detail...sometimes it can be scary. 

Me and my mom definitely do depend on each other for love and care, I agree with you 100%... But when a parent uses all sorts of manipulation techniques and never expresses her own emotions straightly, it becomes abuse. And I would definitely call it "enabling destructive behavior and perpetuating it while being in denial of the destructive behavior".

Thank you for your opinion and thoughts.

 

I understand your family is dysfunctional. That doesn't mean your mom is codependent with you. If you and your mom had a 'codependent' relationship, you would be constantly making excuses for her and would be in denial. That's what makes codependency such a sticky situation in most cases. However you seem to do nothing but the opposite. 

Saying she's "hurtful" or "manipulative", I believe you. However, calling your relationship with her "codependent" is a misunderstanding what codependency is. 

 

 

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