Nick S

Unable to cry

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Unable to cry

It's been 6 and a half years since I last cried and it was a great struggle to get myself to do so. I had to perform sun salutations for about 20 minutes while focusing all my thoughts on giving in to the pain. I have not been able to do so again since then. Crying was always something I would try very hard not to do. Threw out my life I've seen half a dozen therapists, (never seeming to help), and a standard question asked is how often do you cry? Every day, once a week, once a month, always feel like crying but never can? I'd always have to choose the last answer even though I never wanted to cry. Now I find myself wondering how it affects me that I never do. I've tried since doing it last to get myself back there, but it usually leads to a tornado of various conflicting emotions rushing through me that ultimately leads to me feeling very nauseous and having to give up. Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone have a word of advice about such?

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Hi Nick. I made an account just now because I wanted to help you out. I do have this problem and I'll try going into more detail in the chance it's helpful. I can tear up but it's a struggle to even open that up for me. I remember the ratio of my mom telling me not to cry occurring in a way where the more distraught you were, the better the odds were that she was going to tell me not to cry. And so I just feel so ashamed to embrace sadness even though intellectually, I can think through that and appreciate sadness as best as I can. I also always feel like crying but never can because of this. I also remember feeling ashamed to open up to people who wouldn't understand my pain, consider it invalid because they wouldn't feel it in that situation, and not meaning to would laugh at me. I choose where I go less naively now, but I didn't realize that I deserve more than friendships with people who would not understand after I explained, or at least wouldn't without a pouring-ALL-my-dang-heart-and-energy into one little explanation to fully get through to them (and the latter is something I hate doing, ESPECIALLY if I have a gut feeling I'll have to do it more than once with the person). It wasn't until I took a fall at max speed on my skateboard on the concrete, right after having positioned my hands in my pockets that I got so hurt that I was able to open up. I look at my injuries, feel the pain, and while in the bathroom with the tub on so people wouldn't hear me or come in and interrupt me, I felt like I deserved to have the permission to sob again. The thing I lost permission when my vein was out of my knee when I was a child - the last time I sobbed with passion and duration before it was really drilled into me by my wound-cleaner (mother) who had what felt like an endless amount of time to keep telling me not to cry because the wound cleaning process took so long. I didn't even know how to re-have the understanding that sobbing is okay until I saw this video before it all happened (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPzO5AC_Dlg - it's a teal swan video). And I have started practicing the exercises and take time to re-look at the information in article form (https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/why-nothing-you-do-to-feel-better-ever-works/). I really couldn't figure out half of what was going on before coming across Teal's advice, and I'm so thankful. I now can work sadness bricks off my chest, but then it moves up to my throat and it makes me gag because I can't get it out. It's a process of giving yourself permission to feel overwhelmed and placing yourself somewhere you feel safe to be able to sit through the emotions long enough to figure out where they're coming from for me, I expect. Do you get the gagging sensation too? Also, I know you didn't bring it up so it may not be an issue for you like it is with me, but do you also have a problem with happiness too? I didn't realize it until I heard teal say to consider that you might have learned good emotions to be bad and then yesterday I did the Let-The-Universe thing on teal's website and that was explained. It wasn't until last night that I remembered people asking me what's wrong with you when I used to get really happy, and then I realized that they never get that happy and I felt guilty as a result of feeling so bad for their jealousy. It's just so hard for me to process people not wanting to take care of themselves and how that can even lead to someone not understanding happiness. I would also feel shame because I felt like I was being inconsiderate. So I'm working through feeling shameful about sadness and also happiness. I've isolated myself so much in order to try to find places to feel comfortable and I hope you haven't too., After watching this one of Teal's talks on loneliness (which I'm asking you to please consider doing for yourself too) that I found on youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1QsSBtcDc0 , I realized a much better way to go about life.

 

I really hope some of this helps man. I don't know how to give advice in a sensible way without explaining everything I went through, so I'm sorry if it's hard to weed out the beneficial from the personal-to-Azu. Regardless of that, I wanted to let you know that I gave this reply everything I have < 3

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On 11/12/2018 at 3:40 AM, Azu said:

Do you get the gagging sensation too? Also, I know you didn't bring it up so it may not be an issue for you like it is with me, but do you also have a problem with happiness too?

Thanks for the response. Yes, the gagging sensation does happen to me as well very similar to how you described it. I don't think I have a problem with happiness, (even though I’m not sure I don't), but I am very careful and reluctant to express/react to humor. I was still living with my parents up until I was 24 and as I grew they became more and more against my sense of humor and tried hard to keep me from using it at home. This ultimately led to no laughing or even smiling when around them. This through off all of my emotions a great deal and I still am working on putting things back together again. I’m 31 now, and feel that I’m much more aware of my emotions and the cause of them, however still can be very reluctant to express them. Can’t say I ever felt I’ve found a safe place to do such. I am most often a calm, patient, friendly, understanding person who rarely expresses his true personal emotions. I don’t find this character bad on all levels, I have found great ways of using this, but it certainly needs improvement.   

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